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Messages - anosognosia

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1
He is constantly verbally abusive, he has hit me and we need to get away from each other.  My therapist and I are both pondering on how to best accomplish that. And yet not leave him on the street destitute. If I have to? I will call the police.  But I don't want to.  So far threatening to do so has kept him in check.

He is not liking the new me, the one that says No?

Wow wow you are certainly turning tides and I can only imagine the unfamiliar and uncomfortable territories that come with it (maybe guilt? at least that'swhat I would feel).  I respect your process so much.

2

Just as a side note I've noticed that in the research and my personal experience of NPD people it's this odd combination of "spoiling" (giving in too much) combined with neglect/abuse.  At least in my case w/my son I feel like I was "spoiling" too much (not setting enough boundaries) combined w/the neglect from his father.  I know that was the case w/my NPD ex, emotional incest w/his mom combined w/abuse and neglect by his father and extended family.  And I'm sure the genes play a roll.  And definitely we all do the best that we can at the time.

C I am curious about this research about spoiling too much and neglect.  What sources have you come across? It somehow resonates with me too and I want to explore further. 

I agree with you that there's an interplay between genes and environment. They say that environment is the trigger and the genes are the guns. 

3

He has no record at all.  I am proud of that if nothing else. He has nothing at all on his record, and I did it single handedly. Through sheer grit. Because I thought if he had a record?  That he would have to live with that stigma for the rest of his life.  So I got him off. Through begging and programs, and lawyers, and promises.

But maybe he should have had a record.  Maybe he would have been better off if I had stepped aside and said "You do the crime, you do the time."  I don't know.

We just do the best we can, you know? But we can't do it all.  They have to help. So love them as best you can, but you can't make them love you. That's their choice.

I just know he is a Narcissist, and has nothing for anybody. And that's not my fault. He had every chance in the world.  He was loved and cared for, and I did the best I could. Maybe I did too much, but I do not think that my doing made him a Narcissist. I think there was something wrong with to start with, and I did my best to stop it?  But I couldn't do it. This is why I think Narcissism is genetic. I think I gave it to him. Through my genes.

VF I totally get the sense that you do everything you can in your power to help him. Do you think there's a mismatch between his needs and yours?  What are your needs in this relationship dynamic? What have the supports told you and him? 

4
 :sadno:  I've come to the recent realization that I've adopted more and more of my F's narcissistic traits.

I'm kind of battling this realization right now and it's been bothering me for the last few days. 


....

I look forward to this week's exercises though, they seem very deep and thought provoking.

5
Ano - Sorry for my ignorance but what is ED?  Also I seem to be having a great deal of trouble understanding what exactly dissociation is?  I went on the Internet and read a few things, but I am still having trouble with understanding it?  I read one example that talked about getting lost while reading a book.  If that is what dissociation is, then I have been dissociated most of my life!  If you or anyone can give me some examples of what happens to you when you experience it, I would really appreciate it!  Thanks!

Ah sorry, ED = eating disorder. I almost died from it because I was so malnourished.
Dissociation - when the traumatic event is so unprocessable I just numb out - derealisation and depersonalization. As if what I'm going through is not real and I'm in a dream world.  All ways my body is trying to protect me from the painful reality.

6
1.   What kind of aggressive/hostile feelings are activated in your therapy sessions? What seems to trigger them?  Have you discussed this process with your therapist?  This is a legitimate topic for your therapy and your therapist should be able to help you with it without withdrawing needed support from you.

I've never had any homicidal ideations, probably because I was receiving death threats from my F as a kid.

It's so hard to get in touch with hostile feelings I have inside. When I do have them (maybe once a year max) it happens in private and it passes in a few seconds.

I dissociate immediately after an intense therapy session, eg when we talked about my ED, I dissociated for a few weeks.

7
I have an intense fixation to fall or jump when I'm on heights - eg I was at the opera a few days ago on the third floor and the railings were really low, maybe up to my thighs. I could have easily jumped.

I also have these really hard muscle knots which I have to massage out every week or so to prevent them from becoming giant.

8
The Cafe / Re: Today I realized that...
« on: May 12, 2015, 07:33:43 PM »
Today I realised that I'm with the partner I'm supposed to be with right now. He's so easy going and understanding and forgiving without being a pushover.

I'm so grateful that I'm learning a quiet, non-painful, non-tumultuous love through him. It's surprising and scary and disturbing to experience such an all-around good relationship. 

9
'kay so I haven't talked to my T in a week or so but I bet we both would agree that my issues are deep core issues of feeling illegitimate in this world.

I don't know if this would ever go away - this core feeling of not being allowed to have come to this world.  I wasn't supposed to have arrived (a girl). I still have this theme of redemption hanging over me, and it degrades away at my attempts of building self esteem.

I fight it everyday through mindfulness, taking deep breathes and trying to register my sense of groundedness in the world just by de facto existing and living. 


I'll break it down into more particular aspects of my life & interventions I've introduced:
Physical:
-teeth grinding - mouth guard
-insomnia - sleeping pill
-fatigue - exercise and stretching and yoga

Work:
-procrastination - mantras such as "step into the light", you deserve to thrive
-assertiveness (standing up for my needs and not being walked all over on) - working on time-outs when I'm feeling annoyed/angry, journalling, and talking to my colleagues about it after I've identified why I felt my boundaries violated

Personal relationships:
-feeling emotional pain when my partner doesn't agree to do exactly what I want to do - I take it personally, interpret it as abandonment. 
I identify this deep pain as something coming from my childhood rather than a current offense, and then I try to breathe through the pain and diffuse the misunderstanding or any sense of conflict I may be displaying.  This is a very core problem and I have to journal my way through it.

