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As I described in my previous post, I have a lot to look forward to. New career endeavors and a graduation, new beginnings in a new location.

But as I'm achieving so much, I can't help but feel disappointed by the fact that someone I knew can't witness them and appreciate them. My father often describes his sadness over her loss of seeing me succeed in my goals and making a future for myself despite the life I once had. I told him the same thoughts crossed my mind, but it truly is her loss.

I caught a little cold recently. You know how, when you get sick, sometimes you might have really vivid and strange dreams? One night this last week, I had two consecutive dreams of two complete strangers telling me, "your mother wishes to speak with you". Each time, I felt her presence somewhere in the room and replied, "she's not going to get what she wants".

It was just odd. Two times in a row? I told my boyfriend and he said, "I bet she does".

I so badly want to know what she's doing with her life. But not as much as I want to know how my cat is doing (she took in both of my cats four years ago). If he's still alive, he'll be really really old. I can't bring myself to think about him, though. It's too painful. In my mind, he's still alive and will be forever.

Anyway, I'm just stuck thinking--am I always going to feel this pain? When I get married? When I buy my first home? When I have children of my own? It'll always be there. It's so unfortunate. I just have to keep reminding myself of the numerous other blessings I have in my life and it'll be ok. I'll fill that hole some day.

I turned 25 this month!

Definitely still having some ups and downs from being reintroduced to some old traumas as previously said. It's lessened--I think since I was able to spend a lot of time with loved ones. I have some positive life changes ahead of me which has also been refreshing. New jobs, new places, new relationships maybe. I also had a very positive departure from my last job which felt good as that hasn't been the case in some jobs before.

My health is also making some big improvements which gives me a lot of relief, although it still isn't easy.

I'd also like to note that I am proud of myself for the steps I've taken to better some of my bad habits and I hope to continue that. Praying that improvements also continue with my intimacy issues. I won't say specifically but there have been some wins there, too.

Still wishing I was able to talk to a professional maybe. I go back and forth on it a lot but it isn't in the cards right now. I'll be good, though.

Chart, as always, thank you for your thoughtful response. PMR sounds like a very valuable tool--sometimes I feel a lot of tension everywhere in my body like I'm gonna burst. Maybe that would help keep me from boiling over when that feeling comes on.

I hope everyone here had a wonderful and love-filled holiday season. I will continue to keep you all in my prayers each night--you deserve it. xoxo

Desert Flower, you're so sweet for taking the time to read my journal here to show support. Also, thank you for validating that experience--my dad did in fact collect evidence to have her charged but decided against it. She also fled to another state on the opposite side of the country. But no further update regarding what happened to the case from when I was 12.

You also validated my difficulty speaking about my feelings. Even now, I find myself going completely silent in times where emotions are high--I miss EMDR. I found it so so helpful.

Also big thanks to Papa Coco and Chart for your responses, you're both so kind and supportive. Regarding disassociation, it's becoming more and more of an issue for me. I'm not quite sure how to put a stop to it. The distracting is really intense. I thought taking away my social media would be a way to counteract it but I find other ways to mentally detach. Staring, listening to a show or podcast, etc. Time is moving like a current and I'm getting swept away from shore and into open waters. I'm in limbo. Not feeling as morbid, just stuck under a veil.

Much love to you all, you deserve the most. 

San, I think we're all in between layers in a way. Thanks for your response again, your insight is always appreciated.

I just realized today how hard I've disassociated this past month. A lot of big assignments were due for one of my classes today. It dawned on me last night how badly I had lost touch with reality when I realized how I didn't put my full effort into these tasks the way I usually do--enthusiastically, too. I spaced on two of them and the rest were incomplete or just minimum effort.. I hold myself to a high standard so I had to fix a lot of it today. I did manage to prepare myself for a few of them very well, considering. But still--wow.

A visit with my partner really snapped me out of it this last weekend though in some ways. The glumness is subsiding for now! He made me smile and laugh quite a lot which I needed. That's a win.

I still find myself, however, constantly looking for ways to escape my mind. Like I daydream about playing video games for comfort and distraction very often. I'm starting to notice an uptick in that behavior when things get tough. Funny thing is, I never actually end up playing them. I watch YouTube during my daily tasks, occupying my thoughts with the lives and problems of other individuals or the conflicts of the world. Just an observation. I wish I'd stop doing that.

I hope everyone is doing ok. Christmas is around the corner and a lot of people are dreading it--more importantly, I hope everyone is staying safe. Love, always. x

San,
I hope I didn't offend you when I said that. I'm so sorry about your circumstances with D1, I'm sure that's been very painful. Thank you for your thoughts and love, I'm sending some your way, too. Yes, it does touches every aspect of our life.

