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Thankyou for your reply Sanmagic.

I am a firm believer in this secondary wounding as Matsakis shows.  For so long I believed I was the cause of the family "problem" that I simply accepted that.  When I found out some truths I could not contain myself in finding it wasn't me after all and my CPTSD surfaced.   But so called "friends" were uncomfortable with any suggestion of mental dysfunction ...

I believe you are right....familiar is the word.  Bad treatment is what we were used to. 

I now have learned of course, that ALL people are not so cruel after a long time in my isolation and self-protection.  As the writer says, we survivors are somewhat prone to black and white thinking.  And I learned that I need to take care of who I entrust much about me.......

Do you think it is the exercise that is contributing to your healing C ?
I find I am so much more "together" after a good long walk - particularly by the sea if I can get there.

Nice words Ancient Soul.   The problem seems to be a rather huge one for we survivors.

It seems to me that people really do fear anything to do with mental processes which is mainly ignorance and left over from the Victorian era. 

Alice 97 - Good for you in being cautious about your disclosure.  I didn't do that, thinking everyone would be kind.  They were not.   Perhaps you can present some information from a book or the net to explain it better for her?

Understood gongfy !  After much secondary wounding - "get over it" "you must have caused it"  "you're imagining" when I tried to explain the harm done to me by NPD mother I withdrew.  I was so shocked at the lack of empathy that when it came to move we chose to live in a semi-rural area.  And like others there was little interaction with people I felt comfortable with.  Yes, a tad perfectionistic too.  I wanted intelligent and understanding people who would not judge my unasked for wounding.

I recently read in the book noted elsewhere here by Matsakis about trusting people again after trauma -  that there are "rules for belonging" which I find very difficult to come to terms with.  Long ago I swore to be interested only in truths due to the false fronts from my family of origin.  Apparently it is a rare stand !  The writer notes that we telling of our problems to others is something that unsettles them, presses on their tender spots and in some cases confronts them with their own bigger problems.  Often people just don't know what to say.

It has left me with a dilemma in trying to rejoin the world after quite a few years of healing and withdrawal in sensitivity.   Maybe it is just the country people, maybe it is the whole world who want to avoid reality  ?

Do I want too much.?  I wish you well gongfy and the small town life.   Residential homes are growing rapidly around our area and most are now commuters leaving home early in the morning for the city, an hour away, and returning late at night so neighbourhoods have disappeared.  There is also the fears of newcomers as you note, but a changed world and dangerous times mean people are less trusting anyway.  I have always been friendly with neighbours and now it is impossible as both husband and wives work, children dropped at day care and so no engagement at all.  I put it down to culture. 

Thank goodness for the internet which may be your best connection gongfy ? 

I am much impressed with Matsakis' work.  "Trust After Trauma" is my current read and she certainly covers some ground.  I have just finished "I Can't Get Over it" also by her.  Knowledge is power for me and I am getting a lot from these readings.

I have found that my "secondary wounding" or discounting of my experience by so-called "friends" has been a very painful period.  It drove me to become an "exile" (a topic she covers well) because I lost faith in my ability to choose good people - I thought I had a repeating compulsion on that one.  Not so, it seems that my declaration about NPD mother and my family dramas was pressing buttons for people they didn't want to hear lest it bring up their own stuff.

And she mentions other things like people's need to be in control of their lives so they will often blame the victim (a real biggie!) so that they can take the randomness of human experience out of their minds.  There is much more to cover but I can thoroughly recommend this book if you have ever had that "secondary wounding"  - a resurfacing of the rejection, abandonment and vulnerability of the unkindness of others.   Those "triggers" I have had.

I have to say reading such material has been helpful beyond my expectations.

Sorry I am late in replying.  I couldn't find the post.

For me the Shapiro books is empowering.  If the "problem" I have is about something happening for me I can reflect on it, journal about it and get some responses.   

I remember back a few years I had to be hospitalised for a bowel abscess.  So painful!  And later I realised that it was at the time my father was transferred into aged care with developing dementia.  As usual in the FOO nothing so upsetting was discussed (it was all before I discovered our true family trauma story) and only later did I realise through Shapiros book that I had trouble "processing" his decline and my conflicted feelings about him due to NPD mother's possessiveness of him.  For me the bowel area was about "processing" so I figured that was the cause and began to understand how the body holds onto our stories and can be a problem if we don't take it into account.

B Smith:   I totally relate to everything you say.  I was very late into life when I discovered my mother was an NPD person and I the Scapegoat.  I wanted to tell the world of course but unfortunately most do not want to hear your "release" from the burden.   The main thing is that you are not to blame and you can celebrate that every day now.

As Aphrodite Matsakis records in her books on trauma, our discovery of our pain isn't often well received because it raises others' tender spots where they don't want to go.  So being here is a great support.

Finding out about this phenomena from a read of Aphrodite Matsakis I am much enlightened about an experience I had back a few years now.  When I declared to "friends" that I had found the cause of my family troubles - ie Narcissistic Personality Disorder of my mother, in particular, but rather immature parents - the feedback was so discouraging !  They said it must have been my fault if I was rejected by my parents or in terms of a mother's bad behaviour they said "she wouldn't do that"

Yes, it was the mother taboo we have mentioned here before.  But what a find to hear that "Secondary Wounding" raises the pain all over again and makes you understand how ignorant some people are and how insensitive they are to your experience. 

Matsakis gives many reasons for people's cruel responses.  However, for me it cleared my head somewhat because I felt I was experiencing a "repetition compulsion" by choosing bad women as "friends".  I totally blamed myself for bad choices thinking I as going around finding "mothers" and would I ever stop this ?  Well, this find has been most helpful in showing me that I was simply re-experiencing the cruelty of another.  Perhaps it could also be, as the author suggests, that I was pressing on their sore points in their own family story.

The upshot of this was that I isolated myself from others feeling it was my stuff that brought bad people to me.  I can accept now that people are just dumb   

After finding this very helpful info I am rather forgiving myself, and silencing the noisy critic, on my choice of company when I am stronger and diving back into the world.   That is my next challenge though.......

"White Oleander" by Janet Fitch was a great read if anyone is interested.  Fitch has supposedly written fiction but she certainly knows her topic.  The movie starred Michelle Pfeiffer.

Jon G Allen.  Just started this one written by a psychiatrist who explains the processes by which we experience fear and anxiety.  It's an easy read for a complex subject.
Anyone else read it ?

Have posted this book by Debbie Shapiro under books.  Not sure where it belongs actually - here or there ??

This title by Debbie Shapiro is my go-to for all the information that is happening to me.  Recommended.

Dutch Uncle I am rapt by this  - my motto is "Truth"  Having lived with so much obfuscation and falseness....

I love straightforward people. The lack of drama makes life so much easier.

Interesting thoughts all round.  I have recently returned to Elaine Aron's book to source some more information and affirm my HSP sensations.. 

I also get much enjoyment and affirmation from Mary-Elaine Jacobsen's book "Every day Genius" which has much to satisfy in terms of my Intensity, Complexity and Drive - very recognisable parts of myself and my love of study and learning on the human condition.   

My past experiences fit well into the Ugly Duckling syndrome. 

Thanks Sanmagic7, I had my theorists mixed up.  Albert Ellis it is. 
I find this RET handy for when I am catastrophising, not always a perfect solution, but gives me perspective when I start on "I don't know what to think!"