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Bluepalm I am so sorry you had to live through such a horrific childhood. To have two such destructive parents is really awful. I very much second what notalone said!  They were wrong - and in your poem you hit the nail on the head - they were full of hate.  Isn't it amazing how words from so long ago can have such life and presence in the now.
I hope you will find the peace, acceptance, and knowledge of your worth and beauty here from us and inside yourself.
Thank you for the vulnerability to share such a vivid poem and memory.

So I can't upload Treehouse as it's FAR too large for attachment limits, but here are the lyrics...

June 26,1992         The Treehouse

 
So many years ago you stayed up high
In a treehouse where no one came
It kept you safe from the world outside
Where all you knew were pain shame and rage

CHORUS
But little girl don't you know
I've come to take you home
So tell me your secrets and I'll hold you close
Then hand in hand we'll walk into the sun
So climb down now it's safe to come out and play
Oh yes, little girl, it's safe to come out and play

All those years you sat there afraid and alone
Never knowing the world outside
Not knowing that changes had come to that world
That there was laughter and playing and fun

CHORUS

Then one day I came back and there you still were
Hiding your secrets, even from me
And I sat there and asked you to talk to me
To let me love you and tell you the truth

CHORUS (use and, and last line chords Am, D, G)

So slowly you trusted, slowly we learned
To separate truth from lies
That fears and doubts belonged to the past
And now was for joyful loving and fun

CHORUS (as third time)
So please come out and play with me

Hi Kizzie.  It said it was loading then disappeared so I thought that was because it had to be approved.

And thank you for that clarification on posts around my faith.  Perhaps I misunderstood or misread the instructions. Good to know that is ok. I recognize the pain that faith and religion have and continue to cause many so want to be sensitive to that.

I'll try to repost the song tonight.

Something else I wanted to add. Thank you Armadillo for advocating and standing up for your son and getting him help. That is not an easy thing to do especially when dealing with your own trauma.

And thank you for being one to break the generational cycle of trauma as well!  That's huge. I hope if nothing else you can see what big pieces those are in your story that you've shared so far.

Wow Armadillo that is a LOT to process and try to live with.  I am so sorry you have held all this pain alone for so long.  Very glad that you're able to start sharing some of it here with us.   We can hold space for you here so you can share at your own pace and as you say, stay within your window of tolerance.

As to words having power, I can relate to that.  I was both emotionally and physically abused (apart from the RA) and I would 100% rather be physically assaulted than emotionally assaulted.  The emotional wounds are so deep and pervasive and no one can see them.  At least broken bones heal with time and are visible evidence of the damage done.  I am glad you are able to acknowledge the power that words have and my biggest hope for you is that you find ways to make words work as tools of healing power.

As someone who was also raised by a mentally ill mother who was undiagnosed (certainly BPD ++) and made me the parent long before I was able to be I can relate to how deep this fear and damage runs. The 'if only's' drove me for a VERY long time and that line from The Wall really speaks to me "Momma put all her fears into you", as does the song "Because of You", especially the line "and now I cry for the same **** things".

My mother has been gone now for over 10 years and I cannot tell you the relief I felt when she died (and the underlying low-grade guilt for being relieved).  To this day she is the most prolific negative voice in my head, but at least her voice is getting much weaker.

I applaud your courage in speaking out here and hope that this is cathartic for you.  I'm so glad you have a good support with your T.  Very much looking forward to witnessing your healing journey.

Sitting with you - with your permission - in your fears and holding space for you to process in whatever way helps you the most.

