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Messages - sanmagic7

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1
Other / thanksgiving
« on: November 25, 2020, 11:33:28 PM »
i celebrate this holiday now differently than what i was originally taught about it. i celebrate it to give thanks for the people in my life who have shown me a different way to live and think, for everyone here on this forum, and for the help i've received this year in moving forward out of the swamp of despair and into a stronger faith that i will continue to heal.  thank you all - you're the best! :grouphug:

2
Physical Abuse / Re: TW- what if I deserved it?
« on: November 25, 2020, 11:28:35 PM »
i echo everyone's thoughts and sentiments here, db.  how we've gotten manipulated distorted our ways of thinking so that the blame seemed surely to lie with us, what we said, what we did - or not.  nope, illusion of choice is a great phrase here.  self-blame is what we were taught to do in order that any and all of our abusers would be able to walk away from what they did without guilt or accountability,

you were abused physically, mentally, and emotionally.  not your fault.  period.  love and a hug filled with a spray can full of 'this, none of it, was your fault'. :hug:  spray that blame away to where it truly belongs, ok?

3
Recovery Journals / Re: #8 - starting over
« on: November 25, 2020, 11:20:50 PM »
blueberry, thank you so much for the hugs - they are always appreciated.  so glad you're in my corner. :hug:

tee, thanks for your wise advice - she and i are looking forward to tomorrow.  we've made plans on how we're going to do everything, what we're going to make, and how we're going to enjoy the rest of the day (which includes the final 'star wars' movie - good food and a great flick, it just doesn't get much better than that!). :hug:

4
Recovery Journals / Re: Further Adventures of Elpha
« on: November 25, 2020, 11:17:54 PM »
sounds like you not only have a lot on your plate right now, but in the near future as well.  you're doing magnificently, my dear el, and i'm so proud of you.  the finish line is in sight, and your new trauma training is right around the corner.  i have no doubt all will be well.  you're one of the best jugglers i know!   :yes:  much love and a hug full of encouragement and support. :hug:

5
Recovery Journals / Re: Snowdrop's journal
« on: November 24, 2020, 09:49:45 PM »
i love the imagery of smashing that old bedroom to smithereens.  it must have felt very freeing.  feeling trapped is just a horrible thing to feel, whether it's physically, emotionally, mentally  . . . whichever way it makes itself known.  i've been going thru a lot of that lately - it's a terrible way to feel out of control over yourself and your life/being.

you're doing an awful lot of great work, snowdrop. (i feel the same way about the flower - hope against all odds).  much love and hugs filled with strength and perseverance to keep moving forward. :hug: :hug:

6
Recovery Journals / Re: Buddy9832s Journal
« on: November 24, 2020, 09:44:52 PM »
this covid thing is so very difficult to deal with on many, many levels, buddy.  i hear your frustration, as well as a sense of defeat that you're not being heard, don't have a voice.  i have had both family members and friends die of this illness, and i am concerned for you, your wife, and your kids.

is there any way you can say no, have a thanksgiving w/ you and your kids (and your wife, if she's open to being with you)? the idea that people are symptomatic would seem to me an extraordinarily valid reason to stay away until they are deemed to be virus free.  perhaps thanksgiving could be postponed?  i know of families who have done that in years past, not only with thanksgiving but with christmas as well.  it's worked well for them, and they still get to enjoy the food and socializing, only on a different date than what the calendar says.

i do hope this will work out for you.  my heart is with you, buddy.  it's definitely not a fun place to be, trying to make a voice of reason heard above the din of nonchalance.  sending love and a hug filled with a 'it's ok to put tradition aside for a little while' perspective. :hug:

7
Recovery Journals / Re: #8 - starting over
« on: November 24, 2020, 05:21:35 PM »
bach, hearing that from you was so much more than ok - it lightened some of the darkness i've fallen into today.  your timing was perfect!  i applaud you on that shift, and using it to reinforce e :hug:xactly those feelings for myself.  thank you so much for sharing.   :hug:

spoke w/ my t today.  i'm so very scattered and the thanksgiving holiday sent me into a tailspin. (i don't celebrate thanksgiving the same way as before, the whole pilgrim/native american reality has been brought home to me a few years ago. i now utilize it as a day of gratitude for what i have and thankfulness for all that is good in my life.  this forum is part of that.)

anyway, i got a turkey breast from the food bank last thurs., didn't have enough room in my freezer to time it so i could roast it on thanksgiving, so it thawed in the fridge. yesterday was my turkey dinner day, and i'd planned to treat thursday like just another day.  my d and i went shopping for milk in the morning, and she began talking about making a green bean casserole because it's one of the t-day sides she especially likes - she's a vegetarian, so doesn't eat gravy and turkey.  i just thought she was going to make it for herself to eat yesterday, and never made the connection from that dish to the holiday.

