Messages

First off Papa Coco, TOTALLY AGREE about Big Pharma. There's so many other healing things (that may not work for everyone, and medication CAN certainly help people so no shame at ALL) in the world that people should take advantage of without the government stepping in and ruining it. I've known people in treatment who got ketamine doses and they became almost different people. In a good way for them! lol I've also been in therapy my whole life! I can say some therapists have been decent, some have been horrible. I've had maybe two therapists that really changed my life for the better.

I'm so glad that the arts are really healthy for you too! Writing has helped me through a lot of things--like when I got sent to a therapeutic boarding school in high school, I filled up an entire journal. I try to write as much as I can now too, especially when those emotions from the past resurface. Photography is ironically one of my passions as well! I recently got a new camera, so I'm going to try to use it as much as possible and follow what feels right. If I want to make it into a career, maybe I should. Every medium has been beneficial towards healing for me. As I'm sure it is for other people. And I've noticed it's one of the few things that brain fog can't get in the way of, at least not for myself. I think maybe because it's something I or we can really hyperfocus on, and nothing else really matters in that moment besides our emotional expression.

We've all been through so much, at this point, we should all just do what feels right and makes us happy. We deserve that. You deserve that. Art and music has been the most impactful thing in my life, growing up the way I did. I never felt totally alone, and it was always an outlet. Hearing other's pain in their works helped me express mine. You always hear about some celebrities saying they've met people who have said they had saved their lives. And I don't doubt that for a second. I'm sorry that your family humiliated you out of learning music. I'd say it's never too late to learn. I grew up learning piano, but when my family fell apart I stopped taking lessons and had to do the rest myself. If anything, you can always get a keyboard and learn songs on YouTube. I've done that! I learned a bunch of Linkin Park songs LOL Or maybe try learning by ear, because some people are naturally talented that way and you might be too.

Papa Coco, Phil and Blueberry-- I am so incredibly grateful for all of your responses. They are so reassuring. I almost cried seeing that you all responded.

Papa, you're so right when it comes to what you said about being able to recognize the fact that I even HAVE memory loss. Why didn't I think of that?? lol My brain shuts down when it comes to thinking about decluttering too! I thought that was just ADHD but it could be a combination of both. I go through this cycle of thinking there's something wrong with me and then feeling comfort in the fact that I've been through a lot and that's why. But then I see how my memory is just as bad as my mother (who has MS, ADHD, C-PTSD and shes in her early 50s) and I think, "oh no could I get MS too?" which is possible. But it's not life-threatening either. Ugh sorry I'm going on a tangent I think. She relates to me the most to these things sometimes but I still get into my head.

I am totally comfortable telling you all my age; I am 21 years old. I've had brain fog going back to when I was probably 14 I think. And the trauma I have goes back before that, and continued after. So maybe BB is right in saying my head is in fact full. That's a great way to put it. It definitely feels that way sometimes. The emotional attachment/emotional connection to things or memories is definitely a factor I think. I catch myself living in the past a lot. I'm not sure if it's because I have unfinished EMDR sessions, and my brain just keeps making connections or what.

Maybe it's like an online server where there's so much going on it just crashes or lags.

I have started taking B12 and I can't tell if it's helping yet--I admit i've been a little on/off with taking it daily because I get so distracted. Please keep me updated on how it's going for you Phil! That's a good perspective too--maybe being grateful that the most I got from trauma was a bad memory. I know the vitamin gingko biloba apparently helps with memory and preventing Alzheimer's too. My mom recommended it if you ever want to try!

I'm not sure if that's in any way what you meant but either way I think I'll stick to it. I'm also not sure if I responded to everything you all said, but trust me when I say I took it all in and I'm so relieved that I'm not alone in this. Even though I'd never wish it on anyone since it's like torture sometimes. I'm so sorry you have to deal with it too.
Have you guys tried trauma therapy and would you say that it's helped? Are there any other natural remedies you've discovered? I'm open to anything. Even meditation.

[But right now what's bothering me the most is my memory. My cognitive dysfunction is so concerning to me.]

