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Hi,

What you wrote I could've written. How are you?


Eden

Hello.
I hope you are well.  I also hope that I am posting in an appropriate area.
This is my second post on OOTS.  In the first, I prompted for information regarding clinical study trials relevant to cPTSD that include brain scanning and brain implants, which at this point I would seriously consider.
I am 60 years of age, am unemployed due to inability to deal the stress and pressure of front line nursing, have no health insurance, have been misdiagnosed, taken anti-depressant medications that nearly ended this being, practiced a variety of disciplines to address this disorder, can not connect with anyone or anything, and I continue to suffer with symptoms.
Perhaps the most significant symptom in the constant physical nervous system presence of imbalance that is so taxing and draining, and difficult to cope with each day.  I could offer much more regarding issues, but shall not at this time.  There is an emptiness at the center of this being where the energies of a human experience could be, and are not.  I experience that every day, and I am so weary of coping.
I consider that I have few options to pursue to end this misery & suffering.
Perhaps I am hoping that posting and any resulting dialoguing shall provide some benefit.

I've been depressed my entire life, being born to a depressed mother and suicide runs in my family. . Can you tell me what helped you?

I'm slightly older than you, and know well the territory you're speaking of -- sensing a frustration with not arriving at some forever happy zone. I'm not convinced that such a place is more than a temporary illusion, aided by the media-driven messages promising giddy results if one does this or drops that.

Instead of waiting for the magic moment when life will change, for me it's seemed that slowness might even be the best pace, especially following critical injuries like often result from having c-ptsd. Once I dropped the lofty expectations that old cliche about taking slow steps began to make more sense.

I don't think everyone's life follows a fixed timeline. While I'm dragged down by much of the trauma I've endured, I've also found openings in the cracks, where I found light I'd never expected. These mostly small surprises seemed related more to things like self-acceptance (NOT defeat or despair) than grand expectations.

Some things got, if not wholly ideal, at least okay. A lot of this has been slow and disappointing, though. The key still seems to be to chisel the expectations down to what I can truly handle. And to drop thinking about it so much, and telling the inner critic to scram.

It might seems like I've found some perfect way to deal with a world that often doesn't make sense to me. Growing up embroiled in senseless trauma, I couldn't even make sense of the next moment, let alone the world  .

Still, I wanted to share my sense that 1) you're not alone and 2) despite so much disappointment, life also can take surprising 'positive' twists; plus 3) these can happen at any age.

May you find more peace, starting with self-compassion. 

I don't know. I just hit on what your p-doc said about it not being diagnosable? Life is a diagnosis. You can quote me on that. They have this massive book with every type of characteristic and yet never take into consideration the plight of the abandoned child. It is very interesting. Abandonment can run the parameters from emotional to physical and everything in between. They don't diagnose it because practically speaking they'd have to drop the transference BS and actually let down their guards to heal the wounds. So, yeah - not diagnosable.

Maybe find a holistic p-doc.

I don't know if it would ever be possible to feel part of this world, connect and be happy. Has anyone done this much later in life? I have been at this since my 30's and now 61.  I just can't seem to fit in, feel connected, or feel anything.  I just plod along, hoping, praying, cleaning up the messes.

I was born to an already broken marriage, mother mentally ill, father estranged, siblings left. Grandmother was in the picture for a while. I started running away from home. At 18 got married, then divorced. No one in my FOO has been in my life since. I have one child and he doesn't want to speak to me either. I have no one on planet earth to call a friend.

I am too far gone.

Cannot play games. People expect me to be normal and then when they find out I'm not - have a grand time making me feel worse. I hardly ever interact anymore but when I do, I am in dissociative mode. I just can't deal anymore.

Are there any vlogs by anyone who is thriving with this?

Any success stories?

From infanthood I've been plagued by physical illnesses that just got even more compounded due to the *treatment* I'd receive, if it were removal of glands, vaccinations, antibiotics and the constant feeding of fat and sugar. At 11 I began experiencing pain in my spine, then at 12 diagnosed with scoliosis, which I feel is a condition that's hereditary (family all has structrual problems) but more, that due to my mother's depression and the fighting during the 9 months of gestation, I was squirming during my spine's formation causing this. At 12 I was forced to wear a brace that was like a metal contraption, but I wouldn't. Then my nose began bleeding, then I had boils all over my body. That was just the first 12 years of my life.

Now I have hyperparathyroidism, fibroids, cysts and degeneration throughout my spine. I also have been suffering from superventricular tachycardia events, one this past week which my heart goes to up to 200 bpm. I've been at the ER so many times this year but I cannot do this anymore. There has to be another way. In most likelihood, everything is connected back to my spine, with a problem in the neck area which brings with it the gland problems and also the nerve that innervates the heart. I try really hard to care for self. But it's not enough for in relationship one heals apparently and this is the catch-22. I have lived in isolation for so long I simply have no ability to get to that level and am stuck. Today is a hard day to get through. Feel so heavy and out of it. A week that has been especially hard both physically and mentally.

