Messages

I'm so miserable.

I'm struggling so much with normal life.

I recently decided I'd like to go back to being a student, as I'm not coping with work nor am I happy from my job despite having a good salary. The idea of studying what I love again, doing a degree, would give me some purpose and joy in life again (I think). When things were really bad I was studying what I loved. Despite what I was going through there was something great about doing that course.

The issue is I have such low self-esteem recently and my social anxiety has reached terrible levels.

I'm struggling to even ask someone for a reference, which I need for my application.

I've lost so much confidence in anything I say. Whatever I write I think it's wrong, or it might be, I'm not sure. I don't trust my own judgement to socialise properly and be polite or not weird.

I'm also aware people might judge me for leaving a career field with great opportunities to pursue something artsy which is very difficult to break into and succeed in as an industry. It's a silly worry I guess, because who cares? It's my life and I know what makes me happy and I know I could survive financially. But even silly worries are boxing me in to being silent.

My brain just isn't being my friend and I don't know what to do.

It's getting bad. I'm scared to talk to therapists about arranging counselling. I'm scared to resign my job. I'm terrified of going back to work. So, so scared and ashamed constantly. I've lost all my confidence and self-esteem and don't know what to do, or how to believe I'm okay again.

Thank you so much for the kindness and understanding.
I relate a lot to the things you have experienced as well. Things are definitely hightened when triggered to do with wanting to run away and avoid. I’ve been getting in a better headspace since (at times, anyway) and I start to see that the best thing for me is to go back to work and not harm my stability and future by abruptly quitting. It’s the shame that’s making me want to run away, because I feel I can’t bear it when triggered and I’m so concerned with being “good enough” (ie perfect) and the terror of being perceived in a bad light.
The healthy outlook is to make the best of the future, not stay stuck in the past and wallow in shame and let it control me.

It’s really hard but I know I need to move in the right direction, and definitely take recovery more seriously so I can cope better and feel better in the future.

I have these very rare experiences where I feel "real again." It's hard to describe in logical terms.
It's like most of the time I feel disconnected from myself and from experiencing my life inside of me. It's almost like I'm outside of myself, but that doesn't make logical sense and obviously I'm physically not.
A rare occasion of feeling like "me" again was a time I got really upset about things that happened in the past but sort of acknowledged them instead of being disconnected and away from it all. Then I felt like "I" was back. I felt connected to who I was in the past. I felt like the same person that lived my past memories, like those were my memories and experiences.
Usually I rationally know that but I don't really feel it or something I guess?
It made me realise what I enjoy and what I want to do a bit more as I felt that. Like that I was a sporty person. I loved sports when I was a lot younger, really did, but haven't done or enjoyed them in many, many years.
I'm realising and becoming aware again recently that I'm not in this state of being "me." It feels like I'm wasting my life if I'm not really living it but always kind of gone from myself?
I want to get back from that. But at the same time I don't know how to just deal with all my really tough emotions about all the things that happened, by myself. I'm looking into therapy but it's hard to find complex PTSD treatment, struggling to find a therapist for that in this country and I want an actual CPTSD one so I'm being guided more instead of making my own treatment plan (cause I'm not a professional and all that).
Bit of a ramble here. I just really want to come back to myself. Even right now I just feel so numb, so so numb.
It's so hard to describe but what I want is that feeling I remember:
Being involved in my life. Experiencing emotions. Feeling like myself. Feeling like all the one person with a full set of memories that connect to me. Having my own inner voice and some sort of good / neutral relationship with myself.

It sounds so basic - and it is! It's normal, right? But not for me right now.

Not to be self-pitying, just realising some things - which is good. It all motivates me to get better.

Thank you for the advice it means a lot! 

I went to the doctors and I've been given a sick line for up to a fortnight so that's good.

My boss might be frustrated about it, I'm not sure, but he's at least acting nice enough about it.

I got given some beta blocker medication and it has worked really well, my stress and anxiety has drastically reduced and is no longer taking hold of me.

Self esteem CBT sounds good and I'm going to look into that. Thank you <3

I'm going to try and build myself up a bit in my time off. There's lots I need to change and work on and I can make a start. Hopefully get on track to being able to continue recovering once I'm back at work and hopefully not need another break like this. Fingers crossed!

