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I had a hard time with aspects. Not the exact as yours with not feeling strong enough but that makes complete sense to me, why in cases of trauma that could be a very difficult and triggering thing. 

For me, it was more being reminded I had a body that was visible to other people, my therapist asking me to "go into your body" or "notice your body" and also feel and being convinced i was physically disgusting and had to keep my distance from people. So different but still similar. Im sorry you are suffering with this but am proud of you that you recognized going into detail would be triggering and not worth it. Good self awareness! 

About your current feelings, I can't say it any better than Blueberry so won't try. Other than to say "let it go" isn't really very easy to do in fact what I think "let it go" means in practice might be more akin to "process it" cause then and only then can something be let go of. Otherwise it stays right where it currently lives in our brains to popoff and haunt us at any moment. But "processing" things can be difficult, long, unclear, and you might be missing pieces you need right now that need to be processed first before whatever this one is can be processed and let go. Like doing a complicated puzzle in the dark and not knowing if you are even missing key pieces. So UGH to the mess cptsd causes in our minds. But please don't feel bad that you can't let it go.

I also wanted to say as I am just now catching up here...I'm sorry for what is happening with your mom and brother. My mom did the same toward the end. It wasn't dementia it was a worsening of her personality disorder coupled with I guess a more immature ability to hide her lies? They just became almost comically but heartbreakingly and maddeningly clear what she was doing. Like a 3 yr old lying about eating chocolate while hands are covered in chocolate.

When my mom was nearing that stage she really turned on me and any kind thing I tried to do she dragged me through the mud over. What really helped me while going through that was having my sister and aunts witness it and let me know they see it. Because even if we know they are crazy we can start to doubt ourselves under that onslaught. So just be there and be a truth teller for your brother. It doesn't have to be directed to your mom, just let him know you see and it's crazy and you are sorry. One day it will be over. Sometimes one day can't hardly come soon enough. 

Sounds like an EF to me and I can't let those go either, not at the drop of a hat. I find they suddenly go on their own. You are not your mother or like her. Sending care and compassion, Bach

 

Requesting access, feeling very paranoid lately. Is that ok to say? Idk, perfectionism. Thanks in advance : )

Extreme paranoia on my part is what started that section. 

Oh man isnt that all the truth! Not having any access or knowledge of the feelings till some present moment thing triggers the past and bam! I've found that what they call "corrective experiences" when these triggers set off really help resolve the feelings as your T was saying. I understand we are supposed to be able to create these corrective feelings ourselves by having our adult take care of our littles. I'm not sure I've ever had luck with that approach fully yet, but when they have been intuitively offered by others in the present it has been extremely effective, and if that trigger is met with the same reaction as the past it really digs in as an EF for months. Just rambling. Sorry about that.

Please do not feel "bad" about needing to stay in therapy longer. CPTSD takes a long time. We could mostly manage as we did before on our own and appear fine but it's not really fine and this processing is something that is challenging to impossible to do alone if you are at the level of injury common with CPTSD. I've been 7.5 yrs straight no less than 1.5 hrs per week often with additional time or sessions or adjunct therapies. We could ignore the symptoms and let them rule us but you are choosing to dig in and attempt to change or feel better. That's really cool.

Art...I dont blame you for not wanting to return after your teacher flaked/ghosted on you. At the same time if it really was something you loved doing and there isn't a satisfying alternate and you dont mind going back it would be reasonable to try again and see how you feel being there.

But I wonder if there are other local artists you can gather with and trade techniques too. Either way you DO have a gift and I hope you keep posting your pieces here as I love seeing them.

 

Just catching back up.

 

Many mental health professionals have not healed their stuff. I wonder if you could begin that journey and obtain therapy as you go? Significant healing for betrayals like you experienced take so long, but there's no need to put everything off till you meet that finish line. Maybe even the school you go to will have free therapy?

Hi welcome, She.