It's been about two years since I've been on here and so much has changed for me. This is the only place I feel I can come and people might be able to relate to what I'm going through here...

To make the story short, the past couple of years since I was hospitalized with really severe bacterial pneumonia (I was hours away from becoming septic and no one believed I was really sick), I have been an absolute mess. Hypochondria. I went to EMT school during quarantine, which I believe made things even worse. My boyfriend at the time was really supportive but he had emotionally abused me into being dependent on him so whenever we were apart I had severe panic attacks--he was knowledgeable about medical issues. After him and I broke up, I've been trying to be emotionally independent when it came to this anxiety. For the most part, I can handle myself but other times I get stuck in a really bad loop. It's like a bad trip. Especially if I smoke the devil's lettuce. I also get that way when I am sick with a cold. At one point I even thought I was poisoned with cyanide because I got sick after eating dinner someone else had made for me. I'm scared to take pharmaceuticals I've never taken before and if I have to take them, I stop taking them if I feel weird. I try not to freak myself out with looking up possible side effects.

I'm so terrified of dying. It's so beyond me. I fear it might make me agoraphobic even though I love being outside and going places. Sometimes I am able to convince myself death is apart of life, and I shouldn't be so scared of it. But I am. I'm scared of dying young. I used to want to die but now I'm so scared of it it's hard to sleep at night.

If I feel tightness in my throat, I freak out. If my chest feels funny, I freak out.
But right now what's bothering me the most is my memory. My cognitive dysfunction is so concerning to me. I know the causes are a combination of trauma, ADHD, and I may possibly have POTS. But I struggle to prevent myself from thinking there's something really wrong with me. Stress does make it worse. I noticed this when my dad tried to reach out to me again.

I got off my antidepressants a few months ago, and before anyone says the withdrawal might contribute to this, I had already felt this way before. I might get back on them or I might not. Not sure yet. But I wanted to mention this because I know I'm not going to be completely stable until probably a year from now. I feel less anxious in some ways and other ways not. It might contribute to the brain fog though.

Does anyone else struggle with the same thing?? I'm sorry but I need to know I'm not the only one who's brain fog or memory loss is super freakin scary. It feels like it only gets worse and my brain is just deteriorating or I have Alzheimer's.

Thank you both.. She just made me her legacy contact on Facebook. Which scared me a bit.
If you don't know what a legacy contact is, it's someone you've chosen to look after your Facebook after you've passed away. I've been talking to her a lot recently, and she seems to be doing fine. The progression is mild from what I've seen/heard.
I'm also sorry for all of your losses, and I'm sorry if you know grief the same way I have so far.

Thank you for this. It's extremely hard. I don't know how much time I have left with either of my parents.

Hey so.. my mother has MS. She's has C-PTSD as well, but her MS came from a drug her mother took while pregnant with my mom. She was diagnosed at 27 years old, and the life expectancy can be anywhere from 22-35 years after diagnoses. Since she caught it early, she was still able to walk and function normally with medication. Within the first 15 years after her diagnoses, she took extremely good care of herself by eating well, working out every day, and staying away from alcohol. This was until my parents divorced and she took to drinking again. As she got older, drinking on and off coupled with my father putting her through so much, it started to take a toll on her brain. About four years ago, an MRI showed 12 lesions--or scar tissue--on her brain. I knew that she wasn't the exact same person and that the drinking had made an impact on her brain and personality by that point. Which was devastating in itself. Our relationship had ups and downs but she's always my mom.

Now, in the last couple of months, her disease has become more progressive. She's struggled with alcohol addiction, depression and anxiety which all contribute to the morbidity rate. She's now sober, but I can tell her cognitive function is deteriorating more rapidly. She's getting mood swings and acting a bit more erratically, she's walking into rooms and forgetting where she is or why she was there (which, I mean I do that too sometimes but the 'where' is more concerning). She's turning 51 this year, and I'm praying to God that things don't take a sharp turn downhill.

