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Messages - sanmagic7

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Recovery Journals / Re: Sceal's journey
« on: September 19, 2020, 04:32:43 PM »
sceal, i think one of the most important and sanity-saving things we can do is learn to put the blame, shame, guilt where it belongs.  i agree, this is huge.  maybe using different parts of your body in different ways has helped loosen that up for you.  i give you so much credit!  what a fighter you are, in more than one aspect of that dynamic.   :applause:

so happy for you! :hug:

Recovery Journals / Re: #8 - starting over
« on: September 19, 2020, 04:29:00 PM »
sceal, i know you've been going thru your own massive stuff lately, know you're thinking of me, and i hope you know i'm thinking of you as well.  the blanket and hot chocolate on the porch with you sounds wonderful.  thank you so. :hug:

i'm talking w/ a shrink this coming week, filled out the forms yesterday about my state of being, all the meds i've been on thru the years.  it was a daunting task, and just brought up more sadness.  i won't be talking to my t beforehand, and i'm already feeling the stress of talking to a new doc about myself.  just add it to the pile.

i dreamed about using the bathroom at someone's house yesterday, having people come in and out w/o my permission, using my stuff w/o asking me, even taking my car for their errands.  i finally got so angry at all of them, began talking to them about how i felt, that i was getting out of there, taking my car and how disrespected i felt (in much stronger language!), and woke up because i had been speaking out loud.

i went thru a phase of this talking while in mexico - it was always speaking out loud to someone, as if i had to speak up so they would hear me, that i had something important i wanted them to hear, and even while asleep i could hear myself talking out loud.  it was weird to have this happen again, but it showed me my underlying anger at everything and everyone who's been piling all this crapola on top of me since may.  didn't realize, hadn't felt the anger before this.  it was a very bad day for me.

lots of xanax helped me sleep a bit better last nite, and while i feel a little better today, i'm still exhausted.  i hope i get some meds to help me navigate thru this morass of monstrosity.  my mind is suffering.

Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: My Husband had a Stroke
« on: September 18, 2020, 05:07:14 PM »

Recovery Journals / Re: #8 - starting over
« on: September 18, 2020, 05:06:48 PM »
sounds good, blueberry.  i'd love to watch.  thanks for the warm hugs :hug:

Recovery Journals / Re: #8 - starting over
« on: September 18, 2020, 12:50:18 PM »
thank you, hope.  you brought tears to my eyes - they're never far away lately, it seems.  whether because of a kindness like yours, or more bad news -my head just wants to explode! 

so, another death, and the ongoing stress of not hearing about the home loan possibility, and finally being able to breathe where we live . . .it's just not stopping.  my d is feeling the same way as i do, and it's interfering w/ her work as well.  we heard another horrible story yesterday about the town just north of us that burned to the ground.  this is unprecedented, and the heartbreak can be overpowering at times.

sleep is getting rougher, too.  only 4 hrs. last nite. second nite in a row.  and i was so tired, i was falling asleep while my d and i were watching tv at 6:30.  after she left, i couldn't fall asleep till after midnite, woke up at 4.  not good.

i'm going back to the porch.

Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: Just useless V Cptsd symptoms
« on: September 17, 2020, 03:59:52 AM »
oceanstar, i agree with everyone here.  we've been damaged again and again, which can make it difficult to distinguish our real selves from the selves we've been set up to be.  be as kind as possible to yourself, ok? we're all in this together - we get it.  love and hugs :hug:

Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: stress has turned into distress
« on: September 17, 2020, 03:56:44 AM »
blueberry, wonderful thoughts, and, yes, i'm going to the porch, just watch the waves lap onto the shore, feel the breeze bring in fresh, clean air (ours was only moderate today, so down from the good rating we had yesterday) and no breezes to blow this crap away.  i'm just beside myself, was able to get some tears out, which was good.  no t for over a week now cuz of all the evacuations and cancellations from last week.  it's just horrible to think of what these people are going thru, and i try not to think about it but it creeps in anyway.

writing has always been beneficial for me, which is why i do so much of it here.  never thought of it as resilience, tho, just something i've done for as long as i can remember.  thanks for that, and for those warm, embracing hugs. :bighug: right back atcha, my dear.

Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: stress has turned into distress
« on: September 16, 2020, 02:21:00 PM »
thanks, owl.  i hope you never have to imagine it, either. :hug:

last nite something on the news disturbed me badly. i think i'm incredibly furious and disgusted about it, but it's like i can't acknowledge it - there's already too much i'm holding back.  can't afford to let this dam break right now.  it made me have a hard time falling asleep, tho. 

i've started my next book, just trying to distract myself, i think.  it's more of a mystical, magical story based on mexican folklore, but set into a newsroom. i think what i heard on the news last nite tapped into the gist of my story, too.  too many things are infuriating that go on behind closed doors.   i guess this is taking me back to my activist days volunteering for domestic violence victims.

and, i'm blathering.  that's how much i'm distracting myself.  don't even want to write about my feelings here.  someone asked if how i'm coping or what i'm feeling is c-ptsd based.  yep.  sure is.  i can feel the disturbance in my innards, but can't bring it up.  don't know how much of that may be alexithymia, either, but i guess that doesn't matter.  it's still there, i'm still holding it in, still afraid that if it cracks even a tiny bit, i will explode little pieces of me all over and won't have the energy to pick them up, put them together again.  i just want to cry, but the tears won't come.

Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: My Husband had a Stroke
« on: September 16, 2020, 02:07:24 PM »
kizzie, from my heart, altho we are often reminded during day-to-day life of our past trauma, your husband having a stroke is one of the worst ways, to my mind.  i'm glad he's beginning to be able to move limbs and can speak up, say what he needs.  much love and prayers to both of you :hug: :hug:

Recovery Journals / Re: Reboot's Recovery Journal
« on: September 15, 2020, 11:16:35 PM »

Recovery Journals / Re: Sceal's journey
« on: September 15, 2020, 11:14:19 PM »
hey, sceal,

i think the 'flaky therapist' comment hit me so hard because, for one, it came from my supervisor, and for another, it was, once again, not being accepted for who i am, my individual ways of looking at the world and my profession.  not being accepted for me is definitely a c-ptsd thing, especially from someone in an authority position.  i didn't dress like an authority-type therapist where i worked, so was judged neg. from first sight.  i wasn't 'fashionable'. i also bent the therapy 'rules' at times because i believed the girls i worked with had a different dynamic to address - i worked as a day treatment therapist, while the rest of the therapists worked in the residential sector.  it was a completely different mindset.

i understand what you mean, also, by getting the validation from the 'correct' people.  it really does make a difference.

i agree with you about the possibility that you're processing something that's coming out in your subconscious thru dreams. 

in the end, tho, i'm so glad for you that you feel more yourself when you're at the gym, doing your thing, feeling it, working yourself in a way that's good for you.  having an environment like that w/o judgments is so encouraging to keep going, to my mind.  keep up the good work, sweet sceal.  love and hugs :hug:

Recovery Journals / Re: Rainy Journal
« on: September 15, 2020, 10:56:31 PM »

Recovery Journals / Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
« on: September 15, 2020, 10:54:41 PM »

Recovery Journals / Re: m1234 journal: one foot forward?
« on: September 15, 2020, 10:53:29 PM »

Recovery Journals / Re: More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework
« on: September 15, 2020, 10:52:12 PM »

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