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Sorry i am not really sure but just to be safe, there maybe a TW.

As strange as this may sound, that i am actually writing this i see as a step in the right direction. I really wish i had known about this forum when i started my treatment for CPTSD and APD just over 12 months ago. It has taken the best part of the last 2 months just to write a post, as the my fear levels increase just at the thought of posting how i feel. I will write and re write constantly and then delete as i am often scared of revealing myself or part of myself to others.

I am not sure how this journal will develop as my life is very much on a tightrope right now. I function, at the most basic of levels and anything more is difficult and always alone. I had a long term relationship of 18 years, but the last 4 to 5 years it was more a carer/patient role as opposed to one of a loving partner that could listen to and be there for her and not for her condition.

Physical or intimate contact was difficult for me at the best of times, but became impossible when i damaged her ribs during a brief moment of intimacy simply because she was so fragile. I think from that moment on we both knew that i would be to frightened to just hold her as the thought of hurting her became to much for me to even think about never mind discuss. That was also the moment in my mind at least where i believed that at least by looking after her when she was in pain, that our relationship would survive.

I could not communicate with anybody in any way  and it was only the end of the relationship that showed me i needed help. Which in turn led to my diagnosis and start of my treatment.

Talking about how i feel can be very difficult. At the moment i feel so lonely, moreso than ever and yes it hurts so much where even the slightest mistake can pull me down. I am recognising behavioural patterns that would normally have led me down a self destructive path for months, now it is just days. But i really am hurting at the moment and thankfully have a session next week.

I will update soon, but i so want this pain to go.

Hi Deep Blue,

I agree with the sentiments of everyone in that no-one deserves to be abused and that survivors of all trauma`s are not to blame even though our brains often trigger or even trick our feelings of doubt, guilt and shame which adds to the confusion leaving us to think that maybe we were at fault, when we most certainly are not.

I would like to offer you a hug if that is ok? I would also like to offer you some hope.....your questions, your doubts and your pain are all part of your healing process and you are so much stronger than you can possibly imagine. I hope you do not mind me sharing a process i have been and still am currently working through as my intention is really to offer you support and encouragement as well as recognizing your courage.

I have now learned to see these thoughts and feelings for what they are, imposters!! With the biggest one being that i was not good enough, (the very same imposter as "it was my fault"). I no longer see staying in that environment meant that i deserved this. As a child or an adult if we stay in an abusive environment, then we do this partly out of fear, partly out of survival and as weird as this may sound partly out of 'love'!! Always without a choice!!!

Deep Blue your inner courage and love for yourself, your love and compassion for others will come out, it may not feel it at the moment but it will. And that is what makes you stronger than those imposters in your mind and always stronger than those who were to weak and insecure to recognise the wonderful person you are and always have been.

Thank you for inviting me to OOTS. I was diagnosed last year with CPTSD and APD and have been lucky enough to have a team of people helping me with treatment including body work (literal translation) and EMDR. In short my traumas started with physical abuse as a child, moving through to extreme violence in the military and finishing with the trauma of being a partner helper and losing a number of family members and colleagues through sickness over a short period of time. It has beeen really hard to try to explain how i feel or the process i will go through when trying to fit into a social environment, to others including my family whom i love dearly. But like everyone else,  i have never been able to really connect, or communicate with and then spent years finding excuses to say no to invitations. I have joined other forums and while i have been more than happy to offer support i have often withdrawn or panicked when finally thinking i have the courage to write and introduce myself. So i have never actively engaged, until now and to be honest i am absolutely terrified.

I chose my user name Wingsunclipped because the first 20 years of my life my wings were clipped whether by individuals or institutions and the next 20 years i kept them clipped myself as i was to frightened about how i may react in certain situations. The last 12 months of therapy and also my own hard work in wanting to change have been extremely painful and hard but also rewarding as for the first time in my life i can actually feel that i have a connection with myself, rather than the absolute chaos i had in my head and the numbness from the neck down. My wings have been unclipped.....but i still have a lot to do to be able to have the courage to fly. And this forum is where i hope i can learn from all of you without fear or judgement. Thank you and wishing you all strength in your journeys.