Messages

Hi there. Yuck. Sorry to hear of this - I can imagine the feeling of pressure. First soothe that? You are free to choose what is right for you, and can maintain your own safety.

In case it helps, I handled a funeral by going to the service, but not the wake. My Dad (NC) asked me for a hug in front of the whole congregation. I just smiled kindly and patted his arm and walked away. I left after the burial.

Apparently he told lots of people how terribly I treated him.

It wasn't easy, but it felt good to pay my respects and maintain my boundary.

I love this forum.

Thanks, all. I totally agree with all of the above. Sometimes I nearly get convinced (again) that I should try to help or explain myself, but the answer is always the same.

I really do want to be respectful & loving because I really like everyone else, but it might well have to be from more of a distance.

Thanks, everyone. I was wobbling back into some old patterns for a minute there. Will check out the letters too.

I am so tired of being triggered

It's low level, but I am really exhausted with trying to be the bigger person. Sometimes, I feel so angry I just want to let people have it.

My brother in law is coercive. It's my partner's family and they have a culture of not talking about anything. I think my sister in law is really hoodwinked. He really shouted my partner down on her own mother's health. When she tried to walk away he grabbed her by her arms and has reframed it as a hug. No apology - of course.

I don't understand why the rest of the family are continuing to try to make nice with him - apart from well worn codependency. It's totally unacceptable. The downplaying of things makes me feel furious and unsafe. I don't understand why people play this stuff out. It's so clearly abusive in his case.

The more they drop little comments about how 'nice' he is the more worried I am. Why the constant charm offensive?

Any tips? I have gone NC with people in the past when my boundaries have been repeatedly broken, but that doesn't feel like a healthy response here. My body is pretty loud about getting as far away from him as possible.

I need to observe a mourning period before I can address this directly - if that is the right thing to do.

I feel unsure and frustrated! All wisdom welcome, lovely folk.

Hi there

I wonder if you are not putting a lot of pressure on yourself to know all the answers?

What if you went along to the event just to speculate? See if you resonate with anyone? No pressure for a particular outcome.

I've never had a partner who didn't have their own set of personal issues to deal with - I think that's part of being human!

I have also worried about what I 'bring' - I sympathise. However, it's much more nuanced really - it's about what we generate together with others in relationship too.

Thanks everyone. One last update on this thread: TW for domestic violence.

Today I spent an hour in therapy processing watching my mum get strangled. My partner is very low on patience with me atm, which is understandable because I am so hypervigilant.

It means so very much to have this space to post to. I feel a bit less alone

Hello there

I'm pretty new too. Here we are. Seems great.

Totally relate. When i first went to therapy I was totally numb. It took a little while to get a tear out. I am so pleased for your progress.

Also, I'm curious about 'traumas are mild'. I have only just realised (over 10 years of therapy) that telling myself that has been a way of still taking cate of others before myself. I don't know if the scale helps, I guess? I wonder if it just adds to our judgement of ourselves. But whatever, that part of you just needs love & kindness, right? You'll get loads of kindest on here I suspect

Best of luck with your healing

Thanks, Kizzie. I feel so determined to get well. I am also deep in actively working on healing trauma at the moment, so I have zero headspace to deal with unhealthy relationship dynamics. I feel a little uncharitable, but nobody else is going to get better for me. Thanks for the solidarity 

Thanks so much. Your message has really validated how I am feeling. My partner just keeps telling me she isn't anything to worry about. I've explained the hypervigilance repeatedly. She isn't very assertive, so I don't think she will do more. She doesn't agree that the behaviour constitutes stalking.

Sadly, i think i'll have to move out. I'm not able to cope at the moment. I've managed it for a year or so, but it's too much now

TW: abuse & stalking

Ok so.

I have C-PTSD from my first 18 years of life. I have been in therapy for over a decade, but only just realised after a recent episode of blind terror for several weeks. I'm told it is a sign of progress... 😒

My partner's ex is obsessed with her. She messages her after being asked not to, and continues to volunteer with her company. I tried to negotiate my own boundary with her directly last year, but she just kicked off. She was monitoring my social media so I've deleted that.

Now she is doing it much less (but still present). She does it always as just being nice which makes it hard to challenge. My partner ignores her.

The problem is it has been going on for a year, and so now has become a trigger. She reminds me very much of my parents & doesn't seem to understand no. Tonight i had a panic attack after her latest attempt.

My partner is unwilling to do more. I imagine she thinks it would make it worse, but I am so triggered. How the * do i manage this fear? I can't stay with my partner & get away from this woman.

All advice welcome

Hey there. I'm new to the board, but just found this old post. How are you doing now? We have a similar starting point.

Thank you for your care everyone. Was nervous about posting, and this has already made it feel worthwhile...

Hi there all

Glad to have found you. I am just stabilising after a third depressive episode. Finally realised i'm not just a bit depressed or anxious sometimes. I have C-PTSD. I'm working on accepting that.

I've been in therapy for over 10 years. I can tell you all the reasons I am the way I am, but I still haven't processed the trauma of the first 18 years of my life... a catalogue of small to large abuses at the hands of most of the adults who were supposed to be my caretakers.

Mostly, I am exhausted. Tired of feeling ashamed & broken. Tired of the gloom & fear. I want to be determined to heal, but I'm not. I just feel burnt out.

So, I guess I am here looking for hope.

Sending healing wishes to you all.