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Thank you for your kind words. It's validating and reminds me that she was real. I was in foster care for a few years after our initial separation. Eventually adopted.
I've had a great life mixed with unacknowledged grief by caregivers. How dare a Little orphan girl grieve for her mother! She's supposed to be soooo grateful to be rescued!
I've learned after a lot of self reflection that emotions are complex. I can grieve my loss of her AND be grateful to have been given a better life. I can love my adoptive parents and love her too. Love is boundless!
When I have visions, they remind me of my link to her and my connection to her. She didn't have much to give. She gave me my spirit and I'm eternally grateful.
Peace and healing to you.
Thanks for your empathy and compassion.

Bimsy thanks for your sharing. I'm trying to figure these symptoms out because I'm fascinated by them. There's a lot of stigma about psychosis. Honestly I'm not afraid of having these symptoms be psychosis, spirituality a grief response. Perhaps all of the above.
I've read about brief reactive psychosis. It's a temporary response to grief which goes away after a few days. This seems like what I was going through.
Some notable experiences I've had: An old trauma of mine was being taken by cps from my birth mother who was having one of her many episodes in public. She was screaming and yelling. Had to be hospitalized. It was trully awful.
She was a highly spiritual person who claimed to see ghosts.
She also did a lot of drugs. I don't do drugs thankfully. I'm wondering if my response is a grief/ trauma response with a genetic influence.
I understand the feelings of being connected to the dead. My birth mother has past on and I feel a strong connection to her as if she's protecting me. It's comforting.

Bimsy
I rarely have these symptoms but when it's usually after being triggered by something such as grief.
I've experienced visual hallucinations of people who have died soon after death and people I've never met. I've seen  bright geometric moving shapes and bright lights with no light source. I've had one experience of auditory hallucinations during a flashback, I heard crying and laughing.

I say they're manageable because I don't get lost in them. I can still function yet ponder the meaning behind them.  The experiences make me ponder my spirituality. I have embraced these experiences yet cannot talk about them with many people because of their negative and judgemental reactions.

I do get lost when paranoid however. Occasionally I have episodes of feeling persecuted. With copious amounts of therapy I can dig my way out of negativity.

I hope this is helpful to you. I'm curious about your experiences.
Seriousann333

I also have issues during the holidays. I can cope better than I used to. I detach myself and observe interactions as if I'm in a movie. I see the greatest acting at family gatherings. I'm an actor too. Deep inside I know what happened, I know the truth. Now when I've had enough I can leave. When I was younger I didn't have many options.
Why do I keep coming back? Probably because I get to be around them when they're well behaved.

I was emotionally numb for most of my life. I'm 38 now. Emotions were there but faint. I felt the trembling shakes when emotionally triggered. However I didn't know I was triggered. I had been this way so long, I didn't know how else to be. I now can feel more after being in therepy for 4 yrs on and off. Emotions now are really intense. It can be overwhelmin, yet somehow I get through it. All I can say is that therapy can bring up a lot of emotions. Over time for me it got easier and now I feel like I'm living more authentically. I wish you well on your journey.

I'm continually impressed by parents with cptsd. I have avoided having children because I fear my own mental state. I almost lost it in grad school. Fortunately I recovered. Also I work with teens. I do a lot of reparative work with them. I'm a mother figure, the mother I didn't have yet needed. I can't fathom being a mother full time. Maybe someday my husband and I will adopt. But not now. Perhaps when we can afford for me to work part time.

About social service people. I've been in the system and there are good people out there. Social workers removed me from an abusive foster home. Many enter the field for good reasons then can become burned out. The system being broken too can make workers hopeless and their approach towards vulnerable people suffers greatly. I want to help reduce burnout so we can provide better care to those who need it. Have you considered making a complaint?

About 6 hours after initial dose I take 5 more mg to get through the afternoon. Even that wears off. I also have anxiety at the meetings, which is likely a factor. My day consists of doing therapeutic work then having to discuss cases at a meeting. It can be intense sometimes. I think I will try the green tea with chamomile. It's a good combo.

Boatsetsailrose.
Great question. I have been diagnosed with both PTSD and ADHD. PTSD was diagnosed first, later in life (I was frozen and numb to my childhood until my 30's). I was also  assessed for ADHD and met the criteria. I likely fit in the inattentive type. I'm reporting on what I know about myself. I honestly feel like I have both but they show up depending on my mood and life circumstances.
CPTSD shows up when I'm triggered, my symptoms include: paranoia, mild, magical yet manageable psychosis, insomnia, persecutory thoughts and anger. Once this stage is managed it evolves into detachment, feeling guarded and depressed.  Then my mood can shift to more ADHD symptoms especially when I'm rested: impulsivity, abstract and silly humor, quick wit, extreme creative thoughts and drive, impatience, passionate drive, tendancy to interrupt, becoming overwhelmed with visual and auditory stimuli (in a good way, being fascinated alternating with being bored and not intellectually challenged, alternating with brain fog, memory and concentration problems, struggle to form coherent sentences when tired and irritability.
People may disagree but I feel I have both.
Not everyone is the same. Some may have PTSD only and have memory and concentration problems.

