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Part of healing is recognizing the amount of anger I carry with me every day--today it was a lot.

I hold anger and frustration towards so many big things that tend to manifest as anger towards little things. I'm angry that I can't be affectionate towards my elderly father, which means I get snappy and cranky with him in situations where he used to be angry or violent (he's not that way anymore).

I'm angry about my health issues that came from abuse so as I'm receiving treatment and get tired or weak I'm miserable and pissed. I've come to realize how triggering any kind of set-back or flare-up is for me.

And then I get so sad knowing that the part of me, that miserable, insufferable, b*tchy, selfish, and angry part of me, is winning the battle against what I like to consider the real me. Those closest to me see what's underneath it all, but I'm tired of fighting all the time. I don't want to be angry. I don't want to take it out on anyone or anything.

Today, my thoughts also wandered to the possibility of infidelity in my relationship due to our abstinence right now. I know I can't control that, I know that would mean he was never the one for me anyway. But man, my brain goes to some dark places when I think about if he did.

The goal here is to never have to share this kind of intimacy with another human being ever again. Because I'm done after this one and I'd rather happily live the rest of my life alone at that point. The way I illustrate it mentally is like a rubber band--you can stretch it quite far until it starts to deteriorate and eventually break. I'm not saying I'd "snap", I just mean there's nothing left to give anyone else after that. Especially after sharing as much as I have. But I shouldn't let myself go there.

An additional observation I've made is how I'm always on the verge of tears. Not sensitive to things like I'm PMSing, but genuinely just could cry whenever. Kind of interesting.

Got ahold of someone who handled my case from 12 years ago, hopefully I get some further answers. Prayers.

I hope any readers have a lovely evening/morning/afternoon--wherever you are. xoxo

Have you read Pete Walker's book? CPTSD, From Surviving to Thriving? It sounds to me as though the police report hurled you into a very large EF (emotional flashback). Anyway you probably know all that.

Chart,
Thank you so much for taking the time to read my thoughts and share your response here. It definitely made me feel a lot more confident about tackling this with my partner. He's been nothing but kind and loving about all of it but I'm sure it isn't easy. You're right, it is an intimate thing.

Also, I've seen multiple people on here reference Pete Walker's book. I just ordered it because until now I've never heard of an emotional flashback and it kind of explains a lot--I'd like to know more. In fact, I'll accept any resources anyone has to help me work through this lol I haven't fully addressed a lot of these things until now.

I'll also accept all the hugs!! Thank you, SH.
You are all so wonderful and it makes me very grateful I reached out here again. It's easy to feel alone in something like this.

Hi! Just wanted to stop by and say how real your take is here.

There's a fine line I find myself crossing constantly in thought, where I imagine throwing my iPhone out the window and replacing it with a flip-phone to use strictly for emergencies, and in contrast, constantly wanting to know the full extent of evil our world has come to just for awareness.

You're right that there's a dependency on these screens that leaves us vulnerable and you're double-right that the insanity of it all is why we're constantly trying to find ways to escape them now. I just deleted my Instagram and I find it very freeing.

It's wonderful that you find tangible things more applicable to your way of life because that's the superior way of life (in my opinion at least <3)

Please don't ever stop sharing your thoughts and don't ever stop using the term "fecal matter". In every context you use it, it's just awesome.

PC, this brought me to tears. First of all, I'm so sorry you didn't get justice for what happened to you so many years ago and I'm even more sorry you still feel the consequences of it. The past and present converging that way must have been terrifying.

And yes, I'm definitely still hearing the cannons. Conviction or not, I probably still would. What a quote.

It's people like you and the others on this journal so far that have brought me a lot of peace over these couple of days although I feel like I could constantly cry lol I thank you so much for this quote here:

Younger you wants to be loved and you want to love her. I'm finding that to be the place where healing starts. The one thing all of us want is to be loved and accepted. That's true for our IFS parts too. The magic is in the love we give to each other and to ourselves.

I'll be thinking about you all day today.

