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Messages - Blueberry

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Recovery Journals / Re: stuck stuck stuck
« on: December 06, 2019, 07:26:53 PM »
 :bighug: :bighug:

Recovery Journals / Re: Taking those concrete beneficial steps
« on: December 06, 2019, 07:25:45 PM »
Thanks Snowdrop :)

It's doing me good to be taking a break from moderating. It's been almost a week now. I think today has been the first day where I've really noticed the difference, e.g. I came straight to Updated Topics and then into my Journal rather than checking Recent Unread Topics. Today also the first day in over a week that I got up before 11 am. At 10 am instead, and without a struggle, so I think that means that I'm beginning to recover from the deep-seated exhaustion, rather than just recovering on the surface and on the verge of collapse again in a couple of weeks.

I also got a lot done today, despite the minor flood in the bathroom. When I switched on my computer a few minutes ago, I suddenly realised that I'm tired, so I'm not going to do the few things I'd been intending to do in my office. Tomorrow's another day, I'll do them then, or even next week. This evening I have the feeling that sometimes when I get stuck on the computer checking news and reading comments (not necessarily on OOTS), it's because I'm tired but I'm covering up the tiredness instead of listening to it. Really useful to notice this.

Recovery Journals / Re: Taking those concrete beneficial steps
« on: December 06, 2019, 01:04:08 PM »
Thanks Hope  :hug: Yes, it all seems to be happening at a comfortable pace rn :)
Today while I was cleaning, I noticed more and more water on the bathroom floor. Surely that couldn't be from the bucket of water I'd just emptied into the toilet? I then saw that the washing machine drainage hosepipe had jumped out of the pipe it drains into. The really good thing is that I didn't panic in any way, I didn't even feel anxiety! I just got going mopping up the water. There were times when just the thought of the remote possibility of something like that happening inevitably led to a feeling of anxiety in my gut.

This kind of incident shows me I'm moving forward :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

In hindsight, it's good I didn't allow that acquaintance to use my washing machine because I'd far rather this kind of thing happened to me than to somebody else using my machine :yes:

Eating Issues / Re: Step forward
« on: December 04, 2019, 04:45:40 PM »
I'm not sure if this is an additional step forward, or if I've been here before. Not having all those sweet baked goods left at my door anymore, I had one today at an afternoon meet-up I go to. I ate it slowly, chewed well, noticed the taste and the sweetness, but it was enough on its own. I didn't have a craving anymore.

There have been times of craving in the past little while though. I've tried feeling into the situation but I draw a blank. A long time ago when I was in an eating disorder program, I was meant to figure out different ways of coping and figure out what I really needed instead. That was probably fine then, but my present T is trying to get me to feel what emotions are there before I eat, before I go food-shopping. Flight kicks in - I don't want to feel!! I try and feel outside the shop and notice that it feels too dangerous to feel any emotions out in the open.

I'm not eating much atm and sometimes I just go to bed when the only thing I can think of doing is eating. I'm not sure it's even a craving. But I'm also not sure what it is. This is one of the situations where my T wants me to feel into what it is and not rely on ideas from other people on what it could be.

I do have the feeling - without being able to explain exactly - that I am moving forwards a tiny little bit with my eating disorder.

Recovery Journals / Re: Taking those concrete beneficial steps
« on: December 04, 2019, 04:34:16 PM »
Thank you for understanding notalone :hug:

I'm on the forum less often and for shorter spells now that I'm not moderating, but I still notice a kind of tug to come on here. Just now I was going to type a response to Wattlebird's thread, then I realised that I don't have the energy for that. You'd think if I have the energy to type what I'm typing now, then I could write to somebody else but it doesn't work that way.

I remember now way back when I was in inpatient therapy and everybody had to take on simple tasks every week and/or sponsor a new person, I almost collapsed with the effort. I haven't thought about that for a long time but now the memory is there. My T has said before that when I'm not rushing around doing things, then I allow memories and realisations to come to the surface.

Recovery Journals / Re: Taking those concrete beneficial steps
« on: December 04, 2019, 12:37:10 PM »
Hi Wattlebird,

I'm sorry you have problems along those lines too, but glad I'm not the only one. There are other cards, letters, parcels and even emails waiting to be wrote, packed up, sent. But I was really glad to get this one off! It contains my friend's birthday present 2 months late and her Christmas present. I feel a sort of rush, as if the clogged sticks, branches, logs, debris in a river have given way a bit and the water is flowing again.  :)

Recovery Journals / Re: Taking those concrete beneficial steps
« on: December 04, 2019, 12:32:10 PM »
I recognise the pattern: I suggest to somebody where she could get help. She doesn't, it 'didn't work out'. I'm the only one who can help her.

