Menu

Show posts

This section allows you to view all posts made by this member. Note that you can only see posts made in areas you currently have access to.

Show posts Menu

Messages - rlg6859

#1
Ideas/Tools for Recovery / Re: Yoga
April 27, 2019, 12:40:59 AM
I began to do yoga frequently months ago to simply do something physical. I had practiced when I was a teen shortly after many years of various traumas. Because I've lost large segments of memories from my childhood and teen years, I don't remember actually doing it, but I know I did it often and that I thought it helped me. Perhaps that is why I was drawn to it. I use YouTube to do it and randomly got exposed to yin yoga. Because of the main part of the body that is worked in yin yoga is the hips (where it is believed a lot of emotion can be stored physically), I began to notice feelings being brought up that I repressed. It helped me connect back to my body and allowed me to take back what a sexual trauma took from me. Through this process I found more yin practices and even some that focus on emotional release and shadow work. Those can be kind of intense. A therapist told me she has heard stories of people crying through the poses, and that is part of the healing from it. I have cried through it but it's fine for me. It may not be the best option for others. I literally crave it now along with other types of yoga. It can be difficult emotionally and physically but it's taught me to be present and grounded in my body as well as accepting of what I can and cannot do. It taught me more patience and pride when I can do the poses I couldn't do a couple months ago. It's worth it if you feel you are in the right spot to do it.
#2
Therapy / Re: EMDR
May 14, 2016, 01:09:00 PM
Just a quick update. I went to the consultation this week, and all went well.  I was impressed with the therapy center's aesthetics.  It was very homey and did not have that sterile, doctor's office feel that many places I have gone to have a tendency to have.

The therapist and I hit it off well.  She wants me to go back one more time before starting the EMDR.  She stated she likes to know her patient more before starting so she can gauge how I am feeling after each EMDR session better...to know she is not sending me home in a bad state.  She says we will make a list of whatever traumatic events or triggers I can think of and rate them 1 to 10.  Then, we will start at a 5.  She wants to see me weekly starting off and then it taper off to every two weeks and so on.  A nice surprise is that she does not wanting me to pay full price because she wants me in every week for a bit.  Instead of paying 120/130 a session, I am paying 75.
#3
Therapy / EMDR
May 05, 2016, 02:13:09 AM
After talking to an e-therapist for the last few months, we both agreed I would be a good candidate for EMDR.  I've actually seen much progress since being validated at the start of this therapy about my childhood trauma and how it affects my present life. I just feel I need something a bit more progressive. I feel like I was lost for 22 years with a slight idea of why I am the way I am but no course of action.  Simple learning about CPTSD has helped me tremendously.  I honestly think that's when a light bulb went off in me and recovery was activated.  I've been in and out of therapy and on and off meds several times, and I never felt like I was recovering because it was always addressing depression instead of my inner child.  Granted, there are times I feel anguished about this struggle.  Knowing there is a problem and accepting it are two different things.  Accepting this mental illness is the biggest gift I can give to myself because that is where the healing begins.  Whenever I feel anguish about my mental condition, I tell myself this is growing pain.  I have progressed.  Other people have noticed a change in me.  I attribute this to Christ empowering me to do the work to heal.

Back to the main issue,  I am getting a consultation for EMDR next week.  I've been blessed with some extra funds which I am investing into myself.  This therapy will be paid all out of pocket.  It's ironic that this money stems from the first event in my childhood  that begun the 10 years of trauma.  I'm breaking the cycle while life comes around full circle in the most bewildering way.  I will post more about my experience here in the following months.
#4
Frustrated? Set Backs? / What's on the other side?
April 12, 2016, 12:31:18 AM
As I go through this journey of good days where the past is barely a whisper in my ear to today when I can hear the child inside me whimpering and aching, I realize what terrifies me is that I do not know what lies for me on the other side of recovery.  I don't know how deeply I can transform myself and consequently, my life.  Depression has been my major symptom with CTPSD, and I sometimes cling to it because it is has been my most steadfast partner for 20 odd years.  It is what I know will be.  It is what was there through all the grief and abandonment.  It never left me while people I loved did.  I don't know how I will live without it, yet there are things I crave more in this life than the stifling reassurance that I am ill...some days more ill than other days.  It holds me back and keeps others out of my life due to my own insecurities and my lack of expressing myself productively in interpersonal settings.