Eidolon I have been in what I think you mean by Acute Care.  Inpatient full time with mandatory group and one on one work?  If that is what you mean, I have done that more than once, and have had both great and really bad experiences with it, mostly due to where I was at in my journey and the knowledge level of the staff.
It sounds as though overall you are in a good environment with good supports so that makes me glad for you!  It also sounds as though you have a huge amount of willingness and courage to do what is needed to heal - that's so important.  Sending you strength and perseverance when things seem extra tough.  I'm glad they are combining the medication with inner work, as often one alone isn't enough.  Hope they will find the right combination of medications that will help support your journey. 
So happy to hear you were able to cry!  That's a big win, and tough to be vulnerable to that extent. 
Hope to hear that things are still improving slowly and they can coordinate a plan that will address your trauma as a whole, not as an array of symptoms to be treated.

Hang in we are here for you.

Armadillo I created a new thread in Music called Treehouse.  I think it has to be moderator approved first as it's an attachment...  Most of my other poetry and music is inappropriate for this setting as it has a deep faith base.  Despite my RA background I did find faith a very large part of my healing journey, and that is reflected in my poetry and songs.

Kizzie that is a wonderful song!!  It could almost be the theme song for OOTS.  Thank you so much for sharing it.

Armadillo I actually wrote a song about finding her and bringing her home.  It's called Treehouse.  Just not sure how to post a song on here...  I'll figure it out even if all I post is the lyrics.'

notalone thank you.  Sometimes I don't read it for a long time then look at it and am still surprised I had that creativity in me.

Thank you for starting this thread!!  One of the things I am often asked is would I wish that what happened to me didn't happen, and I have to say yes and no.  Yes because absolutely no one should experience trauma, but no because I don't know if I would be the person I am without the trials that trauma put me through and the things it has taught me - although I have to admit an undetectable underground fort is not in my took kit but I sure wish it was!!  I hope you do share that story sometime Bermuda.

Jazzy that was so well put!  Thank you for that.  I can so relate.

I am going to come back to this thread often :-)

Started with a new T recently.  Have been trying to get some support for a couple of years now, and Covid made it worse.  Got very discouraged and frustrated but I have long ago learned I can't give up on self-advocacy, and it finally has paid off.  After only two sessions (and phone sessions at that), I know things are shifting and I'm back on the path of healing again. Another layer of the onion is coming off.  How do I know?  Because I'm so uncomfortable - increased hypervigilance, worse nightmares, and an overwhelming tiredness and sadness.  I have learned that to heal, I have to be willing to make myself very uncomfortable.  I have to be willing to CHOOSE to hurt, CHOOSE to feel things I would much rather not feel and experience.  I have enough experience to know that on the other side is a healthier, happier, freer life.  But....  Right now I'm tired.  I know that every time I push through my fears and push back against my programming there is payback.  Usually increased dissociation, greatly increased anxiety, nightmares, etc.  So I know that the worse I feel the more that means the work I'm doing is good work, and that the payoff in the long run is worth it.  But knowing that and living in and through it is different.  Knowing that doesn't make it any easier to not cave in to those icky and uncomfortable feelings and not follow through with the work to get better.  Covid and having moved away from a very strong support system a few years ago also does not make it easier.  When I wake from a nightmare at 3 AM and the world feels like a lonely place and my anxiety is high, it is sometimes hard to hold on to the knowledge that this is actually a good thing and an indication that I am being successful in working through another piece of my puzzle of me.  And I'm tired.  Bone tired of 30 years of this - and yes, am I a totally different, happier, mostly integrated and pretty much functional me?  Absolutely!!!  Has it been worth it?  Oh, my goodness yes, a thousand times yes!!!  Do I look forward to even more work because somewhere inside me there is a determination and drive to always look for more layers to work on and to become the most whole, healthy, happy me that I can be?  Not in a million years, but it doesn't stop the drive or determination.  Guess today is both a low spot and a spot for celebration.  Low because I can see what is ahead of me, and I know it takes a lot of guts, work, and energy to get where I want to go.  Spot for celebration because I CAN see it, and because I finally have found someone to help with that gentle guidance and support to help me get where I want to go.  And also celebration for believing I am worth not giving up on, no matter what.