I've just got so caught up in what other people think and perceive because there's a high demand to be an amazing / perfect worker and I'm struggling with some aspects of that. It got to me more than it should have but I do understand I have a condition and I can't really help it that I got so stressed out.

Will need to find a way to deal with the shame I have surrounding this as it's my biggest barrier for returning.

I have been pointed to some resources so going to try and arrange counselling. Hopefully something more long term this time so I can build up my self esteem and get better with socialising again, have more confidence in myself.

Thanks again! :-)

TW: suicidal feelings, panic, shame

I had a nervous breakdown at work. It was quite public in that I locked myself in the toilet for over an hour and I came out with red eyes, interrupted someone to ask for a first aider when still panicking, and had to tell two people including my boss about the panic attack situation. I've then been off work for about 2 days and counting.

I don't know whether to go back or just quit. It's highly embarrassing and I feel like my self esteem has just been shot to bits at work. My panic was triggered by a bunch of negative feedback I got and the fact some of it was telling me how to socialise essentially - I found that quite personal and insulting. Also, was told to announce to the room when I was taking a break - something that gave me immense anxiety and triggered my panic.

My toxic shame, etc keeps getting triggered at work. It's nobodys fault but it just constantly happens, because of my lovely brain

My main goal right now is to get better and recover from my mental illness. I want to get to a functional level so I can feel less horribly ashamed of myself and get by at work without too much of a fuss. Nothing specular, just be basically functional - because I'm not managing so great right now - always late, many sick days, barely talking, occasional panic attacks, etc.
I have felt like I can't go back to work - partly because I'm petrified, partly this severe shame. Everyone says just forget about it and don't care what they think of you but I just can't let go of it.
I'm not really meeting the bar of how I am expected to be. And I'm not sure I can right now.
I feel like I've destroyed my reputation and I just want to quit this job, focus on recovery then start somewhere afresh and hopefully be more functional.

I don't have the most ideal safety nets but I won't be left to die and I have enough money to maintain for a month or two unemployed reasonably well.

I've been getting the urge to literally run away, crazy things, and been dealing with very strong suicidal feelings / thoughts. Since the panic attack my social anxiety has also massively increased back to old levels - scared to go into the shop, talk on the phone - I was recovered from this!!

I don't know whether to just push myself to go in and try and say f- it to what anyone else thinks - I'm doing my best. Or to stop bloody pushing myself because it's all gone a bit too far now and I feel very vulnerable and quite weak mentally / emotionally.

On top of this if I do keep my job I'll probably be signed off on sick leave for a bit with mental illness, and I feel very guilty to get paid to do no work by a smaller company. Especially when I have low intent of returning.

Any advice is much appreciated.

I've been really struggling with work (in a new job), especially the past week or two.
I ended up crying a lot in the toilet yesterday and not being able to stop for close to an hour. This ended with me finally being able to leave composed enough to say I'd taken unwell and had to go home.
I've took today off and I'm considering taking the next day off too as it's the last day before the weekend so might as well make it a full break until Monday maybe? But I'm not sure. I feel like I should be trying my best. Minimising the harm of my absence to the company (especially as small company), but I need to get better too.

My stress just got way too much.
I've started to feel like maybe I should just give up on this job. But there's benefits too - having money, not having gaps in employment. Idk. But how worth it is that if my mental health is reaching danger level and I'm pushing myself to breaking point? Not sure that it's very worth it at all.

