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In my family of origin, I was the scapegoat. It started very young, and I have forever been asking 'why?' I still want answers and accountability, but, since that won't happen, I went no contact years ago.

I got triggered again. My romantic partner is out of state, helping his mother move. He was gone for two weeks... now three, going on four. His mother is alone in this process, and since he is the homemaker in our relationship, she begged him to come help her. His aunt first flew him out to a funeral and then to his mother's. I will pay for his return flight. I'm ok with this.

Every time he asks for more time, I've said yes. He still needs to sell his junker car and help her pack. Last night, he said it will be at least a week before he'll be done. I asked if he was helping to repair the house, and he explained that the packing is done and his mother has hired professionals to repair the house before she sells it. She wants him to chop up several piles of wood. That's it.

And this triggered heinous emotional flashbacks to when I was still in contact with my family. I was the scapegoat for my narcissistic father.  I always got blamed for everything and ripped to sheds for petty reasons. If I stood up to my father or protested the abuse, I would be dismissed for being a rageful *.

At the same time, my mother and siblings constantly asked for help with money, assets, and professional services. They'd act grateful after each gift, but then always ask for just a little bit more. And I'd give a little more, because that little bit wasn't much, but then something in their mask would slip. I'd find out that their situation was not that bad and they knew that my gifts were a sacrifice for me, but they kept digging and digging for more. Or sometimes they'd abuse our devalue the gift, throw it out, or hurt me in some passive aggressive way.

But when I said 'no' and confronted them on their lies our ingratitude, I'd get the familial tight-lipped disdainful stare as though I had just thrown * at a baby. Then I'd be yelled at or coldly ignored and told I was 'selfish.'

I'd be left standing there in disbelief at how everything I had given, despite how much they had begged and sobbed to get it, was completely forgotten and devalued.

And the passive-aggressive nastiness continued, but it was hard to catch them. Incredibly thoughtless coincidences would happen, but I'd get gaslighted and told I was egotistical to think that a coincidence was really about hurting me.

Then, a few years ago, my brother came to me and admitted that because of a threat I had made when I was in second grade, and because a shared friend in middle school had stopped playing with him, he did hate me and had spent his entire life trying to hurt me in any way he could. He even befriended an ex of mine who I had dumped for attempting to forcibly sodomize a woman. That ex eventually victimized my brother's girlfriend.

The bizarrely petty reasons for my brother's intense loathing were startling. I'd apologized for those transgressions many times as a child. It hit me that, yes, I was indeed the scapegoat. All but one of my family members had followed the same pattern of begging for help, and then bleeding me dry with minute requests, getting furious and condescending when I finally cut them off, and still, no matter how much I gave them, they would exact the most incredibly vicious punishments on me. One sister intentionally sought out and dated a guy who had cheated on me.

Unfortunately, most of my romantic relationships before have ended because the person did the same damned thing. Little requests, smiling gratitude, and when I finally cut them off, they'd rage and insult me.

And I would always be put into they situation where I had no choice but to be the 'bad guy' who cut them off. Two brief exes lost their jobs soon after we agreed to date steadily. They begged me to pay their bills just until they got a job... but they never did try, though they faked it. When I finally said 'no,' I got sobbing fury of "Oh you're so selfish! I don't have a job! I can't pay it. How could you do this to me?!"

No good deed went unpunished. I'm finally in a good relationship, but his staying to help his mother do petty chores and sell his car for a few hundred dollars was a huge trigger. I sobbed all last night.

He reacted very kindly and apologized for not better planning his trip and for triggering me. I want him home, but in my triggered state, I know I would be paranoid and projecting my rage at my past abusers on someone who isn't trying to abuse.

I'm furious at my family of origin. Why was I the scapegoat? Why was I singled out, used, blamed, guilted, emotionally battered, manipulated, and lied to? What did that achieve for them?

I am in so much pain and don't I know how to stop the flashback without expressing rage at the wrong person.

I'm going to see my usual therapist again soon, probably Monday, if she's available. She's good for making me feel that my emotions are valid and my pain is real.

I wish you luck in seeing a new one. It's like finding a glove that fits. Most therapists are helpful, but only to those who are a good fit.  A glove that's too large is still a perfectly good glove, but it will only hinder you.

Please keep that in mind. It's ok to not feel a good fit with a therapist. They don't have to be 'bad' for you to keep shopping for a more compatible therapist.

(I'm just bringing this up because I've stayed with incompatible therapists because they weren't bad, but they weren't helping as much as others could. )

I've been thinking this all through some more.  I suspect I am feeling vulnerable and rejected to an unreasonable degree. And for some reason, I've been triggered yesterday to a near-panic stage.

