Messages

Hi Eidolon. I've had a really rough day today, so I'm not feeling too well. Gonna definitely check out your music recommendations soon and hopefully have something else good to share with you. But, I just wanted to respond really quick to say that your digital drawing is beautiful - I love it. Do you mind if I save it to my desktop? And, I wanted to thank you - my life has been such crap lately, but your music recommendations and artwork have been really kind and have meant a lot to me. I'm grateful for having met you.

What do I know?

I know what it is like to be thrown against a wall. I know what it is like when the darkness eclipses your field of vision as your mind scatters in different directions and your limp body bounces off the wall back into his hands to be thrown again, and again, and once again.

I know family is supposed to build you up, hold you up, and keep you up on your feet when the pain of existence threatens to knock you down – well, at least that's what I know that I have heard. I know what it is like when "family" kicks your legs out from underneath you, spouting epithets of trust and love, then mocks you, berates you, and ignores you as you lay on the floor, curled up in on yourself, crying.

I know how childhood traumas create self-perpetuating cycles, repeating the traumas over and over, in different forms, throughout one's life, and I know of the relentless insomnia and nightmares that follow each rendition closely. I know that such traumas change the way the world looks and how you see your place in it – it is to feel small and threatened, all of the time, by everything and everyone.

I know that I replace the pronoun "I" with "you" in an attempt to transform the abstract signifiers on this page into some sort of meaningful understanding between us, because I know how chronic loneliness fractures a heart.

I know the physical and psychological pain of isolation, like a garrison wall designed for war and fortified with socially paralyzing anxiety and distrust, constructed upon the paradox of self-preservation. I know of a loneliness that peers through the fissures in that wall into a world of acceptance, belonging, and love that it knows it can never be a part of, but yet obstinately clings to a hope of someday residing there.

I know of a hope that slips through your fingers, accumulates at your feet, and buries you deeper with each year. It is a hope that threatens to stick to the inside of your lungs like wet sand and suffocate you in self-delusion. I know what it is like to cling to that self-destructive hope because that hope is the only thing that gets you out of bed every day.

I know of the vultures who circle around the corps(e) de l'amour et l'espoir, agitated, aroused, and eager to pick the flesh off of the vulnerable in order to satiate their own appetites. I know the insignificance of being nothing but a body, to be used until broken or outdated, then discarded and forgotten.

I know the fear of being precariously and perilously teetering on the edge of falling but having no safety net, no net constructed of family and friends, to catch you if you fall. I know what it feels like to know that if you fell and disappeared into the void, the world would be as if you never existed.

I know of a sadness that reverberates throughout every nerve with each heartbeat, locking your entire body in a pain that ruptures poorly glued together pieces of your heart. I know the cruelty of having that pain mocked and disregarded as being selfish, childish, imaginary, attention-getting, weak or insignificant. I know cruelty, no matter how unintentional or ignorant, is no less cruel.

I know what objectifying and patronizing pity is – when you become nothing but a thing to be fixed, when your voice is lost to a despotic, bleeding heart, do-gooder who presumes to know exactly what is wrong with you and what you need but who refuses to hear who you are. I know the cruelty of callous indifference to the voice that screams out and begs to be recognized and acknowledged for all of its pain, complexity, and longing but instead is met only with rejection and dismissal.

I know rejection. I know the longing for belonging, for a smile from a friendly face. How your hand reaches into the world seeking a friend to pull you out of the void, to be met with a  hand mockingly extended then pulled back leaving you grasping at the nothingness of empty space. I know how your rejected psyche internalizes the anger and shame, turning the violence against itself. I know how your body seeks to comfort itself in its own embrace, rocking back and forth repeating over and over again the same thought: "there is something intrinsically wrong with me that makes me entirely unlikable, I am a mistake, a freak of nature, and there is nothing I can do about it, it will never get better."

I know that they do not know you because they never wanted to know you. They projected their privileged life experiences and prejudices about who you ought to be unto you, all conveniently wrapped up in the "mentally ill" labels they have affixed to you, to categorize you neatly into their psycho-social pre-packaged for the masses worldview.

Above all, I know that people are nothing but consistent in harming you. I know how year after year the walls close in. What I don't know is what happens when hope finally buries you.

Hi RiverRabbit.

Thanks kindly for sharing Dashboard Confessional - it's a great song.

I saw that you shared Soul Asylum, "Runaway Train" in an earlier post. I love that song - it's on my 90's playlist.

