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Neglect/Abandonment / results of my neglect
« on: Today at 01:24:22 PM »
i'm digging into this deeper than i have by writing here. when i've written about this in my journal, it seemed like i was more distant from it. here, i'm putting it in my face, looking at it hard and true. already i can feel my gut roiling up inside me.
i always had food and a roof over my head, 2 parents, so i wasn't neglected that way. but we weren't taught very much about basic hygiene - baths once a week (and when my sis and i were young, we shared the bathwater, first one, then the other to save money, i guess), and my college roommate taught me about brushing my teeth in the morning to get rid of morning breath. it was an aunt who bought me my first bra. i wasn't allowed to shave my legs till i got to high school - until then, i wore knee socks so that i wouldn't be called 'gorilla legs' anymore.
emotionally, my parents didn't know what to do w/ emotions, and i was very sensitive so i had a lot. but, by the age of 2, from what i understand, my F was very strict w/ me and i can't quite imagine how he must have restricted my spirit, but my M told me before she died that she'd told him to let up on the next baby (my S was born when i was 22 mos. old) and for her to say anything must've meant it was quite bad. i do know that i lost the capability to feel, recognize, and verbalize what i was feeling until just the past few years. before that i went into all kinds of situations feeling only curiosity and confusion.
not having access to my feelings (it's called alexithymia, and it was someone on the forum who recognized it for me) meant a life without fear, pain, empathy or compassion (i couldn't relate to how others felt). someone told me once that i had no compassion, and i hadn't a clue as to what that meant. my t recently told me to have compassion for my little me, but quite honestly, i don't know exactly what that looks like. i can feel sorry for myself, but i don't know if that's the same as compassion. my D2 just told me last week that what my mex. H had said to me was insensitive (which set off all kinds of new triggers, and i'm not talking to him right now, but after she named that, i was able to get mad about it)/ except for her naming that, i would've never thought it or known that's what it was. nuances escape me.
so, i'm struggling now, desperately. i can count on one hand how many times i've gotten mad in my life before the age of 65, and those times were only because i'd tolerated so much abuse that the anger exploded out of me like a pressure cooker blowing sky high. the only emotion i've felt on a regular basis was sadness. and i'm very sad for what i'm going thru right now.
but throughout my life, confusion reigned, and love. i know how to love, i feel love all the time, but as for the rest of it, i've been confused. i floated thru most of my adult life, really not having any idea of what was going on around me. a friend pointed this out to me once, that i was noticed for how i looked (in a good way) by everyone else, but that i hadn't a clue. she was right - i never saw myself the way others have. i just went where the wind took me, like a leaf moving on air currents from here to there to somewhere else.
lately, since i moved in w/ my D#2, who has been kind, gentle, and patient w/ me, and i've eliminated most everyone who has caused me stress in my life, the pain of what i've gone thru, just from this type of neglect and restriction, has made itself known. i could feel hurt at what people did, but i didn't feel the pain until now, and it's overwhelming me at times. i'm also scared of feeling more.
my t set an assignment for me to have a funeral for my family (i chose the fam i had w/ my ex and 2 D's) and as i was writing, i felt pain like i've never felt in my life. it overwhelmed me to the point where i had to stop, move away from it, and come back to it at a later time. no, emotional pain is brand new to me, and i believe it's been trapped in my body all these years - diagnosed as fibromyalgia. i truly believe, tho, that all that muscle pain is a result of pushing it into me, absorbing it, instead of allowing it, feeling it, and crying it out.
my gut is balled up right now, and i know this is painful stuff, but i don't feel it like i believe it would be natural to feel. i may be holding back because of the fear of feeling it now. i'm not crying, either, so all those toxic tears are staying inside me, too. i pushed myself to write this here today - honestly, i just want some quality of life, and the way i've been living is not that. the choices i've made, the abuse i've taken, tolerated, absorbed throughout my life, partners and friends i've allowed, addictions - well, they numbed the pain, didn't they! - all of it is due to emotional neglect. i'm hating my parents right now (at least that's a feeling).