I need to take ownership of the fact that I made a poor decision to offer sex when I am intoxicated. I haven't hurt him, but he's right, I really could.

(As an aside, yes, we have a very thorough safety system including safe words, tap out, gestures, and, because we are poly, we have a third person in the house who makes sure to keep an ear alert for any sounds of distress. I also have a first aid and CPR certification. I have no interest in harming anyone.)

I think I'm feeling rejected and vulnerable because I already feel a great deal of shame and guilt when I drink.  Being rejected by someone else because I have been drinking is just confirming and compounding the shame.

I'm frustrated with the alcohol issue because i don't like to drink at all.  I had hopes that switching SSRIs would allow me to feel pleasure when enjoying any hobby or activity, but it hasn't helped yet. I feel no joy in any of my former interests, and that numbness is debilitating. Alcohol gives me a brief sense of pleasure. It's a wretched and dangerous form of self-medication. I resent feeling desperate enough to resort to alcohol to feel good, and I resent being rejected because of the alcohol.

I'm looking back at my family of origin and trying to figure out where this ridiculous sense of vulnerability and rejection came to be.

That's where I'm at now.

My boyfriend doesn't return for another week, and in trying to get myself figured out before he returns. I not want to project my shame on to him.

I still don't know what to do about our trust issues.

Being a sadist who dates a light masochist is difficult. There's shame there and a sense of rejection, despite the fact that is just a difference in our preferences and does not reflect on me personally.

He is a very submissive and kind person. That aspect of our relationship is very compatible, and we work very hard to communicate openly and respectfully.

But geez I don't know what to do about the sexual incompatibility. We aren't open poly, so we don't want to find external partners. We could seek new people to being into the household, but that would take a great deal of time, and that all wouldn't address the rift between my submissive and I.

I'm not a boundary pusher when it comes to sadomasochism. I have a great abhorrence of giving unwanted pain and I don't even like to get close to someone's limits. This is also why I am so mortified by his telling me his fears. This means he doesn't trust my intent to do no harm, and that really hurts. I view pain as just another sensation to provide an eager loved one. And like any sensation, people have preferences in what they like. He's basically afraid I will cross his boundaries without his consent. That's horrifying thing for a loved one to admit; that they fear you will sexually assault them. 

This is why I much prefer to be in sexual relationships with heavy masochists. They are excited by the prospect of my providing pain. Unfortunately, I'm a light to moderate sadist, so heavy masochists feel unsatisfied in my limited interests.

I'm terrified of being an abuser. It's my greatest fear to become my father, who is now a collapsed narcissist, alone and bitter. My last ex used that against me and in a smear campaign when I dumped her. I am so terrified of harming someone unintentionally and not being told about it until much later.

The fact that he's afraid I might do so is a nightmare realized.

So I'm back to doing more research on being am adult child of a narcissist. I need to work on me and to combat this sense of shame. My orientation and sexual partiality are valid, and I need to learn to love and trust myself. Clearly, I don't.

My partner is out of town, deadlines at work are looming, I'm ridiculously upset at myself because of a request from my partner, I'm in the middle of switching SSRIs, my work computer has me locked out, the weather is incredibly icy and dangerous, I have a headache, and to top it all off, my pet had a still birth and seems very depressed. Her ears are tucked far back and she is sitting in a corner constantly.

I had a nervous breakdown last October and I haven't gotten back up. I am deeply depressed and easily triggered to feeling very badly about myself. I have to fight to keep from withdrawing from people, and it isn't working. I go to work, come home, and go to bed and read our play computer games. I take sleeping pills to end the day sooner. It's tempting to drink away my pain, but that just gives me a headache.

I am not moving forward!

I am not in a good place right now.

A month ago, my boyfriend turned down sex after I had a glass and a half of wine. He explained that he didn't like the disconnect that alcohol use causes and that it had scared him the last few times we had sex after two drinks and I had been rough.

I respect his right to refuse sex at any time and to establish any boundaries he likes. That isn't an issue.

His explanation was a huge trigger for me. The part that bugged me most was that he said he felt that I had been behaving too rough before... and he had not brought it up before this. I am just mortified. At the time, he seemed to be having a great time, and he thanked me for the intimacy during and afterwards. Now I find out that he felt that I had been too rough.

I asked him about what exactly he didn't enjoy, and he somewhat back-pedaled and said that I hadn't hurt him and that he liked what I did, but he was scared the entire time because he was afraid my being intoxicated would induce me to not respect boundaries.

This explanation didn't help. When I had thought we were mutually enjoying intimacy, my beloved had been reluctantly have sex with a person he was afraid would abuse him.