This put in perspective my realization that I'm not that little girl now and I really mourn for her. It's like I've been stuck as that little girl for a long time and I've finally broken free of that chrysalis as a fully grown, fully aware woman. Identical to your words, I told my boyfriend the same explanation: that child got no love, comfort, validation, acceptance, or protection from anyone in her life and searched for it endlessly. She deserved better. I'm not ashamed of her anymore and I do love her more than anyone else cared to.

WHEWWWW deep breaths. That's heavy for me. I can definitely say that's the first time I have said that. Progress!

San, great point. You're right. We didn't do it and it is their job to carry all of those emotions. That's relieving to hear. But as bad as it sounds being said, I'm sure I'm not alone in feeling like I wish I could see that retribution take place. Not one of those responsible--there were so many--were legally held responsible.

So close, but they slipped through everyone's grasp. One of them I recently found out--because he stalked my instagram stories, like a FREAK, and yes I blocked him--got 'happily' married. I can't tell you how badly I wanted to reach out to his wife and tell her everything and that he should never have children of his own, etc. But God knows that's not worth it and this also sounds bad but you never know.. She might be the same as him to some extent.

My mother allowed him to groom and take advantage of me when I was 14/15 and he was 22. She nearly facilitated the whole thing and told that predator to "keep his mouth shut" so he didn't get in any more trouble. Is that considered trafficking? I don't know what to call that. She almost got arrested for all of this, too. (If anyone does read this and could verify, let me know) My dad fought so hard to stop it and she had me so brainwashed I thought he was the enemy through it all... To this day, he still won't show me everything he had found about them both. The day that man got caught he didn't get arrested, either. I was there. I thought I was so in love. I was so delusional and so fearful of my father's rage that the cops were convinced enough to let the guy go. I remember him trying to break the door down to save me from that man. As an adult now without kids, I can certainly say I'd do the same for that young girl, too.

Remembering this event now and knowing it as one of many events like it that I normalized through the years is startling. As we get older, our perspectives shift on what's wrong or right. I think what brought me to the shocking reality that none of that was normal was exactly that--getting older. Turning 22 and noticing, "hey, I actually find the thought of sleeping with a young teenager repulsive and destructive to the rest of their potentially regular life". Like, it would never even cross my mind. Isn't that a concept? Unbelievable.

I'm also sat here in disbelief at how I've managed to come out of it all. I should be more proud of that young girl for surviving as long as she did. She didn't picture us getting this far.

Welcome DoggieWoof!!!! I'm another fellow (almost) 25 y/o and ironically no-contact with my mother also. You should feel so proud for making that leap, it's hard but I felt it was so worth it.

I still feel very sensitive whenever my partner is stressed or if I ever have to bring up my feelings to him (luckily he is an extremely emotionally mature man and the sweetest person ever) but the triggers are crippling. I've been with him for 6.5 years but still all my trauma seems to project onto him. I will spend an entire week being terribly nervous about how to bring something up to him... then when I finally bring it up, and it goes fine, I feel depleted and pathetic.

Man, I couldn't relate with this more. Same with the dreams that Kizzie mentioned, wow. We're all in the same boat lol Looks like you've found a home here!

San,
Thank you for your kind words, I will absolutely accept hugs! Unfortunately, I'm not in the financial position to have a therapist nor do I feel like I have the mental capacity to start over with a new one lol But I wanted to tell you, I believe you're correct when you say I've gotten to the deeper part of this. It's bringing out a lot of the early childhood things I never explored/dealt with that must have needed some attention and never really got it. But it's leaving me with a lot of questions, too.

it sounds like you've gotten to a deeper part of all this perhaps? i'm very sorry you're going thru it at all, altho i'm very glad for you that your partner is there by your side, not letting go.  do you have a therapist?  i think this may be something to speak to them about, work on resolving these issues so the triggers fade.  it's rough, tho, when no matter what you do, where you go, something reaches out and sends you spiraling.

i do hope you find justice and closure.  best to you with this.  sending a gentle hug, if that's ok.

And Francis, thank you and congratulations to you as well. It was extremely terrifying to talk about. I discussed things I never shared with anyone in my entire life. There's a few things you brought up that I'd like to touch on here in this journal: shame and hiding things.

