hey, tee - interesting what you said about naps being safe. i've had that same kind of dynamic. as i'm writing this, a thought came to mind that my dad took naps nearly daily, and we kids had to keep quiet to let him sleep. i wonder if that has something to do with my own napping. for sure it's been a restorative during the day for many, many years. thanks for sharing this, and i truly hope you get some relief as well. not being able to sleep sucks!
another thing about this sleep thing - i worked on it more yesterday with my t - has been the anxiety i've felt before going to sleep at night, and i've linked that to the fear of not being able to sleep and feeling like crapola because of it. not only feeling tired, but very stressed, which leaves me feeling physically sick. after my session, a thought occurred to me that, no matter what, i will be able to get enough sleep one way or another (it helps being retired, so i do have time during the day to catch up if i need to). i remember knowing this several years ago, and it helped curb my anxiety, but for some reason i lost it.
the past 2 nights i took my full amount of meds, rather than cutting them in half like the shrink suggested, and i really did sleep better, which felt great. so, i think i'll continue to do that, tracking it in the sleep log i began. this is feeling like an experiment to me, so i thought i'd start noting everything about my sleep patterns, time for bed, trouble falling asleep or not, all the details. during the session, i confessed that i had little hope this would be rectified. for some reason, today, it feels like, with the help of meds, it might get better. fingers crossed!
notalone, i totally agree - sleep is so important, and i don't know that everyone realizes it until they can't get enough on a regular basis, and against their will. it distorts our thinking processes, decision-making, perspectives, perceptions, and ability to see things as they really are. this has been an issue for me for about 50 years, now, and i'm very tired of being tired. thank you for your validation and i hope you find a light at the end of that tunnel soon.
hey, bach, i'm wondering if this phenomenon we share is a form of self-sabotage? it's so automatic, so overtaking of any rational thought, goal, and the like. or, maybe it's a fear of success? i mean, we can think neg. about ourselves, which has been part of our mental pictures for a long time. you know? what if we succeed, continue to eat well and healthy, get our bodies to a place that's healthiest for them - can we stand the idea of so much success? you got my brain going on that one. thank you so much!
dear hope, you warmed my heart with what you wrote. i mean, i really felt warmth from you flow through me. it was so personal, so lovely, so kind and caring - it showed more of you to me, and i appreciated that more than you know. you have a light that you showed, which maybe you hide sometimes because of that ICr, but i'm so glad you ignored it when posting this. thank you so much, my dear hope, for taking that risk for me. you made me feel very special.
i said most of what i wanted to say in my response to you wonderful people. the one thing, the uncertainty about whether we're going to be living her or not in 6 mos. takes more of a toll on me than i expect i acknowledge. it probably has a bearing on my sleep, smoking again, tension i'm holding that i'm often not aware of until i sit at the edge of the forest behind our house, have a coffee and a smoke - very often during that time, i get the urge to exhale forcefully, like i'm releasing something inside, and usually i can suddenly feel how i've scrunched my shoulders up because i'm able to relax them a bit, bring them down to where they belong.
i think, also, i hold onto a lot of this stuff trying to protect my d from seeing me freak out. her anxiety stuff is even worse than mine at times, and i'm trying to keep an even keel around me to as not to rock her boat, too. that mother thing dies hard. some of this is also (this just hit me) because one of the shows we've been watching has been about a sociopath, their traits and characteristics, and her father immediately comes to mind. it's all i can do to not say anything about him in front of her, but that's a tough one to hold inside me.
yeah, that makes a lot of sense now. wow! no wonder i'm releasing crapola about him every time i take a few minutes for myself w/ a coffee and cig. i really didn't realize till now exactly how much of that stuff i've been holding in.
another thing i realized, about intrusive thoughts about him, is that it's his demons i've been battling against, not mine. all that stuff i want to erase is not coming from me, but from him! his overwhelmingly sense of self-loathing, rage, hatred toward women, lack of thought for anyone else - wow, that's huge. it's good to write this down, but i'll need some time to process it, probably w/ my t on tues. whew!
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much love and a hug full of encouragement and support. 
- healthy parenting is the phrase that came to mind for this. protect, guide, check in on how everyone's doing. and, of course, love. you're checking all the boxes and the results are showing.