I am now awash in guilt, shame, resentment, and fear. The resentment and fear are due in large part because he has been apparently feeling this way and enduring those interactions for over a year, but he didn't interrupt those previous acts to say anything, he didn't say anything the next day, and I had no idea how worried and uncomfortable he was.

He keeps assuring me that I didn't do any act during sex that he didn't enjoy, but he's afraid I will if I drink first. He said that his father used to drink and would show up in his room and just ramble for hours and refuse to leave. He now has a dislike and distrust of people when they have been drinking.

All this makes sense and his boundary is perfectly reasonable.

But I haven't offered or accepted a solicitation for sex in over a month, and I don't foresee that changing anytime soon. He's upset by my reaction and feels badly for having upset me. He has apologized repeatedly, which makes me feel worse because his new boundary is perfectly reasonable.

The problem is that I don't feel I can trust him to be honest with me during sex if something bothers him. I don't feel comfortable doing anything remotely kinky or dominant because I don't know if later... maybe another year later, he will tell me how he was smiling at the time but really was secretly counting the seconds for it to end.

I don't even feel any interest in vanilla sex. I'm a lifestyle Domme and a consensual-only-sadist. I am aroused by the response of those to whom I give pain. He knew this from the moment we met and expressed great delight in being with me. He says he is a moderate masochist and has been expressing great interest in experimenting with new and more extreme things. But that sure isn't going to happen. I don't understand why he even wants to have sex with a sadist he doesn't trust to respect his boundaries, despite the fact that he says I haven't hurt him as he feared. And to me, resorting to just the basic sex act that I find very disinteresting, because I don't trust him, is not a positive reason to have any form of intimacy.

And to compound the problem, I am on anti-depressants and a birth control that have killed my physical sex drive. Thus far, only alcohol has made me feel libidinous. So in a pathetic and unreasonable way, it feels like he wants to have sex when he's horny, but it doesn't matter that I'm not. In fact, he doesn't want to have sex with me when I am aroused, because that requires a little booze.

Alcoholism runs in my family, I know. Maybe I am one? I drink once or twice a week and certainly not enough to black out our be staggeringly drunk. But whether I am an alcoholic or not, it doesn't matter; I feel like a scorned drunkard.

He says he loves and respects me, and I correct him, "You love me, but you don't respect me. I don't respect me either at this time. I unwittingly subjected you to unpleasant sex and didn't pick up on it when I should have. I abused you. I am a drunken abuser. My kind of people aren't respectable."

I don't know how to get past this. I am so upset with myself. I am in the process of withdrawing from one SSRI to ramp up on another, in hopes it will help my depression and lack of libido.

Maybe it will help. I'm just so low right now.

We usually have a very calm and contented relationship, and I certainly am not hysterical. I don't know how to talk to him about this more. I don't see a solution. I don't want to have sex with him when on alcohol. I don't want to have any kind of sex other than enthusiastically appreciated sex. I will hopefully fix my libido issues with the med change. It's helping some already, but I just don't want to be sexual with him, given what's happened.

I'm sure this goes back to my feelings of inadequacy because of my NPD father's abusive behavior. It also isn't helped by the BPD ex who intentionally got me drunk (adding hard liquor to wine) and then solicited me for sex because of my low libido. I don't trust people to be honest anymore.

I never want to harm people I love, but apparently I did. This is one of my greatest fears realized. I'm certainly not going to inflict my horrible personage on him again. I hope we can find an arrangement that works. Maybe we'll rebuild the trust somehow. Maybe we'll find outside partners.

I can only work harder on myself and try to talk this out with him. This is a really disappointing setback. I hate being triggered and I hate CPTSD. I trust no one, particularly when it comes to sex.

Yesterday, I asked my romantic partner if he would like to have sex. He happily accepted, and said, "I would love to. Could we cuddle for a little while first and watch a TV episode first? I just got out of a very hot shower and I feel all noodly and weak."

It was a perfectly reasonable request, and I know that very long hot showers have that effect on him. But I felt an overwhelming sense of shame and sadness at his request. It pulled me back to how my sexual interests were the butt of jokes and cause of worry or scorn by my family and society in general. I hurt so much at the memories.

I agreed, and we cuddled, but when he asked if I would like him to prepare his bedroom for intimacy, I told him that I was feeling very fragile and depressed and that the mood had passed. He was very disappointed and apologized for his actions. I explained that he did nothing offensive and that I had been triggered and was experiencing flashbacks.

He held me as I cried and promised his love and support.

I deeply appreciate his kindness, and we discussed how we might avoid such a trigger while still allowing for delays or more pressing priorities.

