I grew up with a depressed mother and a father who was not a nurturing type of parent. He worked most of the time and travelled.
I thought I caused my mom's depression.
I have read a lot on childhood neglect and attachment disorders--Pete Walker is especially helpful.
I realized I have been in "survival mode" since birth, that I have believed I am essentially unloveable. The defenses that I formed to survive a childhood with no loving parent created the way I felt in both my marriages. The minute I was committed to the Husband, my abandonment depression (from childhood) --being the only blueprint in my consciousness-- was re-stimulated.
Once into by abandonment depression, although at the time I believed it was the husband/relationship that caused me to feel empty, bad, unfulfilled,--it was the childhood issues. I was actively into addictions during my first marriage, and recovering in my second marriage. However, although I was not drinking and drugging in the second marriage I sunk into a (black hole) depression, the exact way I felt as a 5 year old child!! I really started to blame myself because I had been in therapy and I wasn't self medicating. It wasn't until I ready The Body Keeps the Score (Bessel Van der Kulk) that I understood what had happened to me, that i was innocent, not unloveable, that I was in constant "survival" mode, and that I needed healing. I realized that I was not defective and damaged, that I was incapable of being happy in a relationship because I had a damaged "blueprint" from growing up with a depressed mother.
Now, how to heal the blueprint? Educating myself about complex ptsd, childhood trauma, neglect, attachment dysregulataion is a good first step, understanding it has lifted a huge piece of the overwhelming sadness and hopelessness about ever being happy. I am changed deeply in mind and body since The Body Keeps the Score--I am not afraid all the time. I have realized that need to feel "safe" is normal given my upbringing. I believe that healing this pain can be done in part through rhythmic movement together with (visualizing) being empowered in childhood situations that I felt helpless in.
Visualizing being able to run away while riding the bike at the gym. I am building strength as well so I feel less vulnerable. Believing that I can defend myself physically gives me a sense of empowerment. Its a start. I am dedicated to growing that loving inner voice and to disengage from the toxic critic that grew out of my blaming-self as a child.
I hope this helps you. (This is the first time I have ever joined a blog, and given a response to someone.)
))
I thought I caused my mom's depression.
I have read a lot on childhood neglect and attachment disorders--Pete Walker is especially helpful.
I realized I have been in "survival mode" since birth, that I have believed I am essentially unloveable. The defenses that I formed to survive a childhood with no loving parent created the way I felt in both my marriages. The minute I was committed to the Husband, my abandonment depression (from childhood) --being the only blueprint in my consciousness-- was re-stimulated.
Once into by abandonment depression, although at the time I believed it was the husband/relationship that caused me to feel empty, bad, unfulfilled,--it was the childhood issues. I was actively into addictions during my first marriage, and recovering in my second marriage. However, although I was not drinking and drugging in the second marriage I sunk into a (black hole) depression, the exact way I felt as a 5 year old child!! I really started to blame myself because I had been in therapy and I wasn't self medicating. It wasn't until I ready The Body Keeps the Score (Bessel Van der Kulk) that I understood what had happened to me, that i was innocent, not unloveable, that I was in constant "survival" mode, and that I needed healing. I realized that I was not defective and damaged, that I was incapable of being happy in a relationship because I had a damaged "blueprint" from growing up with a depressed mother.
Now, how to heal the blueprint? Educating myself about complex ptsd, childhood trauma, neglect, attachment dysregulataion is a good first step, understanding it has lifted a huge piece of the overwhelming sadness and hopelessness about ever being happy. I am changed deeply in mind and body since The Body Keeps the Score--I am not afraid all the time. I have realized that need to feel "safe" is normal given my upbringing. I believe that healing this pain can be done in part through rhythmic movement together with (visualizing) being empowered in childhood situations that I felt helpless in.
Visualizing being able to run away while riding the bike at the gym. I am building strength as well so I feel less vulnerable. Believing that I can defend myself physically gives me a sense of empowerment. Its a start. I am dedicated to growing that loving inner voice and to disengage from the toxic critic that grew out of my blaming-self as a child.
I hope this helps you. (This is the first time I have ever joined a blog, and given a response to someone.)
))