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A couple more. I am getting much more comfortable with my new messier style and I paint from life in one sitting--these ones anyway. I like it that way--it prevents the mulling over and negative thinking (ICr) from creeping in! 

They are:  "Rice and Beans" and "Birthday Cake"

When i'm in an EF, watching his videos and listening to him, feeling his energy, just lifts me up a bit and I don't feel as bad! I'm not actually taking any advice or doing anything different--just his words help me and that's enough for me.

I recently watched the one about whether Donald Trump is a Psychopathic Narcissist. It was my FAVORITE!!! Just absolutely great. Not just because I hate Dump, but I saw a lot of my father in there too. So I felt less crazy. 

"Victim" is NOT a dirty word....

But in my experience counselors (and maybe well-intentioned, yet ignorant, regular people too) have a real tendency to PREVENT you from calling yourself or your situation that. I myself was very offended that my own counselor would not admit that i was a victim of anything....She kept using the word "survivor" also. In doing that tho, she DENIED and MINIMIZED my life experiences and emotions, the same way that one of my abusers did! 

And saying "you survived abuse" almost distances it, as if it's some impersonal thing, "out there", not really attached to your soul. It seems like a partial denial so as not to feel all the feelings that go with it. And I find that way of framing it unhelpful, if not insulting.

If one can truly believe that a victim has no fault in how or why or what they were a victim of, then it shouldn't be such a touchy word. It's OK to be a victim. Just like it's OK to cry. Accepting it can make the next step in healing come on easier and faster.

DJ's 50th "Birthday Cake"


"Rice And Beans" the top of the can is not on a parallel plane compared to the table surface....Apparently. I say Who the f cares. I love it. Over time my opinion has gotten stronger and so if i think of my father when looking at this, it's that he's ridiculous.   


Something else that helped me this week was in reference to me being "too sensitive" in my FOO, DJ said, "You ARE sensitive, but that didn't give them the right to be a-holes to you."

Call me stupid, but I never thought of it quite like that. I always saw it as I am just wrong, so anyone can do whatever they want. I mean, of course I knew they were being mean to me, but I guess I always thought I somehow deserved it because: look at me, even now, I can't work, or "be normal," so it justified in my mind that they are/were right about me--I'm too defective for this world, and my defect is that I can't handle shhit. I never thought "hey, even if I AM that defective, they didn't have any right to be abusive." 

well, I am a lot more calm now.

The woman who helped me with baking advice also said she likes my art and that I should paint the cake when I'm done. So I did! The next day.

It got a lot of attention on FB and artist websites, and I was really happy with it. Came out decent, it's more impressionist or abstract. Looser, like others' whose style I've been admiring for several years, but thought I could never ever do. It's a big deal that I can leave perfectionism behind (because guess where I learned it from.)

Only problem is, my father saw it and said something NICE on FB. Makes me look like I complained over nothing. Self doubt creeps in and I fall for the idea that maybe he's not so bad. (I am too weak and easily "feel sorry" for people, even him).

Kizzie, oh I see your point about the painting. Giving him something he'd probably be annoyed to look at. But you know what? i think he's already won the "art war"---You won't believe this, but, several yrs ago he started watercolor painting as a hobby when he retired. He posted one on FB that i really liked and I commented jokingly, "Can you leave this to me in your will?" So he sends me a framed.........PRINT of it...."1 of 100".....Soooo, *. I'm not even good enough to give the real thing to? What symbolism!!!  (not to mention he is probably stuck with the original, and 99 prints, lol)

My counselor at the time said "He should have just sent you the original! Geeze, if my daughter complimented me on something..." But I am so "used to" being treated like I have the plague, that I actually accepted it. If he does leave me the original I will bring it to the Salvation Army.

Besides the fact that he went out and had 100 prints made of his own stuff? He ain't that great! And he always telling me how he took a workshop with this expert and that expert, etc., told me that he wants to become a really good artist so he can be a judge at art shows.....Huh? I never heard of any artist having that as their end goal....weird.  Yeah so, good luck with that....I hate judges, lol. I asked him once how do you know a particular artist is an "expert"? What qualifies them as one?" I got no answer. Technically there isn't one, and that was my point.

Recently I realize that people with "authoritarian" personalities are really annoying and he's one of them. ALL they care about is BEING an authority, or strictly FOLLOWING authority. Unquestioningly. That's their security blanket--depending on rules over thinking for themselves.

Wow, your title "Jealousy and Sadness" really drew me in. I feel these things about almost everyone all the time.

1. I completely relate to your feelings of hearing about others' having a healthy relationship with their parent. My mother died when I was 5 and I've had to go the last 42 yrs seeing hearing and knowing, that everyone else has a mother there for them. (Or at least it sure seems like it!) Like today, I am making a cake for my boyfriend's birthday. I had to go online  looking for directions on how to do this angel food cake. I feel like such a loser because I have no one to ask. This is how pathetic I am--I had to go on Facebook, and ask "anybody out there" a question on baking. Between never learning that stuff, not having any friends to ask now, and the fact that today is also the anniversary of my mother's death, all combine into me feeling like absolute shhit. It's very easy for me to slip into this any time I go out in the world. To the store, anywhere. Everyone has families and I feel like I don't even exist.