Hiding things is something I am working though and writing about right now. The more you can share with the right people/person, I strongly believe the better

The loop you speak of really resonates. It seems some days (or months/years) every action, conversation instantly traces back to my trauma, to that fear, shame, like a gut punch. It does ease some times as I can say the past little while it hasn't been so noticeable. I wish for you that easing and for lots of peaceful moments today.

Besides the abuse, I now remember hiding nearly everything in my personal life from adults around me. Numerous times I genuinely could not verbalize feelings to parents--literally couldn't even open my mouth to speak. I'm glad you talked about this, because in my current relationship, I wondered why it was so hard for me to share basic feelings or why I felt the need to hide things that didn't need to be hidden. There's a constant feeling of shame or embarrassment that it carries.

I'm currently putting together pieces of information that I feel is most likely to validate the early childhood abuse. Such as atypical behaviors I exhibited that went completely neglected by adult figures, i.e. my mother (my father was working a lot). It's painful, but it's allowing me to verify the experiences that are more foggy in my memory. My mother demonstrated a lot of predatory behaviors herself that I now recognize as inappropriate and I question her involvement further and further every day--except I'm sure there's a point where it becomes unhealthy to continue speculating rather than just accepting. She facilitated some very serious instances later in my life. But in early childhood, she did things that made me uncomfortable with my body around both her and my father--he wanted nothing to do with her antics; in fact, he was very embarrassed and shy around sexual topics with me. I felt uncomfortable with physical contact with either of them for a long time. Even now I feel weird hugging my dad. It's so sad and so wrong.

There was an interview of a woman who talked about how her mother took the position of a "vicarious" predator, one who abused her through the actions of others. My mother, in her own way and by her own motivations, was that kind of predator. I find it difficult to tackle one piece of this at a time--the acceptance of it, how to approach this topic with others, my attachment to her and so-on. My brain is a scrambled egg.

Hello, all.

It's been five years since I joined this community and I can certainly say maturity is a blessing. Wow.

I'm holding myself accountable now in an effort to finally work through what I've been avoiding for 2+ years. I mentioned it briefly on here before in January, but now it's come back to rear its ugly head at me once again. So, even if I feel like I should forget about writing my feelings or pretend nothing ever happened, I'm going to write here until I come to one or many resolutions.

I was forced to reopen and unravel my entire life including the last few years of adulthood due to some unexpected circumstances that would be hard to explain. It was one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do in a relationship--I thought for sure my boyfriend would leave me, but he held strong and handled it with grace. However, it affected me deeply in ways I did NOT see coming at all.

When I was 12, a criminal case was opened against three perpetrators. All I remember was everything I had being seized as evidence, being interviewed by detectives, and receiving a teddy bear after I got done with questioning. I realize now how much of it I blocked from my memory--but I remember my mother once telling me they were convicted or caught or something at least. A small part of me held onto that hope for the last nine years. Well, it seems that may have not been the case. I've read the police report but after it got transferred to the DA's hands, the trail stops. Meaning it's likely no justice was served. Now, I have so many feelings about so many things I can't even locate them all. Intimacy with my boyfriend has been frequently unsuccessful--I have to keep abandoning the act altogether--because of my discomfort and fear. It's so sad to me that again, the one person who wants nothing but my safety and happiness, is being pushed away.

So, in order to try working through it, for the first time, in detail, I've discussed the extensive history of my sexual abuse to my partner. Who, THIS TIME, I am completely sure I can trust. But the worst part of all of this is I don't understand the triggers now. I don't understand anything about this. The wound feels fresh like it just happened yesterday. I've been sad, reclusive, pessimistic, really angry, and I couldn't tell you what else. But it's a lot. It almost also feels like I'm in some kind of mourning? I feel like I'm getting attacked at every angle. Everything is reminding me of something to do with my hometown which brings me right back to the same group of thoughts and memories or different one I thought I'd forgotten reappears. It's like I'm constantly making connections to that time period now. Has anyone ever experienced that? A song, a familiar looking person, the way the air feels around you, a smell, and it's just brings you back to the same spot? Constantly? Kind of like a loop.

I saw a girl at work that looked like someone I went to middle school with and somehow it eventually brought me to tears. What the??