Last night I got into a tiff with my father than escalated because I got triggered by something he said. He mentioned something about me moving in anger which put me in an EF for sure. There were many times in my life that I had no control over where I lived or where I felt safe. That instability left me freaking out in this instance. Anyway, I ended up coming up with a solution to share my feelings with him--it's usually very difficult. I'm pretty proud of this!

I'm more of a writer and feel safe in writing to him than speaking (seems juvenile to me but it is what it is). So, I wrote it all out and read it to him. I sobbed through the whole thing but I felt a lot of relief after and I got to apologize for my frigidness. We had a good conversation and shared some hugs that I felt comfortable with because it broke the wall down. At least for now. I admitted how I beat myself up mentally for shutting myself off to him and how badly I wish I could be authentic with him the way I am with others. But he sees why I struggle with these things and sees past them, which I also expressed gratitude for. I am really grateful. I don't want to push him or my boyfriend away when they're all I have.

Does anyone else feel like once they release their big feelings this way things seem normal, but after awhile, feelings accumulate and build up under the surface again? I'm starting to recognize a pattern here and I remember this being a problem when I was younger, too. I wish I could explain why I'm doing it but I can't think that deeply right now. lol

GT,

You have every right to mourn and grieve. I'm so sorry for what you've had to experience. Being so young when the abuse starts and hoping to have that escape only for that dream to be shattered by those we put all of our trust into as an adult is absolutely devastating. We've always wanted safety and losing that safety to the hands of our safe-person is a betrayal of heart and soul, not just the body.

Without hijacking, I'd like to share with you that you are not alone. I resonate heavily with that loss of trust and safety. Your fear is not unjustified, your brain wants you to survive.

I'd like to give you a lot of credit for acknowledging this fear and confronting it in writing as you have done here. It's very easy to turn inwards and spiral.

Sending you lots of love and hugs 

San, that would be helpful for me.    Thank you. I need to move past the shame and take accountability.

I purchased Pete Walker's book and I read almost all of it in two days. It explains a lot of my behaviors when I was younger and made me realize how much of it I was thankfully able to work through successfully over the years. However, it also reminded me of the work I have left to do which I felt was a positive thing. It gave me a positive push forward.

On the other hand, I've also been watching Intervention on Youtube for funsies. It brought a concept to my mind that I can't seem to shake: how, if only my mother's horrible behaviors ended with her addiction. I see (some of) these families healing together after their loved one receives the help they need and I think, "yeah, they've got a lot of recovery to do as a family but at least they can accept them back into their lives now". I know that isn't the case for all of them, but it'd be nice if my mother's horrific actions started and ended with her alcoholism. Like once she got sober it was the end of the abandonment, brainwashing, gaslighting, jealousy, and selfishness.

I can't help but think about her every day right now. Especially approaching the holidays. Or others on her side of the family that I don't talk to. I wish I could sever the attachment I have to her. I miss her somehow and I loathe it. I resent it. For awhile, I couldn't look in the mirror because of my resemblance to her. When grandparents mentioned how much I looked like her, I cringed. When I see how my fingers are shaped like hers, I feel nauseous. Or how my voice and my laugh is identical to hers. I congratulate myself whenever my cadence or tone differs or is unique to me and me only.

Yet, there is still some level of hurt that after all this time, she hasn't even tried to reach out. I don't expect an apology from her at all unless she's desperate and I wouldn't accept it either. But the lack of trying?

If it were my daughter, I'd be calling, texting, begging for an explanation--wondering how I can make it right or what I did wrong. But ego is a heck of a thing. She can do no wrong.
The most I got was a text from her boyfriend a year ago simply stating that she's "suffering". Ok, and? As if she couldn't fix that issue herself.

Although it would maybe mean something had she taken accountability for anything or even allowed me to explain why she's lost the privilege of my company, it wouldn't change my decision to keep her out of my life. Someone like her shouldn't be allowed near children and she will never be given the chance to access mine--if I'm not too scared to have any of my own some day.

But that's the fine line I walk on. A "mother" who, I guess in her own way groomed me, taught me what motherly love could be, and then fed me to the wolves. She never looked back, man. But I somehow have some love left there. Who wouldn't?

Time will mend this wound slowly. There's a lot of wounds I'm discovering lol

I also wonder at times, not that it counts for anything, what other people think of this when they see I'm not apart of her life. When I discover a child that's nc with their parent(s) I know it's most likely for a good reason--in other words, it doesn't look good on them. What's funny is knowing how she'll never be able to actually explain the real reason to anyone out of guilt, shame, and embarrassment. She will live the rest of her life in delusion and lies. And I am more than comfortable with keeping my partner, my father, myself and my future children clean from any and all of that.

