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Messages - sanmagic7

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1
Neglect/Abandonment / results of my neglect
« on: Today at 01:24:22 PM »
i'm digging into this deeper than i have by writing here.  when i've written about this in my journal, it seemed like i was more distant from it.  here, i'm putting it in my face, looking at it hard and true.  already i can feel my gut roiling up inside me.

i always had food and a roof over my head, 2 parents, so i wasn't neglected that way.  but we weren't taught very much about basic hygiene - baths once a week (and when my sis and i were young, we shared the bathwater, first one, then the other to save money, i guess), and my college roommate taught me about brushing my teeth in the morning to get rid of morning breath.  it was an aunt who bought me my first bra.  i wasn't allowed to shave my legs till i got to high school - until then, i wore knee socks so that i wouldn't be called 'gorilla legs' anymore.

emotionally, my parents didn't know what to do w/ emotions, and i was very sensitive so i had a lot.  but, by the age of 2, from what i understand, my F was very strict w/ me and i can't quite imagine how he must have restricted my spirit, but my M told me before she died that she'd told him to let up on the next baby (my S was born when i was 22 mos. old) and for her to say anything must've meant it was quite bad.  i do know that i lost the capability to feel, recognize, and verbalize what i was feeling until just the past few years.  before that i went into all kinds of situations feeling only curiosity and confusion.

not having access to my feelings (it's called alexithymia, and it was someone on the forum who recognized it for me) meant a life without fear, pain, empathy or compassion (i couldn't relate to how others felt).  someone told me once that i had no compassion, and i hadn't a clue as to what that meant.  my t recently told me to have compassion for my little me, but quite honestly, i don't know exactly what that looks like.  i can feel sorry for myself, but i don't know if that's the same as compassion.  my D2 just told me last week that what my mex. H had said to me was insensitive (which set off all kinds of new triggers, and i'm not talking to him right now, but after she named that, i was able to get mad about it)/  except for her naming that, i would've never thought it or known that's what it was.  nuances escape me.

so, i'm struggling now, desperately.  i can count on one hand how many times i've gotten mad in my life before the age of 65, and those times were only because i'd tolerated so much abuse that the anger exploded out of me like a pressure cooker blowing sky high.  the only emotion i've felt on a regular basis was sadness.  and i'm very sad for what i'm going thru right now.

but throughout my life, confusion reigned, and love.  i know how to love, i feel love all the time, but as for the rest of it, i've been confused.  i floated thru most of my adult life, really not having any idea of what was going on around me.  a friend pointed this out to me once, that i was noticed for how i looked (in a good way) by everyone else, but that i hadn't a clue.  she was right - i never saw myself the way others have.  i just went where the wind took me, like a leaf moving on air currents from here to there to somewhere else.

lately, since i moved in w/ my D#2, who has been kind, gentle, and patient w/ me, and i've eliminated most everyone who has caused me stress in my life, the pain of what i've gone thru, just from this type of neglect and restriction, has made itself known.  i could feel hurt at what people did, but i didn't feel the pain until now, and it's overwhelming me at times.  i'm also scared of feeling more.

my t set an assignment for me to have a funeral for my family (i chose the fam i had w/ my ex and 2 D's) and as i was writing, i felt pain like i've never felt in my life.  it overwhelmed me to the point where i had to stop, move away from it, and come back to it at a later time.  no, emotional pain is brand new to me, and i believe it's been trapped in my body all these years - diagnosed as fibromyalgia.  i truly believe, tho, that all that muscle pain is a result of pushing it into me, absorbing it, instead of allowing it, feeling it, and crying it out.

my gut is balled up right now, and i know this is painful stuff, but i don't feel it like i believe it would be natural to feel.  i may be holding back because of the fear of feeling it now.  i'm not crying, either, so all those toxic tears are staying inside me, too.  i pushed myself to write this here today - honestly, i just want some quality of life, and the way i've been living is not that.  the choices i've made, the abuse i've taken, tolerated, absorbed throughout my life, partners and friends i've allowed, addictions - well, they numbed the pain, didn't they! - all of it is due to emotional neglect.  i'm hating my parents right now (at least that's a feeling).

2
Anniversaries / Re: 5th anniversary of nc w/ my d
« on: Today at 05:29:15 AM »
thank you both, snowdrop and kizzie, for the hugs.  i don't think my new year begins until these 2 dates are past.  so, starting now . . . :hug: :hug:

3
Recovery Journals / Re: stuck stuck stuck
« on: January 25, 2020, 05:47:07 PM »
no, blueberry, i don't feel awful about not reading about others' pain, but thank you for that.  i feel awful cuz i'm now feeling my own pain, and it's horrendous, and to write on other parts of the forum, to get specific about some of those issues, well, i'm afraid of the pain that's going to bring up.  like, to recognize it, give it the weight it deserves, may be too painful to bear.

and thank you for the validation about mex. hub.  i appreciate that so much.  plus, those hugs felt so embracing, and i needed that feeling right now.

