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Messages - CelloRain

#1
Recovery Journals / Re: CelloRain’s Journal
June 13, 2020, 09:04:00 PM
Yesterday, I was at my Dad's helping him recover at home after being discharged from the hospital. Another relative came in from out of town to relieve me. I guess I didn't trust her to take care of Dad as good as I feel I can. Problem was I didn't bring enough of my meds, and I let myself stay almost a full day longer than I had meds for. I really set myself up for some awful consequences.

While still at my Dad's, I called my siblings about an important decision so we could talk about it over a group video call. My overpowering brother would not let me speak. He kept interrupting me as I would try to speak and he would talk over me.

Normally I am pretty meek about this type of behavior from him and I just sit back and let him take charge. However, this is about my Dad's health and I wasn't about to let myself go unheard. Also, I was heightened emotionally because I had missed my meds.

After about two minutes of him talking through me constantly, I stood up and just started saying very loudly for him to "shut up". I also spoke to him that he doesn't need to always be in charge of every conversation. Finally, he stopped talking and I looked at my other two siblings who were on the call with us and they were giving the most sheepish looks to me.

I did get out what I needed to say and my brother was very short with his words.When I got back to the table where my dad was sitting, he asked me if everything was OK because he's not used to hearing my voice raised. And I told him what it happened, and he said "I like to hear your voice like that". And I asked him what he meant. And he said, "I like to hear you using your voice and getting out what you need to say."

That really surprised me because my brother is the " Prince" of the family. I was surprised to hear my Dad's words about the situation.

My brother responded via text later basically saying how he realized after the conversation that all I wanted to do was to be heard. That really surprised me that he was able to come to that conclusion.

So, That was actually a good thing that happened yesterday. Are used my voice I'll be at yelling and my brother actually acknowledge that that's what I was trying to do to be heard. However the consequence of not having my meds that day was not good at all. I had a really really hard night last night and really really  hard morning this morning. I can't do that again.
#2
Recovery Journals / Re: CelloRain’s Journal
June 13, 2020, 08:48:23 PM
Thank you all who have responded even in your pain. Thank you to all who can't respond for whatever reason. I realize now that I need to remember to be thankful for this place where I'm even able to be heard. Thank you everyone.
#3
Recovery Journals / Re: CelloRain’s Journal
June 13, 2020, 03:35:51 AM
I'm sorry everyone... I let my issues blind me to the fact of how much we're all going through. While I kept checking back to see if anyone replied to mine, I didn't reply to anyone else.....kind of hypocritical of me.
#4
Recovery Journals / Re: CelloRain’s Journal
June 12, 2020, 09:28:07 AM
Another sleepless night. I embarrassingly have to admit how many times I look at this forum to see if anyone has responded to my entry. It's not like anything I said was earth shattering or deep. But, maybe it was like I was wondering if I would be noticed. Maybe there's a part of me that thinks "See, even in a forum about my supposed diagnosis, people still don't notice me". Please, I hope no one responds to me out of pity. Or maybe that is what I want...to be noticed if only out of pity...that's something, right? It just seems like I have no voice anywhere.
#5
Recovery Journals / CelloRain’s Journal
June 11, 2020, 05:56:38 AM
I have a tired mind. One moment I love people and love being around people. The next moment I've been hurt somehow and now hate people and my life. One moment I feel like I can deal with my marriage and that it's actually ok. The next moment I feel utterly unknown by my spouse and wonder if I should stay married.

I wish that I could rest in something...knowing that life is good and I can coast through life a little bit.

No coasting. Ever. Exhausting. All the time.
#6
Thank you owl25, notalone, and  Three Roses for your replies. I realized sometime after my post that I had forgotten to take my meds for the day. Somehow, it always surprises me how much my mood reacts just hours after missing a dose. Thank you for welcoming me and encouraging me.
#7
Hi. I was directed here by my counselor. I've been told for years that my memory problems are from PTSD. But, just last week, my new counselor introduced me to C-PTSD.

It makes so much more sense to me. To my understanding, my childhood/young-adult abuse has splintered me into parts. Recovery = becoming whole.

I'm overwhelmed already. I just want to live without my mind being so heavy all the time. I'm always "doing" life and not living or enjoying it. I'm tired of sadness and constant doubt in myself and "get over it" from other people.

I really am grateful for the existence of this forum. But, honestly wonder if it will be as disappointing as the multitude of things I've tried in therapy and self-help.

On that note, please be safe and stay healthy, everyone.