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Messages - caroline

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Hi, sorry to drag this up but I have been watching this in bits as I can manage them. Thanks for this warning :hug:

Sexual Abuse / Re: Very scared/been told some horrible things/FOO/CSA
« on: November 25, 2019, 02:47:18 AM »
Just wanted to say thanks to everyone here, you folks are all awesome. Stuff is still all over the place but I feel more in control of it now. I am still having the flashback/faint/throw-up thing, but now i'm not throwing up so much.  Still waiting on the appointment but my gp is now well aware as I flashbacked/fainted against his table and I seriously thought I had broken my nose. It was so cringeworthy but everyone I trust told me it's a good thing. I really just hate all of this!!  Thank you all for putting up with my stuff, sorry I don't contribute to the group more. Cxx

Sexual Abuse / Re: Very scared/been told some horrible things/FOO/CSA
« on: September 15, 2019, 11:41:34 PM »
Hi folks, I guess I just need somewhere to share again.

I am trying so hard to be normal but i have been reckless with cider and some 'street drugs' since I last posted. I turned 40 and went a bit mad. Twice.  I think i am back out of it now (i've never been addicted to anything apart from the staying till the end of the party before) so now trying to pick up the different bits of myself since all this came out. 

It's strange, I always knew there was abuse, but never had the horrible feeling i have now, like it could be anyone and I wouldn't know. Finding myself feeling really hateful things towards old men on buses etc for NO REASON!

Thank you for listening to me xx

Sexual Abuse / Re: Very scared/been told some horrible things/FOO/CSA
« on: August 09, 2019, 12:44:14 AM »

Sexual Abuse / Re: Very scared/been told some horrible things/FOO/CSA
« on: August 08, 2019, 10:30:03 PM »
Thank you everyone so much.

I found out 2 weeks ago that my much older half sister, who was involved died 2 years ago.  My main abuser at age 70 has a 'wife and young family'.  The police are aware.

I knew things were bad. I just didnt know how bad.

I am fighting hard to keep normal life going, i am 40 in a couple of weeks. It all seems so strange.

Thank you all xx

Neglect/Abandonment / Re: Witholding opportunities
« on: July 17, 2019, 01:53:46 AM »
I really relate to this. If I were near you I would be at your performances  :cheer: xx

Sexual Abuse / Re: Very scared/been told some horrible things/FOO/CSA
« on: July 16, 2019, 12:33:32 AM »
Hi, it's been a while. 

I have been speaking with a different T, i paid for 6 session 3 weeks apart cos it is all I can afford. Back on the NHS list for now.

I have been having some really terrible memories come back to me as flashbacks.  For the last few months I have been having this weird pattern. Flashback, then fainting, then throwing up. I have been at minor injuries 3 times recently with concussion x 2 and knee injury from the falling.

I've been referred to a Neuro-psychiatrist. Not had the energy to look it up much but seems to be about finding out why i am falling/fainting.  I personally think it is my brain/mind just shutting off because it can't handle seeing/feeling the memory.

Thanks for the support and being here x

I am no contact just now apart from with my sister. I'm not sure how but lots of stories are coming out now from cousins/nephews/necies etc.

I * hate all this, i just feel tired of it all

Sexual Abuse / Re: Very scared/been told some horrible things/FOO/CSA
« on: March 06, 2019, 10:43:32 PM »
Thank you. The inner critic is very loud just now but at least now i know what it is and that i don't have to beleive everything i think.

The MH nurse seemed more like she was trying to get me to think that there was some mistake, my sister got it wrong, i didn't understand, obvioulsy under a lot of stress etc. like she didn't think it was possible. I have "PTSD-complex trauma" as a diagnosis but not sure she even looked or if i even mentioned it.

I see my old therapist tomorrow, but it's a one off until i get back on the waiting list to have another 'round' of therapy. I already had more sessions than the NHS says i am allowed in one go. I just want her to give me a hug. sounds pretty pathetic to even say it. But somehow i would never even think that if someone else said it to me.


