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Messages - sanmagic7

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Recovery Journals / Re: Sage's Journal
« on: Today at 06:14:20 AM »
sounds like great fun, CF, and a means for socializing.  way to go!  love and hugs :hug:

Recovery Journals / Re: looking for relief
« on: December 04, 2022, 05:02:26 PM »
thanks, armee. :hug:

i've let this settle in and it feels solid, so i'll be starting on the next segment of my life,  but i wanted to review the level i just completed, which is level 3 - initiative v guilt.

Within the context of Erikson's theory, initiative is "a truly free sense of enterprise, manifested at the societal level in a society’s economic structure and endeavour."2

In practice, this looks like the enthusiastic desire to attempt new tasks, join or come up with activities with friends, and use new skills in play. The child begins to learn that they can exert power over themselves and the world.

due to the fact that i was just on the edge of the spectrum, as well as being 'brainwashed' in a sense to do things my parents' way, i spent a lot of time by myself, playing by myself.  i don't remember having the feeling of power over myself.  i was a scared little girl, trying to please all the adults in my life at the same time, and becoming extremely upset and frightened if i failed at that - the milk money incident.

i have that feeling now, thanks to a lot of hard work and my D and T, but the idea of powerlessness runs strong in my mind.  working thru this has pretty much erased that - when i look at little me at that age now, i'm not so scared about the incident as a whole, and i got the nurturing and support i needed so, in my mind, little me can move forward w/ confidence. 

that seems strange to write.  altho i've looked confident most of my adult life, i became very good at not acknowledging or not even having fears about whatever endeavor i took on.  hence, many solo road trips to mexico which people raised their eyebrows at, voicing their own fears for me.  i never took them on and did pretty much whatever i wanted to do.  that began when i moved across the country from my parents' house. 

2 friends had already moved and had asked me to join them.  a new experience, the west coast, living at the edge of the beach, surfers (all this was unicorn land to a midwesterner) and the chance to get out from under the stifling expectations of my folks - yep, i was going to drive 2300 mi. for all that.  my sis didn't want to go, so i was going alone.  the idea never fazed me for a minute.

but it fazed my mom and she begged my sis to go w/ me cuz she was so scared for me to be on the road alone.  it still amazes me how my independent spirit was able to shine once i was out from under their influence - i discovered this when i first went away to college.  my fingernails, which had always been bitten down to the quick were suddenly getting long and strong and beautiful!  i've never bitten my nails since, but it was a discovery to me just how anxious i'd actually been living under their roof. (well, i never bit my nails again, but i discovered a new best friend instead - alcohol)

at any rate, when i look back at the new little me, i'm not frightened and so debilitatingly confused now. i have a creative mind now (wow! that came out of nowhere!  that creativity, or lack thereof, is part of the alexithymia.  it's never been a big part of my mind - like, i never made up stories to tell my girls - didn't have the capacity for that.  the only place i had creativity was as a therapist.  i got very creative when working w/ someone.  whew, but to think of feeling creative when i was 4/5 - nonexistent.  always colored w/in the lines. 

that realization made me feel good right now.

By trying things on their own and exploring their own abilities, they can develop ambition and direction

ambition and direction have been missing from my life.  too floaty, go where the wind blew whatever direction that might be.  no ambition to push myself, make informed choices, decision-making was relegated to 'fly by the seat of my pants' impulsivity, for the most part.  this new little me will be able to think things thru, weigh the pros and cons, go w/ informed choices.  maybe not all at once, but she at least now has the seeds planted for doing so as she gets older.

it's a different world looking thru these eyes now.  i'm feeling more secure about myself and my support system (parents) and am feeling the freedom to be me which i don't remember having while i lived w/ my folks.  i can picture me this way now, and she's smiling rather than anxious and confused.  what a difference.

i just looked up the next level, ages 6-11, but i have some 5-yr. old memories to take care of before i can move on.  one includes my mother, one my father.  those need to be settled first.  so, onward.

Recovery Journals / Re: Armee's Journal - A New Chapter
« on: December 04, 2022, 04:21:20 PM »

you're showing so much courage and determination in tackling this beast head on, armee, and kudos to you for that.  :applause: i completely understand the idea of putting ourselves into the middle of it in order to face it head on and what that can mean for us in the aftermath, but i think it's brilliant you gave yourself the idea of how it's ok to be scared and triggered which made it less so.  inspiring, my dear. 

keep up the good fight, ok?  we're tougher than this beast.  warriors thru and thru!  love and a hug full of 'you go, girl!' :hug:  (i know that's probably out of date, but so am i so idon't care and you get the idea so it's all good! :bigwink:)

Recovery Journals / Re: Accepting Myself
« on: December 04, 2022, 04:13:25 PM »
I think it is wonderful that you are trying to focus more on your healing, it's so important and I totally agree that this is "a contribution to society" in itself.

i agree w/ M&H about your healing and its importance not only in and for your life but in a worldview.  there is nothing better we can give society than the best version of ourselves, to my mind.  there will always be people who are in the state of mind of helping others, doing for others, taking care of others' needs, but if it's not the right time for you, i'm thinking it's not your job to do, at least not at this point in time.