i always had food and a roof over my head, 2 parents, so i wasn't neglected that way. but we weren't taught very much about basic hygiene - baths once a week (and when my sis and i were young, we shared the bathwater, first one, then the other to save money, i guess), and my college roommate taught me about brushing my teeth in the morning to get rid of morning breath. it was an aunt who bought me my first bra. i wasn't allowed to shave my legs till i got to high school - until then, i wore knee socks so that i wouldn't be called 'gorilla legs' anymore.
emotionally, my parents didn't know what to do w/ emotions, and i was very sensitive so i had a lot. but, by the age of 2, from what i understand, my F was very strict w/ me and i can't quite imagine how he must have restricted my spirit, but my M told me before she died that she'd told him to let up on the next baby (my S was born when i was 22 mos. old) and for her to say anything must've meant it was quite bad. i do know that i lost the capability to feel, recognize, and verbalize what i was feeling until just the past few years. before that i went into all kinds of situations feeling only curiosity and confusion.
not having access to my feelings (it's called alexithymia, and it was someone on the forum who recognized it for me) meant a life without fear, pain, empathy or compassion (i couldn't relate to how others felt). someone told me once that i had no compassion, and i hadn't a clue as to what that meant. my t recently told me to have compassion for my little me, but quite honestly, i don't know exactly what that looks like. i can feel sorry for myself, but i don't know if that's the same as compassion. my D2 just told me last week that what my mex. H had said to me was insensitive (which set off all kinds of new triggers, and i'm not talking to him right now, but after she named that, i was able to get mad about it)/ except for her naming that, i would've never thought it or known that's what it was. nuances escape me.
so, i'm struggling now, desperately. i can count on one hand how many times i've gotten mad in my life before the age of 65, and those times were only because i'd tolerated so much abuse that the anger exploded out of me like a pressure cooker blowing sky high. the only emotion i've felt on a regular basis was sadness. and i'm very sad for what i'm going thru right now.
but throughout my life, confusion reigned, and love. i know how to love, i feel love all the time, but as for the rest of it, i've been confused. i floated thru most of my adult life, really not having any idea of what was going on around me. a friend pointed this out to me once, that i was noticed for how i looked (in a good way) by everyone else, but that i hadn't a clue. she was right - i never saw myself the way others have. i just went where the wind took me, like a leaf moving on air currents from here to there to somewhere else.
lately, since i moved in w/ my D#2, who has been kind, gentle, and patient w/ me, and i've eliminated most everyone who has caused me stress in my life, the pain of what i've gone thru, just from this type of neglect and restriction, has made itself known. i could feel hurt at what people did, but i didn't feel the pain until now, and it's overwhelming me at times. i'm also scared of feeling more.
my t set an assignment for me to have a funeral for my family (i chose the fam i had w/ my ex and 2 D's) and as i was writing, i felt pain like i've never felt in my life. it overwhelmed me to the point where i had to stop, move away from it, and come back to it at a later time. no, emotional pain is brand new to me, and i believe it's been trapped in my body all these years - diagnosed as fibromyalgia. i truly believe, tho, that all that muscle pain is a result of pushing it into me, absorbing it, instead of allowing it, feeling it, and crying it out.
my gut is balled up right now, and i know this is painful stuff, but i don't feel it like i believe it would be natural to feel. i may be holding back because of the fear of feeling it now. i'm not crying, either, so all those toxic tears are staying inside me, too. i pushed myself to write this here today - honestly, i just want some quality of life, and the way i've been living is not that. the choices i've made, the abuse i've taken, tolerated, absorbed throughout my life, partners and friends i've allowed, addictions - well, they numbed the pain, didn't they! - all of it is due to emotional neglect. i'm hating my parents right now (at least that's a feeling).