2. OMG, I'm so happy (not right word, but you know what I mean) to see someone else has internalized their parent to the point of them actually personifying the Inner Critic. This time I'm talking about my Narcissist father. I have LC with him, (email only) for years, haven't seen him since 1998. Altho he's invited himself to visit, I said no. Luckily I live 400 miles away. But SOME-freaking-HOW, he gets under my skin in real life too, not just "in my head." So that also resonates with me. The thought that I have to fight with him already in my head (which is why I go to therapy, which doesn't seem to be working), so I should not also have to deal with his subtle jabs in emails! Ones where it doesn't matter what, or how, or even if, I respond to him, I lose.  Sigh. ...I get so I cannot focus on anything else for weeks. It's that disturbing. And I can't paint, just when I started to be on a roll.

And Kizzie, it's funny how you wrote "honest expression of your feelings"--that's exactly what I realized just this morning that I cannot do! It's like I get baited, then if I react I lose because somehow I will be punished for it--REALLY BAD. I've been trained to not stand up, OR ELSE! Like "you thought that was bad? I'll show you bad" kind of thing will happen and I have to avoid that. I'm too weak to handle it. No matter what, it will be my fault. So for now, I;ve stayed silent. (he critiqued my latest painting which i was so, so happy with. I still don't see what's so wrong with it, but I had to move it from my view because, guess what? It's not only a nice painting--it is now a TRIGGER. He contaminated my art. Not the first time either.)

I'm so glad I ran across this thread today.  But I have to go frost that cake. I'm sure it will turn out "crumby" tho, LOL!

Wow, just the sound of his voice made me cry. My inner child who's 5 really loves him.

I binged on this guy a couple months ago. I like him. I get comfort from listening to him. But not practical ways to change how I feel, just understanding from him, which is better than nothing.

I was depressed, but this helped me come out of it a little.... But art doesn't cure loneliness....

Thanks you guys!

Kizzie, no I don't have a dog. Just a chinchilla, and no, I haven't painted her. I don't think my brain can interpret her into 2 dimensions because I'm so used to seeing her in 3, lol.
Two of the dogs are done for 2 online friends, and the chocolate lab was a commission for my boyfriend's counselor. He passed away, the others are sill alive. (the dogs)

And these 2 are the first ones from 2016:





Thanks for looking! I will add more in individual posts as i do more. 

I don't have a specific story, but every time I ever felt like killing myself, within 24 hours I always said to myself, "I'm sure glad I didn't do it!" because something good always happened the next day. Once it was just a good feeling I had just driving in the sun. Amazing how quickly feelings can change, and I always remembered that. 

When I was young I thought depression was connected to being an artist. I said "An artist was probably someone whose only pleasure in their horrible and lonely childhood was found in colors." Of course I was talking about me.

But in the last year I've really started taking my painting seriously, and no, my art is not helped by, or born out of, CPTSD. Actually it interferes with me doing as much as I could. Terrible feelings of "I shouldn't be enjoying myself, don't deserve to paint" etc. make me barely be able to paint. It takes days of getting up the nerve to do an hour or 2 of painting. I'm really trying to get over that, but it's tiring!

My art was not the greatest (altho I was always told I had "talent") when I was young. Since getting rid of depression and suicidal feelings, it improved. But I think that's because I have a positive attitude, think I can do it, believe in myself, and have put a lot of energy into learning it (I finally figured out "talent" isn't enough--you have to gain skills). All of these things were impossible to do when still depressed! 

OMG, i forgot all about that!! I used to have a "Good Things" Journal. YES, DO IT! It helped me sooo much.

I went by month tho, knowing I wouldn't be able to come up with daily things.

WHY I did it--I had a real problem remembering anything good. I mean really bad. I couldn't remember something from a few days ago. I think it was my inner critic erasing things so I wouldn't start to get hope up or feel happy for very long. (because u will only be let down later so why bother type of thing.)

What the best part was--when you turn back the pages and see how far you've come. That the "good" things got better over time. And the progress was staring me right in the face so I couldn't ignore it!

I guess I stopped it after a yr or so because I didn't need it anymore. Now I can remember to give myself credit and move on to another good thing. 

Hi Wallflower,

I paint too! I watched IDK how many youtube videos in 2015 to learn more. (I depend on youtube for a lot of things!)

I also have a problem sometimes finishing a painting. I get to a certain point in it, I like it, but have this huge psychological hump to get over before I can finish it. It makes a painting take days or weeks to do that only really took at most 8 hrs of painting time. IDK if this is the same reason for you, but, I start liking it so much that I have to stop because I'm afraid of "ruining" it. I constantly have to tell myself "it doesn't matter," "who cares," "it's ok to make mistakes." just so I can finish it. It's weird because I feel at the time like my life depends on getting it right and not making mistakes. Like the closer I come to accomplishing something, the more pressure there is.

Or maybe it could be self-defeating that you somehow lose steam and don't finsh? IDK. It seems like it's a way of avoiding success, you know?