Messages

Thank you! I'm grateful that other people relate and can share their experiences- I noticed things like compliments make me uncomfortable, and I hide for a little while after receiving any. Kicked myself into gear today to respond to the kind messages (been hiding a little bit.)

I am still in acute care, Niko! Every day feels almost the same so it feels difficult to notice any progress, but I know I'm making some. I hope everybody's doing okay!

ETA: Today I had a chance to think about why I'm so dissociated and realized there's a lot of lingering resentment towards myself. Sometimes, it's things as simple as realizing how easily upset I was as a preteen and that I had to numb things down to feel "strong"- that I would get upset at myself if I wasn't numb, until it didn't feel like there was much left. Resentment towards crying in particular- I hated crying in front of people. I have hope that it won't always be like that (and I think I could spend time figuring out where I got the idea from.) Taking it easy today. 

Always happy to see you post, and am glad that you're here!
No matter the feelings you're experiencing, all of them are welcome. 

thank you notalone!

Learned something new about myself today. It feels like I start avoiding other people as a safety mechanism, and looking back at high school I can definitely see it. I never thought of myself as someone who hides but that's definitely what I started doing- fragile self esteem, trying very hard to be liked but at the same time if I'm noticed, I get the urge to sleep/hide. It took a little bit to work through an EF based around being cold/damp (the basement), and I know there's structural dissociation. Like, the first half of the day just seems to vanish around dinner time. I spend a lot of the day feeling tired. The good news is, I got a long walk in!

Another thing I noticed: I start most days feeling anxious/fearful without knowing the reason why. Still figuring that out; I think it's progress. May be related to starting the day around a bunch of people?

Thank you BB!

Slow progress in leaps; I've been reading and rereading Surviving to Thriving and debating picking up Janina Fisher's book. Hoping for things to move smoothly here in acute care. We're going to be having a salad today from greens grown in the garden!

ETA: We did not have a salad but the day was still good with pasta for dinner!

I'm exhausted though I've been sleeping better for a good long stretch. I think the weariness of trying to manage eldercare, working through trauma, career, home, and then the 1.5 years of school closures with the kids home 24/7. It's been an exhausting time and I feel that I don't have the energy stores for whatever comes next. I keep feeling like I want to just quit my job and focus on my kids just so I won't feel so worn thin. But then lots of people have kids and a job, even single parents. And my job is not nearly as stressful as most.

I also wonder....for those of you who had been numb most your life.....when things start to thaw a bit do you go through depression first? I feel depressed.  Like the anxiety and something being really wrong has loosened...things are finally ok enough around me, and I've let go of control with trying to make things ok with my mom...and where that anxiety and stress lived now it's just...blah. I hope it is short-lived. I spent too much time feeling overwhelmed and stunned numb I can't quite tolerate the thought that I might have to next travel through depression too?

Yes! Depression is normal, it takes a bit to work through. I've found it's often hiding emotional flashbacks so going slow and finding safe places is crucial. It's like, "why did I have to be numb and other people didn't?" sometimes. I hope that makes sense.

Good to hear from you.

ETA: you gave me a craving for rose tea and I found some rose buds in a persian store this weekend. Made the tea today and it was very comforting. I wish I could send you a steaming warm cup.

I'm glad you had rose tea! I've yet to have any, although that's one of the things I am looking forward to when I get out.

Had some relief today in the form of resolving an emotional flashback that led to numbness, though I think that's to avoid the feeling of fear. I know I'm anxious and that it could be depression. Hoping to become more active on the forum again.

Armadillo,
Thawing is good! It's awful that she won't see her grandchildren but may be for the best in the long run. I wish the best for you.

Whew, been a while. Identifying different parts that act up at different times has helped. Multiple child parts that want to make themselves known, increased dissociation as a result of things here (being constantly watched makes me anxious.) Definitive anger and hurt at PA from my childhood and some body aches. It feels like I slept the day away but I've been awake the whole time. A lot of fear and uncertainty regarding where I'm going next and how to act around people.

One thing that has helped is music; although I don't get to listen to it as much as I used to. Some hidden shame. Imagery has helped lead parts away from the internal place I refer to as "the basement." Parts that are angry or confused, other times hurt and sad when I think I'm numb. Sometimes I am and I just have to live with it, but usually there's something more to it. Working on not triggering myself to feel things (which is a bit tempting.) That's about all.