i really like the ideas you've come up with for your next journal and how they're showing the progress you're making.  well done, blueberry. :thumbup:

sending love and a hug filled w/ continuing progress  :hug:

Recovery Journals / Re: Rainy Journal 2022
« on: December 04, 2022, 04:01:27 PM »
i'll be there with you, too, rainy (i loved blueberry's idea).  once again, you know what you're doing in your job and those kids respond to you, are able to progress w/ you.  hang onto you.  love and hugs :hug:

Recovery Journals / Re: Hope's Journal: 2022
« on: December 04, 2022, 03:58:39 PM »
hi, hope, thinking of you.  sending love and a hug full of care.   :hug:

Recovery Journals / Re: Rainy Journal 2022
« on: December 02, 2022, 05:37:04 PM »
rainy, i agree w/ the idea of them trying to 'put you in your place'.  and i agree w/ you that it's interesting how many people respond w/ takedowns when envy/jealousy is at play in their lives.  again, so very sorry you have to go thru this w/ these people.  there's no rational reason for it, no fault on your part, and no way to fix it, i'm afraid.  keep breathing, ok?  love and a hug full of support and encouragement to keep doing what works for you. :hug:

Recovery Journals / Re: Armee's Journal - A New Chapter
« on: December 02, 2022, 05:32:09 PM »
hey, armee,

i read everything.  the part i found most telling was the new knowledge about trying to beat and claw him off you and how that's manifested itself in your life.  what a great insight for you (or at least that's how it seems to me).

the rest of what happened to you is disgusting, those people, that grandfather, any and every one involved are disgusting.  not you, never you.  to do such things to someone is what true horror stories are made of.  they are real-life monsters. 

i can only imagine how overwhelming it would be to feel that connection for the first time.  i'm not surprised by the triggers and flashbacks popping out at a different time.  thank heaven for your hub - so glad he's been there for you.  thank him for me, ok?

as rocky and difficult as this terrain may be, i want to support and encourage you to keep going.  am right beside you, too.  and, i find it interesting that your T looks like one of the men.  maybe that had something to do w/ having difficulty trusting him for so long.  sending love and a hug full of warm and comfort :hug:

Recovery Journals / Re: Armee's Journal - A New Chapter
« on: December 01, 2022, 04:35:11 PM »
ditto the others, armee. 

as far as writing and worrying about us reading it, we'll stop if it gets to be too much.  this is your journal, and as long as you're putting a trigger warning about it, everyone knows that what's written may be intense and can tread cautiously.  i think the main point is that if it's helpful for you to write it here, then by all means have at it.  there have been many times i've not been able to read something in journals cuz it was too intense for me or too triggering.  nevertheless, i was glad they could write it down, get it out of themselves.

please, do what's best for you.  you take care of you, we'll take care of us, ok?  but, also remember, this is not to pressure you to do anything.  just my thoughts, my opinions.  love and a hug filled w/ self-care. :hug:

Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journal
« on: December 01, 2022, 04:28:58 PM »
hey, PC, i, too, have a stone given to me by a dear friend.  on it she wrote 'trust the magic' and i keep it in a jacket pocket so it's with me when i have to leave the house.  holding it is soothing and comforting.  i get it, and so glad you've got yours.  i like the idea of taking yours to your next infusion.  and i love personal experiments.  hope yours works out well for you.  love and hugs :hug:

Recovery Journals / Re: Accepting Myself
« on: December 01, 2022, 06:32:36 AM »
beautiful image, blueberry.  :cheer:  and onward, rung to rung.  love and hugs :hug:

Recovery Journals / Re: Sage's Journal
« on: November 30, 2022, 04:53:24 PM »
glad to hear that!  love and hugs, CF :hug:

Recovery Journals / Re: Armee's Journal - A New Chapter
« on: November 30, 2022, 04:52:05 PM »
armee, i love that your T recommended you sleep w/ your D a couple times a week as a means of self-care rather than avoidance.  even the simplest things in our lives can be the most helpful.  i also get how writing here can be triggering.  maybe there'll be a time when you can get it down, but if not, no problem - most important is doing what's best for you.  love and hugs, my dear. :hug:

Recovery Journals / Re: the new me
« on: November 30, 2022, 04:48:00 PM »
 :yeahthat:  going thru my own FOO narrative, as much as i focused on one parent, i'm finding the flaws and neglect of the other one as well.  funny how that works.  keep going, ok?  this is tough stuff.  love and hugs :hug:

Recovery Journals / Re: Armee's Journal - A New Chapter
« on: November 30, 2022, 12:23:33 AM »
still w/ you, armee.  may i just sit by your side, maybe some hot cocoa, listen to the silence of the snow coming down?  i'd love to have company for that.  or, if you're not in a snow place, a quiet, gentle rainfall.  and just breathe in nature's bounty for a few minutes.  love and hugs :hug:

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