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Hi all,

So today I had a strange experience and I realized it is something I do often. I've had a cold for the last few days but school just started up this week so I had to go to classes and finish up graduate school applications and a bunch of other stuff so I couldn't really rest. I don't remember how this happened, but today even though I still feel poorly I forgot about it?? Today I was studying (I am a math major in my senior year working with really abstract stuff -- think super hard logic puzzles) and I couldn't focus or think clearly and I got so mad at myself I immediately recognized that inner critic voice berating me for being tired and needing to rest when i've got so much to do, telling me i'm going to be a failure if I don't start the school year strong, etc, etc. I went to lie down under a warm blanket to try to handle the emotional flashback and then as I was relaxing I realized that I still felt really sick - sore throat, aches and pains, headache, etc. I don't know how to explain it -- I didn't STOP feeling sick today while going to class and studying. My body was still sick and still felt sick but it is like my mind didn't let me deal with it. When I was lying in bed I tried to focus on my body and take deep breaths to calm down and then I realized that part of what was stopping me from doing that effectively was a sore throat and then once I noticed that I noticed everything else too. I feel so scared and out of control that I could just suppress feeling sick like that without noticing or trying. Now i'm resting and realizing that i've definitely made myself sicker by pushing things while ill but how am I supposed to rest and take it easy when I keep myself from noticing when something is wrong like that?  Does this happen to anyone else? How can I get more in touch with my body?

My rescue dog Rev has been a huge help to me in dealing with myself compassionately. Rev is an 8 year old basset hound mix who was abused and abandoned multiple times by multiple owners. My partner and I adopted him over a year ago and through positive reinforcement we've been able to help him overcome a lot of his issues. Watching Rev learn to trust us, and begin to be a confident dog again has been so amazing for me. I can relate to a lot of his issues, fear of strangers, lashing out, fear of abandonment, panic at small noises or changes in routine. Because it is easier for me to have compassion for others rather than for myself, I was able to see those things in my dog and react with compassion and love. Then later when I noticed myself behaving similarly to him I would finally understand that I deserved compassion and love too. One of the sweetest things about him is how we help each other through panic episodes. If he gets distressed because he hears another dog barking I go over to him and distract him by asking him to do tricks or play with his toys and then pet him and talk with him until he calms down. When i'm having a flashback or dissociative episode he comes over to me and headbutts me until I pet him, or he will cuddle with me, or lick my face. Just yesterday I was having an emotional flashback and pacing around the apartment cleaning maniacally and I only noticed how upset I was because he started whining at me and following me around the house. When I stopped to check on him, he licked my face and put his paw on my chest and tried to climb in my lap (all 70 pounds of him lol). I really love that we help each other and are in tune with each other's emotions.

Sending you big hugs. That is an unsafe situation to be in, i'm thinking of you. Just keep doing the best you can to keep you and your daughter safe.