I can identify clear causes of the stress. It's the feeling that I'm not producing work "fast enough." This is exhaserbated by my lack of communication on this. I act like I'm doing fine when really I'm rushing things, maybe falling behind, maybe even avoiding asking for help sometimes which impacts too. Like I'm not doing fine. But I feel like admitting to what feels like failure isn't an option so I almost push it aside. No, I must just get this done. No other choice.
It's also made worse by the fact I am asked to give estimates on my time and I usually say "yes I'm sure that will be done." The issue is I'm new to this level of working - it's new for me to be giving time estimates and things. It's new for me to be working so independently as I am as well.
I realise that with estimating time I want to say yes, I doubt myself when I realise something will take longer - think it's my weakness and not just the nature of the task (I really do think I'm incorrect in thinking this but I keep doing it anyway). I'm also way too optimistic. I've been estimating on the basis of everything going smoothly and total utilisation - also, there are things I don't consider as potential issues due to my lack of experience with this technology. Then those things trip me up and I'm like ah, time to panic (: (: 
I know that it's probably smart to raise this - say to my boss - hey I've been struggling with estimating my time on tasks because of x,y,z. And maybe have a discussion out of it. Cause I'm worried and I know they rely on my estimations for tasks being complete to understand where they're at, where the projects at. It matters I'm sure, or why would they ask? And it's causing me a lot of stress to feel like I'm screwing this up time and time again. Ugh

I just struggle with talking about anything when I don't h a v e to. And I feel like obviously it's not what my boss wants to hear. But maybe they'd rather I was more open and transparent. Instead of them seeing the dips in my productivity but not having clear communication from me to know what the issue is and what it is that needs to be worked on or worked around with me.

I feel like giving up right now might be a form of social avoidance and I don't wanna do that right now. It's just a step back.

Taking the day off and sleeping in a bit (I was overtired) and just not being directly faced with stress has helped a bit I think. Things really aren't great but the absolute terror and darkness has faded.

Either way, this is a wake-up call.
I've purchased therapy even though it's bloody expensive and I'm currently living in my overdraft with uncertain job security (:
I keep making excuses to do with money about therapy but I find a way to still buy other things I don't need that don't really help me so much.
Whatever. I'm done not making my mental health a priority because it is screwing with everything!! This hasn't been a week or a month or a year,  it's been the majority of my life I've been suffering and suffering badly. It's causing clear problems in my life and I can't be bothered with that anymore!
I need to throw everything I can at it and getting better from this, because otherwise its stealing years of my life and taking everything down with it (at least it feels that way). I'm bloody sick of that.
I'm not so in denial about it anymore.
I came here looking for advice but it's really just a rant lol.
My main issue is I'm scared I'll go back to work and not change anything and just end up in the same situation again potentially leading to being let go. Idk. Will see how it goes. I'm terrified to go back and so uncomfortable after locking myself in the (only female) toilet for like an hour crying. That was deeply unpleasant and I never wanna deal with that again.
Ugh.

These aren't my only worries. My IC has been big recently and I never really noticed cause I believe in the things being "said." I'm too quiet etc. It's "bad." I should be friendly and likeable and amazing and efficient and a great communicator, smart, etc etc etc.
I've been piling pressure on myself to be this ultra amazing person and idk how to stop.

(: (: (:

I'm not really looking for a solution to this or anything, just want to write my thoughts out somewhere safe cause I feel really alone right now. My IC doesn't like when I talk about being sad, cause it says you're just like [insert narcissistic type peoples names], you're attention seeking, etc. But that's just how I feel just now, and it helps to let it out.

It started on Wednesday I think, most of my friend group were invited to a party and I wasn't. It felt sad to be left out. I mean logically, I wasn't close to the host so it made sense that I wouldn't be invited unless to include me or if there was room for plenty of guests. So logically, I can see that. But it still kinda hurt, and makes you examine yourself. I know I am very anti social a lot of the time. I live my life pretty closed in, barely speaking unless spoken to. It's not a great way to make or maintain friendships lol, but speaking up triggers my inner critic and social anxiety big time, so it's just so unpleasant and uncomfortable it makes sense to avoid instead. I did find it weird that my partner wasn't invited either, he was much closer friends with the host and a clear part of that whole friend group. It was weird to me that he / we were left out. And it makes me wonder why. Why were we not liked enough or chosen? It feels like a rejection.

I know I probably overreact to this stuff a bit, though. I've had parties where I've not invited people I genuinely really like - due to numbers or feeling like I don't talk to them enough so it'd be weird for me to invite them (hello, my old friend paranoia).

