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Messages - sanmagic7

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1
Checking Out / overloaded and stressed
« on: Today at 05:46:36 AM »
3 days to the move, can barely hang on.  won't have internet for a bit.  i've just got to not be here for a bit.  need to settle.  i'm wiped.

2
Recovery Journals / Re: digging out of the muck
« on: Today at 05:45:11 AM »
notalone, armadillo, and hope - thanks so much for your caring, concern, and hugs.  love and peace to you all :hug: :hug: :hug:

i'm too stressed now, 3 days to the move.  i'll be out of touch for a while.  hanging on with meds and smokes and food.  ugly combo, but there it is. 

3
Recovery Journals / Re: digging out of the muck
« on: June 15, 2021, 02:51:26 PM »
my dear armadillo, your words of kindness and acceptance were exactly what i needed.  thank you so much. :hug:

yeah, just getting thru each day now is extremely wearing.  we're doing the next to final packing, one room at a time.  yesterday, the kitchen took about 6 hrs.  that's the biggest, most difficult of the bunch, but i think part of my stress is having to be on this schedule, not of my own choosing, and not getting the breaks i want at the time i want them.  just have to keep pushing till it's done.  i had a difficult time settling last nite, didn't get a lot of sleep.

we did get the furniture moved either to the doorway or into the garage so the Restore people can pick them up fri.  our 2 neighbors helped - washer, dryer, massive loveseat out to the garage, and pushed another sofa and loveseat to a door.  the Restore people won't come into the house because of the covid restrictions, so we are now without laundry facilities for over a week.  little by little, tho, i guess. 

i can tell it's disturbing me inside cuz my tetchiness and distress signals are going off.  another cig has been added, as well as more xanax.  dang, i'm working really hard to keep those amounts down, but i guess i'll just have to let it be what it is till i can settle.  i don't want to feel guilty or ashamed, even tho they're trying to come into my mind, because that doesn't help me relax, which is the point of using something to de-stress in the first place.  it's a tough battle, tho. 

at any rate, i just feel so busy and unsettled right now, and that's not sitting well with me.  therapy in a few minutes - that does help me settle down a bit, at least.

4
Recovery Journals / Re: Armadillo's Not So Trigger Filled Journal
« on: June 15, 2021, 02:38:04 PM »
your experience with not wanting to be around your mom, even when you were little, was, i think, very different from that of me and my D1.  it sounds like you were frightened about the responsibility for her life.  i can't even imagine how a little kid could cope with that except by staying away.  i'm sure it was a startling question to have to grasp an answer for.  these realizations can often take us by surprise.

i totally agree  about the responsibility part.  adults make their own choices, and we are not responsible for those choices.  it's one of the most basic, to me, concepts of not having control over anyone or anything but ourselves and our choices.  it's so difficult what you're going thru, but it sounds like you're becoming stronger as you continue in your recovery.  very happy to hear that.  love and hugs, my dear. :hug:

5
Recovery Journals / Re: Rainy Diary 2021
« on: June 14, 2021, 06:41:11 PM »
it certainly sucks when you thought one thing and the opposite happens.  so sorry to hear this.  sending love and support while you process, rainy. :hug:

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Recovery Journals / Re: Rainy Diary 2021
« on: June 14, 2021, 04:41:54 PM »
rainy,

sometimes we need those reminders from others, their words or deeds, to strengthen our belief that we're doing the right thing for ourselves.  i've been in an abusive work environment, so i can relate.  keep moving forward.

i understand the idea of being 'punished' by an authority figure - for me, it hasn't necessarily been my parents, but others who have determined rules and regulations for me to follow.  it's a horrible feeling.  i've felt it w/ the medical profession, therapists, bosses - anyone who has had my wellbeing in their hands.  i've been scared to speak up, to own my truth, make a mistake - you name it.  i feel for you, i really do.

keep taking care of you as best you can, ok?  love and hugs :hug:

7
Recovery Journals / Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
« on: June 14, 2021, 04:34:55 PM »
hey, jazzy,

wow!  i didn't realize i hadn't been part of your journal before this.  i just thought i'd been away for a long time.  well, no time like the present.

good to hear your sleep was ok after a rocky start.  love the flower!  i'm a flower child at heart, so flower pics hit me in a good place.  your kitty's curiosity is fun.

survival story, huh?  that takes incredible courage and determination, to my mind.  well done! :thumbup:

keep on keepin' on, my dear.  i think you're accomplishing a lot on many different levels.  love and hugs :hug:

8
Recovery Journals / Re: Armadillo's Not So Trigger Filled Journal
« on: June 13, 2021, 03:54:25 PM »
hey,

your experience with your mother just triggered the experience with me D1 - it sounded so familiar!  it's a horrible situation to be part of, and i am so very sorry you're experiencing it.  i'm just glad that what i said was helpful.  we need all the help we can get thru these situations.  love and hugs, sweetie :hug:

9
Recovery Journals / Re: Jazzy's Journal: Omega
« on: June 13, 2021, 03:51:34 PM »
jazzy, sorry your dinner didn't turn out as you expected.  i really like your attitude, tho, about being able to pull something positive about yourself out of such a disappointing event.  i don't think i've thought about myself that way, so it's an interesting perspective to me.  i've usually found more strength within myself when things go as planned.  it's a trust issue, i think - helps me build trust in myself (that i did something 'right') and in the other person.  i do like how you looked at it for yourself, tho.  it's like it's the other side of the circle, something that completes the whole.

