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I don't think I realized just how tumultuous this journey was going to be.  I've spent the last two months or so being devastated once I accepted just how deep the damage is emotionally.  More than anything, I've been trying to find a way to 'say it's not so' and yet I only dig myself in deeper to the fact  that it is true and it is real. 

Last week, I experienced something that I don't remember experiencing before--two full days of being in a dissociative state and not knowing how I got there or why.  I tried everything to pull out of it, but nothing was working.  It's over now and I'm pretty sure I know what it was about now and will process it through tomorrow with my T.  I'm also finding that I'm 'losing' information alot more now...like having read an article and having no recollection of it's contents whatsoever.  It's like my brain is working overtime to keep me in the dark regarding areas that I am not yet ready to deal with.  Our brains are amazing in how they work to attempt to protect us from what is perceived to be a threat. 

I think that one of the most devastating realizations over the past four months is that 'this'...'this journey...' this--whatever the * it is' is never going to fully 'end.'  It will always be.  The gift that keeps giving. 

It's been so incredibly hard in therapy as I struggle to accept my new 'reality' and I'm very fortunate to have a really good therapist.  I knew when I committed to this process in January or February that it was going to be a long road--but I don't think I fully understood what that meant.  A while back as I was saying good bye to my T at the end of the session, I was joking about her having to 'put up' with me for another 5 or ten years...and she looked at me and said, "We'll grow old together."  *, it's already been 12 years--she watched my kids grow up but I get it.  It's going to be a long journey.  And there's no turning back. 

I remember back to 9 months.  I try and avoid any others. 

Thank you so much Kizzie and BeHealthy: 

Your posts are words spoken in time.  More than you could possibly know.  I can't thank you enough!




Amy

First off, Kizzie...you are wonderful.  You really care alot about the members of this board and it shows. 

Secondly, I'm dismayed. I have absolutely no recollection of this article, this thread or my posting.  Guess it hit too close to home??? 

It really bugs the living crap out of me when this happens.  It makes me feel crazy.

SC:

I will be praying for you.  Please know I'm here if you need to talk. 



Amy

Hi there! 

Oh, I SO get it!  I have Lupus and a bad heart.  I see a rheumatologist and a cardiologist almost monthly.  On top of that, I get monthly infusions for the Lupus and blood draws every time I see the rheumatologist. 

I told my doctors about my past and my aversion to touch.  They are both really good about it. 

Since my Lupus was undiagnosed during my pregnancies, I spent a large amount of time in the hospital.  Every morning at 5 AM they would come in for blood draws.  I got to the point where I could sleep through them. 

I figure, the maladaptive behaviors we have now but were necessary for survival as a child can be used to our benefit.  It's the old addage that our greatest strength is also our greatest weakness.  For example, if someone criticizes me and says I'm stubborn, I can turn that into a compliment and say I'm tenacious.  If they say that I'm intellegent, they can also say I'm a know-it-all. 

So I use my dissociation.  I shut off the pain.  I shut off the touch for that moment.  The more I cooperate the faster it will be over.  Unfortunately, I learned that lesson as a child too. 

So I let the doctors know and they do well with me.  For the things that can't be helped, I shut off the pain or diss if necessary.  I don't think all dissociation is bad.  I just don't.  I had to do a two hour MRI and am exceptionally claustrophobic.  It took 45 minutes for me to purposely dissociate and they waited patiently for me to 'get' to that state...but I finally got there and got the test over and done with.  I'm going to have to do it again and hopefully this time the atavan will be ready in time.  LOL.  Seriously, I see no difference between the atavan and the dissociation I was able to do--both put me in a calm state so the doctors could do all the prodding they want. 

Anyway, hope that helps...

Amy

Not exactly the same thing.  I think you have to trust before you can allow them to have control.  For example, Cheryl wanted to revisit the issue that had me such a mess last Thursday.  Before, the door would be shut hard and NO WAY I would allow her to have control over that.  I could have easily done that yesterday--it was my choice.  So even though I ultimate DO have control, I allowed her to be directive and trust that she knew what was best for me. 

Last night I thought long and hard about that.  Really, it's the same issue over and over and over--me wanting to run when it gets so painful.  Just shut down and move on.  But I can't do that anymore.

I was somewhat 'shut down' yesterday but was not resistant and tried really hard to do the work.  It just wasn't happening yesterday no matter how hard we tried. 

