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Well welcome to Out of the Storm FlowerGirl, that is quite a story and I am so very sorry for all that you went through. It always amazes me that any of us come  out the other end able to engage in recovery work. So much drags us down and yet like you, many of us surface from being beaten down to fight for ourselves. Bravo to you that you are thankful for who you are, you should be. Shedding shame and the toxic versions of yourself your family and others have tried to foist on you is no small feat. It take courage and stubborn perseverance, and support like you'll find here.

    

That was quite the dream Hope! I have a lot of similar dreams in which I'm trying to go somewhere and have to gather my things quickly but I can't seem to get the job done no matter how hard I try.  I don't do so on speeding trains though 

Amazing what our minds can get up to in our sleep. I'm thankful they are only anxious type dreams and not the nightmares that plague many of our fellow survivors. 

[neurodevelopmental disorder]

I read up on this and found this one sentence kind of says it best: "Autism is a neurodevelopmental disorder that presents in early childhood, whereas CPTSD is a mental health condition that emerges after exposure to complex trauma".

This is not to say you don't have autism though, the two can co-occur according to what I read.  Just Google something to the effect "Are autism and CPTSD the same thing?" and lots of info will pop up.

It may be that your current therapist is not the one for you. It does happen and you are well within your rights to look for another one that sits you better and that you feel you are making progress with.

It could also be that you are irritated with yourself and them because there is something big bubbling up.  If you have a think or I guess a feel of what's going on and that might be it then maybe you should stay and see if you can get to the bottom of things?


IMO it's about you helping you find the help you need, whatever that may be.   

[really was that bad"]

Everything you have written tells me what happened to you was not in any way "small".  Abuse is abuse no matter how seemingly innocuous or small it seems. If the actions of another tells you you are not worth much, that you can be treated as nothing, that you are shameful, and so on, it was abusive. I suspect if you go back over what you wrote about and try to see the underlying messages, you'll see what I'm saying.

Something we often say here because newcomers often feel like it wasn't that bad is "If you have the symptoms of Complex PTSD, it really was that bad". You did not get what you needed and deserved as a child, the same as the rest of us here.   

 

So sorry to hear it's taking some time for the psychiatrist to respond, I know how difficult that is.   

BlueMoon, IMO you are well within your rights to let your T know that you think there may a particular issue, in this case possible SA, you need/want to talk about but let them know how you would like to approach it. It sounds like going slowly, testing the waters to see if you feel anxiety which as BB has suggested may signal there is something there you need to deal with may be the best approach. I'm always about going slow with things that cause anxiety or an EF to rise up because it's me telling me it's too much all at once.

And just my opinion here too, but the fact that you wrote a post about possible SA tells me that there is likely something there that needs dealing with so maybe don't delete it or at least if you do come back and revisit it at some point.  The things we push down have a way of popping back up.

Good luck, I hope you are able to find some good professional help. 

Meds are so individual Asdis, a bit of crap shoot to be honest. I was on Prozac for a couple of decades and it just helped me to keep my head above water but didn't fend off depression and anxiety all that well. It stopped working a couple of years ago and my GP was unable to help. It took quite a while but I finally got to see a psychiatrist and he helped me find meds that work for me. I don't know about where you live, but psych's here are like gold so very hard to get in to see one.

HungryDog, if you are really afraid of what you might do my suggestion is to get help at an Emergency Room at a hospital as soon as possible. You must be honest with them though and if you are they will likely refer you to their psychiatric department where hopefully you will find some help. There are good professionals who will help if you reach out. Unfortunately here we are all survivors and can't give you the help you feel you need  So, please make sure you get to some good help by starting with an ER at a hospital.

I felt like I was reading about myself when I read your post BlueMoon! All of my family including extended members never asked me about me. I felt invisible truth be told so I can relate to what you're saying. Very sorry for how you feel, it is hard I know.  You have a community here now and we see you. Being seen and heard and validated here is something hopefully you can take out into real life.  I know sharing with others here has helped me IRL, for the longest time the real me just flew below the radar and now I'm out more and more.
 

Hi Trius and a warm welcome to OOTS from my little corner of the world to yours  I always tell new members that if you have the symptoms of CPTSD it really was that bad and you do belong to this community. Hopefully, connecting here will help you to connect more IRL   

All the best Cactus Flower, so glad to hear you are doing well!  We'll be here when you come back 

Every day is a struggle internally between trying to do the work and trying not to drown in it. Constantly telling ourselves that we aren't lying, we aren't making it up, we only know what we know, etc and having to find ways to prove those statements without triggering ourselves further.  We don't know how to come to terms with not knowing, it makes this even more isolating.

All that you've said so eloquently resonates with me although I feel now like I've come out the other side, not to full recovery (I'm not certain that's possible), but to a place where I'm not struggling constantly between knowing and not knowing as you put it so well. It hurts when our walls start to come down but what we may not realize is that as they crack and crumble they begin to let in fresh air, sunlight and a sense of freedom and worth alongside the grief and anger. We also gain more of a sense of control and strength to manage this horrible injury we suffered. It takes time though and most of us find we have to deal with the trauma bit by bit or it overwhelms us.  And as NK suggests there are some walls that may never come down, memories that may never surface but that is as she says a protective thing we do for ourselves if something is just too much.

Hopefully being here will help you.

Hi She, I moved your post to the Intro area as it didn't quite fit in the other member's thread. Welcome to OOTS, I'm glad you found us and I'm sure you'll find being here helpful in your recovery given we all suffer from CPTSD and are trying to recover.