I recognise another pattern, from the same person!! "All I wanted to do was help and support you." She didn't actually ask if I needed it. She's only just understood now, today, that I don't want any more bread or baked goods, although I thought that was already clear.

Anyway she has decided it's better not to ask for any help from me. Part of me feels a bit bad because you're always meant to put yourself in somebody else's shoes and ask yourself how you would feel if nobody would help you with a single, simple thing. She wants to use my washing machine because she's afraid her own might leak. That's not simple for me though, that involves allowing somebody into my apartment and walking all the way through it. I don't feel comfortable with that. I had the idea only recently that that might be an anxiety-based thing. I think Kizzie mentioned anxiety about having workmen about and I thought "Aha!! That's why I get so exhausted when people are in my apartment, even people I know, especially if they are helping me with something".

Generally I feel relief though.

Recovery Journals / Re: Taking those concrete beneficial steps
« on: December 03, 2019, 09:31:00 PM »
I'm going slowly atm and it feels different to any previous times. I think there's more self-acceptance in me. I walk slowly, most people overtake me. So what? I'm going with my own flow in a way. Instead of thinking to myself that I'll do x, then y, then z, I do x and then see what impulse I have and it may not be y at all.

I'm also more aware of what extra little thing planned feels like too much and so let that go. No joke, the idea of putting a little letter in an envelope for my godson was too much so I popped it into a parcel I was sending to his mum anyway. I had wanted to send it to him separately, but at what cost to me energy-wise? Too much cost.

General Discussion / Re: new territory
« on: December 02, 2019, 12:29:47 PM »
James, I'm really happy for you!  :applause: :cheer:

Recovery Journals / Re: Taking those concrete beneficial steps
« on: December 02, 2019, 12:28:09 PM »
I recognise the pattern: I suggest to somebody where she could get help. She doesn't, it 'didn't work out'. I'm the only one who can help her. Oh not with one thing, maybe she'll need two in fact.

It's going to be one maximum. And then she has got to find support elsewhere.

Recovery Journals / Re: Stutter - Deep Blue
« on: December 02, 2019, 12:24:21 PM »
 :grouphug: for you Deep Blue.

Recovery Journals / Re: Hope's Journal: Continuing to Befriend My Parts.
« on: December 01, 2019, 12:59:34 PM »
I feel stronger in myself - and feel greater inner stability

 :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
You are an inspiration the way you manage to take breaks from the forum and sometimes the whole Internet to continue your healing by other methods and also by dealing IRL!

I'm pacing myself, as I feel as if I need to really keep my pace at one that is workable for me, and I feel like I need a slow pace.

I had wanted to say "Welcome to the club!" but it sounds as if you are further along in this than I am. I've been told it's a huge step when you find your own pace - which I sort of have, and it's slow. The next step would be accepting the pace for what it is and embracing it. It sounds as if you're on this route already :thumbup: :thumbup: :applause: 
 :hug: :grouphug:

Recovery Journals / Re: Taking those concrete beneficial steps
« on: December 01, 2019, 12:45:57 PM »
Thanks notalone :hug:


There's lots going on in me atm. All sorts of inspiration and ideas bubbling about. Also sorting and deciding against things, projects, people.... I thought lighting a candle for the first day of Advent would be a good idea for my Advent calendar but didn't get round to putting that on Dec. 1st anyway. But I realised today that simply allowing myself to lie in for as long as I wanted - looooong - was the best thing.

Announcements / Re: Moderating break
« on: December 01, 2019, 12:40:34 PM »
Thanks Hope :hug: I missed you too. 

Eating Issues / Step forward
« on: November 30, 2019, 09:56:28 PM »
Over the past week I've been coming up with one resolution which I've just implemented.

I've asked somebody to stop bringing me leftover things from the bakery where she works. They weren't all unhealthy items but there were just too many, too frequently, even after I asked her to cut back and gave her a definite number of items per day and sweet items overall. She couldn't cut back because she can't stand things going to waste. Well, that's her issue. Me eating too much doesn't actually reduce global food waste. 

I've had problems with this type of thing before, basically not being able to say 'No' partially of course because I do like eating. I'm saying 'No' to a person who 'means well' and saying 'No' to food, free at that. Three issues rolled into one. It's also in the main food which is already all prepared and with my exhaustion at preparing food (some sort of EF-y stuff in itself), it was a pretty good deal, but just for a while. (So actually 4 issues). Try out and observe. Try out other behaviour and observe.

Just a few days ago I was feeling ashamed and embarrassed to even have allowed this acquaintance to bring me food :doh: :doh:  and now I'm writing about it - making it public - and have taken a move to change the situation. :thumbup: I haven't even done any EFT on it, I'm accepting myself pretty much without that aid :thumbup: :applause:

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