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Messages - Kizzie

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1
I am so sorry you and your siblings are having to deal with this Blue Rose.  Aging parents with medical issues can be difficult under normal circumstances but add in a parent with NPD and things get much more so.

Perhaps you could also talk with your siblings about an assisted care facility for your F or at the very least in home care. With my parents we convinced them both to move into a facility and it was a huge relief to know they were safe.  My NPD M felt much less strain caring for my D and was under scrutiny which helped to reduce her N behav, my F got the care he needed, and we slept better at night.  It might also be worthwhile talking to his physician and let him/her know the situation as your F really is vulnerable.

Hope this is helpful  :)

2
Recovery Journals / Re: Moving Forwards
« on: Today at 03:32:03 PM »
 :hug: :hug: :hug: You're doing the very best you can to deal with your symptoms BB and carry on with life. Overeating may be what you need in this moment as you feel your way through the anger at FOO and friend.  Maybe think of it as a way of bringing things down to a more manageable level  because it does feel overwhelming right now? 

3
It's sad that it has to come to that but doing what's best for you is great self-care and validation of your feelings and symptoms and what you need to do to for your health and well-being  :applause:  I don't think people get how exhausting emotionally and physically being hypervigilant and triggered are but we do here  :grouphug:

4
Dating; Marriage/Divorce; In-Laws / Re: Boundaries not working TW
« on: April 14, 2021, 04:24:29 PM »
I'm so sorry you're going through this InTheQuiet, I know that having CPTSD means you can't relax never knowing when she'll pop up so you end up being endlessly hypervigilant.

Have you had a conversation with your partner about just how triggering her ex is for you and why?  It sounds like you may need to put your heads together to solve the problem because something has to give and you've already tried yourself. It may take some coordination with the police even (restraining order) if she won't back away. 


5
Introductory Post / Re: Anyone else just shocked?
« on: April 14, 2021, 04:15:45 PM »
 :grouphug: InTheQuiet, glad you found your way here and took the risk of posting :thumbup:

6
Recovery Journals / Re: Moving Forwards
« on: April 13, 2021, 04:09:26 PM »
I'll bet your little ones like how adult you protects little furries, means they are safe with you and cared about   :yes:

7
Africa / The Green String Network
« on: April 11, 2021, 05:15:56 PM »
Green String Network developed the Well-being and Resilience (WebR) Framework which draws on the fields of neurobiology, psychology, restorative justice, conflict transformation, peacebuilding, and traditional practices

The WebR Framework expands practices related to trauma, justice, peacebuilding, spirituality and security and shows the importance of integrating these concepts into the personal, community, structural and societal levels.

The framework examines how historical injustices and their present manifestations through the lens of trauma and identifies the mechanisms for the transmission of historical trauma: legacies and aftermaths. These are the beliefs and structures responsible for transmitting trauma responses and circumstances between generations.


8
General Discussion / Re: Info/Resources
« on: April 11, 2021, 03:53:33 PM »
TW - it may be a little triggering for some who ended up having to visit or be in the cusotidy of ab abusive parent as ordered by family court. 

Adding this here because it explains why children who have been abused by their father are often forced to see him by order of family court. This in response to the argument put forth about "Parental Alienation Syndrome" by father's rights groups in the late 1990s. Imagine having to see your father who abuses you and the court, the law stands behind this.  The world is completely unsafe then.  :'(

"Punish the Children" - https://caper-beige-9sd8.squarespace.com/links

9
Recovery Journals / Re: Moving Forwards
« on: April 11, 2021, 03:34:28 PM »
So sorry this is such a difficult time BB, I really am.   :hug:    :hug:    :hug:  Hoping the  rain/snow will go away and the sun will shine so you can enjoy the garden  :sunny:

10
That is a spot on analogy Asche  :thumbup:   I know this feeling all too well and have lived in my head most of my life.

FWIW I don't think you're screwed up or broken, you are protecting yourself like most of us  here.  Dissociation, derealization, depersonalization are symptoms of CPTSD meant to protect us, help us survive trauma.  So often here we say it's not you, it's what happened to you and I'm coming to see that more and more.