I want to send the letter I wrote. I think about it every year. I'll keep thinking about it. 

Part of healing is recognizing the amount of anger I carry with me every day--today it was a lot.

I hold anger and frustration towards so many big things that tend to manifest as anger towards little things. I'm angry that I can't be affectionate towards my elderly father, which means I get snappy and cranky with him in situations where he used to be angry or violent (he's not that way anymore).

I'm angry about my health issues that came from abuse so as I'm receiving treatment and get tired or weak I'm miserable and pissed. I've come to realize how triggering any kind of set-back or flare-up is for me.

And then I get so sad knowing that the part of me, that miserable, insufferable, b*tchy, selfish, and angry part of me, is winning the battle against what I like to consider the real me. Those closest to me see what's underneath it all, but I'm tired of fighting all the time. I don't want to be angry. I don't want to take it out on anyone or anything.

Today, my thoughts also wandered to the possibility of infidelity in my relationship due to our abstinence right now. I know I can't control that, I know that would mean he was never the one for me anyway. But man, my brain goes to some dark places when I think about if he did.

The goal here is to never have to share this kind of intimacy with another human being ever again. Because I'm done after this one and I'd rather happily live the rest of my life alone at that point. The way I illustrate it mentally is like a rubber band--you can stretch it quite far until it starts to deteriorate and eventually break. I'm not saying I'd "snap", I just mean there's nothing left to give anyone else after that. Especially after sharing as much as I have. But I shouldn't let myself go there.

An additional observation I've made is how I'm always on the verge of tears. Not sensitive to things like I'm PMSing, but genuinely just could cry whenever. Kind of interesting.

Got ahold of someone who handled my case from 12 years ago, hopefully I get some further answers. Prayers.

I hope any readers have a lovely evening/morning/afternoon--wherever you are. xoxo

Have you read Pete Walker's book? CPTSD, From Surviving to Thriving? It sounds to me as though the police report hurled you into a very large EF (emotional flashback). Anyway you probably know all that.

Chart,
Thank you so much for taking the time to read my thoughts and share your response here. It definitely made me feel a lot more confident about tackling this with my partner. He's been nothing but kind and loving about all of it but I'm sure it isn't easy. You're right, it is an intimate thing.

Also, I've seen multiple people on here reference Pete Walker's book. I just ordered it because until now I've never heard of an emotional flashback and it kind of explains a lot--I'd like to know more. In fact, I'll accept any resources anyone has to help me work through this lol I haven't fully addressed a lot of these things until now.

I'll also accept all the hugs!! Thank you, SH.
You are all so wonderful and it makes me very grateful I reached out here again. It's easy to feel alone in something like this.

Hi! Just wanted to stop by and say how real your take is here.

There's a fine line I find myself crossing constantly in thought, where I imagine throwing my iPhone out the window and replacing it with a flip-phone to use strictly for emergencies, and in contrast, constantly wanting to know the full extent of evil our world has come to just for awareness.

You're right that there's a dependency on these screens that leaves us vulnerable and you're double-right that the insanity of it all is why we're constantly trying to find ways to escape them now. I just deleted my Instagram and I find it very freeing.

It's wonderful that you find tangible things more applicable to your way of life because that's the superior way of life (in my opinion at least <3)

Please don't ever stop sharing your thoughts and don't ever stop using the term "fecal matter". In every context you use it, it's just awesome.

PC, this brought me to tears. First of all, I'm so sorry you didn't get justice for what happened to you so many years ago and I'm even more sorry you still feel the consequences of it. The past and present converging that way must have been terrifying.

And yes, I'm definitely still hearing the cannons. Conviction or not, I probably still would. What a quote.

It's people like you and the others on this journal so far that have brought me a lot of peace over these couple of days although I feel like I could constantly cry lol I thank you so much for this quote here:

Younger you wants to be loved and you want to love her. I'm finding that to be the place where healing starts. The one thing all of us want is to be loved and accepted. That's true for our IFS parts too. The magic is in the love we give to each other and to ourselves.

I'll be thinking about you all day today.

This put in perspective my realization that I'm not that little girl now and I really mourn for her. It's like I've been stuck as that little girl for a long time and I've finally broken free of that chrysalis as a fully grown, fully aware woman. Identical to your words, I told my boyfriend the same explanation: that child got no love, comfort, validation, acceptance, or protection from anyone in her life and searched for it endlessly. She deserved better. I'm not ashamed of her anymore and I do love her more than anyone else cared to.