a few other things were mentioned that she wanted to make, and it hit me that she was looking forward to a true thanksgiving meal for the two of us to celebrate and enjoy.  suddenly, i was head over teacups emotionally after realizing my tunnel vision of thought had only embraced myself, and i hadn't given a thought to the idea that she wanted to celebrate as a family. as she kept talking about the food we'd have on thurs., i was able to catch myself from wondering aloud why she was waiting till thurs. to make this food.

it hadn't occurred to me for a minute that thanksgiving was something she wanted to hang onto as a family thing.  i'd already made my dinner, eaten some of it, so thursday was going to be just another day for me.  i was so embarrassed, and became so very disturbed within myself that i'd not considered her in my plans.

this, then sent me spiraling.  it was the same way for her in her childhood - i always kept an eye on her, watching to see that she was ok, while i struggled and battled w/ D1, my marriage, and the icky therapist i was working with at the time, who was constantly putting me down, shattering my ego and self-esteem. she later told me that as she saw what her father and i were going thru with her sister's problems, she never wanted to add to our burden, so kept herself quiet about things that were bothering her.

until she exploded into her own depression and anxiety, and everything that went along with it. so, this embarrassment this year triggered all kinds of past memories, struggles, battles, wrestling to keep my family together and myself sane in the bargain. by yesterday afternoon, my insides were buzzing, and thoughts kept tumbling in and out of my mind.  i nearly did the same thing to my d in the present that i'd done too often in the past.

i'm ashamed - just realized this now - that i fell into that same pattern.  the embarrassment turned to shame.  i want to berate myself, i can feel lots of 'stupids' nipping at my mind as i write. this has been a problem all my life, that i get so focused on one thing, nothing around me penetrates as to how someone else might feel, the connections needed to make things easier for myself,.or even that there's someone else to consider. 

i'm just glad i caught it yesterday before i hurt my d by dismissing her by word or deed. i realized today that i do have one d to focus on, who deserves my attention and energy because her sister has chosen not to be a part of my life, and i must let her not interfere. my d, right here and right now, is deserving of my being with her, celebrating with her, making a big deal out of a holiday we've often enjoyed together when she was younger. she deserves me, and it scares me that i came so close to hurting her.

dang. so, all kinds of memories, thoughts, losses, abuses came up because of this. i know i can't help how my mind works, am doing my best to address the issues behind it, but this was too close for comfort. the last thing i want to do is hurt my d, who has been nothing but kind, gentle, and patient with me and all my c-ptsd symptoms and wounds. i'm just doing what i need to do to get thru this day and hopefully the rest of the week will be smoother as my mind processes these realizations, deals with the memories, and gets me thru one more holiday that brings both joy to be with D2, and grieving to have D1 not be part of it.  i'm spent now.

8
The Cafe / Re: what's in a name?
« on: November 24, 2020, 04:50:50 PM »
these names represent, to me, so much hope, and something better that we can hang onto, even in the darkest of times. thanks so much for continuing to add to this thread - it really does bring hope and happiness to my heart, and, especially today, i was needing some.  love and hugs filled with thankfulness for all of you. :grouphug:

9
Recovery Journals / Re: Tees 2nd try journal* trigger warning *
« on: November 22, 2020, 05:40:29 PM »
no matter where you are, we are there with you.  right now i'm on the porch with you, and will always be there if you need it.

a few years ago, when i left mexico, i was riding in a car with 2 strangers, pulling all the possessions i could fit on their trailer behind us. i was distraught at having to leave my home, my husband, and the country that gave so much to me.  before i left, i wrote here about how i was feeling about it all, and before i had to pack up my computer, several people from the forum told me they would be with me even as was being driven away from so much i loved.

we were in line for about 2 hours, and when we finally got within sight of the border crossing and the guard house, i imagined a group of people from here about 20 feet away, all walking along as the car inched slowly toward the actual border. there were about 15 of them, they doggedly walked along, keeping pace with the car.  they stood there, their energy giving me the strength i needed to make this life-changing move after 16 years living there.

