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Messages - the mirliton

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Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: It happened again.. *tw*
« on: February 26, 2019, 04:38:46 AM »
Dear Elphanigh,
You are a shining bright soul and I am so sorry to hear about what happened to you. When you are a caring, loving, respectful person it makes it extremely difficult to "see" someone who is not. My T shared with me, after she listened to me saying how dense I was to keep finding myself in unsafe relationships, that because my abuse began at a very young age by my parents the concept of boundaries was never introduced.
And speaking for myself, it has proven to be a difficult thing for me to learn and use (boundaries) in pretty much all of my relationships.
This (OOTS) is a good place for much needed understanding, support and  :grouphug:
 

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Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: I can't handle all the triggers
« on: February 15, 2019, 05:00:44 AM »
Rovivrus,
I totally am with you on the wanting to be here and participate, and yet finding that I come to OOTS when I feel utterly alone and broken. I truly appreciate the understanding from everyone on this forum that does post that it is okay if I don't.
I do not feel the alone-ness quite as much when I visit here.
Even though I am.
If I can muster up enough of the stuff I need for a change, then I will move to the coast and find myself a little place where I can once again have a furry  unconditional full of love roomy.
I am just so weary of having to work so very hard to feel ok. One of these days, perhaps I will finally treat mySELF with the respect, understanding and compassion that flows OUT of me so easily.
I do not care for this holiday.
At all.

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Introductory Post / Re: Hola!
« on: January 05, 2019, 01:21:29 AM »
Bienvenido Maximo!
May you find comfort on this forum like I have...
I found that this CPTSD journey that I got dealt very early in life is a bit easier to manage with the kindred spirits here at OOTS. :grouphug:

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Christmas & New Years / Re: New year and self.care
« on: January 03, 2019, 03:56:12 AM »
Hello Boatsetsailrose,
I did not even wish you (and everyone else) a Happy New Year! I am doing better, and appreciate the positive outlook(s) that you have shared as well as Three Roses. I finally was able to start back with my therapist after being unable to see him for quite a few months.  I, too am looking to improve my relationship with myself. While I was at the DBT Institute for weekly group/and individual sessions, we always started off with a "Loving Kindness" practice (Metta) I somehow stopped doing it, and now realize how spending just 13 minutes each morning really can be positive foundation for the day (it can only help right?) I appreciate everyone on this forum  :grouphug: it helps me so much to be able to reach out and communicate (or not) perhaps get an idea or two on coping with CPTSD and know that I am not alone.
Here's to New Year worthy of celebration!

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Christmas & New Years / Re: New year and self.care
« on: January 01, 2019, 04:37:32 PM »
Boatsetsailrose,
I used up all I had (therapy bag of tools for self care) to try and finish 2018 ok, that's all I wanted was to just feel ok. I am starting out this year already depleted of any desire to "carry on". Hope? I am just weary of it all...working so hard to not feel like I am drowning in all of the mud that is my life.  This past year has been difficult, I visit OOTS often, however usually I am feeling such self loathing that my shame keeps me from being able to reach out, without fear that I will be punished, ridiculed or ignored for just being me, and even writing this post is draining me. Pretty pathetic self-talk since this is the one place where that would not happen.  I don't want to start the year out feeling this way.
I thought I was ready to embrace the good. I am not. Another year of being me? Nope.
I am so very tired.

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Christmas & New Years / Better Days...I am So Ready For You!
« on: January 01, 2019, 04:53:28 AM »
I had read somewhere that a good way to END a year and then BEGIN a new one is to do things that can help your soul to smile (not sure where I read that but I thought it sounded like a decent idea)
I love music and while searching for a song to say goodbye AND also welcome the beginning of a New Year this one by the GooGoo Dolls won:
Wishing everyone here at OOTS and everywhere "Better Days"

https://youtu.be/i-kHleNYIDc

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Anxiety (eg General, Social, Panic Attacks) / Re: Scared
« on: December 22, 2018, 07:05:24 AM »
Dear Sceal,
I totally get it with living with fear. Speaking for myself, I feel deep frustration when I am immobilized by it, adding to the intensity of the fearful feelings instead of accomplishing a I-am-moving-forward agenda.  :'(  This poem has been my "go to chant" for more years than I would like to recall and I look forward to the day when I do not need to bring it to the fore-front of my brain to help me navigate the dark waters of being alone and fearful. It was written by William Ernest Henley (1849-1903) and is titled Invictus
"Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find me, unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul."

Sceal you deserve restorative rest! May it find you.

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thank you woodsgnome for sharing this. I have been on auto-pilot basically my whole life to go to that too familiar dark place of shame to justify my (past and present)  traumatizers.

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Hello Anem,
I do not post often, however frequently visit OOTS as I find comfort, wisdom and a feeling of being understood with the challenges I face when it seems that "triggers" are waiting for me at every corner along my path. I wanted to take a moment to cheer you on! One foot in front of the other, step by step you are walking AWAY from the muck that you know has not been a life that was worth investing all of your precious spirit and time on. "They" say that solutions and help come to us when we open ourselves and trust in the process. The problem I  :thumbup:find with that line of thinking is that, (and I am speaking from my own experiences) it is hard to visualize anything other than pain and distrust. You deserve a life worth living and it is so brave of you to go forth to find it! I am just now realizing that I can believe in mySELF and not leave my peace of mind and well-being up to anyone else. I will be zooming confident thoughts to you that life will begin to provide stepping stones to help you with your journey out of the muck.