So, the question last night, in thinking (and feeling) about all of it, as much as I hate it, I knew what I had to do.  I realized then, that subconsciously, I know what I'm so afraid of.  I know what's coming and it's terrifying and I don't want to.  But I have to and I can't do it alone...I need her help...and I hate that even more. 

So if I didn't trust her, I could not get to the point I'm at now.  And, yeah, she does have control in our sessions...given willingly to her by me. 

Boy, it's been a while since I posted here.  SO much has happened in the last several weeks and I'm not even going to begin to try and explain it all.  All I can say is, it's been a bumpy road and I have to take it one day at a time. 

Friday, I was 'back' to the old me and what a welcome relief it was!  I was ecstatic.  I JUST want to stay there...be content at all times.  Not happy--happy is a fluctuating emotion whereas contentment is a state of being.  I just wanted to be back there and not have to deal with the heaviness of all of this. 

Today in session, I was pretty much back to the 'old' me.  Just happy.  There was no pain, or anguish, or ugliness that comes with all of this.  No fragmentation, dissociation or any other -tion thing.  Cheryl tried to get me in touch with that place, but it was blank.  I honestly tried hard--it just wasn't there. 

Deep down, I felt like that was NOT good.  Sort of like a warning siren.  Something was wrong.  Of course, I didn't tell HER that.  I could tell from the look in her eyes she already knew that. 

So that leaves me with the question...do I go 'back' there...or stay here?  I LIKE ignorant bliss.  It's quite nice.  But is it truly the best there is for me??  If I stay here; I stay in a place of isolation...of keeping others at arms distance because that's all I can handle (or be comfortable with).  However, if I go back and start this 'path' again, it will be torture again...agony.  But even with only a month or two under my belt, I can 'feel' the difference on the inside, just in that moment when Cheryl gives me a hug.  It's different--I don't just 'tolerate' it and endure because that's what I'm supposed to do--I can actually 'connect' and know that she truly and honestly cares for me.  (And no, I purposely did not say cares 'about' me).  It's torture, yes, but needed.  Very needed.  It's been 53 years of being needed. 

Do I really wanna turn my back on that???

Honest to God, I DON'T know. 

I just don't know.

I have that same question and it frustrates me.  It's said to be like layers of an onion.  You dealt with the issue; but now it's time to peel off another layer. 

I hate onions.

I hate layers.

Yep.   

ROFL, what an image!!!  I always have a mental list and then berate myself afterwords for forgetting most of it.     It's just frustrating.  NOT a morning person at all.  I think I saw her once at 8:30AM.  I don't remember it, but I'm sure it wasn't a pretty picture.  I'm not very nice prior to my first sip of morning java.  I must be a god...because they say that coffee is 'the liquid of the gods.'  JK

What if I break down at the end and can't stop crying am I going to have to walk through that lobby like that?

AGAIN...BWAAA HAAAA HAAA HAA!  I just said that to my T on Thursday and have said it ongoing to her since...well forever.  That though creeps me out. 

Here's my advice...FWIW...   :-)  Tell her.  Show her your posts.  You say it perfectly.  If she can't handle you, you give her an out BEFORE you get hurt.  If she can...you will know (from your professional training) by her body language if she can handle you.  If she can, it will scare the living daylights out of you.  Promise.  Don't run. 

Plus, I'm not going anywhere...you are way too much FUN...so you aren't alone anymore. 

Not too detailed at all!  I'm sitting here giggling because our stories are quite similar! 

First off, it would be unprofessional for me to work with you because of my own subjectivity regarding the issues.  Of course I could work with PTSD, but the similarities in our stories--even if I've worked through most of those issues--could mean that my subjectivity could creep in without me knowing and cause projection onto you.  Not fair; not right.  I've only had one client that I needed to refer out because of subjectivity.  She refused to see anyone else, so I did work with her for about two years with heavy supervision of my work with her with my supervisor.  Two years later, we became friends.  I remember NOTHING of what she talked about in therapy--one of the wonderful things I can do now--choose things to forget.  23 years later, she is very dear to me.   You would end up falling into this category.  I'd much rather have a cup of coffee with you and laugh at Starbucks than sit in a counseling session.  I 'give' my friends therapeutic information, but don't 'do' therapy with them. 

