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I don't know if this is true or not, but I believe that just the ability to ask the question am I a sociopath (or am I a narcissist) probably implies you aren't.

That is a good insight, I'll have to store that into my psyche. Thanks!

Just my thoughts Laura, but your childhood does sound like it involved a fair amount of relational trauma and that has set you up for being deeply triggered by what is happening in your adult life and romantic relationship.  I'm not a T but I sincerely doubt you're a sociopath because of your reactions to the emotional abuse/infidelity/gaslighting. Sociopaths inflict that kind of behaviour rather than are the targets of it.

The best suggestion I have regarding clarity is to keep talking about it here to figure things out, but also maybe consider help from a T.

Thank you, your response does make me feel a bit better. I started seeing a new therapist and she is very patient so I think that and this forum will help me figure things out.

I know I am a little late to this thread but I have been struggling with this same question. I was very recently diagnosed with CPTSD. My original reason for pursuing therapy was that I have been experiencing a trauma response to some emotional abuse/infidelity/gaslighting in the relationship I have been in for six years.

A portion of the intake was a simple description of my family environment growing up and it was unavoidable to go into some specifics involving mental illness and neglect in my household  in childhood and adolescence.

The things I mentioned were just big parts of my life, I did not bring them up in the context of "trauma." But they are things that I know would meet the criteria. The thing is I don't remember being anything more than mildly disturbed or annoyed by them. Some incidents in my later adolescence I recall being extremely upset and panicked but I am able to process those feelings at appropriate times. I do not get overwhelmingly upset when I think about them, I can accept that they sucked but are over.

So why is it that something like a romantic relationship that is so trivial in comparison the thing that broke me? (Intrusive thoughts, nightmares, paranoia, physical reactions, re-experiencing, etc)

I worry that I may be a sociopath or something because my early experiences were shared with my siblings and a lot of them impacted them more than me. (My younger brothers and sisters were subjected to a far more advanced manifestation of a family member's mental illness and the environment by the time I moved out was multitudes more toxic than it was when I was their age.)  So this relationship is more difficult to process because it really hurts my ego? My feelings just got hurt and I can't handle it?

I've always had the less acute symptoms: low self esteem, helplessness, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, lack of focus or drive. But this complete lack of control over my own thoughts seems to be exclusive to my relationship stress. It's so hard to navigate this like nonlinear narrative and I really think it is important to identify what I need to focus on in the healing process.

Is there a way to gain clarity about this?

Despite having to be financially and just generally independent in life as far as basic survival, I have always had this feeling of inability to accomplish normal things.

I am 33 and simply cannot imagine being able to learn how to drive and pass a drivers test and feel confident enough to operate a massive piece of machinery without messing up and potentially  injuring myself or others. Does anyone else have an overwhelming defeatist attitude about fundamental adult responsibilities?

That will depend on what country you are in. Undoubtedly not mine. Welcome to the forum 

Thank you, and yeah lol I think it's probably easy to guess what country I'm in based on the health insurance anecdote.

I have been seeing a CBT for a few months and she implied to me that treatment for my specific issues was out of her wheelhouse. I found an extremely qualified (like not just a google search but citations in scholarly articles) EMDR specialist and had my first appointment with her today and I am feeling so hopeful and comfortable with this therapist. Unfortunately, She is out of my health insurance network, which does not cover ANY out-of-network costs under ANY circumstances. (There really are not very many therapists at all in my network.) The catch is that it is extremely expensive. I can technically afford it, and I know it's probably the most important thing I should be focusing on right now. But it would also mean having to strictly budget every other aspect of my life. (Healthy food, appropriate office clothes that I need after losing weight recently, travel out of state to see my family, etc. would all be unaffordable.)

Does anyone know if a recent PTSD diagnosis might qualify as a reason to change my insurance policy before the next enrollment period? I think a higher premium would still save money in the long run. Again, ill pay out of pocket if I have to but if anyone has any tips or tricks for making it more affordable I would be eternally grateful.