The Dashboard Unplugged and Soul Asylum made me think of Pearl Jam Unplugged, "Black" - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ZH2it92ZmA - one of the greatest songs ever written performed by one of the greatest voices...

I lived in Seattle in the early to mid 90's...moved to SLC in the mid 90's. I was a kid when I lived in Seattle, but I was really into the grunge scene there at the time and I remember the day Kurt Cobain died...my sister and I wanted to go to the park where Courtney Love was holding a memorial, but we couldn't get transport there so we had our own memorial.

These songs are also making me think of Rise Against, "Tragedy + Time" - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L_veE_yBZ6M - not a 90's song, but fitting...I think.

Oh, and Candlebox, "Far Behind" - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eu3EuWg2qNI

"broken house behind me and good things ahead" - you're right, that's a really great line, speaks to me of persistent hope. What do you think? And, "I am going to make it through this year if it kills me." - I can feel that, for sure.

I really kinda like his voice - reminds me of the singer from Death Cab for Cutie...

This is fun sharing music with you! I'm glad you're having fun, too!

Okay, here's another shoegaze band...this one's a little more obscure and older, from the 90's. I saw them play once at a small club in SLC.

Faith and Disease, "Healing Anne" - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tt7UYmUga6I

You have really good music recommendations, Eidolon!

The Crane Wives, "The Moon Will Sing" - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pwhec-xnWfY - beautiful.

Do you know The Oh Hellos?

The Oh Hellos, "Glowing," https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RubfUSCC6Yw

This is a very empowering poem, JRose. It's wonderful to see people come through trauma with love and compassion for themselves. Thanks kindly for sharing it.

My therapist has been trying to get me to "love the little girl that I was" - but, yeah, it's not working - I hate myself...so very much. I don't even notice it most of time - it's just the normal, everyday, way of being in relation to myself. But, you're poem *sparks* hope.

It's very well written, Marian82.

Thanks kindly for sharing this.

Hey Eidolon - I listened to Florence and the Machine for several hours today, while cleaning and cooking, and I'm a fan. Thanks kindly again for sharing this song - I was looking for some new (to me) music to get absorbed in and your recommendation was just what I needed. I'm glad you're enjoying listening to Mogwai. Wishing you peace. 

POSSIBLE TW: Hi dreamriver. I'm sorry you're experiencing this - this is one of the most difficult decisions I have had to make, and I still don't know if it was really for the best. For many years, I had oscillated between times of very low contact to no contact at all with my mom, dad, and sister. They were/are all extremely abusive in various ways, so I decided I needed to separate myself from them. Also, I had a child when I was a teenager, and decided that I needed to protect my child from them - so, my child is an adult now, but they have had very little contact with anyone in my family - they don't consider anyone in my family as their "family."

I would go years without seeing either of my parents - they divorced when I was a kid - and years without seeing my sister. I would go months without talking with any of them. My mom chose to die several years ago - she literally just gave up on life, stopped eating, got sick, refused to go to the hospital and died alone in a trailer home with walls covered in mold, dog waste stained carpeting, trash bags full of beer cans in the closets, and holes in the floor. For me, I feel a lot of guilt surrounding her death. She was at one time a strong, beautiful, capable and intelligent woman, but the world tore her apart and threw her away. She was suffering. Her death threw me into a relentless major depression for over a year - and I'm still trying to work through the complex grief I feel over her life and death.

I have not seen or spoken to my sister for years - and I do not ever plan to. My father and step-mother, however, I still occasionally speak to them on the phone. I haven't seen them in years - the last time we saw each other we got into several angry arguments. They are still abusive - misogynistic, both of them - and they have no idea that they are. They're old, my dad is really sick - there's just no talking it through and working it out with them. But, I feel for my dad and step-mom. I know they were abused as children as well. 

I also feel lonely. I very much want to feel loved. I very much want to matter to somebody. My marriage ended in part because of my depression, in part because my partner was also abusive. My adult child and I talk almost every day, but I'm pretty sure I could disappear and they won't care - in fact, we live a thousand miles away from each other and they've said they don't miss me and really don't care if I move closer to be with them. I just don't matter in their life.

Other than my abusive father, step mother, and sister, I have no one else. No friends or family. I'm lonely and scared all of the time with no one to talk to. I haven't been hugged by another person since the last time I saw my child, over 9 months ago. I spend nearly every holiday and birthday alone - no one even says "happy birthday" to me. No one congratulates me on my accomplishments - I moved away from my child to go to grad school. Literally, no one cares about my life - I'm not being hyperbolic or self-pitying - it's just a fact.

