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Messages - C.

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Christmas & New Years / Re: Holiday Crash
« on: January 01, 2017, 12:51:43 PM »
Hello Kizzie,

I am happy to hear that things have improved, you are well, that everyone is physically safe and that you feel supported here.  The only other thought that hit me was just that I think sometimes disassociating, although not ideal, is a survival strategy to avoid something more harmful at the time.  So maybe you needed to gradually allow yourself to sit w/the emotions related to the crash.  And after one day you already felt quite a bit better.  Kudos for you for being able to move through this so well compared I suspect to what would have been even harder in the past.

During my therapy this week I heard words that brought healing tear to my eyes.  A deep and profound understanding.

I heard "healing yourself also contributes to a Greater Good."  I realized that all of this healing in real life truly impacts others in a positive way too.  I'd recently made some choices to allow the "real" me to be present at work.  Then I saw that it helped others.  All along I've been thinking of my healing as independent, alone, self-focused.  And although I understood it to be necessary a part of me wished to be a part again of some bigger and greater than myself.  So I've added a new mantra to my thoughts that I really love...

"healing myself also helps the Greater Good"

Dear My New Ambition,

Welcome home Ambition.  I wasn’t expecting you.  You see, I thought that you’d packed your bags and left for good.  And I thought that was ok w/me because you had always dressed to impress others.  And w/my divorce you seemed an unwelcome guest who only complicated my life.

But the other day you visited.  I felt your familiar presence yet it wasn’t so unpleasant.  Perhaps you’ve changed.  Is your intent different?  Are you really interested in ME?  I felt you remind me of the professional power I hold within.  A capacity to contribute.  Perhaps in ways I’ve not yet explored.

So I have accepted your nearness and as long as you behave, and you have MY best interests at heart, you may visit and reside.  Show me your new self bit by bit and I will get to know you.

Of course you know me and my desire to know the end at the beginning.  What does this relationship mean?  Yet I will do my best to quiet those anxious questions and simply us be together.  I look forward to getting to know the new you.


My New ME

General Discussion / Re: Brand new groove
« on: September 14, 2016, 12:00:06 PM »
Yes i think execise is a part of it for me.  Good point.  It contribures to that "feeling" of recovery.

General Discussion / Re: Brand new groove
« on: September 08, 2016, 04:42:32 PM »
yes to everything here.  so much wisdom and insight.  thank you.  i want a face that represents peace and serenity...but my daughter and i agreed maybe that's everything.  it's on the inside, not out, so hard to draw...wishing you all a great day and thanks again.

Introductory Post / Re: been away a while,struggling a lot
« on: September 05, 2016, 07:32:29 PM »
Welcome back Foggy.  I am happy to see you again! :thumbup:  I hope it has been affirming to you that the community is still here for you.

General Discussion / Re: Brand new groove
« on: September 05, 2016, 07:18:33 PM »
I have been having those moments lately too.  It's so invigorating.  I am so very happy for you and thanks for sharing it here so that we can celebrate together.

 :applause: :applause: :applause: :applause: :applause: :applause: :applause:


Where are you?
Where did you go?
I know that you were here the other day
Well, a few years ago
I remember when your power
Pushed me forward
Inspired towards that
What goal?
Some goal…
To get There
You know, there…

But, now
You hide
Under a rock
Out of sight
What can I do?
How do I push forward?
Without You

I am glad to hear it struck a chord for you.  A reason to not keep my "journal" private, but share.  At least the themed entries.


I dreamed about zombies last night.  Or more like this morning.  And every time I woke up scared and went to sleep again, assuming the dream would change.  But it didn’t change,  I was scared and running, trying to connect w/a “safe” group.  The younger people seemed safer.

When I work up the metaphor hit hard.  Abandonment.  Zombies are people who you loved who abandon you.  People who loved, or who you thought loved, you.  But is it abandonment?  Because they come back.  But they come back intent on harming you.  They want to eat you alive.