I also feel guilty for not being happy when I can't tell my dad about why I might be in a sour mood. I just get snappy and want to be left alone. Or just generally. I feel normal, but not normal at all. Functioning, but not functioning. Depressed, but managing. It's so odd. Motivation is hanging on by a thread--everything I do is done with will-power and the determination to stay on top of my health.

My biggest concern is also whether I'm holding on to these feelings and not moving on the way I should be. Am I holding on or am I just healing? We'll see, I guess.

Anyway, if there are any readers, I wish you all a happy Halloween if you celebrate at all. Until tomorrow, friends.

Pete!! Welcome!!

Like the others, I'd like to say you are not alone in having turbulent relationships that come and go. There are so many things that factor into why that may be for many of us, hence the "complex" in complex-ptsd! I'm sorry to hear that you're going through a rough patch right now. Hopefully through one or all of the outlets available to you here, you can find solace and support in this community. But don't give up on love! You deserve it!

I'd also like to say thank you very much for your service both in the military and as a surgeon, those two jobs are not easy and extremely admirable.

Papa Coco,

No one deserves to feel like this. Things we can't control are terrifying, like the unknown. Especially if you are feeling vulnerable.

I kind of understand what you're going through in a way. I've noticed that when I feel like I'm doing well mentally I try to control other aspects of my life and get scared or agitated over whether or not it goes my way. It's definitely a constant battle.

Sending love & safety your way.

My deepest apologies for not replying until now. Life truly is a whirlwind and I'm one of the most inconsistent people on this website, I feel like I just dumped my feelings and left. But I'm discovering that I kind of just distract myself with work, school, or social media until my feelings catch up to me and I have to actually acknowledge them.

You all are completely right. Chart, you're so kind. Your encouragement means a lot even now. Papa Coco, if you end up seeing this, I'd love to read whatever you're reading. I'm tired of holding on or not working through whatever it is I feel and going through the cycle of having to feel everything all over again once it inevitably pops up in my life. And to Kizzie and Armee, thank you for helping me to feel a bit more normal about it.

I never sent the letter, yet I almost daily consider it. It's come to my attention that one of the legal cases involving a couple of perpetrators (I'm looking back on my life and realizing how many there actually were) may have gone completely unresolved despite someone telling me there was some kind of justice served previously. It's made me feel a sense of injustice for every event that transpired over the years as NONE of those who participated in my abuse or grooming ever got caught or put away, including my mother--she nearly faced charges herself and I've now accepted she's also a predator. I know that rarely happens, and no amount of "justice" will ever really fix it. I'm just left here realizing how much of my life was taken away from me because of how dark and endless it was. The wound feels so fresh now. I'm exhausted every day. Intimacy is a complete no-go. Motivation is low.

How did it take up so much of my life and I couldn't even tell? I'm so blessed to be in a position where I have opportunities and normalcy but that's where it makes itself more apparent to me and those I love. I'm so sorry to anyone else who has had to experience this because the worst part is barely understanding it. The triggers feel new, the pain feels fresh. I don't even know where to begin. There were so many memories I blocked out that have unraveled in front of me.

I can still smile and laugh a bit though which I appreciate. I didn't know if I should've started a new thread so I just replied to this one. I hope you all have been doing well and are feeling optimistic going forward with the holidays coming. Thank you again for your responses, I promised they didn't go unread.

It's taken years to fully accept it since it was so normalized for me, but I am a survivor of CSA. Starting as young as 5 or 6 I believe, continuing well into my teen years and early 20s.

I'd been doing pretty good for a while, occasionally intrusive thoughts or images might make appearances, but nothing too serious. I had severe flashbacks over one incident when I was 18 but through therapy that's dissipated and feels a lot less uncomfortable. Now, having started a healthier and loving relationship, I'm having so many memories coming back to me. My partner mentioned something about someone I once knew--I won't disclose what it was--and it sent me into a full body event. I couldn't even open my eyes for ten minutes and by the end of it my body had been so tense it hurt so bad like I was completely locked on. I tried CBT but he had to talk me down from it. Luckily I don't feel any shame with him, he's very compassionate, and I've been very open about almost everything. And (unfortunately) he is experienced with PTSD so he's someone I can trust to help me if God forbid that happens again.

