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Messages - radical

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Medication / Re: Ketamine
« on: November 06, 2019, 01:26:19 AM »
I'd be happy to talk about Ketamine treatment by PM if anyone is considering this treatment.
 As Kizzie said, I don't get here very often so it would probably be the only way I'd be likely to know if there was any interest.

Frustrated? Set Backs? / Re: Surviving even if 'they' don't get it ...
« on: March 26, 2019, 03:15:12 AM »
Sorry to hear, WG.
It always has to be somewhere far away in location or time for many to be able to hear our truth.  Then it is batted away anyway with any number of dismissals. usually, "but that was then ...(or there)..."

It makes for such disconnection and isolation for everyone, those living in denial and those who can't.  I'm always amazed that people find it so easy to hurt those who have been hurt to avoid the discomfort of hearing about their hurt.

I don't know what the answer is. But good for you in not accepting this person's behaviour as your due.  It is necessary to respond.  I wish there was a magic formula for dealing that didn't bring more pain, but in the longer term the price of accepting being erased is higher I think.

Emotional Abuse / Re: Being Kind
« on: November 11, 2018, 06:53:02 PM »
I can relate, but I have found that there has never been an option in which I  can enact abuse on myself, including neglecting to be kind and respectful towards myself, and recover.  There is dissonance and a feeling of threat somehow, in self-kindness.  It is the very definition of unfamiliar because what I learned about myself in my family arose from lack of kindness and respect.

The way I see it, I have a choice in this between the 'familiar' , - quite literally what I originally derived from my family, and the unfamiliar and frightening experience of self-compassion, self-kindness and self-respect.  Without these, I can never deeply connect with others who might validate these attitudes, or with the world itself.

Friends / Re: Compassion fatigue
« on: November 10, 2018, 11:36:32 PM »
It might be compassion fatigue.

Something that really struck me when I was disabled and in pain waiting for surgery, was how kind people were.  I don't think I received so many warm smiles from strangers in all the previous years put together.  People offered to help, though I seldom needed any. At first I was confused, but kindness came to feel normal.

I think this is a natural human response  at its best, to seeing another in pain and struggling.  I can't describe how warm those gestures of acknowledgment, inclusion, and caring, made me feel.  I suggested to my T that maybe the best thing we could do for people who are in psychological pain would be to issue them with a stick.  (I don't know if they'd need to adopt a strange  crab-like walk to go with it). Maybe it would mean that the distress that showed in their faces and bodies would be interpreted by others in a way that made it seem understandable and safe to respond to.

Successes, Progress? / Re: showing up
« on: November 08, 2018, 06:26:19 PM »
Really happy for you LilyTV!!!

Eating Issues / Re: Maybe going inpatient for my eating disorder, deciding
« on: November 07, 2018, 10:38:20 PM »
Sending love, Dee.

The second is to try to recreate the same danger we were harmed by in order to (hopefully) get a better outcome and thus gain control over the original tragedy.

I have done both of these myself, long before I got any kind of diagnosis or understanding, I was like a hamster going round in a wheel.

This is an important part of the truth, it is the empowering part, it allows us to see what we need to change, it is a valuable opportunity.  But it's not the whole truth.  We can never entirely insulate ourselves from abuse, imagining we can and trying to change and adapti according to just part of the truth can be dangerous in itself.

What doing so can obscure from view is the beauty, justice and kindness that is also a part of humanity.  I know I need to actively seek that out.  But a real danger in doing so is seeking to hide from myself, ever again, the cruelty that is part of being human.

I don't know about you, but I need to be able to be alive to both, and seeing abuse as something that was ever within my control makes me vulnerable.   That doesn't mean that what happened hasn't given me an opportunity to grow in the ways I had already sorely needed to - but some people are making their way by hurting and exploiting.  Others are hitching a ride with them for their own reasons, others are "nave".  Those who are very well insulated from the harsher realities of life can often get away with wilful blindness, unless something makes them vulnerable....

Letters of Recovery / Re: Letter to my Anger ...
« on: November 05, 2018, 08:29:59 PM »
So happy to read this.  Anger is our defender.  It also comes to the defence of others.

You so needed, and continue to need and deserve defence and protection. 

Emotional/Physical/Sexual Abuse/Harassment/Violence / Re: It never ends
« on: November 01, 2018, 11:07:14 PM »
Thank you so much Three Roses, Woodsgnome,  LilyTv, Phoebes, and Contessa.