These missives I'm writing are my only way of communicating.  99% of the time I am in a state of zoning out. I just cannot cope anymore. My years of struggling/coping/surviving and the combination of my health issues which brings a lot of pain with it - daily, are too much to bear. For so many years have been in total isolation. Mostly in the dark. Cannot tell you how many times I've sought help. Thousands of emails were sent. I did therapy in the 90's - a lot. It brought awareness but nothing ever helped with the relating. Then I considered that I might benefit from radical intervention. Maybe psychedelics because of the defense mechanisms that are so acutely in place. That might lift it and gain access to the receptive mode of being. I await surgery now, in a room,  zoning out, in isolating, missing only my beloved cats that passed. Feeling nothing except pain that I know how to alleviate with distraction and the remedies at hand. I take no medications as none can help. I need to move through this dark night of a lifetime and somehow make it.  Thank you for your words. I only can send my gratitude and hope to you. Emergence.

Yes. I just have to leave a trail. My life is winding down. Just letting words escape. Thanks you woodsgnome. Your presence is comforting.

The ironic part of this, and I've done my crying about it, is that throughout there was no intervention. I had to almost die, runaway, get sick for anyone to even notice my existence. This existence wasn't about who I was as a soul, precious child, but who I was as mirror to them.  Pieces of me died along the way. I don't know any way or anyone who has ever emerged from type of life and became a loving, happy and confident person. Anywhere. I've looked. The stats are: every single type of trauma that could happen to a child from conception to 12 happened.  Holocaust survivors and Romanian orphans i identify with. I acted out as a child, then just retreated within. That's how it's been for so many years. My entire adult life.

It's sad,  and it's taken its toll. I am watching a lot of families on YT and how they interact, how the parents are with their children and am still in a state of being on the one hand bewildered and the other bereft that this wasn't my experience, but was everything but. On Saturday I had a major depressive state where I was praying and crying, then had to look at some of my baby photographs. Maybe I missed something. I went through them again, all of them in a bag, just tossed in there, something like my inner child, it's there - she's there - but tossed in. And I'm looking at my baby eyes and they go from being vacant to terror and sadness. My father hated me and my mother pitied me. But she did feed me and while dealing with her life and depression and subsequent divorce from him, she parentified me and some point though I regressed. Then ate to compensate. I would hoard food. Lie and steal. I had no one to comfort me. It was a nightmare. There were report cards from nursery school and grade school where it was noted that I wasn't attentive and dreaming. Dissociating and disruptive - that was my mode in school. Nobody did ever rescue me. I was thrown to the wolves. Basically. How do you emerge from that/

Thank you.  I can envision that becoming.

Perhaps participating in the forum is a step toward "changing that way of being." Welcome. 

Hi, blues_cruise - yes, ultimately it does come down to boundaries, connection and purpose. I don't reflect much back unless I'm forced to in comparing now and then or for reference,  it's the here and now and sheerly, no blame is laid anywhere. I take responsibility for my actions and I know that if they knew better, they'd do better and everything had to happen for whatever reason - which is to rise above, most likely. Rising above in soaring eagle and phoenix mode.  The isolation has been the only remedy I could do given the circumstances, no one having my back, basically. It was the walls or risk getting hit.  The enemy wasn't and still isn't within the family structure but later, as you mentioned, the ones who hone in on the injured, like opportunistic jackals.  I am not weak, but injury is injury, sensitivity is what it is - and this needs solitude and the basic mindfulfness that this brought. Here I am, these are my wounds, no distractions, I can use this time to heal. 

Now boundaries - yes. How they are, what they are, what they feel like and how can they be applied. Where do they go? I hear experts and read but really nobody knows the inner terrain of each person, and so the mechanics of this must be suited individually.  Things I think about.

I think the problem with humans is that there are those out there who will try to take advantage if they perceive you to be 'weak'. The isolation that we tend to default to as a result of C-PTSD is by no means healthy, but I totally get where my subconscious is coming from when it defaults to telling me to stay away from people. We were let down by our parents/caregivers and in many cases probably had our abuse denied and minimised, plus we have potentially been taken advantage of or belittled by bullies (co-workers, bosses, fake friends, etc.) who spot our obvious social discomfort and see an easy target. Then we most likely shame ourselves for all of this (I know I do) and isolate ourselves further, even though none of it is by any means our fault.

I've thought about all this so much over the years because I struggle too. I've come to the conclusion that boundaries are key in learning to trust our adult selves enough to put ourselves out there and to try to have more positive social experiences. We will still come across potentially abusive people, but I think it enables us to better spot toxic behaviour and to know our own self worth enough to create distance between us and those who will take advantage. I agree with dreamriver, the 'Beyond Bitchy' podcast is such a fantastic starting point in learning the basics of boundaries and I really recommend it. When I listen to it it's like having a healthy mother figure sitting me down and getting me up to speed with all the life skills that I should have been taught.  I've also recently discovered a podcast called 'Social Anxiety Solutions' which is also a really positive, compassionate resource. It's provided so much comfort to me just lately and inspired some hope that things could get better. 