But I just don't understand why. Why now? Why, when things are going so well with this person am I having to deal with this? Am I just really good at disassociating or bottling things up without facing it and now I have no choice?? I wrote a letter to my mother who I am now NC with and that may have something to do with it, but everything feels triggering right now. And the worst part is it creates fear or paranoia and skews my reality with people close to me sometimes too.

Darkhorse, absolutely no child should have to face that kind of treatment from their parent. That is incredibly harmful and I'm so sorry you had to live that way. Not to assume, but she sounds like a very insecure and miserable human being, alongside crazy and cruel. And shame on your father for not sticking up for you.
Like Kizzie said, it's fantastic you recognize it for what it is. A lot of times it takes years to define that kind of behavior as atypical of someone who actually loves you. You were a good kid, you were normal, and you should have felt loved and protected.
I'm glad you're still here with us

Thanks for the welcome and nice comments Dark.art.girl, I'm also sorry you've struggled with this and that you were compared that way.     

So do you think you've managed to move past all the self questioning for the most part?  I doubt we can ever completely not question ourselves but it would be nice not to do it every time someone questions or challenges us.

That's interesting about social cues, I don't know if I miss them, not sure if this is CPTSD but I do find it difficult to listen to people who talk and their words make no real sense!! They seem to be in high management positions in the working world.  I find that very triggering.

You're so so welcome and no worries at all!

I agree that I don't think it'll ever completely go away, but I noticed that putting a lot of effort toward reminding myself that I have good memory, I'm smart, I know what's good for me, etc. really helps in the moment I know sometimes it takes time to analyze someone's words and actions especially if it makes us question ourselves, but at the end of the day we know ourselves better than anyone. Definitely a lesson I'm still trying to learn daily, though lol

Peter Rabbit, thank you so much for sharing your introduction. Welcome!!!

I'm sure a lot of us can relate to that feeling of being out of place, or as you put it, the trouble causer. I was always compared and always the one who didn't do something right. I realize now that it's from the parenting I got or the lack thereof. That totally unlocked a lot a memories for me from my childhood, and you're right: that causes so much damage. Gaslighting is by far the most damaging out of any mental/emotional abuse out there. The effects are insurmountable, especially on a young child. The biggest issue I've faced from that personally, like yourself, is always questioning myself on everything. Even trusting my gut instinct, which is dangerous at times. But it IS possible to keep learning and move past it

I'm sorry to hear about the problems you face with relationships, but I completely understand. You're not alone! Just keep in mind, it doesn't make you any less lovable.

Edit: I also wanted to mention, the whole reason I came across this forum in the first place is because of my inability to read social cues and behaviors at times which I had mistaken for autism. I then discovered CPTSD, and everything made sense. I also then discovered I read people better than I think lol so you're not out of place at all! It all comes back to the way we've been treated and what we learned in our environment. I'm so glad you've joined us and I'd love to hear more about your experiences if/when you'd like to share!!!

Darkhorse, I know I'm a little late to the party here but I'll post anyway

First of all, welcome welcome welcome. This community is full of support and understanding, and I hope you find peace here. I believe you're where you're supposed to be!

Your concerns about trust with others in making new connections is completely valid. I totally understand. I come from a lot of instability in my upbringing, and a lot of betrayal from familial, romantic, and platonic relationships. Honestly, I don't trust anyone unless they give me a good reason to. But at the end of the day, it's what protects us from getting hurt again. And if you have close friends that you trust and who love you, I think that's all that matters.

Personally, I don't look at it as being on the outside even if that's how it feels. I look at it as a blessing sometimes, because there are a lot of unreliable people out there. And from personal experience, people who have struggled with what we struggled with will attract people similar to those who have hurt us already. Now, can we be open to new connections? Of course! But there's absolutely no shame in being careful. Give yourself that grace, because you deserve it! It's not a you problem. All of us do our best to get through life the best we can, and you're doing that. Also, now you have a lot of people here who can relate to you and support you through this. Don't ever be afraid to reach out, we're here for ya!

Much love from the US! Stay warm out there.