Zombies.  CPTSD means I have been surrounded by zombies.  Dead people who want to consume me.  And the only hope for survival is to flee.  Or to kill.

And once free it can be confusing.  Because zombies at first look like real people.  So sometimes I think a person is a person, but it’s a zombie.  And sometimes I think a zombie is a zombie, but it’s a person.

So I, and many around me, stay fascinated w/zombies.  They tell our backstory.  The dramatic monster that represents trauma.  And the resilience needed to first survive, and next thrive, in a world full of zombies.

Grief and closure and grief and closure and grief and closure...

I felt it this year.  That relief that comes w/knowing the ending.  That it’s done.  And faith that the right beginning(s) are just around the corner, or over that hill, but they are there.  I cannot see them, or hear them, but I know.  And that’s enough.  Kind conversational ending and touch from Mr. A. Telling him no, never love me but will never commit.  That isn’t good for me.  I’m done. Realization that Ms.B isn’t really a friend, and that’s ok.  Closing the door one final time on the “C last name” family home.  Waving good-bye to my elderly cat as she moved from daughter’s arms and into her car, headed for a new home of her own.  Unpacking every single box from the “C”family life and placing it in the garbage, goodwill, or a permanent storage space.

I cannot write more.  It hurts to put it all together.  Yet for each ending I was able to move through it like “normal” grief.  The sadness, the anger and finally acceptance.  It didn’t stick to me, or consume me, or send me on a risky avoidant path of self-destruction.  Now they are relatively healed scars.  Part of me.

But I am no longer just scars.  I now see those large places of health throughout my being.  Untouched and mine.

I’ve heard that you can be cured from C-PTSD.  I don’t believe that anymore.  At least not for me.  I believe that you can learn to live with your C-PTSD in a general state of contentment.  Free of serious symptoms.  Yet, I wouldn’t trade this illness now for it has gifted me with a sensitivity, compassion, and empathy few others seem to understand.  The “recipe”that is ME mixes together this injury with salty tears, sighs of relief, the will to dance when others won’t, and an inner-peace that is ME.  And I like ME.  Sometimes i bug me, irritate me, frustrate me, but under it all….I love ME.

This week I was surprised to face feelings of grief in moments of positivity.  A
supportive conversation w/a friend who I thought had abandoned me.  Funds received in a punctual manner from my exH.  A profound and empathetic response from my little brother to my reality, the one I never told him about. 

Then the clincher.  My BF joyfully offering and following through w/tackling my backyard.  Weeds, tall grass, a mower, gloves, and .  He donned them happily and finished my yard entirely of his own volition and knowing it would help my son since that’s his chore.  But the experience haunted me.  I felt sad.  And I couldn’t figure out why.  Why am I sad? about such a selfless act of service by someone who loves and accepts me.  Then memories surfaced in my brain and my heart did that familiar pause, and I wept.  I wept b/c no one had ever done something so selfless and kind outside for me, all the while wanting my companionship and assistance.  My parents grumbled and growled at the teenager who refused to weed, my exH seldomly finished an outdoor task.  He started off gung ho, but his enthusiasm petered off after 20-30 minutes and I was left alone to finish.  So this wonderful, beautiful moment was tainted by a history of grief about yard work.  I moved through that pain, sadness and anger.  I sought out support from a few understanding friends and my therapist.  And now?  Well, now I am going to buy myself some new work gloves, fill the lawn mower w/gasoline and learn to enjoy yard work again with this loving man I call “boy friend.”

