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Thank you for your in depth reply it was very helpful and has got me thinking over a few things.
My partner is very understanding especially when I was extremely triggered with the usual position the evening before the anniversary.

I'm doing a lot of inner child work in counselling at present so that is bringing a whole new set of emotions etc to deal with.

Thank you all for your replies, I'm sorry my post was so triggering to some.

I appreciate it is not an easy topic to talk about I just find it difficult when I get no replies because I have spent my life not being listened to so it is a trigger in itself.

I will talk to my counsellor before talking to my partner as it may help me word it in a way that my partner won't think it's his fault.

Thanks again all.

Lots of views but no opinions or replies of any kind, I guess I will wait to talk to my counsellor.

So I'm not sure if this is where I should post this but as it relates to a major flashback last Friday I thought I would place it here.

TRIGGER WARNING


So on Friday I was intimate with my partner and everything was going really well until I had a major flashback and then all I could see was my ex (rapist) instead of my partner.

I am trying to work out why I had such a bad flashback and why the aftermath has been really difficult, I'm wondering if it's the counselling as it's bringing things to the surface or could it be related to my partner trying new things between us like new positions, could I subconsciously not feel safe as it's not the norm?

I would talk to my partner about what I'm thinking but I don't want him thinking he is to blame.

I think I might explore this more in counselling but I have to wait until next week so thought I would ask others what they think.

Thank you for making me feel validated, a lot of the time I feel like I shouldn't be suffering the way I am as people have had it much worse. It often feels like my mind is against me and there is just no escape.

Thank you for your reply, some of the flashbacks I have seem to be of trivial things and not just the main trauma of R***. I sometimes think others would say I'm pathetic to be affected by something like I mentioned, it may not seem a big thing but when it follows 6 years of bullying at school and made to do things of a sexual nature with boys it then becomes a big thing I guess.

This may seem silly to some and I'm sorry if I waste your time reading this post.

I was just reading a bed time story to my daughter, a book I must have read many times before however tonight was different.
As I was reading it I started to get very emotional and I then had a flashback to being at college where we had to read in front of our peers and bring a book to life as if reading to children (I trained as a nursery nurse). I felt the humiliation of the situation and how I was told by many of my peers I couldn't do certain books, I remember my peers whispering to each other when I was doing my chosen book and how being so vulnerable in front of everyone was so difficult. All my life I feel like I have been bullied and right now I feel like I need to run away as I feel ashamed of myself.

I'm scared of having to read a book to the children at work in front of my colleagues in case the same thing happens and I will be a laughing stock at work.

Thank you for your replies, it's helps to know I'm not alone as c-ptsd is scary and a lonely journey I'm finding.
I think my counsellor wants to work on this over the coming weeks but only if I'm ready, just thinking about what I went through at school makes me panicky and emotional- how can I talk about it with a virtual stranger? Will the inner child always come to the surface? Will I ever feel like an adult?

I know I'm a mum with responsibilities and on the outside I seem like I have it all together but inside the child is scared, lonely and hurting so much.

I have a tendency to feel like a scared child rather than a 40 year old adult, I find myself cuddling a soft toy to sleep to help me feel safe and I sometimes hold it while sat watching tv.

I had my second counselling session to day and told the counsellor how I feel and I was even holding the toy throughout the session which I admitted to her she said does it sound right that you are trying to comfort the child in you? I find this all very difficult to understand and feel embarrassed really.

I think it's linked to flashbacks of things that happened at boarding school as I was a very scared child then but it was so long ago I shouldn't be like this.

I know I was bullied at school and was made to do things by peers of a sexual nature could this be why?

I asked if it was CBT as I find it does not help me and they said it is solution focused and that she works using a person centred approach.
They said the sessions can be extended if it is felt it is needed by both sides. I have agreed to give it a go from this Wednesday I just hope it doesn't make me worse.

Thank you I will take a look, on another note I have been offered online counselling but it's only a maximum of 8 sessions and this concerns me somewhat and don't know whether to go a head or not.

Thank you Hope67 I appreciate the link.

Thank you so much for replying, I appreciate you taking the time. I don't have much faith in professionals as I have been let down so much in the past but I'm finding the voices very disturbing and needed to see if there is anything to help- it appears not.

It feels like there is just no let up of symptoms at the moment which is making everyday life difficult.

(Oh and your post made sense to me)

Looks like no one can relate so it's just me who is loosing their mind.

Just so others know I have spoken to a mental health nurse and she says that what I'm experiencing is linked to the flashbacks and stress, just another symptom to live with.

I'm not sure where to put this but as it happens when I have a fair amount of flashbacks I have put it here. (Admin move if needed).
When I have had quite a few flashbacks in a row I have been getting these voices talking to me all at once and I have no idea what they are saying. It gets very overwhelming that it's hard to deal with anything going on in the real world.
I have informed my GP and waiting to hear back from them, I was just wondering if other can relate at all?