*overall I also want to work on a script to buy myself a time out when I feel emotions strongly - eg "I'm feeling some weird emotions but it's gonna take me some time to get to the bottom of it so I need a virtual cave."

10
Ideas/Tools for Recovery / Poems related to recovery
« on: May 12, 2015, 06:11:13 PM »
I tried to find the right corner to post this note in, but if the mods deem another place more appropriate, I would most definitely respect this.

I wanted to share this poem which moved me so much.

I wanted to start this thread so others may post some poems which were instrumental in their recovery.

Quote
"Someday I'll love Ocean Vuong" by Ocean Vuong:

After Frank O’Hara / After Roger Reeves
 
"Ocean, don’t be afraid.
The end of the road is so far ahead
it is already behind us.
Don’t worry. Your father is only your father
until one of you forgets. Like how the spine
won’t remember its wings
no matter how many times our knees
kiss the pavement. Ocean,
are you listening? The most beautiful part
of your body is wherever
your mother’s shadow falls.
Here’s the house with childhood
whittled down to a single red tripwire.
Don’t worry. Just call it horizon
& you’ll never reach it.
Here’s today. Jump. I promise it’s not
a lifeboat. Here’s the man
whose arms are wide enough to gather
your leaving. & here the moment,
just after the lights go out, when you can still see
the faint torch between his legs.
How you use it again & again
to find your own hands.
You asked for a second chance
& are given a mouth to empty into.
Don’t be afraid, the gunfire
is only the sound of people
trying to live a little longer. Ocean. Ocean,
get up. The most beautiful part of your body
is where it’s headed. & remember,
loneliness is still time spent
with the world. Here’s
the room with everyone in it.
Your dead friends passing
through you like wind
through a wind chime. Here’s a desk
with the gimp leg & a brick
to make it last. Yes, here’s a room
so warm & blood-close,
I swear, you will wake—
& mistake these walls
for skin."


http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2015/05/04/someday-ill-love-ocean-vuong

11
Step 8 (Apr 27 - May 3) / Re: Announcements for this week
« on: May 12, 2015, 06:07:47 PM »
I'm just slowly catching up after a few weeks of reconstructing my life, after an unexpected medical issue of a pet.

12
A trust issue I need to address w/my T.  I need to have some source of income in order to pay the fees, so is that topic self-serving for him?....It's a bit of a conundrum like I need to work to pay for therapy, but I don't need as much therapy when I don't work...

You absolutely have a right to recharge your batteries and nourish your soul even if it means a change in temporal dynamics with your T.  Is there any way you could go to a sliding scale basis or see them less often with a greater emphasis on home-work and/or self-work?

I'm sometimes so overwhelmed at how much power our Ts have over us- they know our core, we've exposed our most raw ends to them. 

13

I will no longer let unfair untrue accusations inside of me anymore!

That's got to be a tough situation to navigate. I'm glad you worked out a strategy with your son. There is so much power in inaction, it's sometimes overwhelming to me.  (Versus re-action, which I have a tendency to do, almost like a programmed reflex.)

Thank you for sharing this!

14
General Discussion / Re: How do I move through the grief?
« on: April 28, 2015, 03:35:31 PM »
Over the past several months I’ve come to better understand the origins of my C-PTSD and how to get support.  I lived a life of chronic emotional neglect and abuse for about 45 years.
   
Yet, I’ve noticed that the place where I feel the most “raw” is regards to my 20 yrs of marriage.  I have compassion for the child & adolescent, I have compassion for the experience of being “abandoned” by my husband, but I feel a low grade contempt for that Pollyanna me who allowed my husband to be inappropriate with me and my kids.  I think it’s a combination of anger, self-loathing, sadness, guilt and regret.  I feel this low-grade irritation and contempt for my ex.  I went through the usual grief stages already during our divorce.   I thought that I was done w/anger and had moved on to peace... How can I move past this feeling?  Has anyone else had similar experiences?

I really don’t like this…I feel so sad that the photos w/my children cause me pain…I think the primary thought is "if only that 'me' had known..."

Oh C, dear dear C, I feel your pain so much. I ruminate on the grief and hurt too. I just feel so wronged, and stepping into the light just seems so difficult and phony to me. Insincere, when I feel so rotten on the inside.

I have no solution or wisdom, only that I know others have done it, and that we have a plethora of tools at our disposal, and that we owe it to ourselves to try them all out and gather a few which work for us. Reassess, repeat, keep working at it.

In some ways destruction is chaotic and painful and robs us of all meaning (Nietzsche), and at the same time destruction allows us to rebuild something anew and make us build new meaning at exactly our own terms (Sartre).

[Edit]: As an addendum, it is so unfair that we have to do this process on our own and that it feels so so lonely. Others have been nurtured surrounded by a loving family. That in and of itself is something I ruminate over myself. And yet, there is beauty in recruiting a new community for ourselves and know that we are all here to cheer you on!  I have to tell this myself too.

Love and hugs.

15
The Cafe / Re: Today I am grateful for...
« on: April 27, 2015, 06:37:00 PM »
Heh, I was grateful for that very thing today. I remembered what talking to my FOO is usually like, and then I took a deep breath and revelled in the fact that they are wonderfully, gloriously elsewhere. The sun was lovely here, too, after many weeks of winter. The kids were high on sunshine, running and laughing, and I felt happy, too.

This is a beautiful paragraph and it lifts my spirits. I'm so glad you're doing well, and I wish you many more such lovely days!   :hug:

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