My fiance looked at me with sad eyes reminding me how long she's supposed to live under her circumstances. Reality kind of sunk in. And talking to my grandfather, he told me that I should spend more time with her. I agree.. But I'm not ready to lose my mom yet, man. I'm remaining hopeful, but I'm scared that even though she took care of herself early, the alcohol might've canceled that out in the long-term. As long as she can still walk, I'm hoping it'll give her more time with me. I'm crying writing this because I love her so much, and she's understood me more than anyone else ever has. She's the only person who knows what kind of person my father is and can support me through the abandonment and suffering he put both of us through. My father is getting old too. I knew I'd lose them early but I'm only twenty years old and I want them to meet their grandchildren and see me get married. It might be selfish but I want them to have those memories too.

I feel so alone knowing I'm going to lose them both so early.. This might sound juvenile but.. She's my mommy. I love my mommy. I miss her.
I'm trying to see if I can surprise her by flying up to see her soon.. I'll keep you all updated.
Thank you for your support.

I thought I'd write here again since it's been a couple of months.
There's a lot going on right now. My fiance and I are in the middle of trying to move across the country, and I feel extremely useless right now. I've been going back and forth between having to sell my car so I have enough money to contribute. Everyone in my family is telling me not to, saying it would "take away [my] freedom and independence", but they don't know the whole story. Trying not to let that take over my thoughts. They haven't given me any money, and since I got fired I haven't had another job since. How do they think I've been surviving? My fiance has been taking care of me for almost a year now. Which I feel terrible about.
I can't feel any stress or process any of it. Instead, I've had a totally screwed up sleep schedule and no motivation to do anything at all. I can't even get myself to go grocery shopping. Oh yeah!! And get this, I'm on foodstamps and now they're cancelling that because I forgot to mail my monthly report. Forgot. Day after day.
It's been days and I've only packed one box. Why the heck can't my brain function AT ALL??? ADHD meds or not, caffeine or not, I can't do anything. It's like my brain has completely shut down and given up. Not to mention, my fiance is sick of me not being able to just say I'm sorry right away when I do something wrong. I have to wait until my defenses go down so I'm not mean, but now he's sick of me battling him so that's great.

Good news though, I reached out to my biological grandma today. She told me some things about my bio-dad. Her and I are so alike it's scary.. and now I know where I got my bold attitude from. LOL
Hope everyone is doing well.

Entry #3

Yesterday felt like a total blur. The night before I was having a super rough time, and my MIL was going to sleep on the couch in our room because my BIL was sleeping in the living room. I was just sobbing looking at old pictures of little me, pictures of my parents and I when they were still together. Pretty much mourning the loss (from abandonment) of my F. I was releasing a lot of emotions; grief I think.

She came in and said she was sleeping on our couch, which I wasn't aware of at the time. I don't even remember what I said, but I think it was along the lines of "Oh I didn't know" or "Let me talk to (my fiancé)".. Something stupid because I usually hide my tears and didn't want to prolong the conversation or have her ask what's wrong. She left the room.

The next day (yesterday), I had to take my BIL home which was around 2pm or so. She had to leave the house too to re-park her car. I didn't know she didn't have a key, and I had no idea what she was going to do while she had her car. It all happened so fast, and my brain couldn't keep track of it all.

When I got back into the apartment, I was otp with my best friend, and I hear the LOUDEST banging on the door. This was EXTREMELY triggering for me. I thought at first that it was police. I jumped out of my skin. I was trembling. Once I opened the door, she raised her voice at me (also triggering) saying that she had been locked outside the house for "hours" and she was freezing. Asking me why I had locked the door, and I don't know it's a habit. I apologized multiple times but she was MAD. I was still shaking for the next ten minutes. Why she didn't sit in her car and wait? I don't know.

But once my fiancé gets home, I hear bickering coming from the living room and he asks me "what happened tonight". I said she accidentally got locked out. He said, "that was just an unfortunate situation. She said you didn't let her sleep on the couch last night. She also said that you're (pretty much unproductive and can't do basic daily chores) because you didn't take the dishes out of the dishwasher".

Long story short, that morning, I had to do laundry and take dishes out of the dishwasher. I had done two loads of laundry and then before he got home from work later that night I opened the dishwasher to let some of the dishes dry more. I was going to do it.