It was a good moment of growth in our relationship. I am fortunate to be in a healthy relationship.

But I am very frustrated at the deeply embedded shame I still feel. My family if origin made me a black sheep and happily dumped on me. My having alternative sexual interests just further confirmed their scorn.

I am have been no contact with my FOO for about a year now, which has helped greatly. Even though our abuser is gone, the toxic pool still has no lifeguard. There's a seething resentment that permeates every moment together. It isn't healthy for me to see them.

And still, the shame haunts me. Such little things can trigger me to feel shame for my sexual preferences. This is ridiculous because my interests are not that abnormal, and my partner shares them. I am in a group of friends who all share those interests.

But the shame won't die. I remember being sent to the priest for confessions when my teachers found my doodles or stories. I remember my family turning to me when we were heading to an event and saying, "remember, this is a family event, don't try to sleaze it up." I never had done anything indecent and never even mentioned my interests during events like that, but they still felt a need to tell me that.

When I started dating, I met compatible people, and would take them home for the holidays to meet family. They would ask my partners if I was abusing them or if they needed help escaping.

I am not, nor have I ever been abusive. My family does not understand that I am a lifestyle sadistic dominatrix. The people I dated, if course, we're submissive masochists. Our relationships are not abusive and are very very careful and respectful. Enthusiastic consent is essential at every step, and there are 100s of people looking for Dommes than there are Dommes. But my family won't hear me out. I did my law school thesis on BDSM and the law a decade ago.  I am not an uneducated fan of the 50 Shades of Grey series. This is not a stage, and I love my local communities and friends who are very compassionate, open-minded, and often more extreme than I am. But none of that matters to my FOO. And I hate that this still bugs me.

I feel shamed and constantly await rejection from my loved ones. It overwhelms me so often.

I want to let go of the shame, but setbacks like this remind me that I still have a long way to go.

Psychiatric medication pulled me out of a severe depression that had me bedridden for a year and a half. It took 27 or so different med trials to find a fit, but it was beyond worth it. Of course, because I was at a mental state where I should have been hospitalized, I had little choice.

I like my meds. I have few side-effects, and I feel much better. I am looking to up my meds again, soon. It's not a complete fix, and I hope an adjustment can help.

I must admit to being very frustrated by my depressed friends who refused to be medicated because they were afraid the meds would 'change their personalities.'

That may happen to other people, I don't know, but it sure never happened to me. As I explained to them, the meds affect mood, not personality, so it's still you, but in a much better mood. Even the worst medication matches I tried didn't affect my personality, they were inert with regard to mood.

The thing is, it takes a lot of work to find a good treatment regimen. It takes a while * of a lot of work, and for many people, that's a very effective deterrent. They hide behind fear of the meds when they are really afraid of the often long process of trying meds, experiencing side-effects, changing to a different medication and repeating the process many times before finally getting good treatment. It is a grueling process and can be very stressful.

Also, people fear the gamble of a medical field that has yet to figure out how to test what chemicals our brains need. It's a crap shoot, and that makes the whole process seem even sketchier. Sadly, a good way for psychiatrists to make better educated guesses is to watch for a pattern of side-effects for different people.  "Hey, many of patients who experience mania from Zoloft turn out to be bipolar. So the next patient who has that issue I will recommend bipolar medication..."

The trial and error is necessary, and they may very well be paid off to try you on meds from companies that may be paying them off, but that doesn't mean the medication isn't worth a shot. I went full circle through dozens of meds, starting with popular meds, going through more obscure varieties, and finally finding out that another popular medication set fit me best. They are good places to start.

I won't sugar coat it; trying to find a good med match may take a long time and a lot of bad experiences. It's a poorly understood field of study, and they really are just making educated guesses about what might work...

But it is very worth it to feel happy, calm, and motivated. It is worth the effort to get treatment. 

I am eternally grateful for psychiatric medication. It took 27 trials with different meds before I found the meds I am on now, but because I have severe depression that rendered me bed-ridden for a year and a half, it was a very necessary process. 

I take 30mg Paxil and 200mg Welbutrin daily for depression and Ocella for bad menstrual issues.  The meds I am on now don't have many side-effects, though one is a complete loss of libido. This is really unfortunate and causing a lot of frustration in my romantic life. It is, however, a sacrifice I am willing to make in exchange for being able to get out of bed in the morning.

The meds are not treating my anhedonia. I feel no enjoyment from any activity I used to enjoy. I stopped working towards getting a license for forwarding my career. I am tired and run down, too. I know that the fatigue has improved from what it was at my lowest point, but the disinterest in life has not abated at all.

