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I'm sorry I'm so on again off again with this forum. Spending too much time can actually get stressful and triggering in its own right.

So, my question.

Lately, I'm occasionally having these experiences where my mind will be wandering and bam! I get slugged with an image that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt is mine. I realize all that once I realize the following things in a big wave:  1. that I've experienced the memory before. 2. that at one time I could access it any point and have accessed it before. 3. For some untold period of time since then,  I seem to have lost the awareness that it existed. 4 I can access it at will, but it's colored by the events that surrounded remembering it again. 

I know that probably sound weird. It definitely feels weird. Today I had that happen, but with such vividness that I could practically feel the fabrics that I was in contact with; I could feel so much fear and remembered little bits of what surrounded the memory.

Please tell me someone else has experienced this. It's five days until I see my therapist again, and I really want someone to tell me I'm not crazy.

Sanmagic7 and Elphanigh,

Those experiences sound terrible.  I'm so sorry they happened to you.  I really don't understand how people can act the way these people did.  It makes no sense to me. 

In my case, my f used me against my mother, but also to lie to other people, and I just feel terrible about it.   And I think there must be other things too that I must not be thinking of right now.  I  know he tried to get me to lie to the government when he wouldn't do it himself. 

In my case, however, I can't help but feel that I did have some responsibility because there were times when I said no.  So, when I didn't say no, I should have.

I starting to realize that my abuser used me to do dishonest or just plain mean things.  And I'm starting to get angry and very disappointed with myself.  Did anyone else's abuser do this?  I know this must not be an isolated thing, but, nonetheless, I'm looking for someone to tell me that it isn't just me. 

Tea-the-Artist, the book that I'm reading right now - The Body Keeps the Score - says that isn't that uncommon for trauma survivors to be disconnected from their bodies.  The writing says that people unintentionally disconnect from their sensations because they can't handle the physical sensations that come as a result of their trauma - the tightness of anxiety, body flashbacks, that weird feeling in the pit of the stomach, etc. etc. etc.

I experience the same thing, to a lesser degree.  I can tell when I'm that hungry (like right now because I haven't had breakfast yet, lol), but sometimes I'll totally miss some types of physical pain or tension in my body. 

It does make self-care more challenging, doesn't it?

oh my goodness, what a terrible thing to teach kids. That must have been so damaging to grow up with. Proud of you for stepping in for your great nephew.

Good gravy.  Taking that quiz was discouraging...

I am thankful for this.  I think SH/suicidal thoughts are a deep and significant part of a lot of people's trauma/cptsd experience, and it's great that this forum is another place where we don't have to feel like they're "wrong" or unacceptable.

Welcome!

Hello,

If you feel that you or a minor is in immediate danger please leave the area and call 9-1-1. 


I am certainly not in a place to determine what type of reaction the situation warrants. But, by all means, trust your intuition on this.
My recommendation is to contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline or chatline 800-799-safe
http://www.thehotline.org/

or the national childabuse hotline at 800-422-4453, depending on your age and if you are in the US. 

You might try these if you are in the UK
Women's Aid National Domestic Violence Helpline
0345 023 468

The Samaritans
0845 790 9090

When you can, please do update us.  I'm praying for you.   

and whoah... I wish it talked more about non-violent trauma than it has so far, but still I connect with it so well.  It's cool to read about what my brain is doing, why I get so triggered that it gets difficult to speak, what my brain is doing during a flashback etc.  And it makes me feel so much less crazy.  My reactions aren't weird, even if I don't know of anyone else around me who is experiencing them.

I'm so happy for you!  It sounds like a therapist-client relationship that can be built and that you can learn to trust. 

I guess it could be an EF, couldn't it?  It's definitely different than previous ones I've had, though.

I definitely experience this.  In fact, most of my dreams are of the anxiety type, if they aren't nightmares.  I wish I had something to offer in terms of advice.  But I did want to join in in letting you know that you aren't alone.

I went to bed feeling that way and woke up feeling that way, even though I slept for 10 hours.  I'm still exhausted and panicky. The last few months my hypervigilance and startle response had calmed down a great deal.  As the flashbacks have been ramping up, so have they.  Not only is my brain throwing flashbacks at me, but regular memories out of the blue.  They don't pull me backward the way flashbacks do, but they're disorienting because I don't understand where they're coming from or why they're significant.  They're random flashes of things that seem utterly unconnected to my life and well...completely pointless in general.  And then many of them, I lose right away.  I know they've happened, but not what they were about. 

I just want to be able to stay in approximately the present.  All of this is really exhausting and distracting and it kind of makes me freeze up and dissociate, which isn't particularly useful, especially at work when I have to think.  And I also don't feel like there's anyone in my regular, everyday life that I can share it with, so I feel really alone.  I know that I'm not going crazy, but I feel a little bit like I am, even though I also feel like I'm being melodramatic.     

Goodness sakes, this could be a long day, and I don't want to face work that starts in 25 minutes because I don't think I have any professionalism or bubbliness in me. 

Thank you both for making me feel a little less crazy.  You know, it's hard getting used to a new CPTSD symptom and very disorienting. 

Elphanigh, I will definitely try the things you've said (or at least try to remember.  I sort of freeze up.)

Three Roses, that sounds awful.  Thank you for your care.  I do have a T I'm working with, thank goodness.  I will definitely be careful, though I don't know if there's anything I can do to stop or halt this process.