When we finally hit the guard house and the actual border, while the guard was checking around my stuff in the trailer, it was if all these people surrounded me, holding me up, reassuring me i wasn't alone.  it was one of the most profound experiences of my life, and it happened because i was part of this forum.

i just want you to know, we will be there with you no matter where you are, where you go, whenever you need us.  from experience, i know the words 'we've got you', when spoken by people here, is the truth.  and, we've got you, too, tee. you are not alone.  love and warmly embracing hugs to you. :grouphug:

10
Recovery Journals / Re: #8 - starting over
« on: November 22, 2020, 05:29:41 PM »
i'm there with you, tee.  you made it sound so inviting, and just a lovely place to be.  i'll take lemonade, we'll enjoy the colors and the slapping of the waves on the shore and the calm and peace together.  thanks!

11
Recovery Journals / Re: SaB's 2nd journal
« on: November 22, 2020, 05:27:51 PM »
hey, s&b, - i've gotten behind on journals, but want you to know i'm still here for you, still care about you a lot.

i agree with the others, that we all have some narcissistic traits, but, NPD means Narc Personality Disorder, which is a whole different ball game.  for those people, and, as someone mentioned, they are not the people who question whether or not they're narcs, narcissism makes up the very core of who they are. i, too, have been surrounded by npd's, and altho one of them was an actual therapist, while others have been in therapy, some for much of their lives, they, none of them, have ever questioned or admitted to something being out of sorts with them in their being.  lies and deceit and manipulation are their mainstay, rather than questioning their own selves.

it struck me when you wrote about how you push away positive things for yourself.  i truly think it may be because you haven't had a lot of practice having positive things, people, gestures, words, etc. in your life.  it's difficult to trust something we don't have a lot, if any, exposure to on a regular basis, so feeling scared of it makes a lot of sense to me.  do you find it difficult to allow the caring and support into you that you find from people here on the forum?  could that be part of a reason to check out from here?  no pressure, and you don't have to answer. those questions just popped into my head, so i thought i'd write them down.

i think you're doing a lot of good for yourself, questioning, wondering, writing down your thoughts and feelings, allowing others to share them with you, and just being part of our lives.  thank you for that.  we are all in this together.  sending love and a hug filled with compassion for your struggles.  i know what that's like. :hug:

12
Recovery Journals / Re: Tees 2nd try journal* trigger warning *
« on: November 22, 2020, 05:06:23 PM »
i'm in on the 'we've got you' bit, too, dearest tee.  we're not letting go.  love and hugs all around :grouphug:

13
Recovery Journals / Re: Snowdrop's journal
« on: November 22, 2020, 05:03:34 PM »
interesting idea, snowdrop.  that could very well be, altho i didn't think of it that way.  still, energy transfer is real, and, to me, magic is real - i'm open to a combination of the two.  whatever it might be, it was a great, helpful and healthful feeling.

i think consolidations can be extremely important while we are healing.  not only for parts, but for Self.  i'm very glad for you that every part seems ok right now, and that you checked in on them to make sure they were.  well done  :thumbup:- healthy parenting is the phrase that came to mind for this.  protect, guide, check in on how everyone's doing.  and, of course, love.  you're checking all the boxes and the results are showing. 

you are exuding some major vibes again - i sat for a few minutes after writing that last sentence, and just felt happiness course thru me because of what you're doing.  thank you, again.  you're a blessing.  love and hugs to all :grouphug:

14
Recovery Journals / Re: #8 - starting over
« on: November 22, 2020, 04:55:39 PM »
hey, notalone, thank you so much for the validation on my record-keeping. it's good for me to see the patterns, but also to tell the shrink when i talk w/ her next month. i was able to actually sleep 8 hrs. last night, which is amazing for me, so i think i'll keep it up.  thanks for being here w/ me :hug:

tee, i really appreciate your recognition of this.  it helped make my thoughts on it much more concrete, and also helps keep this idea in the front of my mind.  it feels easier to chase someone else's demons away than my own.  thank you so   :hug:

after these realizations yesterday, i was pretty rocky for the rest of the day.  i'm feeling better this morning, was able to take a walk, and have enough energy to write more on my new book, so that all feels good.

thinking this demon thing a little further, i think it helps me to know on a conscious level what, exactly, i'm battling, which gives my energy better focus.  it was his demons which traumatized me in such a way that i carry the wounds to this day.  it makes the idea of being wounded a more concrete feel, which, in turn, gives the idea of healing more hope. that's such an anomaly for me - i've never really thought in terms of hope, haven't felt it in my life until very recently. 

instead, i had faith that what ever came along, i would be able to deal with it, but that's not hope. i never looked at the future much, didn't have any plans for myself, goals i wanted to reach in 5 years or so.  therefore, hope didn't play a part in my life.  so, thinking in terms of hope now, even writing the word, seems very strange.  i think hope seemed too positive a concept for me to carry.  i was always so full of sadness there was no room for hope.

strange how these things come to us on a whim or a rainbow, because of another person's words or experience, or some brain flash that puts it into our consciousness when we least expect it.  today, i'll take it slowly cuz yesterday was not good emotionally.  there seems to be something niggling at the back of my brain, but i can't get hold of it yet.