WHEWWWW deep breaths. That's heavy for me. I can definitely say that's the first time I have said that. Progress!

San, great point. You're right. We didn't do it and it is their job to carry all of those emotions. That's relieving to hear. But as bad as it sounds being said, I'm sure I'm not alone in feeling like I wish I could see that retribution take place. Not one of those responsible--there were so many--were legally held responsible.

So close, but they slipped through everyone's grasp. One of them I recently found out--because he stalked my instagram stories, like a FREAK, and yes I blocked him--got 'happily' married. I can't tell you how badly I wanted to reach out to his wife and tell her everything and that he should never have children of his own, etc. But God knows that's not worth it and this also sounds bad but you never know.. She might be the same as him to some extent.

My mother allowed him to groom and take advantage of me when I was 14/15 and he was 22. She nearly facilitated the whole thing and told that predator to "keep his mouth shut" so he didn't get in any more trouble. Is that considered trafficking? I don't know what to call that. She almost got arrested for all of this, too. (If anyone does read this and could verify, let me know) My dad fought so hard to stop it and she had me so brainwashed I thought he was the enemy through it all... To this day, he still won't show me everything he had found about them both. The day that man got caught he didn't get arrested, either. I was there. I thought I was so in love. I was so delusional and so fearful of my father's rage that the cops were convinced enough to let the guy go. I remember him trying to break the door down to save me from that man. As an adult now without kids, I can certainly say I'd do the same for that young girl, too.

Remembering this event now and knowing it as one of many events like it that I normalized through the years is startling. As we get older, our perspectives shift on what's wrong or right. I think what brought me to the shocking reality that none of that was normal was exactly that--getting older. Turning 22 and noticing, "hey, I actually find the thought of sleeping with a young teenager repulsive and destructive to the rest of their potentially regular life". Like, it would never even cross my mind. Isn't that a concept? Unbelievable.

I'm also sat here in disbelief at how I've managed to come out of it all. I should be more proud of that young girl for surviving as long as she did. She didn't picture us getting this far.

Welcome DoggieWoof!!!! I'm another fellow (almost) 25 y/o and ironically no-contact with my mother also. You should feel so proud for making that leap, it's hard but I felt it was so worth it.

I still feel very sensitive whenever my partner is stressed or if I ever have to bring up my feelings to him (luckily he is an extremely emotionally mature man and the sweetest person ever) but the triggers are crippling. I've been with him for 6.5 years but still all my trauma seems to project onto him. I will spend an entire week being terribly nervous about how to bring something up to him... then when I finally bring it up, and it goes fine, I feel depleted and pathetic.

Man, I couldn't relate with this more. Same with the dreams that Kizzie mentioned, wow. We're all in the same boat lol Looks like you've found a home here!

San,
Thank you for your kind words, I will absolutely accept hugs! Unfortunately, I'm not in the financial position to have a therapist nor do I feel like I have the mental capacity to start over with a new one lol But I wanted to tell you, I believe you're correct when you say I've gotten to the deeper part of this. It's bringing out a lot of the early childhood things I never explored/dealt with that must have needed some attention and never really got it. But it's leaving me with a lot of questions, too.

it sounds like you've gotten to a deeper part of all this perhaps? i'm very sorry you're going thru it at all, altho i'm very glad for you that your partner is there by your side, not letting go.  do you have a therapist?  i think this may be something to speak to them about, work on resolving these issues so the triggers fade.  it's rough, tho, when no matter what you do, where you go, something reaches out and sends you spiraling.

i do hope you find justice and closure.  best to you with this.  sending a gentle hug, if that's ok.

And Francis, thank you and congratulations to you as well. It was extremely terrifying to talk about. I discussed things I never shared with anyone in my entire life. There's a few things you brought up that I'd like to touch on here in this journal: shame and hiding things.

Hiding things is something I am working though and writing about right now. The more you can share with the right people/person, I strongly believe the better

The loop you speak of really resonates. It seems some days (or months/years) every action, conversation instantly traces back to my trauma, to that fear, shame, like a gut punch. It does ease some times as I can say the past little while it hasn't been so noticeable. I wish for you that easing and for lots of peaceful moments today.

Besides the abuse, I now remember hiding nearly everything in my personal life from adults around me. Numerous times I genuinely could not verbalize feelings to parents--literally couldn't even open my mouth to speak. I'm glad you talked about this, because in my current relationship, I wondered why it was so hard for me to share basic feelings or why I felt the need to hide things that didn't need to be hidden. There's a constant feeling of shame or embarrassment that it carries.