Little Girl Lost, who are you?
Little Girl Lost, where are you?
You live inside my heart yet I know you not.
You are a mystery to me.
Many strings unravelling the
Tangled web of all you are.
Child-woman, alive and dead;
You alone hold the key to
The completeness of who I am.
The prison bars enclosed and bound.
Keep Out!  Danger!  The signs all warn
The dangers lie ahead.
Undiscovered.  Disbelieved;
Unimagined pain.
Unthinkable torture.
No wonder you are Little Girl Lost.

Sorry posted in wrong thread. Copying here...
Oh I'm so happy to find this thread!!  I too love gardening, though I am MUCH downsized from my 150'X150' veggie/herb garden I had at one time.  Now I have a tiny little garden with some basic veggies I can freeze or can (what I don't graze my way through!! ). And flowers I tried planting some very old seeds to use up and not surprisingly few germinated but we will see what I can do with those.

Blueberry so love your 'weeds' that you eat!!  My grandmother used to say that a weed was only a plant growing where you didn't want it to grow so I don't think of a lot as weeds and so happy to find someone else that grows and eats non-traditional plants
Hope you're still on here Blueberry and that your 'weeds' are growing well this year!

Ohhh this is another great thread :-)

Reading has always been a go-to soother and I had forgotten some of my favorites like Laura Ingalls books (and the one she or her daughter wrote years later about her living to see cars and the telephone come to be), James Herriots books and one author that I loved and was wonderful escapism for me - Gerald Durrell. He wrote a ton of books about his adventures going and finding animals for zoos (which I wasn't too keen on) but then his movement toward a focus on conservation of species - and I found him funny. Read most of them as a kid then forgot...  hmmm where to start now??

Always the cheezy romances when I'm super stressed and need total escapism.

All these ideas put a smile on my face and now I'm gonna go pick up my kobo and see what I can find!!

Oh I'm so happy to find this thread!!  I too love gardening, though I am MUCH downsized from my 150'X150' veggie/herb garden I had at one time.  Now I have a tiny little garden with some basic veggies I can freeze or can (what I don't graze my way through!! ). And flowers I tried planting some very old seeds to use up and not surprisingly few germinated but we will see what I can do with those.

Blueberry so love your 'weeds' that you eat!!  My grandmother used to say that a weed was only a plant growing where you didn't want it to grow so I don't think of a lot as weeds and so happy to find someone else that grows and eats non-traditional plants
Hope you're still on here Blueberry and that your 'weeds' are growing well this year!

Wow Armadillo it sounds as though you are well on a healing path already.  Recognizing your dissociation and compartmentalizing, working on accessing all those hidden parts, and letting (as I call it) some of pressure out of the pressure cooker all sound like great progress forward.  I agree with others that the anger was the hardest for me to get through safely.  Due to a whole lot of combining factors I had as a mid-late teen gotten extremely violent and it took a LOT of time to not flip back to that as a knee jerk.
Some things I found helpful was to release all that pent up rage in a safe way. I have used things such as beating a rock with a dead tree limb while steaming or yelling (might not work so well in an urban setting lol), punching bags (with gloves so it doesn't become self punishment beating my hands and feet to ribbons), and vigorous physical exercise because as others have noted that rage comes with a huge adrenalin dump and the best way for the body to burn it off is to use it up in a physical outlet.  Of course, I typically carried it too far at first and turned it into a way to self abuse, but increased self awareness and coming to be gentler and less judgmental of myself cured that.  I don't know if that might work for you but hope all of us can suggest enough that you have some tools prepared.

As to tears that is the one piece I have yet to integrate. I have not yet found the way to access that bottomless well of aching grief without being swallowed by it. It is very encouraging to hear your progress!! Glad for you that you have a great T.

I also so relate to the life on the outside being so 'perfect' and the inside life feeling out of sync with that.

Thanks for sharing and look forward to witnessing more of your journey and growth and learning 😊