My relationship has been struggling a bit recently too. I don't feel very liked / desired in it recently. I feel like I make almost all advances for physical affection, etc. I'm the one who usually wants to spend time together. He's not as interested, or tired of me. He might just be tired and stressed or something, but I don't know. You can tell when someone is really into you then that fades out. It's different between us now. Maybe that's just the "honeymoon period" being over. It just seems like I used to be a joy to him, someone he was happy and excited to spend time with now and now I'm an obligation that doesn't go away.
He's not cruel or anything. I'm not saying that he's doing anything wrong. I just feel not really appreciated or wanted. He's often irritated with me now or lost interest. And that's not very fun. Just makes you feel hurt and more alone. It's not nice to feel like such an annoyance. Especially in your relationship. This isn't all the time and he's not like abusive or anything, I can just feel that something has changed. 

As for work and home - both are new places, new flatmates and new colleagues. I'm so quiet and socially avoidant. I can feel myself crawling back into my shell. I finally came out of it a bit and had friends at my old work, and I thought I was getting a lot better. But really it was more like my life had changed than I had changed as such. I changed a bit, for sure, there really are improvements. But all this new environments and unknown people that I'm not already friends with is a trigger. It's put me back a lot in terms of my social anxiety recovery I think. I'm way more closed in again. Way more feeling alone. More avoidant too.

I went to the pub tonight and it was nice to have a genuine conversation with someone, light hearted and that, makes you feel like a human again for a split second, like someone who people might like, who matters? But still I couldn't shake the depression I've been feeling, the loneliness. I just feel like an outsider recently, like I'm watching the groups of people I'm with, not really one of them. Just letting the conversation go on by.

I'm feeling disconnected. And I'm feeling stressed about being lonely.

But also terrified of doing anything about that loneliness. Because there's still that fear inside of me of the shame and inner criticism that socialising brings.

I'm not sure how to even be really, in social situations. I guess you just shouldn't overthink it.

I want to make friends but it's hard.

The way the world is feels like a road block too. When you're depressed or whatever it's like you can't really be genuine to re-find that connection (or not with most people). "How are you?" "Yeah, good!" Whereas inside you've already contemplated death 5 times and it's only 10am, or something. It's hard to talk intuitively in a conversation when all you can think about is the sadness you're experiencing and all that comes with that. Because you're not excited about normal things or whatever. You're just like "I hate my life, I feel so alone, everything is poop, I wanna die." That's not really normal or group conversation.

I obviously have things to work on.
And I should probably address my relationship issues soon. Because being in a relationship where you feel increasingly alone and not very liked, is probably more loneliness inducing than not being in one at all (given you don't dwell on your single life as a reason to feel lonely, double edged sword really, but yeah).
I've also clearly got depression and anxiety issues that are still affecting my life massively.
I need to get over the hump.
It's not helpful to me to feel unable to share myself with others. There's so much loneliness and hurt in living like that, cornered in by shame.

I'm quite sick of it.

Just rambling here to get it out tbh. A part of me wants to say sorry for this but I know that's just another symptom, always apologising for myself. Ugh. 

Thank you all for your kind replies, it’s much appreciated! <3

I just wanna note down something that helped today, again.

I’ve been struggling with a kind of weekend depression - I function kind of “well” during the week when I have work and a very set, mandated structure. But I’ve been totally flopping into anxiety and depression at the weekends, quite severe depression tbh.

I was struggling against it mentally a lot today, and that was causing me a lot of pain and making me think suicidal thoughts (with quite a low level of actual intent but still).

See, I have this idea of how I should be. I should be productive and happy and doing fun hobbies at the weekend, I tell myself. Not laying in and laying around and doing nothing productive or beneficial with my time.

This just spiralled me into despair.

I found later on that accepting where I actually am right now really helped take the weight off. It made me feel more compassionate to myself as I wasn’t holding some lofty standard of how I should be “recovered.”

I realised that maybe today all I wanted to do was lie in bed and watch my favourite TV show. And when I was able to feel less guilty and internally critical of that I was able to enjoy it and chill out a bit more.

The problem with weekends is I feel like there’s so many things I could / “should” be doing that it overwhelms me. I forget to listen to myself, still, and how I truly feel, what I need / want. 

So I was feeling depressed today and that’s okay.

I don’t need to be some idolised version of myself, post-mental-illness forever to live a meaningful and valuable life.

It’s okay to be sad, depressed, scared, unsure.

