Messages

Pam, I am right there with you.  These steps are foreign to me.  The "present" does NOT feel safe to me.  I guess we all heal at different rates.  Hope you come to a better place soon. 

I so understand about the doctors.  I watched so many doctors drop the ball when it came to my Dad's care. 

Hugs to you.

KAF - Yes!  This happens to me even when reading posts on this forum.  I can only read a little at a time and then stop.  Usually I play a game or two online and then come back to the forum or info on CPTSD.   Wow, I thought it was only me that felt this way. 

Oh my goodness, Emotion Overload, I am in exactly the same place you are.  I am so sorry for you, but I hope therapy went well and helped you.  When I am in this mode, it only makes me feel worse about myself.  The one thing I do is write down on my calendar every little thing I accomplish for that day.  Then when I look back over the week before I can see that I was not completely "lazy" as some would say.  Some days I can do more than others.  Do you ever think back to the times when you were so busy and you wonder how you accomplished everything?  I do that when remembering taking care of my children when they were home, or when I remember taking care of my parents.  It exhausts me to even think about doing that much again.   

So yes, I am not much interested at this point in trying to analyze or work on my problems.  Maybe it is because the trauma is still so fresh for me. 

Badmemories, I see that you make lists also.  It does help.  And chocolate for sure!!

Hugs to you Glenna and so glad the anxiety is easing a bit.  I understand about not being able to write the bad stuff down.  I have never been able to do that.  Hope you can get back to your regular writing and write about things that make you happy and calm.  I am so sorry for the loss of your ex-husband. 

Thank you all for the warm wecome!!  It is so comforting that you  "get it".  It is also very sad that we are going through this. 

Kizzie, you hit the nail on the head with your description of taking care of elderly parents.  It is definitely retraumatizing.   Most of those years of taking care of my parents were just me.  Not a lot of support from older brother and younger sister.  They live out of town, but I had to beg them to help me.  It was only in the last year or so that my sister finally started realizing the disorders my mother had.  I actually had a breakdown when my mom accused me of killing my dad.  He died from lymphoma complicated by blood sepsia(?) and Hep C.  At some point I just gave up and my sister did step in for a bit.  She got better at helping and hired some caregivers for mom.  Brother did not get better at helping.  We siblings have not had much contact in recent months.  This whole ordeal has torn the family apart.  The parents are gone, but the damage lives on.   I have not had the strength to go to the doctor yet.  Have had bad experiences in the past with doctors.  I know I need therapy and I hope to do that soon if my husband gets a better job. 

Badmemories,  so glad you are coming out of the hole of depression.  I have been in that black hole so many times and each time it feels like I won't make it out.  But I always do, so that is encouraging. 

Butterfly, that is a great idea about how to handle the grocery store.  Yes, whatever works for you personally and nobody should judge.  I have been told I am in la la land when I am out in public.  I see nobody.  I try to just tune out what is going on around me and concentrate on getting the job done quickly so I can leave.  That is wonderful that you can do volunteer work.  I would like to try that someday. 

Thank you again everyone and have a wonderful day!

First, please understand that my username does not reflect my current status.  It is a state of being that I truly would like to reach, though.  Ironically, my parents gave me a name that means "Pure Joy".  But my life with them was anything but joy.  My mother recently passed away and was diagnosed with BPD (and other PDs) only two weeks  before her death.  My sister and I had already known in our hearts and minds that she had severe problems.  I was the scapegoat in my family all my life (almost 60 years old).  My older brother and sister have alternated being the golden child.  My dad was the enabler and mostly just ignored us kids and tried to stay out of my mother's wrath.  He passed away 3 years ago, and had in more recent years  tried very hard to connect with us kids.  It made a huge difference in how I viewed him and related with him, and now I miss him so much. 

My heart goes out to each of you suffering CPTSD and I pray we all can recover.  As the definition of CPTSD indicates, my problems are the build up of a lifetime of traumas.  Most of the time I am so overwhelmed by which fire to put out that I retreat and basically cover my head. 

I was caregiver to my parents for the last 6 years and it has taken a toll on me that I never dreamed would happen.  I have mostly shut down, only going to the grocery store and post office (with terrible dread) when I absolutely have to.  It takes me days to get the courage to get ready and get out the door.  If my husband is home to go with me, it is much easier, but still a dreaded chore.  I am pretty terrified of most people, including my oldest daughter and my sister.

Well, I didn't mean to ramble on.  I am so grateful for this site and again I thank you Kizzie.  I hope everyone has a good day and a victorious one making progress toward healing.

Hi Kizzie,

Thank you so much for having the strength, courage, and compassion to start up this forum.  I look forward to reading and learning from the facts, tools, and ideas posted here that will help me to be on my way to healing.  And the validation this site gives is the heart of hope!   At this moment, I am so overwhelmed with issues and depression that I don't think I can even go to the introduction page and properly tell my story.  I  hope to do that within a few days, if that is okay.  Again, thank you!