thanks for sharing that.  it really gave me something to reflect on.  sending love and a hug filled with continuing of a positive path for yourself. :hug:

10
Recovery Journals / Re: Moving Forwards
« on: June 13, 2021, 03:36:07 PM »
wow, blueberry, so happy to hear you've been able to bounce back, get some of the life-giving dirt under your fingernails, so to speak.  i'm looking forward to doing some container gardening at our new place, and it's one of the most exciting aspects to me.  yay for gardens.!!!  :thumbup:

i agree with armadillo about your perseverance.  i've seen it over and over thru the years.  it's an inspiring quality about you i admire.  sending love and a hug filled with satisfaction on a job well done. :hug:

11
Recovery Journals / Re: Hope's Journal: 2021 (Part 1)
« on: June 13, 2021, 03:32:15 PM »
hope, i think protecting our abusers is something many of us do.  i also think it could come from a place of our own feelings of being bad, being wrong, somehow not being ok as we are.  whatever the reason, your newfound ability to get mad, to speak your truth about them, and to find some comfort here on the forum are all signs, to me, of the amount of growth you've accomplished in your own recovery.  bad daughter?  nope, not for a moment.  a healthier you?  yes, by all means. :yes:

i'm so glad you find the support you need here, my dear.  i feel the same way.  keep on truckin', hope.  sending love and a hug filled with an antidote to self-doubt. :hug:

12
Recovery Journals / Re: Armadillo's Not So Trigger Filled Journal
« on: June 13, 2021, 03:10:11 PM »
armadillo, so much of what you've written about your mom's behavior over the past years reminds me of  what's happened between me and D1 -the same type of scenario (helping, helping, helping, and being harshly pushed away, the lies, the attitude) and dynamic between us, and i was always the one who felt guilty and bad and trying to figure out how to fix it.

i finally had to let go.  she was pushing me to the brink of sanity, and it took me more than 20 years to realize there was nothing i could do to fix the relationship.  every chance available, she'd find some way to hurt me, shut me out of her life, then turn on a dime and make me feel guilty for not being there for her next crisis.  sometimes, there is no fix, especially if the other party isn't looking to work at it.   i've been NC with her for over 6 yrs., and tho i have a hole in my heart where she belongs, it is less painful than what continued to happen between us.

and, personally, i don't think there is enough recovery in the world that would make it all right to be in her presence again, even for a little while. 

i'm so very sorry you're going thru this with your mom.  one thing i've learned along the way is we can't help anyone who doesn't want to be helped.  i think it was a really good idea to get your aunt to call your mother instead of you.  keep taking care of yourself, ok?  sending love and a hug filled with clarity. :hug:

13
Recovery Journals / Re: Rainy Diary 2021
« on: June 13, 2021, 02:54:28 PM »
body image and food/eating issues can be daunting at the very least, especially when you're facing both people close to you and a general culture that is prone to body-shaming.  i love your attitude about how much your body has done for you.  i think anything like that deserves respect no matter what it looks like.  even if everyone weighed the same, we'd still all look different and our bodies would not be one size fits all.  but, honestly, with all that running you're talking about, it sounds like your body is sound and healthy.  i think that's the most important.

good luck with your decision, rainy.  sending love and a hug filled with strength. :hug:

14
Recovery Journals / Re: digging out of the muck
« on: June 13, 2021, 02:47:23 PM »
armadillo, thank you so for your words of caring.  i hope so, too. :hug:

notalone, thanks for that embracing hug.  it made my heart smile.

sometimes i think i'm doing ok, then a niggling little bit of disturbance makes itself known and begins building, all in a matter of seconds.  will this be ok?  will that work out?  what about that other thing?  it's simply draining and exhausting.  head to the medicine cabinet for xanax, out to the garage for a smoke.  honestly, having to rely on these things now to get me thru the day is nerve-wracking, makes me feel weak for not shouldering this like i used to. i'm so topsy turvy right now.

i really do feel like the apt. will be a place to make a fresh start, at least for me.  my d has already looked into the future and all she sees is that eventually she'll be moving again.  it's disheartening to me to hear that, and she's full of anger about all of this.  i guess i'm so used to things not always turning out the way i'd expected or wanted or hoped for that my survival mechanisms are running full speed.  all i'm looking forward to now is getting out of this place. and starting over.

*sigh* i think, i don't know.  i have so many emotions inside that i can't pinpoint.  they will flash out every so often, but then recede quickly and i hardly have time to acknowledge them before they're gone and i've already forgotten what they are.  i just want this move to be done - i'm feeling so anxious about everything!  2 neighbors are supposed to come over to get some big items out of our house so the restore people can come and pick them up, but we haven't heard about a time, so i'm already worried we're gonna be stuck leaving that stuff here and we won't get our deposit back. 

ok, feels like an avalanche  :fallingbricks: of worries and concerns are about to crush me.  ugh!!!

15
Recovery Journals / Re: digging out of the muck
« on: June 10, 2021, 10:15:38 PM »
thank you armadillo - so very appreciated.  packing is still going on but at least it's continuing.  neither of us have frozen over it - we just keep putting one foot after another. :hug:

am in the middle of grieving this place, so i don't have a lot to give.  we got the keys last tuesday, and i really like the apt.  moving is on the 22nd, then a return trip to clean the house.  too many emotions to elucidate, but the sadness comes out in spurts and i find myself crying from the smallest of triggers here.  the community we found here was unbelievable, like nothing i've known before.  so very hard to leave it behind.

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