That’s what I’m telling myself more now.

When I deny my feelings / experience, trying to fight or get rid of the depression, it just brings it on worse and makes me feel a need to escape - because I’m not accepting or allowing the depression.

If I accept it then it stops being something to run from, through excessive sleeping, drinking or whatever else. It’s part of my experience that I’m okay with, and that’s that.

It’s freeing. Calming. For real.

Ironically, it helps it to lift - in my experience.

Weird revelation but felt worth writing down.

Goodnight,

Samantha

Depression type things got pretty severe recently. I've been overworking and go, go, go constantly. Trying to get a new job so put a lot into that, abandoning all my already minimal self care efforts in the process. So it was no surprise when I crashed and burned (more than once) really. No surprise at all.

I done a lot of housework this weekend, made a start, and made a conscious effort to eat 3 decent-ish meals today.

Considering the state I've been in the past few days and this morning, this really was an accomplishment.

I need to spend more time on self care like this. It's very important and I have a tendency to neglect it badly, always running away or numbing out from things.

I am feeling a bit better from it, but I do also feel a bit weird. Maybe a little unsettled.

It is very out of routine for me to be focusing on my own care and happiness.

Hmm.

I also need to spend more time alone, to allow me to do self care and household things as well as things for me and to connect with myself.

I'm in a relationship with a great guy, but sometimes I can get lost in it I think. It's something I tend to do in relationships, constantly want to spend time together. I think maybe because it's a way of running from and avoiding other things. Also, if you feel unsettled, as I do a lot, it feels a bit safer / better to know you're with someone.

But it doesn't really make me happier when it's too much, and it can mean neglecting other things like pursuing my personal goals, having some "me" time, etc.

It's something I need to have a look at and maybe work on - perhaps having some scheduled time for myself.

Completely my responsibility too, this is mostly coming from me, not him.


I done something that really helped me when experiencing suicidal feelings this morning. I wrote a list of things to live for, things like "new adventures, going for a meal (but feeling relaxed), nostalgia, smiling, yoga, airports, playing with dogs, human connection, the feeling of relief and joy when you prove the bad thoughts wrong," etc. It really helped boost my mood a little and allow for a bit of a shift. It took me a while to get out of my slump and I'm still not feeling all light and happy, but I'm feeling a lot better. Hopeful and like I'm getting somewhere, I'm on the road.

So I totally screwed up an interview today because the pressure of being left alone to do a test literally made me cry. I tried to hide it when the interviewer came back in and think I managed, but I ended up making excuses and leaving early because I just wanted out pretty much.
It's not a big deal, I was doing it as a practice interview / back up largely, but the experience wasn't fun.

I went into bad depression mode quickly, of course. Losing appetite, physically exhausted beyond belief and just the feeling of horror filled death screaming in all of my cells (idk how else to describe it with words? Lol. Srsly though).

So after many hours I was doing a bit of soul searching cause I didn't really understand why I got so severely triggered.

It's funny as well cause I was probably capable of doing the test, I done most of it before deciding to escape. It was my mental illness being triggered that seemed to screw things up so majorly.

Cause it was initially triggered by an issue that I found the solution to, that's a running theme in my work life: If I can't do something instantly, BOOM triggered... Oop I done it guess I'm not 100% crap after all better rein in the spiralling despair, I'm actually doing alright here. Yey!
And the cycle endlessly continues.

So I realised what it is. It's the terrifying fear of being caught out as not good enough, the crap person, the lowest of the low.

I was bullied in school, suffice it to say, but I was quiet and fearful long before that. I guess the feeling of not being good enough runs deep.

So that's my fear. I'll need to work around that.

My social anxiety is worse than I thought I guess, cause it was getting better - so much better.

But it keeps coming out as this performance anxiety which is just so unbearable. Because I'm thinking what if I cant do it? What if I cant even finish my attempt? And it feels like it will be so humiliating or it'll be confirmed that I'm the stupid one or whatever.

Idk.

I wanted to write this out cause it felt good to at least get to the root of the triggering and the depression: Fear of not being good enough. Or rather fear of being discovered to be / discovering I am crap. Being scorned and judged. Being seen as the lowest of the low.