I was doing alright for a while, but a new relationship is making me face so many things about myself since I am now aware and mindful about how my childhood affects my relationships with men.  I do not know how to communicate with them.  Assertiveness is something I barely grasp.  When he babies me, I panic because I don't remember ever being treated like a princess.  I was never special.  This all feels like a setback, but at least now I can talk to my therapist about navigating my relationship healthily and learn the skills I never did growing up.

I had a dream where the wind was pushing so much rain through an open window.  Yet, in the way dreams are strange and give hints to our subconscious, I knew and felt the rain was my internal crying.  I closed it and woke up in my lover's arms.  That dream made me realize how much there is this crying going on inside of me, but also showed me that I can control it.  Oh I feel there is so much terrifying hope in my life, but so much sadness.  It's like "every silver lining has a touch of grey."
#5
Therapy / Re: How about Hypnosis
April 11, 2016, 11:54:09 PM
I know this thread is about a year old, but I am strongly leaning more towards hypnotherapy rather than neurofeedback in the very near future.  I found information on a credible therapist who offers introductory prices through Groupon.  This seems more cost efficient to me.  I will post again once I go for a consultation and the type of hypnotherapy I will receive is established.
#6
Dating; Marriage/Divorce; In-Laws / Re: Dating
February 27, 2016, 05:22:18 PM
Thank you for sharing this, Chira.

I literally bursted in tears reading this, and that's ok.  I can fully relate to what you posted.  In a bout of frustration with my counselor and a deep depression, I joined Tinder because I missed male attention.  I actually did go out on a date with a guy in a proper, public place and had a great time.  He was respectful and interesting.  Yet, soon after this he called me to tell me he was going to jail for really old bench warrant.  Then, when he got out, he called to tell me that his dad broke both his legs in a car accident and had to go states away to help him.  I don't think he was lying to me about this stuff.  In my experience, guys will usually just not talk to you, if they are not interested.  I was impressed that he was decent enough to tell me why he would not be available.  Still, my problem with easily catching feelings for men got me, and all this did affect me emotionally more than probably the average person.  Sometimes I feel like I'm still a 13 year old girl when it comes with dating, except when I was 13, I was more carefree with boys and more confident.

Feeling pretty down about all this, I just went back to Tinder and started talking to someone older who I found attractive.  He made it quite clear that he just wanted to hook up, and I just went with it because I wanted attention and affection.  My ex was abusive and raped me, so I had not had physical contact with anyone for almost a year.  I was viewing all this as sexual healing, but in the back of my mind there was this hope that maybe it could turn into something more.  This hope was also returned with another thought of reality that it wasn't going to turn into anything.  We would text a whole lot and even when he asked me for pics and I really didn't want to, I would.  I was trying not to like him, but, of course, I did.  And sometimes, it seemed like he may have liked me, but he is in a different spot in his life than me and he lives a hour away.

Towards the beginning before I met him, I knew I was setting myself up for emotional disaster, that I was gravitating towards someone who confirms this warped perception of not being good enough for someone.  I knew I was traumatizing myself because that is what I know.  We were having fun, but a couple days ago, he said that the drive is too far for him...that he wished it wasn't that way.  After I expressed how I was mad at myself because I knew it would be this way, he was curious as to how I was feeling.  I was able to open up to him that I have a tendency for self-destruction and self-sabotage and that I was probably sabotaging myself by even telling him that.  I also told him I was starting to like him even though I knew it was just sex. He replied that I didn't sabotage myself and showed some understanding saying that how is anybody supposed to know where you are coming from if you don't talk about your problems.  I wasn't expecting him to be accepting and nice, so it made me like him more.  He ended up seeing me that night, despite the distance.  I was pretty happy until the next day when he stopped replying to my texts.  Rationally, I should be grateful that he cut it off since he knew I was developing feelings.  In the past, guys have continued to use me despite knowing that I liked them and that they wouldn't return the feeling.  Yet, I'm pretty upset.  I sent him a text saying that it was confusing for me because he said the distance was long and then still came over that night.  He's on Tinder.  He found somebody closer.  That's what I hate about dating sites; you can always find somebody else, somebody better.  I tried to go onto Tinder, but right now, it disgusts me.