I have had some success with Zoloft causing a moderate euphoric mania, but I was unable to continue using it as a primary medication because it caused insomnia.

I am currently planning to contact my doctors to obtain a higher dose of my current medications and a small dose of Zoloft to take in the mornings to give me a lift.

Does anyone else have medications they would recommend for the anhedonia?

I was sorting files in my backup system when I found copies of stalking emails my ex sent me over a year ago. I forgot about them and didn't read them through at the time. Now I am in a panic and want to recoil hard from everyone and dump my current partner.

I know my ex is very mentally ill. That is why I dumped them after only a few months.  But they stalked me for over a year, robbed me, vandalized my property, and ran one * of a smear campaign that I was smart enough to never respond to.

But now my brain is in a panic. What if my current partner suddenly becomes just like my ex? What if I really was the horrible person my ex said I was after I dumped them?

My current partner is a ray of sunshine in my life. They treat me very well and I do the same for them. There is no abuse or even much disagreement. No tantrums, no passive-aggression, no manipulation... it feels so right, so happy. And this has been going strong for almost a year now.

What if I am a monster who is as terrible as my ex says people say I am? Who were these invisible and unnamed people they said came out to tell them how horrible I am?

I hadn't dated for ten years before my ex, who on earth would sit on the side line for ten years out of sight only to contact my ex only after I dumped them?

Why did my ex stalk me for over a year after I dumped them after only a two month relationship?

What do I believe?!

Hmm, psychiatric medication has been instantaneously beneficial for me. I went from being bed-ridden with depression to be much happier and functioning in love and at work. Therapy has helped, but that is a slower process. I know that I do not have the resilience to tolerate abusive treatment while I wait for someone to slowly improve through therapy. So if someone was already treated through therapy and did not use medication, that would be fine. It's the abuse or misery of being in the company of someone in a great deal pain that I cannot endure without cycling into depressive episodes.

I doubt that my falling into a lethargic melancholy was very good for my unpleasant romantic relationships.

I was raised with the belief that it is a woman's obligation to tend to the ill and that we should seek out the ill and help them recover. Finally saying "no I deserve a healthy and happy relationship" was just as hard as admitting that I am not a magic fairy who can transform the mentally ill through the power if love. It felt cowardly.

I am dealing with my guilt and shame, which has taken its toll.

My major goal now is to nurture my present healthy and happy relationships and to not feel guilty for not trying to 'save' people who have not even found the strength to help themselves.

(And yes, 'dismiss' means the same thing as 'dump' in my case.)

I have complex PTSD from a dNPD father and am properly medicated for severe depression and GAD.

In short, I am poly and my household is looking to expand. We are in no hurry and are being very careful.

I am feeling guilty about our screening criteria. I am in my 30s and have had numerous relationships over the years. In looking back, I realized that those relationships that ended peacefully and due to incompatibility were those with people who did not have CPTSD, untreated mental illness, or personality disorders.

I am the 'dumper' in every relationship, but only after trying very hard to make the relationship work through healthy communication, compassion, and good listening skills. I am very loving, I am told, and I agree with the assessment. I don't yell, and I try very hard to encourage my partners to grow, achieve goals, and get treatment for any illness. For this reason, my exes were all 'surprised' when I would end the relationship. This flabbergasted me because by the time I dismiss someone, I am at my wits end have explained again and again how their behavior or words were hurtful and needed to change or I would end the relationship.

I am very empathic and loving, but I won't tolerate being treated badly.

In looking back, the pattern is clear: when I have a relationship with a person who has a mental illness or personality disorder, it will end on bad terms with my being at the end of my patience. The relationships in which I am still friends with the ex were ones with mentally healthy people or mentally ill people who were were medicated. I have never had a successful or remotely hapoy relationship with a personality disordered person.

So now, my criteria is: no one with an untreated mental illness, no one with personality disorders, and no one with a temper.

I am currently in a wonderful household with kind and healthy people who fit those criteria. I don't want to put them through a doomed and miserable relationship.

My perspective is not that I look down on people who are ill or disordered, afterall, I am mentally ill myself, but that there is something wrong with me because I cannot just accept their behavior. I am the common denominator.

Does anyone have experience of having successful and happy romantic relationships with untreated mentally ill people or people with personality disorders? Is it possible to have a relationship with people with untreated anger management issues?

I won't change my criteria. Whether the issue is with the or me, there is no point in my considering them. If that means I might lose out, avoiding the bad experiences it is still worth the loss of hypothetical 'good' relationships.

I just wonder if anyone has had success. Is it just me, or is it nearly impossible for those people to maintain a healthy relationship without hurting their partner?