What I'm trying to say, is this:

The biggest obstacles, I've found, for separating oneself from one's abusers are the guilt and loneliness. Consider if these obstacles could apply to your case - and if they do, then consider how they might apply and plan for them. Like knowing your physical and emotional cues for guilt or loneliness. And, making a plan for how to cope. Like if you start feeling guilty or lonely, have a go to person who loves and respects you to talk with, go to a movie with, or something else to take your mind off of it.

I've found there are no good choices in life - only lesser of two evils choices. Separating myself from my abusers is not and was never a good choice - at best it was the lesser of two evils choice. It could have been less painful for me if I'd considered and planned for, prepared myself for, the consequences of choosing separation.

Best wishes to you in working through this.

Listening to this right now. Enjoying it - very much. Thanks kindly for sharing!

I don't have any music that I find empowering. But, I really like Mogwai - I find their music immensely comforting and calming.

Mogwai - BBC 6 Music Live - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AAVvqWeqgx8

Mogwai - "Friend of the Night" - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5mrVYi751SU
The piano at approx. 2:43 and then with the drums added in later, pure bliss.

Mogwai - "No Medicine for Regret" - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tMOCZobSBcA
I don't know what the instrument is (a synthesizer?) that is used for the melody beginning at approx. 0:34, but it's the acoustic equivalent of a hug for the soul.

Mogwai - "Auto Rock" - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9hMw9AavXqU
Return of the blissful piano.

Mogwai - "Every Country's Sun" - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ubqJl36KFU
The electric guitar and drums just seem to say, "It's okay. You're okay. You can sleep."

Mogwai - Les Revenants album - https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=mogwai+les+revenants

I've never seen Mogwai live. They never played in SLC when I was living there, but played a show there after I moved to ATL - hurt my heart. I very much want to see and hear them live at least once in my life.

I'm sorry that this is so frustrating for you, Snookiebookie2. Regarding autism, I've had people think that I have autism - because I oftentimes have trouble speaking and because I have trouble reading body language and voice tone. But, the reason why I have trouble speaking is because of exactly what you wrote about being in a constant state of mild panic and hypervigilence. And, my trouble with reading body language and voice tone is because I read everything as a threat, not because I can't read it at all.

I did a little research on my own, and it turns out that autism and CPTSD share some similar symptoms - so much so that they can be misdiagnosed for each other. I even took a psych test for autism, and it came back that I had many indicators of autism. Two big factors that rule out autism though, I'm extremely empathetic, and I have no problem with understanding other people have minds. In fact, trauma kinda forces us to become mind readers - to be alert to what other people are thinking so as to protect ourselves. With that said, if you're empathetic or if you have no problem understanding that other people can think and feel, then it's probably not autism.

I wish you peace.

Trauma for young children, it's a lot for a kid's mind to take. It makes sense that you'd block that experience out. It nonetheless still operates under the surface though, at least for me. I don't think I've had any instances where I've blocked out memories - but, how would I know? I've been a loner since I was very young. I know I've definitely had episodes where I've disassociated from my body and feelings. I wish I had something helpful to say, but I'm afraid I don't. So, I'll just say, I wish you peace.

This is a wonderful memory...to feel protected. I imagine it made you feel loved. And, today and in the future, you can go back to this memory and feel comfort in being loved. This is definitely a gem to cherish.

One of the worst parts of CPTSD, for me at least, is exactly what you've described. For me, I really, really, really, want to have close caring relationships, but I just can't. People freak me out when I read their body language and voice tone - I read it as negative towards me. So, I isolate a lot. I, too, am much more comfortable around animals and nature - I interact with people's dogs and cats more than I do with the people themselves. And, like you, I've had an immensely difficult time trusting people, especially for me authority figures, which means that I've had an immensely difficult time finding a therapist I trust. It's incredibly frustrating because the whole "therapist shopping" thing is very psychologically harmful for people with CPTSD - we have to make ourselves vulnerable every time we try a new therapist, and making ourselves vulnerable is incredibly painful and difficult.

In short, you are so not alone. I'm so sorry you're dealing with so much right now - dealing with illness on top of CPTSD on top of trying to find a good therapist. It's a lot, and it is completely understandable that you'd feel the way you're describing - anyone who has gone through what you've gone through would. So, no shame and no blame. Wishing you well and luck in finding a good therapist.

I am profoundly sad, and that's ok .

It is okay. Sometimes letting go requires grieving.