My Dad beat the crap out of my mother--was emotionally and verbally abusive to me, but not physical.  There was one time that he picked me up and threw me across the room.  I hit the wall and slid down.  It didn't hurt and I thought it was kinda fun.  He left and didn't come back for a week.  I was standing in between him and my Mom because I was home sick from school and he was going to beat her up again.  His beatings caused things like broken legs, missing teeth oh and knocking her so hard that her head got lodged between two wrought iron stair rail posts that had to be pried apart to get her loose.  She was unconscious and I'll leave it at that. 

But SHE was the alcoholic and my abuser.  She tried to kill me four times when I was four.  She'd chase me around the house with a knife and I'd hide in the laundry chute.  I was the youngest of five, so the others were in school.  She always blamed me for her misery in life.  She firmly believed that I was sent from the devil to torture her.  One time, when she couldn't catch me, she stopped.  She was still raging saying that it was my fault; that I was a gd spoiled brat.  Then she said "You made me do this".  I snuck out and she was standing at the kitchen sink with blood spurting out of her wrist.  It looked to me like a fountain because it squirted with her heart beat.  That was her first time in a psych hospital. 

I was fortunate.  At 14, during the custody hearing, she went in drunk and told the judge she wanted me dead and wished I had never been born.  She said if he gave her custody of me, I'd be dead in 28 hours.  Weeeellll, that was it--Dad got sole legal and physical custody with his discretion as to if I ever saw her again.  I was her 7 times in 39 years--8 if you count viewing her. 

I too have sleep issues.  I cannot have anyone in the bed with me.  I have to sleep alone.  The kids and ex joke about waking me up and no one ever wants to because if they even slightly touch me, I wake up screaming and in a sheer terror.  That's from my mother too--coming into my bed to molest me.  We moved into an old house when I was 11, where every room had it's own skeleton key.  It took me a year to hunt each and every one down to find the key to my door and lock her out. 

As strange as it sounds, it's nice to know that someone understands.  On Thursday, my T was hugging me goodbye and said, "I KNOW that this is really hard for you."  She was sincere and I appreciate that.  But I looked her right in the eyes and said, "No Cheryl.  You DON'T know and you should be really grateful for that." 

I can and would give you a hug and say those same exact words, but you wouldn't have a reply like I (or better you and I) had with Cheryl, because...I DO know.  I do get it.  I don't want to get it.  LOL  And neither do you.  But thank GOD we do.  There is a level of comfort in that!

I don't know.  Looking at my family line, my father had extreme anger issues and my brothers are just like him.  But not me or my two sisters. 

Here's the weird part, my eldest son has what I call "The Wilson Rage."  I've talked with him throughout his life about it and he seems to be much better about it. 

I don't rage.  I can get very angry but once I've said my piece, I'm done. 

My Dad has done a complete 180 in his later years.  He's amazing.  And seriously his rage was exceptionally abusive and permanently damaging. 

So I agree with SCat (and you are right, her posts are wonderful).  There is hope.   

Ahhhh, you ARE similar to me.  FWIW, For What It's Worth.   

18 years in law enforcement--my ex was medically retired after 23.  It does a number on you.  That one case I mentioned?  You guys are the first line.  I got the story from the kids.  Not permissible in criminal court, but damned admissible in Dependency Court.  We tend to overlook those as 'traumas' because they fall to the background in dealing with the family stuff.

I'm so sorry you found your Dad.  That's unimaginably tragic.  My Mother passed recently...in September.  She was my main abuser.  I had only seen her 7 times in 35 years--her choice.  I thought I had dealt with the issues and it would be sad when she died, but it would be the end of a horrible chapter in my life. 

Not.  I say, it's the gift that keeps giving.  I mean, when someone we love dies, we grieve (5 stages of grief, yada yada) because we 'lose' that relationship. 

BUT...no one ever informed me of this--even as a therapist--that when an abuser dies...the relationship DOESN'T!!!  It keeps going and going and going...(Rolls eyes).  A gift that keeps on giving--a gift you never wanted in the first place. 

So, honestly, I totally get you.  I'd never be able to work with you professionally because--oh, I GET you! 

And, FWIW, I do care...even if it's just words on a page...I honestly do.  I get it.  And I'm sure we BOTH wish I didn't. 

Hugs,

Amy