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Letters of Recovery / Re: Letter to my Anger ...
« on: November 10, 2018, 07:26:55 PM »
Woodsgnome,
As always your keen writing ability articulates your thoughts so clearly on your posts.
Anger. 
I have been really struggling with it, especially these last couple of days. Perhaps it  :pissed: might not have to get so intense if I would just acknowledge its presence? I direct any and all negative feelings, especially anger, inward. Nothing like feeling that way over and over and over...
Thank you for sharing.

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 :thumbup: awesome on going on a walk...that is such a great way to reinforce that you are moving forward! And yes on the taking it "one day at a time" speaking for myself, sometimes it might only be one hour at a time or even less, however I have come to celebrate any time spent not being stuck in my own darkness. Well done! And welcome to  OOTS  :grouphug:!

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Memory/Cognitive Issues / Re: ADD
« on: October 24, 2018, 02:24:22 AM »
Hello goblinchild,
Speaking for myself, it has been a rough road when it comes to diagnosis's (is that even a word?  ???)  that have been bequeathed to me over the years. CPTSD was/is spot on for me, which only came up within the last couple of years. Manic Depressive/Bi-Polar was the first "label" that my family in particular liked because it made me seem like the one causing any and all of the negative commotion in my life. The problem with that, or any incorrect diagnosis, is that often times the meds prescribed only add to the CPTSD symptoms. I do not know how I slipped under the radar for ADHD testing, and it was only when my guru psy. nurse actually listened to my frustrations of wanting to practice and use some of the skills I learned after a year of attending a DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) Institute (twice a week WITH homework for ONE year) Oh yea, I was also mis-diagnosed with having Borderline Personality Disorder.
OK this is getting a bit lengthy. So! with the diagnosis of ADHD and CPTSD and some stellar medications I now (for the most part) can at least slow down my reactions to triggers. I finally sleep better and can actually focus for more than 5 minutes which has helped my sometimes very low self esteem. What I like is that the combination of meds that I do take do not feel like I am being medicated. Does that make sense?  I do NOT like medications and much prefer healthy eating/practicing mindfulness and hanging out with animals and trees.  ;D They (the meds) have helped me to be able to do more of the things that I love and not lose as much time from my "episodes".  I would also have to say that I am probably still alive because of the meds for my ADHD helping to slow down my trigger-finger.
Sending positive thoughts to surround you as you investigate this further.

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Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: Not sure what to say
« on: October 18, 2018, 03:54:49 AM »
Hello Ah,
Well I do not have any hugs or encouraging words to offer other than when I am feeling isolated, unlovable and unable to even want to treat myself with any sort of kindness, I come to OOTS and find some comfort knowing that there are others that have endured life lessons on HOW NEVER EVER TO TREAT ANYONE OR ANYTHING the way too many of us have experienced.  This forum is totally opposite of the expression "misery loves company".  The encouraging  replies that so many offer, even though they are navigating through their own murky waters touches my soul. I would like to contribute more, however when I am in my dark space I have nothing to offer.
It sucks feeling this way. It's been suggested that my anger needs to be validated AND also not directed at my-Self. So where can it go?? Anyway, this isn't much of a response and for that I apologize. I just wanted to share that as I go to sleep (or try to) I will hold a bit of heart space for you and maybe even a small spot for myself.

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I am so thankful for this forum and each one of you for sharing. It helps tremendously to know I am not alone with my strong reactions to the present political climate.  A co-worker of mine (female) wanted to talk about the testimony.  I did not listen to it, for many reasons, but thought I should let her share her observations and feelings. I really did not think that I would get so triggered by what she had to say.  She started saying that to her she thought the judge was very adamant and believable, and that the woman could not be more specific with her details so she was probably making some of it up! I could not control my self and so looked at her directly and asked if or how many times she had been sexually assaulted. She knew very little of my history, so I blurted out about what it's like to try and live a life worth living while carrying trauma within our bodies. I did not mean to do be so blunt, however I was shocked at her reaction! Anyway, I AM grateful for each and every person who participates in this healing space, reminding  me that I am not alone and that there are (unfortunately too many) souls out there who "get it" and understand.  :grouphug:

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mourningme and everyone else who has joined in this conversation of understanding what it feels like to be weary of the journey. I find myself in that dark space much too often as well, and it is not a subject that is easily shared and/or understood by others. I lived on an island in Alaska for some time and one of the challenges was being able to actually fly in to or leave. Kodiak would often get "socked in" (our expression for no sun and some massively thick low cloud cover) It was beyond frustrating knowing that planes could neither come or go and that above the dense cloud cover there was a sun. It could go on for weeks.  Being "socked in". I liken my darker thoughts to that. A small part of me knows that the sun is still out there...somewhere... but in the meantime all one can do is hunker down and wait it out.

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