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The last time I had a terrible episode of self hate, I went to a thrift shop looking for a heart-shaped pendant and lo and behold there was one there! It was made of obsidian, which is supposed to be good for cleansing and protection, if you believe in that kind of stuff...in any case it was exactly what I wanted. I wear it as a reminder to love myself. Every little bit helps...Keep taking steps forward...

From what I've read it is common. Since you are still pretty young, I'm guessing that will help in recovering the memories (compared to someone who is in their 50s and can't remember a lot, such as I am). If and when you recall the trauma, some of the rest could come back with it.

Oh WOW, tired! My mother said that same thing to me about my house! She made the comment to my son, that I was "playing house." That was such an invalidating thing to say...as if my whole existence, house, and very being were not "real." I loved that house, too, but never a word of credit for it did I ever get.

I knew a lady who made a giant dollhouse and kept it in her basement. When she had to go to a nursing home, they put it in the art museum. It was amazing and she had all sorts of cool carpenter's tools. I think whatever you enjoy doing is worth doing...consciously I know that.

Yesterday I started working on a painting tutorial I found on Youtube. (Yes, something that looked easy and I thought I could do!) The teacher is an excellent artist from Russia, but he was using his fingers to do a lot of the painting. I loved it, although I'm still having trouble finishing it since I had to make mine somewhat different.

I'm just realizing how much I self-sabotage. I have been working on healing for a long time now and part of what helps me is painting. I notice now that I will almost complete a painting and stop. I look at it for days and feel like I can never finish it, all the while telling myself I'll never be any good at it.

Is this a part of learned helplessness? Any pointers for more reading in this area?

I think I've gained in some areas of healing but this one seems to be almost getting stronger. I feel like I'm giving up more as the days pass. Probably has a lot to do with living with my elderly narcissistic father and being stuck here with no end in sight. .  . .but I am working on a plan to get away more often.

Thank you

I'm also pretty new to how all these symptoms relate.

I can remember almost the exact time I started to dissociate. It was after my mother left my father and I was about 5 years old. Terrified, with the crazy mom in a little apartment, I started making up friends to talk to. I never told this to anyone before and feared that I was schizophrenic for a long time...I've used those fantasies most of my life until fairly recently. I can tell when I'm really stressed when I feel like doing it again.

Interesting to think of it as a tool and a way to be guided by our needs. That makes a lot of sense...I will try to examine it with that in mind from now on instead of feeling it is nothing but an unhealthy escape.

I also do the online shopping and daydreaming..

If we can harness this, like GB Shaw, and get creative with our pain, it could be almost a gift.

Thank you all for the welcome, links and words of hope! I will continue reading the various sources on here, many have been very helpful already. Some things I've been doing but didn't realize they had names, like self-soothing. I would like to learn more about Cognitive Behavior Therapy...certainly learned helplessness hits home...and boundaries, that ever-elusive thing! Right now I just feel numb from thinking about all I've been through. People with normal families can't understand.

Well this looks like where I need to be. Time to get away from the obsessive thinking about what happened and move on toward the cures and healing.

I had a borderline/histronic/OCD mother, AS/Narcissistic father, bipolar/sociopathic husband...whew! Yes, there's some healing that needs to be done here! So glad to have found this forum.