No, she didn't express to me last night that she was upset about the "unfinished tasks". No, she doesn't understand what C-PTSD does, that I have it, or what ADHD looks like combined with it. I was going to talk to her about all of that stuff a few days back, but she left the house and disappeared for awhile.

In my opinion, and tell me if I'm wrong, I shouldn't be blaming myself or feeling as guilty or threatened as I do. I feel like because I'm not on the same Type-A energy she is, and because I was slow to do two tasks in one day, she thinks I'm not a good housewife or something. My fiancé got pretty pissed at her for her lack of communication, and from what it sounds like, she was calling me names or bashing me when he was in the living room. Super immature, and also super disrespectful. He wasn't putting up with it, thankfully.

I feel comfortable with talking to her, but if she's heightened or starts to raise her voice, I don't know how I will react. It can go one of two ways: either I become super reactive or I shut down completely and starting thinking inward with a sprinkle of self-loathing. I feel super misunderstood again. Sometimes I just feel like giving up on defending myself. I feel like no one will believe me, or will call it an excuse like my F always did.

When it comes to this condition, my fiancé tells me that I have to try everything I can to help before saying never. I just feel so black/white on this issue. I don't know how much I can do for this cognitive limitation stuff. Right now, I feel like a child about to get an EA punishment because I didn't do what I was asked to do. Very triggering, and I think I even had a flashback last night...

Also, my rational brain is bringing up a good point right now. When she first helped us move in, she specifically said that this is our home and not hers. That there should be one woman in charge of running the house, or else there's resentment. So why is she getting upset at me for doing the chores at my own pace??? She's been helping us with stuff around the apartment in return for us letting her stay part-time. But if it were just myself performing all of these tasks--which include every step of completing it--I wouldn't be so scattered and I would remember what needs to be done. Even without having started the dishes, I'm still somewhat capable of remembering that the dishes need to be removed from the dishwasher. Anyway, if she said that I run the duties of this home, then this is my responsibility and none of ir is her problem. She needs to back off.

Lmk your thoughts.

Hi! I'm new, and I just read your original post. I hope I'm not hijacking, but you've just taught me another thing about this condition that I didn't know was common. I've definitely felt this exact same thing. And it makes a lot of sense that since we've had to be surviving so much, our brains couldn't really comprehend a future. I'm not sure if this is how you experience it, but for me it feels like the future is possible but just intangible. Or surreal. Like I can't imagine what another year or another decade could even look like. Or if it even 'exists' so to speak.
It's similar to things in the past that just don't seem real or tangible. Like it never happened, or it's just a dream. Like it has to be right in front of my face for me to grasp it. I don't know if this is exactly what you're talking about (I can't validate any of my own thoughts or feelings lol).

Is this similar to how you feel about it? I haven't read all of the replies but a few seem to feel the same way about both of our experiences. I'm sorry that you and everyone else has had to deal with this, because sometimes it brings a lot of harrowing thoughts and sometimes an existential crisis. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. It's scary, but I'm glad that you have the comfort of knowing a name for it and that you're not alone. 

It also sucks that people don't understand that IS a constant battle. Every single day. It can turn into a cycle sometimes. Feeling optimistic, getting some things done, not getting enough done as fast as you want to, getting angry/mad/sad. I appreciate that you replied and could relate, because living in a house with people who don't struggle with this can be really hard, and I can feel super misunderstood.

I want to put my life into this stuff, you know? It just feels like I've never got enough time to do what I want to do, do what I need to do, take care of myself, and maintain a schedule. How do people do it?? I have an order for a tattoo design that I haven't completed yet and it's been a month and a half. This poor guy is being so patient, and I feel so guilty that I haven't finished it yet. It's almost done but.. UGH How am I going to make it in life if I can only do like three tasks in one whole day?

