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Hi Hope. Thanks for sharing all that. 

It all makes perfect sense and nearly any of us could have written it word for word.

I don't know if it helps. Me and my T went too fast at first. It doesn't work. There are so many issues with going fast but one really big one is you end up triggered or dissociated during therapy itself and that time in therapy spent in those states outside the window of tolerance means effective healing work can't take place. So you are essentially wasting that time. There are many many other reasons to go slow, but that is one. Two years isn't long for trauma and dissociation. I'm going on 5.5 years now. I really hope to be done by the end of this year but realistically it might be another full year. But there's been massive improvement along the way it's not like 2 or 5 or 6 years of not feeling better. So please don't feel bad it's taking awhile. It does. But this is intricate work being done. Reworking how our brain and nervous system functions. Keep going!

I'm sorry it's a difficult patch right now. The coping tools we build don't help much when we are in these flashbacks. May they pass soon.

Oh my goodness NK! That sounds like a very very awful illness. I am so relieved to read you've been to the doctor. Please stay on top of it if it doesn't improve. That sounds scary! 

I know this is not too relevant to your core question of how is it different but I wanted to suggest a couple thoughts...


1. Blueberry answered really well I think about going slow and doing less. I'll add that opening these boxes can be pretty destabilizing that's part of why slow ends up being much much faster. You don't get knocked as far back. You shuffle forward instead of leaping ahead and straight over a cliff. I've learned this lesson the hard way as have pretty much everyone else here. Over and over I've learned this lesson. You'll learn it too and then you'll be able to go "oh yeah...slow is faster."

I also want to gently point out that the ongoing emotional trauma with your mom might be more significant than you are letting yourself realize right now. 

Facing this stuff is difficult and painful and causes a lot of sadness but that's part of moving through it and healing. There's better days ahead. Keep going, slow.

Amazing story Papa C. Also adding into the layers...maternal stress hormones pass thru the umbilical and in an anatomically female fetus all the eggs they will ever carry are formed in utero as well. So the eggs that went on to become MY babies were formed in my mother's womb while my father tried to kill her.

I hope you can keep posting here and there Bert as I'll be in the same boat in less than a month, returning to the workforce with a reputation that proceeds me as a super performer but needing to keep things manageable and "just a job."

If someone new were coming to my team I'd rather they ask me what tasks I could use help with than have someone new try to solve my problems. So kind of like Goslash27 I'd probably avoid trying to save the day too soon and instead try to be mildly helpful. What can I help you with in the short-term while I learn more about what I can do for the team long-term?

It's darling, Sage

Hi there, Chart. I want to reiterate all of what Blueberry said with a big: 

When I first grasped this trauma stuff and cptsd and this forum it was pretty much all consuming. I'd like to say for months but it was more like a few years. Use the forum as you need to and as is healing for you. At some point it might feel like too much and you might even need to take a break from the forum. There's a section for that too rather than just disappearing...a little place to say I need a break. You'll be welcomed back with open arms if you take a break and return. So please know that is ok when you need it. You can leave, come back, leave, come back. You can just write in your own journal. There are no expectations.

You asked for an update from people who have posted before on this thread. I'm still here. I'm doing well most of the time. I had not the very most severe traumas but I can say now...pretty darn bad enough, and a lot of layers of it from in utero (like you, suffering the physical abuse directed at a pregnant mother, and being left for hours to cry) and lasting until age 20 with multiple types of traumas, with some retriggering events in my 40s that unleased the full fury of cPTSD and dissociative disorders.

I am lucky to have great mental health support and a therapist dedicated to seeing this through with me and learning new tools when the existing set doesn't cut it. It's really really important to me to not pass this crap on to my children and to be a wife that my husband deserves, because he is a good person. I work crazy hard at addressing these traumas because I am hugely motivated to be ok. I don't want to be like my parents.

I have the resources and support to do this work. Sometimes I still have quite bad EFs, nightmares, flashbacks, etc. But in between those I am getting better and better. It is a slow process and for periods of time it will feel like you are getting worse not better but keep looking back at where you came from and you WILL see changes and improvement. Slow is fast...go slow. Going fast on this stuff backfires. Read a few pages of a book and put it away and do something soothing when it triggers. It will trigger.

And keep looking back at how far you've come. Even getting knocked down is progress because now you are looking at the things that need to be healed and figuring out the pieces of the puzzle, all toward becoming whole. 2 steps forward, 5 steps back, a couple steps forward, a few steps back, then a giant leap will launch you beyond your starting point.

We'll be here with you.

 

I'm so grateful you survived. I wish the others did too. 

Holding the positive might be like a strainer in the kitchen sink, but this forum can be like the beautifully imperfect ceramic bowl you put under the strainer to catch the good stuff.

  

Me, too. Still with you. We too.

Thanks for saying that. When you share with your T it will be helpful for many, for her to hear that perspective, plus healthy to get some of that anger expressed.

I struggled with some of the same thoughts about the gang rape that was set up to be perpetrated against me after rejecting the advances of an old man. That situation was more a mix of both power and gratification. Getting to take what they want no matter what. But I did have a hard time with the power vs gratification question. It's both, and especially in combination both are horrid things to do to a human and especially a child. I am so so so sorry they used you in that way and harmed you for life. Right now it's a wound. I feel confident that one day with honesty to yourself, compassion for younger you, and open communication with your T and wife that this will become a scar instead of an open wound.  Gentle safe nontouch hugs from a stranger far away. 

Hi Miyagido,

It took me several years of collecting random flashes and pieces of memory and triggers and flashbacks to piece things together. When I did all the random pieces fit together and made perfect sense. I've found thanking the parts of me for sharing, letting them know I can handle what they have to show or tell me, and letting them know they can share more to be a helpful approach, and really like the idea Kizzie shared. But unfortunately once I get these parts' trust and they share with me I get pretty overwhelmed and shut things down for awhile. In my experience it takes quite a long time and that's probably a good thing.