Sexual Abuse / Re: Very scared/been told some horrible things/FOO/CSA
« on: February 26, 2019, 10:33:22 PM »
so an update of sorts.

I saw the MH nurse, while she was kind, she couldn't really help me. She said to make another appointment with her but could only really offer support by printing out grounding techniques/helplines etc. I have them all already. Plus, i just felt like she didn't really know what to say to me.

My friend was amazing and supportive (she already knew alot of stuff before this)  She helped me feel less disgusting and ashamed.

My old therapist is on holiday atm but she has a email to say i called and could she make time for a call when she is back.

I am trying to just keep going. still got some time on my sick leave but dont know what to do with it. I've been sleeping a lot, using my PRN meds to keep me calm too much. Nightmares have gone crazy even though i am still taking the prazosin. Dreams i haven't had for a very long time, so long i forgot about them until it happened again. 

I think i know more what they are about now, which is worse that i had imagined when i last had those dreams.  I don't know who to tell about it though cos there is so much shame and hurt involved.

I did manage a bike ride the other day and it felt good being out in the sun.  I have an adult ed class tomorrow that i HAVE TO GO TO, or I might get kicked out for not showing up enough.

There are so many questions and it makes my head hurt to have them all pinging about.

Thank you all x

Sexual Abuse / Re: Very scared/been told some horrible things/FOO/CSA
« on: February 22, 2019, 12:37:00 AM »
Thank you all so much.  l have phoned and left a message for my old therapist. I have a appointment with the mental health nurse based at my gp surgery for tomorrow. I don't know how to say the words for how I feel/am though. Maybe i will write it down and just hand it to her and run. I have gotten in touch with a friend who is free tomorrow afternoon and she is going to meet me after my appointment tomorrow.

I don't think my sister will talk if someone else is there. I can ask but I don't think she wants anyone else to hear anything.

I i just wrote the word tomorrow about 50 times..again, thank you for the support. I'm a bit usless at this forum stuff (forgetting to reply etc) but you are all so amazing with each other it made me feel i could say this here. Thamk you

Sexual Abuse / Re: Very scared/been told some horrible things/FOO/CSA
« on: February 21, 2019, 12:18:55 AM »
thank you both. I have been asleep or dazed since i heard this. I am now off work for a couple of weeks cos i am struggling to just get up.  The worst bit seems to be that i remember then forget again. Then remember again.

I am struggling. I am going to call the therapist i was seeing. Can't believe the sessions ended just a couple of weeks before i heard this.

I am meeting my sister next week to have a talk. Don't know how i am gonna cope but i have so many questions.

C x

Sexual Abuse / Very scared/been told some horrible things/FOO/CSA
« on: February 13, 2019, 11:36:00 PM »
I have found out terrible things, part of me thinks nononononono, but part of me thinks it makes more sense than anything i ever could have made up.

my mother and (in a very complicated way) half sister (but an adult at the time) sold me when i was little. My sister has told me that i was on the contraceptive pill from at least 9 years old. I didn't start my period till I was at least13, i remember it!

Can this be possible? How can i not remeber any of it, i am scared because i don't think my sister would make this up.

I know there was a lot of abuse and neglect, all through the family/friends of family, but to here it said like it was like, organised, * *.


Sexual Abuse / Why do I feel guilt/shame? Logic versus emotion
« on: October 15, 2018, 11:45:43 PM »
Why do I feel so ashamed about/guilty about the abuse?

Trying to work through some stuff and am wondering how I managed to take the 'blame' when I would never think that way about someone else who had had those sorts of experiences.

I am supposed to be being more compassionate for/to myself but I am really struggling with how to do that.

Thank you for listening x

Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: The police called today
« on: August 10, 2018, 11:55:38 PM »
How can he still be alive???? I wish he had just been dead and i wouldn't have to think about all this.

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