I hope I can one day accept the distance I must maintain from my parents and exH in order to be healthy.  On the outside they are so smiley, so talkative, so “upbeat.”  But that isn’t what I see or feel.  And I hope to one day really see and believe this truth.  That for me, they are toxic.  A poisonous flower.  And it’s best to stick to looking every once in a while through a glass, at a distance.  That is my form of love, compassion and acceptance for people who unwittingly or willfully injured me.  I cannot hate or stay angry.  Because fault and blame no longer matter to me.  They simply do not seem to be a part my nature from my experience.  And if I never look I may find myself on the self-destructive path of avoidance.  So sometimes I can look and touch for a moment, but I must know when and how, b/c otherwise it becomes deadly to a parts of me I now hold so dear.   My heart.  My soul.  My thoughts.  My truth.  My feel

Lingering grief or guilt?
But, if I am honest with myself I know that I still feel some guilt at my need for distance.  They want me.  I will always be their daughter, the ExW who he thinks could one day fe a “friend” and I somehow feel that biological need to please, to “appreciate.”  I wish they could understand that I do appreciate and accept.  But for my own reasons of Faith and of Love.  And always, always, from a distance.

Grief and Closure
So, perhaps, closure and grief never end.  And that’s ok w/me now.  At least for today.

Favorite quote about a story, any story, my story
A beginning, a middle, and a twist…(RL Stine)

I agree.  Great story and I look forward to hearing more  :thumbup:

Ideas/Tools for Recovery / Re: getting specific and taking action
« on: January 14, 2016, 02:13:50 PM »
Hello Whobuddy and Tired,

This topic sparked an interest for me because I feel like I am in a similar situation and working through some similar challenges.  First, the career that I dedicated myself to for 20+ years became a poor fit after my divorce and increased CPTSD symptoms and triggers.  It paid well too, but not when I simply couldn't do the job.  I have since found a job that I like with hours that I like that appears to pay very little.  However, I find that I have enough money to survive and even thrive. 

This week I have been thinking about my struggles to get to this point and I noticed a lot of the "old tapes" placed in my brain by caregivers and an ex-husband that turned in to my inner critic.  For example "you have to work full-time, 40+ hours, in order to survive" and another was "a low paying job makes you a less important or valuable person." 

I recently had the opportunity to go back down to a 30 hour work week and after some initial fear about being able to pay my bills I decided that it is possible and that I love my quality of life with a 30 hour work week.  Especially since my teenage son and recovery take a similar amount of emotional toll as my job. 

As for thinking I am somehow a worse person b/c I earn less, I continue to struggle and talk back to that demon.  Because ultimately I do believe that money doesn't determine a person's worth.  I feel my work is valuable and I like it so I just keep pushing that thought away.  I have found that I look at people who earn less in a different light than I used to do.  I used to have some kind of pity, or assumption that they don't really want to do the work or some other negative thought.  Mind you, these all come from my FOO and ex, but sadly I took them on to so I really try to return to my core which is to see and treat people as equals.  To look at qualities not "production" or "performance."

Spending.  Yes, I enjoy shopping and buying myself things.  I am learning to moderate my spending "treats."

Finally, I have found that when I do something I enjoy the rest follows.  I am still often surprised that I have more spending money with 1/3 the income that I had five years ago.  The difference is my divorce.  My ex was expensive!  Now I spend on what I value and seem to have enough...

So those are a few thoughts and parallel experiences for whatever they are worth.  I agree that you have a great service to offer and applaud you finding a skill that you like and do well.  And awareness of your challenges.  I also notice that Inner Critic does seem pretty harsh w/you about earning and your career.  You are taking steps and doing a lot of things well.  Whatever steps you take to handle your finances I trust they will work for you.

The Cafe / Re: The Inner Child of our Leaders
« on: January 07, 2016, 12:51:21 AM »
loved these pics.  thanks!  brought quite a smile to my face.  it's fun to see the "IC" in other adults too :)

Thank you Yvette.  Yes, writing is a great creative outlet for me and you illuminate the meaning well.  I love pomegranates on so many levels.  They invoke positive childhood memories since we had a tree in our back yard...must represent my inner child.  Yet they seem so incredibly grown up, beautiful like a brilliant ruby.  Sensual to taste and "pop" in my mouth...and the red representing the heart.  Love.

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