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Thanks, Three Roses and Blueberry!

Does anyone else have those days/weeks/months when all your brain wants to do is remind you of every questionable thing you've ever done, using the most melodramatic, shaming language possible? "That time you were late to a meeting -- that really exposed you for the shameful !@#@% you really are. That's why you no longer work there, you dumb !@#$%." Etc....?

P.S. Mercury, I think you are a good person, for what that's worth. 

Hi Mercury,

Just wanted to thank you for writing about the week-long retreat. I think so many of us need exactly that...and maybe for a month, or a year! I'm so sorry for everything you went through, and am glad you're with someone kind. I don't know if you've read anything by Peter Walker, but I found the chapter on relationships in his Complex PTSD book pretty helpful.

Thank you also to "ah" -- I agree that "safer" feels more realistic, and I never thought of saying that as a way of reassuring myself.

Thank you so much, ThreeRoses! Sorry I didn't see your lovely reply earlier.

I'm here, too, tired and teary and a phone call with NM yesterday (had been having a good day so thought I was resilient enough to be able to do that.) My partner gets home soon and teariness upsets him,  but here at HP, tears...water the many plants?

Thank you, Rainagain!

Thank you, RainAgain, that's a really good point. In my situation, there isn't funding to hire someone new, and barely enough funding for my work. I love (parts of) the job, though. And you're right: one person can only do so much without getting overstressed. Anyway, thanks again!

My "mother" and other family members are experts at wringing failure out of apparent success. Graduation, sometimes with honors? "You didn't seem so popular." An exhibit at a national gallery? "Not that many people attended." (The first example is from my life, over multiple graduations, beginning in sixth grade; the second is from my brother's.)  I grew into a perfectionist striver who can barely tolerate myself when receiving positive feedback at work ("They haven't noticed how problematic I am yet; better work harder.")

So, a few weeks ago, when a board member said something snide in an email, it stuck with me. She said my supervisor had told her I was "having trouble keeping to schedule" since my assistant left. My supervisor immediately informed me that she had said no such thing, and may have spoken to this board member, too -- or not. Anyway, despite this, I'm having trouble not obsessing about this comment and whether I am, in fact, too slow, and whether I'm going to be let go. It feels like I really need the board member to write again and take it back in order to let this go. That obviously isn't going to happen.

And this leads to memories of all sorts of other "failures" -- the time I tried to intervene when police were harassing someone, and they arrested him, anyway; my last conversation with this board member, when, to comfort her about a missed deadline, I mentioned one of my own (stupidly, I now see); etc. On a good day, I'd know that I do what I can and that's all anyone can expect. But I've woken up too early these past few days, with thoughts like these, and am trying to get through a deadline-centered workday on CPSTD-brain.

Thank you very much for reading.

Hi there,  just wanted to check in and say I'm a lot like this, too. I can't read certain books or watch certain films, and remember/imagine horrific things I've read about very vividly. Thanks for the post. 

I can really relate to fear of work, even though mostly I only have a part-time, stay-at-home job! Something strange has been making mornings better for me: Pete Walker mentions a "daily lament" somewhere in his book; and, instead of fighting the sadness when I wake up, I tell myself that I only have to get from my bed to my couch. On the couch, I let myself feel as sad as I want, and, when I'm up to it, comfort myself as a friend might. This is helpful because it feels like self-care, and I don't fall back asleep on the couch. Thank you for posting about this. I bet a lot of other people have been having the same question -- I know I have. 

Hi Caityp,

Yes, I've experienced similar emotions, and I think that probably many people on this board have, too. You ARE worthwhile and deserve a good relationship! It's okay to ask your bf not to go to clubs without you. I'd put that in the category of "quirky, but not problematic." You're not blaming him for this preference, and I think that's key.

I hope you can try to believe your bf when he says you're a good partner. And, I think that with time, these feelings will get abate. So sorry about the previous relationship, and especially about your friends taking your ex's side. You are a very strong person to have gotten through that.

Thank you for this topic, Annarae! I've been finding that I have particular with being or feeling responsible for someone else's work. Anyone else struggle with middle-management stuff like that?

Thank you, Dee and everyone who commented.  I know that none of you are worthless or horrible, even if you might believe that of yourselves -- that suggests that maybe I'm not horrible, either! (A tougher mental sell, obvi.)

Hi Justice, I just wanted to thank you for this post, which I'm reading at the tail end of an EF....it's helpful to hear that someone else has strong feelings of self-hatred during those times, too. It sounds like you're working really hard to get better and I hope you feel better soon, too! I think you're doing the right things. It's okay to miss a class or two. It's really inspiring to hear that you went back to get your degree.