I'm disgusted I let a stranger into my house and had sex with him multiple times.  I'm worried that I will do it again because now that I broke this dry spell, I am aware of these physical needs.  I don't think I have ever slept with someone who actually cared about me and I am increasingly believing I never will.

I know I am an attractive person.  I don't know why I let men get to me, well I do know, but I don't know how to break the cycle.  My counselor said I should view this time in my life as a fun dating time.  Yet, it seems like dating is too traumatizing for me.  She told me this before I joined Tinder.  I actually haven't spoken to her for weeks because I was super depressed to the point I didn't want to hear her input and didn't want to get chastised for my poor decision to get involved in casual sex.  I'm in e-therapy, so I finally messaged her but got notice that she is not counselor there anymore.  So, now I wait for a new counselor, and write in here and try to refrain from using Tinder.
#7
This was really spot-on.  I'm early in recovery and have been working on giving myself permission to grieve.  A narcissist in my life is actually what led me to discover I have CPTSD.  I sought out therapy because he did horrible, criminal things to me, but I ended up wanting to talk about my childhood, which led to learning that I had a traumatic childhood, and then a link someone gave to me in this forum took me to something about the connection between narcissists and people with CPTSD.  It all came around full circle.  Looking back, it is alarming to see how this person played and preyed on my every emotion.  It's disgusting, really.  Yet, I am away from that now and have a whole new insight.  I'm actually grateful that I had that relationship because it did eventually lead me to seeing vital truths about myself so I can heal.  I used to pray to God "why?" He brought this person into my life who I loved so much, while this person couldn't let me go but had a complete disregard for my wants and needs.  Now I know why, and I am more grateful than hurt...at this moment for the healing process waxes and wanes.
#8
SOT - Sense of Threat / Unable to relax
December 23, 2015, 10:50:36 PM
A couple months ago I sort of had an epiphany when a frequent patron who I wait on as a server in a restaurant told me I'm worried about something while nothing is really wrong.  This was in a friendly way and this customer has always been motivational and supportive of me, so it wasn't taken offensively.  Later, I was thinking about it.  I am in this constant state of worry even though my life is probably the best it has been in a while.  Sure, there are things I'd like to see better, but there has not been any disasters or anything horrible for a while.  This was before I knew about CPTSD, but I had an epiphany that I am in this worry because I spent a good chunk of my childhood in anxiousness.  I've been worried for the last 20 plus years.  It's been my way of life.  Flash forward to today, and I was completely embarrassed by how apparent my lack of ease was to the man who did my nails.  I've been aware that sometimes it makes it hard for them to do my nails, but I never had this man before, and he sort of made it a big deal while the others usually were like, "woman, relax" in a joking way.  When he said something about me not liking him or being scared of him, I told him I'm always tense and that it wasn't him but me.  I felt so ashamed and actually just wanted to say I have PTSD so he would shut up about it.  Yet, there were so many people there, and that probably would have embarrassed me more by admitting that.  One solution to this would to not get my nails done anymore, but I'm not bowing out from something I like to do for myself because of some kind of survival habit I picked up from my bad childhood.  I feel like this worry is so ingrained in me that it literally affects my body.  I figure that this will lessen over time.  I am currently in therapy to heal the trauma that has happened in my life.  Yet, does anybody have suggestions on how to deal with the tension in the meantime or how to relax when I get my nails done?  Thanks!
#9
General Discussion / Re: Neurofeedback
December 05, 2015, 03:29:30 AM
Please keep us posted.  This is something I am seriously considering in the new year.
#10