I don't know how I'd get through this without your kindness and understanding.  I'm struggling with disbelief.  It feels like I've spent a lifetime trying to understand but from my own experience of being in the world, never before understanding that people are different.  I think that is part of why good people get dragged into this vicious game, that an being afraid, instinctually, of those who are not governed by conscience.

"It's more about their false motives and desperate self-esteem issues; then you're left alone with sadness they probably wouldn't understand either"

I've come to believe that it's not just "wouldn't understand", but also wouldn't be able to handle.  One of the biggest components of abuse is an inability to tolerate shame, and therefore the need to dump it into someone else.  It must be we who are strong because we are able to carry what they cannot. (which does not mean we should carry it). I think it is more often cannot than 'will not'.  I know the faith community takes a great deal of pride in their reputation.  I wish it had the courage of its convictions.  They are shame-dumping because they have been shown up by what happened to me.

"You are recovering and you are going to attract incredible, genuine and kind people who will lift you up instead of tear you down."

Right now I don't feel I have the courage to reach out again.  It's something I need to find in myself.

 ".....are the people who immediate jump to not believing you. Not believing your experience could possibly be."

Sometimes naivety is moral cowardice.

" I know you will build a new, good, better life in this new place, because you were strong enough to carry me too."

I'll hold onto this.  I really needed it today.

love to you all

Emotional/Physical/Sexual Abuse/Harassment/Violence / It never ends
« on: October 30, 2018, 11:34:34 PM »
I'm feeling broken.

The bully who bullied me out of both my faith community and a community project we were both involved in, smeared me so severely that I have been planning to move to another city and start afresh next year (this isn't anywhere near a full summary because this is a small place and the damage has gone far wider than the membership of these groups)  - that delightful person - has managed to do me more harm.

Last month she and her supporters moved out of the faith community to worship separately, in large part because of the "slander" caused by my telling some people what had happened.  I left that community two years ago.  I felt it was a power play.  Almost all in that group and everyone in the other group have ostracised  me.  But I still have two friends from the faith community.  But it seems it wasn't good enough to have anyone still speak to me.

It was predictable given the close-knit nature of the group, just a matter of time really.  One friend tried to talk me into saying that my feelings from previous abuse had been projected onto the bully. She also hinted I had other reasons for unfairly accusing this person.   I was shocked but managed to politely reject that, but things have changed now in both friendships and I feel I have now been completely socially annihilated

Workplace Bullying/Harassment/Abuse / Re: Going to Leave
« on: October 28, 2018, 10:53:02 PM »
All the best, Phoebes.

Workplace Bullying/Harassment/Abuse / Re: Going to Leave
« on: October 27, 2018, 06:40:43 PM »
You say you can't take another major round of abuse.  So I  need to warn about the dangers of being open with HR.

HR manages employees on behalf of owners and management.  If they can make things better for employees, the reason is because doing so is beneficial to management.  If the company/management is unethical, talking to HR about your issues with it could bring about worse bullying and the management actively pushing you out.  This process is brutal.

I don't want to be alarmist and make you feel bad, I just fear that this course of action could catalyse the increased abuse that you are trying to avoid.  Please look at the resources section before you go and visit websites of experts in this field regarding talking to HR.

Sending caring thoughts

  To make sure  you save your sincerity for the sincere.

Workplace Bullying/Harassment/Abuse / Re: Settlement agreement uk
« on: October 24, 2018, 09:10:24 PM »
I'm really sorry Rainagain.
This is appalling
I wish I had something more to offer than these words. 
Sending caring thoughts

General Discussion / Re: Codependency and being able to accept help
« on: October 23, 2018, 08:42:25 PM »
I don't know if this will be helpful to you, but I've found a site called useful in understanding my difficulty with reciprococity in relationships and why I find it so hard to 'accept' from others.

I can very so relate to this.
I've run into big problems with returning to study with this problem.  I also need to find a solution.

Right now I'm feeling white-hot anger at my mother for conditioning me to not, as you put it, "impose". 

It has turned as essential part of what I need to do, what others do quite naturally into a kind of a phobia.  It has cost me in many, many hours of extra, unnecessary work and struggle, in the quality of output, and in being misunderstood.

I don't know what the answer is yet, but I know I  have to find one, and that it is likely to involve trying to find some words.

Thanks for posting this and congratulations on having the courage to do this.

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