Understanding what you are dealing with is a very helpful starting point, and recognizing it's been a long time - likely your whole life - is very powerful. There are a lot of ups and downs on this path. You'll find a lot of wisdom on this site and support as you navigate healing. It's not a quick fix but you can feel so much better. It takes a lot of time though. For me, I started therapy at 40. It's been 7 years. I still have a lot of symptoms but 98% of the time I feel really really good and stable and at peace. Before I started therapy and healing it was maybe 0.5% of the time. Before though I didn't recognize how bad I felt, because like you and many others here, it had been my whole life like this so it felt like normal. Once you start to experience feeling different...really really pay attention to what that feels like. At first maybe it's literally only two minutes a day that you have that feeling, but that is going to grow over time.

And then there's the roller coaster. At some point you'll feel ecstatic and like you've figured this CPTSD thing out and are good to go. And then comes another trigger out of the blue and you feel worse than ever. You slide way back. This is normal. But you'll work through that set back and take another leap forward and you will be a little bit further ahead of when you slid backward. That is going to be a pattern. It'll sometimes feel like no progress is being made, but it is happening. Most of us find healing isn't 100% complete. We might always have symptoms of CPTSD but that doesn't mean we can't feel better most of the time. For whatever brought you here. I am sorry for what you've been through, but I'm glad you and all the other new members are here and have found a source of support and information. 

 

I could have written this except I'm not nearly as eloquent as you. That pull between knowing but not knowing is very painful.

 

Be well, Cactus Flower

My experience is similar to Kizzie...once I am able to figure out what the trigger was then it becomes easier to make sense of, notice, and control. It took me about 5 years of pretty active work just on dissociation to feel like I mostly have it under control.

Sometimes the triggers can be quite sneaky. For me once I was reading a totally boring news article about the markets or something and all the sudden I dissociated hard. Once I came out of it I re-read the article to see if I could figure out what had happened because I wasn't aware of thinking of anything triggering.

There was one word in the article used in a totally benign context but that is a trigger word for me. I hadn't consciously noticed it or associated the word with trauma it just can happen all on its own whims.

Good luck. It'll get better, a little bit at a time. 

 

Its common. Usually because of how we were treated as kids. This is a huge theme for me too, and very stubborn,  especially around CSA and often perpetrators or abusers will instill these fears in their victims. 

I agree with NarcKiddo,
Keeping talking in therapy including sharing the repercussions of sharing. Overtime it softens.

Somewhere on that website there's probably a place to provide feedback. I'm sure they are open to improving.

It doesn't get at everything you mention but California developed a version for children and teens for screening for in pediatricians' offices. This includes community violence and discrimination. This seems to be in wide use. ␐https://www.acesaware.org/pdf_wrapper/pearls-tool-teen-self-report-identified-english/

And apologies because it seems to not be possible to share the direct link. Navigate to the screening tools page --> English--> PEARLS (their modified screening for children and teens that includes 10 extra questions)

For some reason they didn't change the adult version to have these community based violence and discrimination questions.

For anyone interested California has all their ACE screening tools here: https://www.acesaware.org/learn-about-screening/screening-tools/screening-tools-additional-languages/

There's a big initiative that was run by our former (and first) state surgeon general Nadine Burke Harris to screening every child and provide resources to children and parents with ACE score greater than 4.

I'm sorry. It's really hard to get through those periods of time. I'm really proud of you for keeping on trying the exercises. 

I do unfortunately relate. Luckily it happens less often now than it used to and lasts for less time.

Keep on practicing the things that seem to help a little. Keep on processing with your therapist. It's a slow process. It isn't that you aren't doing something right or aren't doing it enough. It just takes time and lots of practice to settle the whole system down.

Finding ways to really remind yourself and feel safe is super helpful to really truly orient you to the present. Identifying that what you are feeling is from the past has been really helpful for me.

I've also had a lot of luck recently doing neurofeedback focused on the vagus nerve. It's helped me feel safer and calmer and has helped me be able to breathe and calm down. I haven't tried the various exercises designed to activate the vagus nerve at home but you can do some searches for those and see if any seem to make a difference. It's probably the best thing I've found in 7 years of trying things.

Keep on hanging in there. It can get better, just not quickly. Truly just keep reminding yourself the difference between the past and present. Logically you know, but there are parts in there that are still reacting like you are still living in trauma.

I hope you feel better tomorrow.