I also have memory and concentration problems. Which is why I drink coffee, but not too much because it can increase anxiety. I was prescribed a low dose of Adderol for my extreme ADD symptoms. It has been very helpful for the brain fog and depression etc. Only drawback is if I take too much it can make anxiety worse. I stick to my dosage, make sure I time it well , drink lots of water, exercise every day and eat well. For me I have to stick to a consistent wellness plan.
Additionally, it's a debate within myself if I have CPTSD only or CPTSD and ADHD. ADHD seems to show up with the brain fog, occasional racing thoughts, some impulsivity. I interrupt people because I can figure out what they're going to say before they say it. I am impatient sometimes and restless as evidenced by pen clicking and toe tapping. I like to stand and pace when I talk which makes interactions challenging. I so badly want to blurt out why I have to move and fidget. But fear repercussions.

I have the diagnoses of PTSD and ADHD. I've never taken anxiety meds. Some say some ADHD symptoms such as memory problems, brain fog, restlessness etc. are actually symptoms of CPTSD. I have these symptoms which are being treated with Adderol. Which I must say has had drastically improved my ability to perform at work and interestingly enough has helped with organization and depression symptoms.
The downside is that my anxiety especially when I'm triggered shows up at night when I need to sleep.  This means I need to time out when I take meds and coffee and how much.

My question is: I have to be part of these meetings at work in the afternoons when meds and coffee are tapering off. I feel like someone took a vacuum cleaner to my brain. I say the opposite of what I mean and forget details. I'm not as articulate as in the morning. I feel embarrassed. I'm wondering if drinking green tea would help a little bit? Just to get through the meetings? Also I'm afraid to let people know I have mental health issues because of a really nightmarish experience with a former job where I was honest when my supervisor asked me if I had Ptsd and was mocked for struggling to managing my triggers.

Great news Multicolor! I am inspired by your perseverance. Let us know how your university experience unfolds!
Seriousann333

Wow! Interesting and insightful words. I can visualize about 10 movie plots with your posts.
I have come to realize that abusers unconsciously made attempts to tame my inner wild child because my wildness was percieved as threatening to societal norms. They thought they were successful. However there was a tiny fire still burning bright within me that was protected. It waited and it burned despite being encased in ice. The ice has melted, the feelings and memories of abuse emerged. The tiny fire grew and sparked and raged. Sometimes it was destuctive and needed powers to help harness it so it didn't consume myself and others. Now I can use it for good. I use the fire from years of abuse to fight for others who are being abused. Working with fire has its risks in that sometimes when triggered I lose control of its potential destruction. That's why I often retreat in order to gain control of it again. It's an ongoing process.

 I will gladly accept feedback regarding this:
I write and make art because I need to. It's something I can control. I have ideas to get out there to but fear the impact on my career. I don't want any of my clients to know my story because I don't want to trigger them. (I wrote a clean version of my strory on my introduction to this forum, please read it if you want, any feedback is appreciated). I've considered creating a fake name for my own protection. Any thoughts?

Also, Muticolor about you studying writing. Have you gone to speak to a campus counselor about your needs? Perhaps some accommodations can be made to ensure a safe learning environment? Such as if and when triggered you can take breaks etc.? Everyone has a right to an education.

EmoVulcan: Your post inspired me to think about how important it is for us to share our experiences and impact of abuse regardless of how it may be percieved. True stories of abuse and survival can hold people accountable for their actions. Also our survival means abusers couldn't erase us or silence us. I often think about abusers as feeling powerless and subsequently taking power away from others. Getting their sense of self from others. I use my abuse experiences as fuel for my fire within. I took their crap and now will tranform it into something more powerful than anyones expectations.
Thanks for giving me space to rant!

Multicolor
One more thought about your writing dilemma. Perhaps seek out a creative arts therapist in your area? There are art, writing, drama and expressive arts therapists all over the country, worth a Google search. A trained creative arts therapist can provide guidance and skill to ensure safe and supportive creative expression.
Best wishes
Seriousann333

You have a right to your feelings and to the telling of your story without being blamed or made to feel marginalized for being subjected to cruelty. People do want to hear stories of hardship and triumph. The only thing is the sharing of stories needs to be in a supportive environment. Just a thought, I used to run creative arts and writing groups with Veterans. It had its challenges of course. I saw tremendous support within a groups of people who have trauma in their histories. I worked hard to make the environment safe for Vets to share pain and receive support. Also I started a group exclusively for women sexual abuse survivors. Believe me, there was no judgement in the room because they were in a safe place and reminded to keep it safe. If anyone in these groups showed disrespect for another it would be brought up and redirected. Perhaps start an online group of creative writers?  Maybe a book to help educate enablers and shamers of the cycle they're perpetuating? Knowledge is power and people need to walk in our shoes.
Take care
Seriousann333