15
Recovery Journals / Re: #8 - starting over
« on: November 21, 2020, 08:02:12 PM »
hey, tee - interesting what you said about naps being safe.  i've had that same kind of dynamic. as i'm writing this, a thought came to mind that my dad took naps nearly daily, and we kids had to keep quiet to let him sleep.  i wonder if that has something to do with my own napping.  for sure it's been a restorative during the day for many, many years.  thanks for sharing this, and i truly hope you get some relief as well.  not being able to sleep sucks! :hug:

another thing about this sleep thing - i worked on it more yesterday with my t - has been the anxiety i've felt before going to sleep at night, and i've linked that to the fear of not being able to sleep and feeling like crapola because of it.  not only feeling tired, but very stressed, which leaves me feeling physically sick.  after my session, a thought occurred to me that, no matter what, i will be able to get enough sleep one way or another (it helps being retired, so i do have time during the day to catch up if i need to).  i remember knowing this several years ago, and it helped curb my anxiety, but for some reason i lost it.

the past 2 nights i took my full amount of meds, rather than cutting them in half like the shrink suggested, and i really did sleep better, which felt great. so, i think i'll continue to do that, tracking it in the sleep log i began.  this is feeling like an experiment to me, so i thought i'd start noting everything about my sleep patterns, time for bed, trouble falling asleep or not, all the details.  during the session, i confessed that i had little hope this would be rectified.  for some reason, today, it feels like, with the help of meds, it might get better.  fingers crossed!

notalone, i totally agree - sleep is so important, and i don't know that everyone realizes it until they can't get enough on a regular basis, and against their will. it distorts our thinking processes, decision-making, perspectives, perceptions, and ability to see things as they really are.  this has been an issue for me for about 50 years, now, and i'm very tired of being tired.  thank you for your validation and i hope you find a light at the end of that tunnel soon. :hug:

hey, bach, i'm wondering if this phenomenon we share is a form of self-sabotage?  it's so automatic, so overtaking of any rational thought, goal, and the like.  or, maybe it's a fear of success?  i mean, we can think neg. about ourselves, which has been part of our mental pictures for a long time.  you know? what if we succeed, continue to eat well and healthy, get our bodies to a place that's healthiest for them - can we stand the idea of so much success?  you got my brain going on that one.  thank you so much!   :hug:

dear hope, you warmed my heart with what you wrote.  i mean, i really felt warmth from you flow through me. it was so personal, so lovely, so kind and caring - it showed more of you to me, and i appreciated that more than you know.  you have a light that you showed, which maybe you hide sometimes because of that ICr, but i'm so glad you ignored it when posting this.  thank you so much, my dear hope, for taking that risk for me. you made me feel very special. :hug:

i said most of what i wanted to say in my response to you wonderful people.  the one thing, the uncertainty about whether we're going to be living her or not in 6 mos. takes more of a toll on me than i expect i acknowledge. it probably has a bearing on my sleep, smoking again, tension i'm holding that i'm often not aware of until i sit at the edge of the forest behind our house, have a coffee and a smoke - very often during that time, i get the urge to exhale forcefully, like i'm releasing something inside, and usually i can suddenly feel how i've scrunched my shoulders up because i'm able to relax them a bit, bring them down to where they belong. 

i think, also, i hold onto a lot of this stuff trying to protect my d from seeing me freak out.  her anxiety stuff is even worse than mine at times, and i'm trying to keep an even keel around me to as not to rock her boat, too.  that mother thing dies hard.  some of this is also (this just hit me) because one of the shows we've been watching has been about a sociopath, their traits and characteristics, and her father immediately comes to mind.  it's all i can do to not say anything about him in front of her, but that's a tough one to hold inside me.

yeah, that makes a lot of sense now.  wow!  no wonder i'm releasing crapola about him every time i take a few minutes for myself w/ a coffee and cig. i really didn't realize till now exactly how much of that stuff i've been holding in.

another thing i realized, about intrusive thoughts about him, is that it's his demons i've been battling against, not mine. all that stuff i want to erase is not coming from me, but from him!  his overwhelmingly sense of self-loathing, rage, hatred toward women, lack of thought for anyone else - wow, that's huge.  it's good to write this down, but i'll need some time to process it, probably w/ my t on tues.  whew! 


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