I'm currently putting together pieces of information that I feel is most likely to validate the early childhood abuse. Such as atypical behaviors I exhibited that went completely neglected by adult figures, i.e. my mother (my father was working a lot). It's painful, but it's allowing me to verify the experiences that are more foggy in my memory. My mother demonstrated a lot of predatory behaviors herself that I now recognize as inappropriate and I question her involvement further and further every day--except I'm sure there's a point where it becomes unhealthy to continue speculating rather than just accepting. She facilitated some very serious instances later in my life. But in early childhood, she did things that made me uncomfortable with my body around both her and my father--he wanted nothing to do with her antics; in fact, he was very embarrassed and shy around sexual topics with me. I felt uncomfortable with physical contact with either of them for a long time. Even now I feel weird hugging my dad. It's so sad and so wrong.

There was an interview of a woman who talked about how her mother took the position of a "vicarious" predator, one who abused her through the actions of others. My mother, in her own way and by her own motivations, was that kind of predator. I find it difficult to tackle one piece of this at a time--the acceptance of it, how to approach this topic with others, my attachment to her and so-on. My brain is a scrambled egg.

Hello, all.

It's been five years since I joined this community and I can certainly say maturity is a blessing. Wow.

I'm holding myself accountable now in an effort to finally work through what I've been avoiding for 2+ years. I mentioned it briefly on here before in January, but now it's come back to rear its ugly head at me once again. So, even if I feel like I should forget about writing my feelings or pretend nothing ever happened, I'm going to write here until I come to one or many resolutions.

I was forced to reopen and unravel my entire life including the last few years of adulthood due to some unexpected circumstances that would be hard to explain. It was one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do in a relationship--I thought for sure my boyfriend would leave me, but he held strong and handled it with grace. However, it affected me deeply in ways I did NOT see coming at all.

When I was 12, a criminal case was opened against three perpetrators. All I remember was everything I had being seized as evidence, being interviewed by detectives, and receiving a teddy bear after I got done with questioning. I realize now how much of it I blocked from my memory--but I remember my mother once telling me they were convicted or caught or something at least. A small part of me held onto that hope for the last nine years. Well, it seems that may have not been the case. I've read the police report but after it got transferred to the DA's hands, the trail stops. Meaning it's likely no justice was served. Now, I have so many feelings about so many things I can't even locate them all. Intimacy with my boyfriend has been frequently unsuccessful--I have to keep abandoning the act altogether--because of my discomfort and fear. It's so sad to me that again, the one person who wants nothing but my safety and happiness, is being pushed away.

So, in order to try working through it, for the first time, in detail, I've discussed the extensive history of my sexual abuse to my partner. Who, THIS TIME, I am completely sure I can trust. But the worst part of all of this is I don't understand the triggers now. I don't understand anything about this. The wound feels fresh like it just happened yesterday. I've been sad, reclusive, pessimistic, really angry, and I couldn't tell you what else. But it's a lot. It almost also feels like I'm in some kind of mourning? I feel like I'm getting attacked at every angle. Everything is reminding me of something to do with my hometown which brings me right back to the same group of thoughts and memories or different one I thought I'd forgotten reappears. It's like I'm constantly making connections to that time period now. Has anyone ever experienced that? A song, a familiar looking person, the way the air feels around you, a smell, and it's just brings you back to the same spot? Constantly? Kind of like a loop.

I saw a girl at work that looked like someone I went to middle school with and somehow it eventually brought me to tears. What the??

I also feel guilty for not being happy when I can't tell my dad about why I might be in a sour mood. I just get snappy and want to be left alone. Or just generally. I feel normal, but not normal at all. Functioning, but not functioning. Depressed, but managing. It's so odd. Motivation is hanging on by a thread--everything I do is done with will-power and the determination to stay on top of my health.

My biggest concern is also whether I'm holding on to these feelings and not moving on the way I should be. Am I holding on or am I just healing? We'll see, I guess.

Anyway, if there are any readers, I wish you all a happy Halloween if you celebrate at all. Until tomorrow, friends.

Pete!! Welcome!!

Like the others, I'd like to say you are not alone in having turbulent relationships that come and go. There are so many things that factor into why that may be for many of us, hence the "complex" in complex-ptsd! I'm sorry to hear that you're going through a rough patch right now. Hopefully through one or all of the outlets available to you here, you can find solace and support in this community. But don't give up on love! You deserve it!

I'd also like to say thank you very much for your service both in the military and as a surgeon, those two jobs are not easy and extremely admirable.