I also understand animals far more than I do people. They're straightforward and non-judgemental, so there are fewer C-PTSD triggers. I say 'fewer' because they're not perfect either, my dog is a naturally anxious creature and when she is on edge and barking at every single noise it very much triggers me! I can at least relate to her on that level though and understand that she's just fearful and needs to be soothed. It's a kind of mutual compassion and we can accept each other for what we are.

No, you probably won't, and probably would just feel uncomfortable, moving towards becoming a wildly social being, but just by accepting yourself you've acknowledged that it's hard, yes; but you also feel that somehow you can find a more peaceful self-respecting path towards the process of at least diminishing your overwhelm to a state of knowing and finding some better way than what happened in the past.

So true, I think there's a lot of peace to be found in learning to care for ourselves regardless of where we're at in our lives and to try to take things at a gentle pace. It's so easy to fall into the trap of shaming yourself when you feel such a big disconnect from society at large.

Much peace to you Edenjoy1, you're really not alone in these feelings. 

Hi woodsgnome,

We could talk about nature. That's something I know much about. The qualities of healing in the perfect silence. Where I never felt threatened but actually totally at home. I miss that.

Regarding therapists, there is just a huge missing link in their understanding of this, as you know and I've felt that for so many years I've been the therapist to them, educating them and guiding them, seeing their own places where they were overcompensating. There weren't many stones I left unturned in attempting to heal - from 12 step to body work, meditation, books, lectures, prayers, studying and more. In the end it is a journey to self and maintaining connection that I've always needed but in what environment? When I was 16 I was a runaway, I landed in a half-way house and for the first time I felt I was a part of something - a family. A jarring, but necessary eye-opener of how much I'd been adrift and out of synch with life and the living. But it wasn't meant to be a permanent placing and so I was returned to where I started out and that has been a downward spiral - though I claw up.

Your words are strong and resonate. Thank you for them.

This thread, like so many here, stands out for its qualities displaying acceptance (even if reluctant), honesty, and quiet but determined resolve to discover something, almost anything, that holds any promise of some new direction towards healing and serving your needs better, Edenjoy1.

I heartily agree with dreamriver's assessment that there needn't be any shame attached to what was a natural response to abusive people who stole basic human dignity from you. Unfortunately, it takes lots of lonely agony and sometimes failed attempts to correct this energy-draining trait which, again, was not your fault.

I've had an unusual ride with this. Growing up in a den of distrustful adults, I somehow found a sense of humour and 3 very short-term "angels" that planted seeds on which I could reliably nurture my inner garden. Then as an adult I was able to translate an interest into a vocational situation I could handle. But when that changed due to external circumstances, the mistrust and struggle moved right back in, flooding me with renewed despair and hopelessness.

I (also in desperation) tried the therapy route and found exactly what's been talked about here -- more fear and a reluctance to force myself any further. Fortunately I gave it one last shot a few years ago and found someone who was ideal for what I needed -- which, as talked about, included acceptance and work on their part. It wasn't a top-down relationship. It hasn't been perfect, I suppose; but what is? The key here , though, is to stay open if one is searching in that regard -- an open therapist with at least some trauma-based experience is probably more attainable than a perfect one. Perfection is perhaps more flexible than we think, or at least it was for me.

It was pointed out that your appearance here is not just an appeal for help, but a meaningful sign that your own strong self is now willing to grab back what was stolen from you -- your capacity for self-love and especially self-compassion.

Despite the complication you mentioned, mixed as it appears to be with the physical setbacks you mentioned, I found your writing to be compelling evidence that you have turned a corner towards reclaiming what is your birthright.

No, you probably won't, and probably would just feel uncomfortable, moving towards becoming a wildly social being, but just by accepting yourself you've acknowledged that it's hard, yes; but you also feel that somehow you can find a more peaceful self-respecting path towards the process of at least diminishing your overwhelm to a state of knowing and finding some better way than what happened in the past.

Wishing the best for you as you continue finding your way.

Hi, Nothing was misplaced - everything is good. I really hope - with the power of my heart that healing will come to you, to all those suffering - an awakening to our true selves and suffering will be a part of the dream. 

Hi EdenJoy - I'm so sorry if my words were misplaced. I hope you find the therapist you're looking for, that sounds like a lovely solution. I wish I could find that for myself, too. This forum has been so helpful to me in ways that transcend a therapist, and even though mine was so helpful, it felt like only talking with others who *really* understood started moving the cogs towards healing with me. I have a long way to go. And I also felt some distrust with therapist still.... Some days just getting a message here from someone who really *gets* it was the only hope for restoring my trust in others or a light at the end of the tunnel. A therapist who has CPTSD (like Pete Walker) would be amazing. Take care and good luck on your healing journey  ♥️