Hi Laura666,

Welcome to the forum. I've only been a member here for about a month and I've found this to be a group of very intelligent, caring people who empathize with one another, and often even share great information. It has given me the camaraderie that I was looking for. It gives us all a chance to talk about our experiences of traumas, triggers and reactions with others who don't need to have the struggle explained to them. Too much of our personal struggles are made worse by the feeling that we're alone, unheard, and invalidated. But here, we've pretty much all walked our miles in each other's shoes. We're all valid. We understand each other. So refreshing.

Naturally no one here can diagnose because we're a collection of survivors, not therapists, but to me, it sure sounds like Complex-PTSD is a strong possibility. The stories you've told about your family, the hoarding, the abusive relationships, are exactly the types of traumas that drive Complex-PTSD in many people. 

If you haven't read it yet, I think every person in the world should read the book Complex-PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker. If you don't yet have a therapist who knows how to help with Complex-PTSD, at least take a look at this book. My copy is almost half in yellow because I highlighted every ah-ha moment I had while reading. LOL. The first half of it explains how we became traumatized and how it has affected us. It's eye-opening. I predict you'll find yourself in one of his scenarios, and you'll see that qualified help is available in many forms. Once you've read this book (If you haven't already), you will most likely have a sense as to where you want to go with your own healing plan from there.

Thank you for the recommendation, I will definitely order that!

Hi Laura, welcome to the forum,  i am so sorry you have had to deal with so many things,  maybe this forum wil help you as much as it has helped me.

Thank you so much for the welcome, your endorsement is making me feel very hopeful.

I am aware that diagnosis is a no-no here. But I have been talking to my therapist about the way my mother's verifiable mental illness has affected me and my siblings and I feel that I have the symptoms of CPSTD and am uncertain about whether any of my experience could at least parallel the symptoms or if I'm just being hyperbolic. I'll try to keep the story short.

Growing up my mothers most pronounced disorder was hoarding. It's increased exponentially over my lifetime but started when I was around eight. (It coincided with her miscarriage and postpartum depression, as well as the diagnosis of paranoid schizophrenia of one of my brothers and my own diagnosis of type 1 diabetes. Her lack of support at that time was fully muted by her belief that these "tragedies" only affected her.

It was impossible to be comfortable in my own home and by the time I was in college it had reached third-world squalor. At this point my much younger siblings were my main concern. They mostly stayed with me and my older siblings. My dad became terminally ill when my youngest sister was only five. He was in hospice in the squalor until he died.

She spent the next year bedridden with grief and and often manufactured illness, offering absolutely no support for her children who had just lost their father.

My sister who was a teenager at the time endured an ongoing physical and sexual assault, was devastated and authorities were involved. I called her with concern that if she didn't let me clean her house CPS would take my siblings and I would never see them again. I was absolutely panicking and her response was that it was inappropriate for me to call her at night when her boyfriend would overhear.

Working 80 hours a week, I spend the hours usually observed for sleeping desperately trying to throw the floor to ceiling trash away, scrub away various molds on the kitchen, remove the offensive odors, etc. I remember cutting my leg with a broken piece of glass at the bottom of a trash pile, having to sop up the blood  with a dirty towel, all of the trash closed on on me and and fwas eeling absolutely helpless thinking at any moment my family would be completely removed from my life. Btw, she had flown to Spain for a vacation that week.

I think about that feeling of having no control over anything, a crisis created by someone I love who was showing zero insight into the gravity of the situation, or remorse.

I bring it up because my boyfriend has undeniably subjected me to prolonged cruel, and seemingly unnecessary pain. I have nightmares intrusive thoughts and panic attacks about his past descrepencies. I worry that this is actually a trauma response that I unfairly connect to the helplessness and panic about losing my family, because those parallels exist. Again, not looking for a diagnosis but I'm curious about if anyone can relate to this sort of relationship dynamic as an adult?