I had similar experiences growing up, and I feel you.

When I was younger, the idea that someone could just not like my emotional reactions and energetically invade my privacy to read my emotions, which imo is kind of an intimate invasion of privacy, and then force their own energy on me, when it was unwanted, and if they were truly and empath or even a normal human with the ability to understand body language they would know I Did Not Want That. (and didn't agree to it either) And they did it specifically because something about me made them uncomfortable.
(TW sexual abuse) Like, it sounds rape-y because it is rape-y. I was supposed to understand that some people just "naturally" invaded others privacy (were empaths) and were "helping" by forcing themselves on others who didn't consent or agree or ask.

You could take that sentence and apply it to rape. You could apply it to medical trauma. You could apply it to cult abuse. You could apply it to a lot of abusive things because it's abusive. It leaves you with messed up boundaries and self-concepts. I leaves you more susceptible to new kinds of abuse. It teaches you things about consent. And it teaches you to put others who don't care about hurting you or making you uncomfortable above your own needs and feelings, not just because they're special or anointed but because hurting you makes them feel special and annointed.

I hope I didn't go too extreme with this, I have a hard time with this sort of thing. I'm glad you're getting back into meditation and seeing that things aren't supposed to be like your mother did them though.

Hi Goblinchild,
Our experiences seem similar! That's about what happened to me, I know I didn't want it and there's this part of me that wonders if things would've been different if it hadn't happened. I never asked for it, I didn't even know what was going on until she told me she *TW* "knew what I was dreaming about." I don't know if she did or not, there were little ways she'd find her way into my head and mess with me. The moment I had *TW* my first period, she went and told her boyfriend, who did nothing about it. I'm still sad about it. A large part of me is just hurt, and confused, and distrustful even of myself. There are times where it makes me feel sick to my stomach. I've never been able to disclose it to anyone until recently and the whole thing feels gross. Empath or not, "energy healer" or not, I didn't deserve or want that.

I had no idea how to assert myself at that age and still struggle with boundaries as a result. I appreciate you sharing your story, it makes me feel less alone and like I have space to heal.

TW-
I used to neglect myself by forgetting to eat (ED), or I'd smoke instead of eating. Then it turned into emotional eating which fueled the ED more. I developed one to "deal" with neglect by my M, and it just never went away. It stayed dormant for a little while; then went full-fledged in high school. My F told me I'd grow out of it.

Appreciation
I'm unlearning unhealthy patterns more quickly.

Emotion
Somewhat dissociated- wanting to process emotions more quickly but I feel a little frozen.

Accomplishment
I exercised today.

Welcome, Heart!
We're glad to have you here. We believe you.

Welcome back! I feel a bit relieved about your decision. It sounds like that will be the healthiest for both of you for awhile. I'm glad you are being gentle with yourself for the coping mechanisms. I don't have an ED but I slipped easily into not eating for most of a week when I was reliving some physical triggers. I have full confidence you can and will get your eating back to normal quickly if you just kind of roll with it and keep health and balance in mind as your ultimate goal.

Thank you for the kind welcome. That's what I used to do! I'd just forget to eat, or be distracted by other things (drawing, video games, forums). It's not a conscious thing- or at least, it wasn't when I was younger. Now it fuels my inner critic a little bit more than I'd like.   Things have been relatively slow in here, so there's less stress and less reason to engage in SH. I'm just glad to be able to use the forum again after the internet went down.

Dissociation has just been feeling sleepy for the most part; not complete numbness. I think that's progress.

You're going through a lot right now! It sounds incredibly difficult- you're really strong for being able to deal with it. Wishing you the best. I wish I knew what to say.

I'm back!
The internet was down because of a power-line. I settled into gradually accepting that returning to my home situation may not be the best option for the time being and told FOO to give me maybe a year. A long time for someone in my shoes (and in his), but I think it's for the best. The physical flashbacks have diminished (save for a few times where I felt my legs being hurt), and right now I'm dealing with the re-emergence of an *TW* eating disorder as a result. It feels like if there's not one thing to deal with, another self-destructive coping mechanism has to pop up.

Trying to be gentle in regards to it (and to curb over-exercising.) Thank you for keeping an eye on my journal and giving feedback!