(can guess what family figure that might be coming from )

It's a perfectionistic fear as well. I don't want to be not the worst but not the best. I want to be pretty damn perfect in these things, other results are terrifying.

Something to work on and look at for sure.

Thank you ah, I really do appreciate the insight. I am sorry you went through that though. That's terrible that the social workers never even interviewed you, but somehow not surprising!
Thanks for all those ideas as well. I will definately make an effort to do those things. They are good ideas and it sounds like they will help. Thank you.
I also read that about CPTSD and I really hope that it is enough. It should help though, I'm guessing. It's something I definately lacked during my younger years too and I imagine it would help. I do help try and give him a different narrative like saying big people should never hit smaller people, tell him he's a good kid and things like that. I guess these things really do matter and can help a lot. I also try to do activities with him like take him swimming to build his confidence in a way and have fun. Going to keep doing those things, probably more frequently and make sure to take his interests and preferences into account.
It must help just to validate a child in this circumstance by them being safe to vent / talk to you and being validated, instead of scorned, threatened or gaslighted for talking about it. Cause that kind of emotional abuse and struggling to believe your own perspective really screws you up and makes it so hard to move on and let go.
I know it's still very, very crap but I do feel now that I have a lot more power to help here and make this less terrible.

I spoke about all this with someone in my life and they figured the same sort of thing, social services likely won't intervene because there's no physcial marks / it's not what is deemed "severe." They said the best thing to do probably is to frequently be there for him and continue taking him out to improve his life how I can, then when he's 16 I can provide somewhere for him to live if this is preferred.

Anyway, my plan is to arrange a schedule around my brother staying over maybe once a fortnight (I live a little far away) to spend a day or two here, and seeing my other brother about as frequently too. I will also be seeking proper emotional support on all of this I think, as it feels a bit like navigating an emotional minefield being so in contact with my family again, especially with this whole situation, and I need to be strong to maintain it I think. I also need to be smart in my descisions and how I manage this so could use the support in that too. Also gonna be educating myself further on dealing with abusive people.

Thank you Blueberry as well. :-) I really appreciate the kindness and the insight into your experience. That's good you had some support and I'm glad to know that it helped a bit. Sorry that it was turned against you at first however though, that sucks of course.

I appreciate this community so much. You guys here have helped me so much over the past 2 years. Dread to think where I'd be without it. Means a lot and I'm feeling very grateful 

Thank you for replying.

Yeah, that's fair. I'm going to arrange professional counselling around this I think. Too out of my depth here and need proper help.

If reporting it still seems to be the safest option for him, after advise / counselling, I am going to work on building up my courage to do it. It's really difficult and I feel scared for my life to do so but I can't allow this to happen to somebody else.

Thank you. I really do appreciate it <3

Trigger Warning!!

- current and past abuse in different forms, gaslighting, control, family issues, emotional abuse, resulting CPTSD



I'm in a bit of a pickle where I have witnessed verbal and emotional abuse of my young sibling. He is a constant scapegoat of both parents, treated like he is just bad, rather than his behaviour. I believe my father is narcissistic, completely lacks empathy or the ability to be wrong about anything (constant, angry deflection and defence), among other traits like being a bully, fits of rage, severe ego issues, etc.

My mother is an enabler, just as she was with me, employing gaslighting and shaming to silence, as well as the implication that the child is bad or just as bad for reacting to or "provoking" abuse.

My sibling has also said he is scared of being hit and has been hit before, something I know to be true. However, it is likely this is being hit without a lasting mark being left, which is not yet illegal here.

He also apologises frequently and says it's because he is given into trouble for basically everything.

I recognise gaslighting being attempted in my direction, suggesting my little brother is lying - but it's terribly inefficient because I know that he was hit in the past and I was too, so it's ridiculous if they expect me to believe he's lying or being dramatic.

