To everyone that has responded here: I appreciate knowing that I am not the only person here who identifies with this "tendency" (a helpful way to remind myself that it is not an embedded personality trait, but a learned adaptation to my environment) to feel like I am or have fallen short over the years of trying to find a way out of the hellish purgatory that CPTSD survivors live in.
Since my own path in life started with two very dysfunctional and immature parents, who both likely had undiagnosed personality disorders, I was also constantly being compared to others and shown in mostly passive-aggressive and subtle ways that I continued to fail to meet the unrealistic standards that were set for me. This led to my perfectionist style and academic over-achievement, but underneath that facade, I always felt I could never measure up and didn't deserve my accomplishments. My father, in particular, would mail me newspaper clippings or magazine articles that implied I wasn't measuring up. Never mind the fact that after they both passed away, I discovered my parents' school records, which showed me that they barely were able to keep up passing grades during high school and college. Their hypocrisy was and is still mind-blowing, and to this day, hypocritical behavior in others is enough to trigger me into shame and rage.
Enter Impostor Syndrome, which has made me feel not worthy and prevented me from stepping up to opportunities because I don't feel worthy and the despair shuts me down from even trying, or sabotaging myself. Shame ensues when I compare myself to others with my education and experience, who I feel have attained financial success or status which I do not have. I will turn 65 in a few months. Imagine what it feels like to restart your life at this age after discovering why you've been running a (metaphorical) marathon with a broken leg against emotionally and mentally healthy competitors for decades!
Since my divorce from my malignant covert/communal uNPD wife seven years ago, I fell into chronic cannabis use which I am now into cessation for the third time and at six weeks out, I think this time it will stick. I try to practice self-compassion and understand that the 24/7 indulgence was a desperate attempt to escape the emotional agony and confusion of being thrown out like a piece of trash after a 23-year relationship with someone who revealed herself as a true phony and fake empath, who had all the compassion and understanding in the world for everyone - except for me. Now that the fog is clearing, my obsessive reading and research about both narcissistic abuse and CPTSD are finally starting to provide some relief after decades of being treated through CBT for low-grade depression and anxiety.
Anyway, I have found another link that I got a lot of wisdom out of, and which seems to be related to what my original post here was about. Hope this is helpful to everyone else as well. Thanks for all the support. I hope you get as much out of this as I have and it sheds some light on your own experience if it resonates.
https://www.anniewright.com/the-playing-field-wasnt-level-to-begin-with-on-childhood-trauma-and-the-fruitless-comparison-game/
Since my own path in life started with two very dysfunctional and immature parents, who both likely had undiagnosed personality disorders, I was also constantly being compared to others and shown in mostly passive-aggressive and subtle ways that I continued to fail to meet the unrealistic standards that were set for me. This led to my perfectionist style and academic over-achievement, but underneath that facade, I always felt I could never measure up and didn't deserve my accomplishments. My father, in particular, would mail me newspaper clippings or magazine articles that implied I wasn't measuring up. Never mind the fact that after they both passed away, I discovered my parents' school records, which showed me that they barely were able to keep up passing grades during high school and college. Their hypocrisy was and is still mind-blowing, and to this day, hypocritical behavior in others is enough to trigger me into shame and rage.
Enter Impostor Syndrome, which has made me feel not worthy and prevented me from stepping up to opportunities because I don't feel worthy and the despair shuts me down from even trying, or sabotaging myself. Shame ensues when I compare myself to others with my education and experience, who I feel have attained financial success or status which I do not have. I will turn 65 in a few months. Imagine what it feels like to restart your life at this age after discovering why you've been running a (metaphorical) marathon with a broken leg against emotionally and mentally healthy competitors for decades!
Since my divorce from my malignant covert/communal uNPD wife seven years ago, I fell into chronic cannabis use which I am now into cessation for the third time and at six weeks out, I think this time it will stick. I try to practice self-compassion and understand that the 24/7 indulgence was a desperate attempt to escape the emotional agony and confusion of being thrown out like a piece of trash after a 23-year relationship with someone who revealed herself as a true phony and fake empath, who had all the compassion and understanding in the world for everyone - except for me. Now that the fog is clearing, my obsessive reading and research about both narcissistic abuse and CPTSD are finally starting to provide some relief after decades of being treated through CBT for low-grade depression and anxiety.
Anyway, I have found another link that I got a lot of wisdom out of, and which seems to be related to what my original post here was about. Hope this is helpful to everyone else as well. Thanks for all the support. I hope you get as much out of this as I have and it sheds some light on your own experience if it resonates.
https://www.anniewright.com/the-playing-field-wasnt-level-to-begin-with-on-childhood-trauma-and-the-fruitless-comparison-game/