My T and I are working on not just being in my head but in my body too, connecting with it a little bit at a time by acknowledging and accepting the parts of me that protect me from pain, fear, grief ....  We just do it in small doses - called titration - so I am not retraumatized and lock in those survival strategies.  So far, so good. 

In the past I haven't been able to do meditation/mindfulness because like you I am flooded when I do. I have talked with my T about this and she assures me this happens with many trauma survivors which is why we're going slow in trying to get back into my body. For example, instead of doing the full on mindfulness thing I just try to "notice" what's going on in my body and sit with it a bit then move away if I need to.  Knowing I can move away if/when it gets to be too much is freeing, before I always felt like a failure when I couldn't manage what everyone else seemed to be able to. Unfair comparison because they don't have overly sensitive amygdalas that take over when threat is perceived. 

Anyway, I hope this is helpful.  You're with kindred spirits here   :grouphug:

11
Recovery Journals / Re: Moving Forwards
« on: April 10, 2021, 03:21:29 PM »
Quote
I will be stepping away or the way I feel it more: retreating, drawing back. I have to do that for me. I want to do it for me too. The last months have been hard enough. They've taken their toll. I can do without that. Though I do see it as one more step toward healing. It's obviously difficult - that's why it's taking me so long.

It is difficult BB so please know I'm thinking of you and sending you care and support.  You're trying your best to do right by yourself in the face of more loss, that's the gain in this but it's hard to feel that I know  :hug:

12
General Discussion / Re: Information about Recovery
« on: April 09, 2021, 04:25:30 PM »
Tks to CreativeCat ( :hug:) for a link to this great article about how to manage regret over the choices we made in our lives. In a nutshell it's about being realistic and having compassion versus heaping more blame and shame on ourselves - https://adaa.org/learn-from-us/from-the-experts/blog-posts/consumer/how-handle-regret

13
General Discussion / Re: Grief about life choices
« on: April 09, 2021, 04:20:32 PM »
Quote
Ultimately I realised that I’m feeling regret, anger and grief because I AM healthier now and I now know what I didn’t know then. If this wasn’t the case then I wouldn’t even be aware enough to  regret -  if that makes sense??

It absolutely makes sense CC.  I keep having similar realizations lately and they are hard but like you I know I'm seeing/feeling the losses because I am willing and able to, I'm healthier.

Loved the article. It really does help not to heap blame on myself, but to look realistically and compassionately at where I was then and am now.  Tks for the link  :hug:

14
Recovery Journals / Re: Moving Forwards
« on: April 09, 2021, 04:08:35 PM »
It's not reasonable (or loving or supportive or ....)  to expect you to just get over it BB, it hurts and I know how that feels.  My NM would charm friends, take them over in some cases,  and they would think I was all sorts of bad because she was just so nice how could I speak badly about her? Same for family.  :'(

Hurt, anger and a loss as to what to do about it all -  :yes: and  :hug:  I stepped away and that was incredibly difficult but it was the best thing I could do for myself.  Whatever you decide for you -  :thumbup:

15
Hey Goblinchild - here's a link that may help.  There are caring professionals & people who know we so need connection and caring supportive treatment & community to heal.  I go to it when I'm feeling no-one "out there" seems to get this - http://bodyandsoulcharity.org/.

Body and Soul is built on love, kindness and a desire to understand one another. From the beginning, we created a ‘healing community’, inviting our members into an environment where everyone is keen to find out what happened to you before you met us, and what is going on in your life right now.

This tenacious attention to the nuance of individual circumstances is the foundation of a genuinely systemic, whole-person approach to health and well being. In dynamic dialogue with our members, we identify the most difficult aspects of their lives right now and take any immediate steps we can to resolve them, while also nurturing the practical, social and psychological factors that will protect them in the future.


I am reassured whenever I visit Body and Soul there are those who get this and maybe their example will foster others to do the same. It's why I tweet about B and S often, hoping to inspire interest in this approach.

There are people out there who do care and can help us.  :grouphug:

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