I was severely psychologically damaged by my child abuse to the point of severe depression, social anxiety and suicidal feelings for at least 5 years.
Understandably, I am very worried and concerned about my brother. But I feel lost at how to navigate trying to fix this or help as much as possible, because of the complex web surrounding child abuse, e.g. I was treated as crazy or irrational and my brother is treated as too sensitive or bad, and this view is promoted outside of the family too (at least it was for me, increasing the amount of enablers and gaslighters). I am also still very much terrified and my father triggers my PTSD if he shows even a hint of how he would get when he was abusive to me when I was trapped. So there's a physical terror of standing up to him or criticising. I'm not sure how far he would go either, I've saw him attack another woman via Facebook, sending long messages full of hate, so when he feels crossed he does not let it go and obsesses over it tbh, expressing his hatred of the other person often and overstepping lines in a major way.

Ideally, I would like professional advise on my options, but I know that many in the field are inexperienced and don't properly understand narcissistic abuse. It would be good to find someone truly educated and understanding on this kind of thing, as the ignorance around this type of abuse is so prominent and damaging, in my experience. I've dealt with professionals who viewed my father as someone "normal" who was just under stress / making mistakes / unaware of the hurt he caused so I need to just tell the truth / confront (dangerous / damaging idea).

I guess I'm looking for advise and would appreciate hearing from anyone who has dealt with similar.

It's a sensitive situation, if I speak up / out it would crumble certain pretences and it would likely mean severe emotional damage for me (as they would attack / shame / upset me). It could also mean causing lifelong difficulty or abuse around trying to maintain contact with my dependent siblings (one is disabled so will likely always be dependent). I feel like me visiting them frequently or being in their life allows me to be a non abusive adult in their life and provide some happiness / care / love. I'm afraid to damage that opportunity.

I'm also aware that abuse / control could worsen in this situation, due to deflection / rage / insecurity leading to more severe attempts to silence and control.

There's also the issue that my brother is quite young so easily influenced and very dependent on my parents and attached to M, so not sure if risking breaking him away from the family would be a great option. I highly doubt M would leave F, so it'd be both or none I believe.

Idk. Idk how this works.

I'm just unsure my best option here. I want to protect my brother as much as I can, from severe emotional damage. Not sure if my best bet is to allow him to come stay every week or two for a break / normalcy, be supportive and believing of him, etc, then when he's an adult help him easily move out and maybe recover a bit, etc. I should be financially able to provide support in this manner, if it came to it so he's not trapped there or homeless from leaving.

But I do obviously wonder if that will ever be enough or if there is a better option.

All of this is very heavy on my conscience, even if I'm not the abuser myself. I am heavy with the idea that I could be enabling or ignoring this just like many done when it was me. And I am terrified incase he becomes severely depressed / self harming / suicidal like I did from it. I already feel he is experiencing emotional damage and abuse.

I know this is really long but it's important to me. Grateful for any input, thanks.

Thanks everyone <3 sorry that you've all dealt with similar things.
It's calmed down a bit I think, but I do virtually always do something weird in my sleep when we sleep in the same bed now, like I'll jump and wake up, maybe yell out if he twitches in bed or something, but not had another sleep terror, that I'm aware of.
I don't even feel very stressed recently, idk, maybe I'm in denial a little bit... But it's just even when I feel quite calm and happy it can still occur, the jumps and stuff over tiny things.
It's just weird. I've been out of abusive situation(s) for years now and I never had this before. Now bam! It happens once and then I alwaaays have issues. Makes me wonder if the sleep terror experience itself caused a bit of trauma or something.
I might seek help around it anyway as going to go for cheap healthcare via work. Confident I can get through this. Will take time but have made some progress, can sleep in the same bed again with just a few startles. Sounds crap but is quite an improvement.

I feel this recently. I was a very active, energetic, sporty kid. I lost a lot of that. I think doing the things I loved as a child would help me. That's why I'm considering playing football again.
I feel like my life was stolen from me at about 10 or 11. Probably before then too but that's when I remember things getting really bad.
I've been reintegrating or something recently, and I feel like me from back then (about 10 / 11) has been added back into who I am - like memories have been coming back and I feel like that's me again. I think I was quite severely fractured and dissociated for a long time, I almost felt childhood-less - lost and floating.
So yeah, I think in that sense having childhood me back to an extent is helping. It's not easy but I'm so glad to feel real again etc. And I'm looking forward to doing the things I actually like(d). It's hard to put it into words but it feels good. I think it feels like loving myself and coming back / home to myself.