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Wow... That quote is powerful.

Will come back to this article, but first i've got a date with self care. A must read right now "

Thank you Notalone and Kizzie. You words are perfect.

It's weird feeling this discomfort, I have to say. I don't feel good, but it is 'just' discomfort. More than enough to be a cause for alarm for most people, but for us comparatively, it is a mere fraction of the full onslaught of emotions we have been utterly wiped out by in the past.

Not an easy perspective to reconcile. As you know.

Thank you 3R

You are right, and it too is a comfort reading your words. Immensely Xo

Thank you Dreamriver.

Your kind words are an immense comfort, and are a good reminder for the kindness everyone deserves to give to themselves.

Feeling this lift thank heavens. Hopefully it continues. I'm always afraid of those times when the pain was raw and sharp, and lasted for weeks, months...

Thank you X

Hi, I haven't been here for a very long time. I check in and read occasionally, and respond very occasionally to a post or two.

But I have managed to trigger myself and am feeling very strange and unsettled. My thoughts and feelings are not lining up and am feeling control and certainty beginning to slip.

I think I am strong enough to hold on and not spiral out, but also, after everything can never be certain.

I don't know what else to say but thank you for reading. You're the only people I know who truly get this.

C

Thank you for the hugs, I always enjoy a good cuddle x

Sorry for this weird update.

Strangest thing happened. After finishing one day devastated, I woke up the next (today) without a heavy heart. No spiral down into despair.

I had spoken with friends who have varying personal experiences in the area, and they found the assessment process and final decision completely off base. Today, when the shock wore off, I could see it as well.

I had an off day. Have reflected and learned from the experience, and will use this to continue to pursue this path another way.

I have to say that this is a long story cut very short. Despite the economy of words used here, this has been a very long, very carefully thought out and much discussed journey for me. None of this has been entered into lightly.

*TW - loss of pregnancy*

Just got triggered and am struggling.

Head not clear to go into any comprehensible detail, but my quest for motherhood has been dealt yet another blow.

Long story short, after a long journey of survival to return to a good place... And then pursue my dream of motherhood... Well

My years of trauma began when I lost a baby. A suprise but much wanted and much loved baby that was never to be. After about 8 years of fighting for my survival I finally got to a place where I could pursue motherhood again on my own.

Too late, I am now infertile. Spent a lot of time and money on treatment which needed to be done to gain some sort of closure.

Best alternative is to pursue being a foster mum, and I was looking forward to that. There is a massive shortage of foster parents for children in need.

I have been knocked back because I have suffered too much trauma, and it is considered a huge risk to my mental health. I have been triggered by this and am utterly devastated.

I am too damaged. We've come full circle with the fight to get back to where I wanted to be, and because of that fight i'm now too damaged to do what I ultimately fought to live for.

That's my little emotional crutch now, and I have to sit with that latest blow.

Thank you for your kind words. They mean so much when things get tough xo

Just lonely.

10 years of being alone. Still going backwards.

I just don't know.

I am very happy to hear this news Kizzie. Yes, it is all worth it and we can get stronger. You have taught me that just by your presence and management on this forum. 

Thank you all! Yes, everyone knows. I knew the first day I stepped into that role, so I knew how to play my cards. I'm not the first or only target.

But, I now know that i'm a magnet for narcissists. My role was honestly superfluous to everyone elses... but it was a matter of time. My very core values were being compromised.

Thank you for your knowledge and guidence over the last few years, it was all that I learned from the wonderful members here that gave me that wisdom to know what to do. And it will happen again, just this episode is behind me.

Old post, but this happened again a few days ago, and the same person pulled the same stunt.

I was not intimidated by them. They hounded me and I stayed confident. They tried to erode my confidence, but they did not.

I made sure I stuck next to a colleague who became a witness, and confirmed my reports to another.

It was inevitable, the time came. I made my exit and I had the support of those who know. I am needed and wanted there, that place is desparate for staff, but that one person was looking for any opportunity to show me they are boss.

So I have made my exit of my own accord, because I know they are just starting to get on a roll. My allies know that this is the best decision, even though they now have another problem to balance on top of the rest.

Kizzie, yes! I definitely learnt how to show compassion for myself. There was a time where I put myself at number 1, and fiercely fought for myself. I guess I was attempting to protect the little young me, but it got destructive at a point too.

Coming back now, but to a place with more boundaries.

Yes BB and JamesG!

I even learned to stop apologising. I would apologise not because I did wrong, but in an effort to 'reset' and move forward when odd disagreements would happen, which to be honest were not my fault.

I learned the hard way that being the first to extend the olive branch did not mean the same to them. It was an admission of fault and blame for my causing the problem, and then I was put down even further. So... I stopped apologising... then it progressed to uglier depths from there. Sigh.

Hello Mar74,

I'm rarely on OOTS anymore, so apologies if I have missed any important details from other posts.

The title of your thread and then post, struck a chord with me. There was a time, for a few years, where I felt the same. It was such a strange feeling as I had spent the previous 30 years of my life holding all of my cards close to my chest, and I have been returning to that state (although not so tightly) over the last couple of years.

I too felt like I had verbal diarrhoea, and it was a great worry. My thoughts are that this was an outward expression of fear and anxiety. Our minds and bodies are past the saturation point of understanding (if we had any in the first place) and coping with what we have to bear. We have been so isolated from and by those we have needed to be our support; they refuse to let us speak which in turn adds to that overflow of trauma. We are screaming for help, screaming for safety, because we cannot escape.

Those are my thoughts on what I have experienced. Although we have had different paths on our journeys, I do think we have experienced some similar coping mechanisms in the height of our triggered states. I hope this shared experience is helpful. I hope you are in a place of safety too.

Contessa