Thanks for your voice, laynelove.  I thought about it after I posted last night and realized what my daydreams are telling me is quite similar to what you said.  There is a need for connection that I am lacking, so that is something I should work on.  Today I've kept myself busy so I don't do it.  I'm thinking about taking up adult coloring books to help me relax but also keep focus.
#11
I'm new to understanding CPTSD and how it could be affecting me.  One thing I have realized over the last few days is that I disassociate A LOT through daydreaming.  I was slightly aware that I did this but no doctor ever asked me if I did.  It always bugged me that I did it and then bam I'm reading the symptoms for CPTSD and it all made sense.  I mostly fantasize about interacting with others, romantic interests or am just in my head thinking about people.  I didn't do it when I was with my ex, but he was abusive and another person cannot be the solution to it.  I started disassociating this way as a kid while I was still in traumatic situations. I want to stop doing it and be present and believe my outer world can be the same or better than these daydreams. Lately I've been doing it a lot because I'm going through a bout of depression and coming to terms with how abusive my relationship was and trying to understand my traumatic childhood. I realized I was doing it just a bit ago and got upset but still had a fantasy of telling someone I do it and how I hate it.  I am new to this realization and am frustrated because when I realize I'm doing it while doing it, it's like an alarming reminder that it is a symptom from something I had no control over.  I know I should just back off of myself but I don't want to live in my head anymore. I want to really live.
#12
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Hello
December 02, 2015, 05:07:53 PM
Hi, my name is Robyn.  I came upon the discovery of CPSTD while I was looking for self-help books for traumatic childhood survivors.  For the last decade I've been diagnosed with chronic depression and anxiety.  I recently was speculating if I have borderline personality disorder, but some of that didn't fit.  I've felt for a long time that there was more to my mental disorder than depression.  My withdrawal into fantasies and emotional flashbacks were something I knew was off but nobody and no material mentioned these symptoms.  I did think I had PTSD but those symptoms did not fit either.  In the last few weeks I've been talking with a counselor via betterhelp.com, and she helped me validate that yes, I did have a traumatic childhood.  I've tried many therapists and they all pushed aside the past even when I said I needed to talk about my childhood because I felt it plays a huge factor in how I think and live today. I'm so grateful that I finally found a therapist who engages me in the therapy that I want and need.  Yet, what now?  I finally recognize the trauma and it is a relief to know that there is a diagnose out there that describes what I endure.  When I was 8 my grandfather was senselessly and brutally murdered followed by two other deaths in my family.  My father was broken over the murder of his father and abandoned us when I was 10.  My mom remarried 2 years later to a man who verbally and physically abused me and she chose him over me when I ran away to my aunt and uncles when I was 16.  My older brother and sister both moved away during this time.  I had lost everything I knew and loved.  I knew I wasn't wanted at my aunt's but I had nowhere to go.  The helplessness I felt at the hands of others is something I can't shake.  It's like a track in my head, "I'm sorry.  I didn't know what to do.  I was a kid."  So, pretty much, I lived the last ten years of my childhood in grief, abandonment and shame.  Once I was 18, I got into drugs and completely was in denial about how damaged I was.  I knew I was hurting and embraced it without doing anything about it except partying and then finding myself crying wasted on the bathroom floor kicking the door.  I eventually got out of doing hard drugs and now I barely drink and never smoke marijuana, something I thought I would always do.  I've been clean from hard drugs for years now and haven't smoked in months.  I like being sober.  My romantic relationships have pretty much nonexistent or abusive.  I have a tendency to get involved with men who are only out to use me while I'm being earnest.  The only guys who would have treated me right I pushed away out of fear and shame of my past.  A few months ago I broke away from an extremely unhealthy relationship with a narcissistic alcoholic who used me so much for three years that I feel almost beyond empty with what he took from me emotionally, sexually, financially...pretty much in every way.  He was sexually abusive.  He raped me several times.  I don't know why I stayed...maybe out of hope, maybe out of denial.  I didn't want to believe someone I trusted would hurt me like that.  Why did I stay?  Because I think I have CPSTD and let people and circumstances into my life that confirm my warped self-worth.  Now I am ten years out of my traumatic childhood, and I know cannot live in this cycle of picking things in my life that will continue to hurt and devalue myself.  I have a 5 year old son and raise him all by myself.  He needs a better mother and I cannot let this illness to keep on stealing from me and him.  He cannot have  a stolen childhood like I did.  I think my family and some others have suspicions that I am unwell despite that I try to put on a front that I am ok.  And I am ok, I'm just not ok with the past yet.  I just don't know how to tell anyone that I have this hidden grief inside me, like a constantly weeping little girl.  I'm not even sure if I should tell anyone.  I do know that I am trying and this takes time.  The damage wasn't done in one day so I can't expect an easy fix.  I think therapy is helping me.  I also think volunteering for Crisis Text Line has helped me in feeling like I can help kids who felt as helpless as I did.  I can really tap into their feelings and help them navigate out of their overwhelming feelings.  So that's me in a nushell.