I've been drawing all day, and I haven't finished anything.
I don't think it's really my perfectionism as much as it is this lingering fog/slowness. I feel like I can't get anything done anymore. It's just gotten worse as I've gotten older, and I'm only 20. My memory and overall cognitive efficiency has just gotten progressively worse. I don't want to wallow because at least now I understand more of why I have these symptoms. However I just realized it doesn't make it any easier on feeling useless. Wondering if I'll ever make it to be the person I want to be, or if I'll be able to pursue the career of my dreams. I know in my introductory post I was super optimistic about pushing myself, but I also mentioned that I have my moments. This is one of my moments.
Even with my meds I can't FUNCTION like I used to. I don't even know what it feels like to have a clear mind anymore. I can't remember simple words or well-known names.
It feels like the time-span between being super productive and then crashing keeps getting shorter and shorter.
It reminds me of how, when I worked in the memory-care unit of a geriatric residential home, one of the nurses pointed to one of the gentlemen playing bingo and told me that he used to play with four bingo boards at a time. I then noticed that he only had one board in front of him, and it took a long time for him to find any numbers if he could even keep track of the numbers being said.
At first I thought it was because of my recreational drug use three years ago, but that is apparently not the case.
I'm angry at myself, and especially angry at my father. He made my brain into oatmeal. Lifelong impairment, apparently? But when I get angry, usually, it just turns into depression. So I guess I'm not really mad now, I'm just sad.
Thanks for listening.

Stargazer,
I wanted to say that my heart goes out to you.
I don't know if it went through, but I sent you a PM. You are so brave for sharing your story with us, and we are always here to listen to whatever you need to say. Thank you so much.

Entry #2
Soooo last night I didn't fall asleep till probably around 4am. Woke up around 8:15. Felt like I was having a heart attack.
Ever since I had a brush with death having pneumonia last year, I'm a constant hypochondriac. It wasn't a panic attack, it was me just having chest soreness probably because of my lack of sleep.
I recently got off of my sleeping medication, which I was super proud of myself for. I hated feeling like I had to take it every night, along with the grogginess that followed every morning. At one point I was getting such deep and horrifyingly realistic night terrors I was scared to take it and fall asleep. But when I initially got off the drug, I was able to sleep the whole night through. But, now I've remembered why I was on those meds for so long. Not only do I wake up multiple times a night (only for a few seconds), but it also takes forever for me to fall asleep.
It didn't help that my MIL had divorce court this morning and disrupted my sleep by frantically trying to get online, only for her to call my FIL and say, "my attorney told me that maybe we should figure it out between ourselves instead of going to court. let's be fair, and let's not screw each other". I'm not upset with her at all, it's not her fault. She's like a second mother to me--but I had a lot of anxiety from this.
One reason being, we are all moving out of state within four months and it would really help for her to get as much money as she can so we can all be comfortable once we make it there. She just wants to be done with it, and make it civil. Me, knowing what divorce looks like from my parents, panicked at the thought that my FIL would totally screw her over. He's admitted he wanted to do so. Divorce isn't pretty, but we have priorities here. We're getting the heck out of California, so we need as much help as we can get. Of course, I'm not saying she should "suck him dry". But because of my own father and his financial manipulation, I get a LOT of anxiety when it comes to money. I'm not materialistic like him, nor do I care about having excessive wealth. I just want to feel comfortable, as does everyone else. So yeah, this morning wasn't fun.

BUT!!! On a good note, I read a bit of a book that my MIL got for me. It's called the The Artist's Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity. In this book, one of the first things that Julia Cameron teaches, is the Morning Pages. It's three pages of just absolutely anything that's on your mind once you wake up in the morning. That way, all of that stuff is out of the way. This allows the creative brain to keep flowing. I tried it this morning, and I thought it was somewhat helpful. This is helpful too.
I took my meds, and I think I'm ready for the day. Despite the fact that I want to avoid taking a shower when I really should. 

@marta, I never mind when someone shares part of their story to relate to mine. I believe it helps me more, actually.
I only consider it hijacking when they go off about all of their own problems and disregard anything I've said; which you've never done. Thank you for reading, and thank you for your kind thoughts.
Seeing what everyone else replies with, or what other people have talked about or said on here makes a world of difference to me. Truly, it seems like every single thing I read resonates with me.

I love this. Inspiring.