this pain thing - i've said i've been in pain before, but couldn't really feel it.  when i did the funeral for my family (ex and daughters) a couple weeks ago, i was grabbed by pain so strong i couldn't believe it!  i've done funerals for people before, but i guess my defenses were too high and hard to actually feel it then.  now, it's coming to the surface, and i can't believe how profound, deep, and all-encompassing it is!  like a huge tidal wave of hurt washing over, around, and through me at the same time.

so, i'm scared of it now, yet i know in the back of my mind that i'll need to push through it and write about some of my stuff in other places on the forum.  i just know how real that's going to make everything, in a very different way, and the pain attached to it is going to hurt so much.  dang, i've been defended w/in myself for so long, i didn't realize the extent of this.

but not today.  this was a big enough step for today.  i went to the ocean this morning, very rough and tumble waves, stood on the beach watching them.  it was a time for leaving things behind, letting the waves take this crapola from me.  a couple times they were so huge and gruff, and the tide was coming in, that watching them made it feel like they were going to keep coming and take me into the sea with them.  it was a strange feeling, a bit scary, but wondrous at the same time.  i let some of my gunk out and let the waves take that instead.  for a moment . . . but it was only for a moment, and i let it go.  i still have work to do.

4
Recovery Journals / Re: stuck stuck stuck
« on: January 25, 2020, 04:20:55 PM »
glancing thru the forum, i've noticed a couple times now that there are so many different places i could be writing about what's going on with me, but i've rarely used anything but my journal.  one thought flitted thru my brain just now - pain.  i'm only just becoming aware of how much pain i'm in, am holding in my body - the last funeral i did showed me some of that - and i think i'm scared of it.  the pain was so much that i had to take a break, do something else for about an hour before i could go back and finish the funeral.

i have more to do, i know that, but i'm scared.  and i'm scared/anxious to write in any of the other categories specific to what i'm going thru.  this is a new realization for me, but i guess it needs to come out or i wouldn't be writing about it here.  i know that at this time, i'm too fragile to read about the pain of others either.  crapola!  i feel awful.

i wrote to my mex. hub, told him that i'm working on all this stuff, all the triggers that got set off when he told me about his experiment w/ viagra, but that my t was gone till march, and it was upsetting me just to write that to him, so i sent just that.  this is the second day i've felt depressed, which i haven't felt in a long time.  then i was looking up acronyms, and found FOG - fear, obligation, guilt - and i believe that's what i'm feeling by cutting off talking to him.  he's just lost 2 jobs in 6 mos., not thru his own fault, and i know that talking to me, hearing my voice, was often what got him thru the hard times.

so, i've taken my voice away from him now, and i know that's hurting him terribly, and i feel awful about that.  i know people were glad to hear that i cut off communication w/ him, had opinions about him, but it's just more pain now.  i don't know if i'm doing the right thing - he's basically a good guy, just doesn't have much of a clue, and i keep telling myself this is a good thing.  but it feels horrible.

5
Anniversaries / Re: 5th anniversary of nc w/ my d
« on: January 25, 2020, 04:07:29 PM »
i just had to write something here, because the last post was on the birthday of my ex, and i didn't want to see that date every time i looked around the forum.

even this is a trigger.

6
Recovery Journals / Re: Snowdrop's journal
« on: January 24, 2020, 05:27:10 PM »
no advice or suggestions, just know that i'm with you and wishing you the best with all this.  i guess sometimes, while those challenges are just that, a challenge, they can, as you say, lead us to something different, something more positive.  love and hugs,  :hug:

7
Recovery Journals / Re: Stutter - Deep Blue
« on: January 24, 2020, 05:09:10 AM »
hope you made it thru the day ok today.  hang tough, db.  sometimes that's all we can do, but sometimes that's really a lot!  love and hugs :hug:

8
Anniversaries / Re: 5th anniversary of nc w/ my d
« on: January 23, 2020, 08:30:36 PM »
hey, phoebes,

no, you're absolutely not alone.  your words ' i spent my whole life's energy and soul trying and hoping and loving someone who i didn't understand would never truly love me back - yeah, exactly.  i did feel like a chump for quite a while, but my d#2 helped by telling me that she dealt w/ her sister by knowing that her sister has had every chance - therapy since she was 7, off and on for nearly her entire life - to change, to make different choices, but she refuses.  it's ultimately on her.  that helped a lot.

and, then i think of all the people here who have had horrible experiences, have been traumatized, injured, wounded on many, many levels, and they have chosen to be kind and generous and compassionate.  these are now the people i choose to be around (even if it is only virtually), but it's because of the outcomes of their choices.  your M has had the same choices to make all her life, yet she chose to be the way she is instead of the way she  could be.  we are not the chumps - we were taken in, but we learned.

so congrats to you for choosing a different kind of life, a different way to treat others.  it is a hard position to be in.  and i support you in your decision, too, as difficult as it may be, not only to make but to maintain. 

hugs, to my mind, are always ok.  sending you love and a hug filled w/ support and assistance to get through these tough times. :hug:

9
Recovery Journals / Re: stuck stuck stuck
« on: January 23, 2020, 02:17:49 PM »
i was thinking about all the struggling i've been doing since this past sept., wondering why my stuff has come up and hit me in the face so hard that i couldn't recover when i was doing my own work on myself, and was getting deeper into the abyss instead of feeling like i was doing more than simply keeping my head above water, to the point where i'm relying on meds most every day now - what came to me was that i've been in such a healthy environment for over a year and a half, and i think the lack of stress has allowed this stuff to bubble up. 

i mean, in a little over 2 yrs, i went from physically fighting cancer in mex., where it had gotten to the point that i was losing strength and energy daily, and the massive heat kept me indoors for the majority of the year, all the while squabbling every day w/ my hub and toxic relationships w/ friends and family to living w/ my d, being cared for and about with kindness and generosity, and being surrounded by nature of the highest quality.  wow!  an absolute breeding ground for all those demons to come roaring through cuz they weren't being distracted from, denied, or pushed away by continual chronic stress.

they now had found room to breathe, and decided all at once not to take a back seat in my life, cuz there was space for them and they could show their ugly faces en masse.  i don't know if this is how it works in reality, but it feels like it could be real for me.  guess i'll just push on, make it from day to day.  i really do miss seeing my t every week, tho - it didn't take long to depend on those weekly meetings - and she won't be back till march.  i've got 2 interim appts. w/ someone else, and it'll feel good to touch base w/ someone, i hope, just for stability's sake.  that doesn't happen till next month, tho, so i'm still struggling w/ this on my own and a bit of help from chemistry.

i'm so grateful i have this place to spew - it really helps.

10
Recovery Journals / Re: Sceal's third journal
« on: January 23, 2020, 01:58:24 PM »
hey, sceal,

as a t myself, i understand how your lady t could say you've had an impact on her life and mean it.  we see clients continue on thru their struggles, deal with sometimes immense amounts of pain, and manage to continue living life even amidst a torrent of emotional upheaval.  we see them persevere during the darkest of times, battling demons of mighty proportions.  it is a profound experience for a t, and we can garner strength and resilience from watching how our clients keep on keepin' on.  we also learn so much about different perspectives, ways to cope, and meanings for behaviors, which in turn can help us become better at not only our professions but our own lives.  absolutely they can have an impact on us! 

i hope you can un-spin, and those knots untangle.  love you, sweet sceal.   :hug:


11
Anniversaries / Re: 5th anniversary of nc w/ my d
« on: January 23, 2020, 01:43:49 PM »
the tears finally came last nite.  just tears filled w/ pain.  i'm very sad again today, as it's my ex's b-day, and i went nc w/ him as well, after knowing him and being in each other's lives for over 50 yrs.  he and my nc d worked on me at the same time - she's over 40  - and my heart is pounding right now thinking of how damaged i am, how many years this has gone on with the two of them together.  they feed each other in a cruel dance, have done so most of her life. 

my heart wants to jump our of my body, - i'm in a lot of pain. i'm a ball of negativity.  time for some self-care. 

12
Anniversaries / Re: 5th anniversary of nc w/ my d
« on: January 23, 2020, 04:43:54 AM »
thank you notalone - your hugs mean such a lot to me. 

i did get a chance to cry a little today, but my sadness runs so deep.  this has been decades and decades until i finally threw in the towel.  she helped break me twice, and has no remorse.  i love her, she has a place in my heart, but i don't have any idea what could possibly fix this - she is one person i have definitely learned cannot, under any circumstances, be trusted.  that breaks my heart to know that, but it truly is my reality. 

tonite it's kind of hitting me more than today, and i'll probably be a real mess tomorrow, but i can take the day off and just be.  i want to weep but the tears are stuck.  maybe tomorrow i'll have some time and space, or maybe it'll all stay stuck.  i'm so tired right now i don't care - don't have the energy to cry over her, over the situation.  i just know it hurts.

13
Anniversaries / Re: 5th anniversary of nc w/ my d
« on: January 22, 2020, 10:51:40 PM »
thanks so much, snowdrop.  i'm taking it all in.  i've been so busy today, i think i'm numb.  i know logically how horrible i must feel, but i can't feel it.  but, i so much appreciate your oodles - love that word!   :hug:

14
Anniversaries / Re: 5th anniversary of nc w/ my d
« on: January 22, 2020, 07:12:06 PM »
bb, your hugs helped a lot. ems is helping to hold me up, to make it thru today as i have editing work to do, so i don't really have a chance yet to feel the full impact.  i know it's there, it keeps trying to seep in, but i keep pushing it away.  i have to get this work done.  being messy is for later.  but, thank you so much for this. :hug:

patticake, thank you for your encouragement.  i'm glad you have hope  - keep going for it!  i have none any more.  even recent communication from her w/ my d#2 showed there is no change at all, no hope for it.  i don't have the energy anymore to put toward hope - i already spent a lifetime on it.  my focus needs to be elsewhere now.  thank you for keeping me close to your heart.  i truly appreciate that.   :hug:

15
Anniversaries / 5th anniversary of nc w/ my d
« on: January 22, 2020, 05:00:15 PM »
my heart can never heal from this.  i have no words.

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