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Welcome to the forum! It's a good supportive place. I think we do more empathy here than sympathy.

You could possibly start saying something like this to your T?

I'm very shy when it comes to talking about intimacy and I even don't really like to say words like 'sex' around others

plus add the weird comments from your father.

If you're shy about intimacy and wish you weren't, that's a legitimate topic for therapy, whether or not there is/was abuse. If you start exploring the topic very gently with your T - I mean just talking - it may become clear to you whether there's likely to be trauma behind it, for ex. if your mind goes blank or you have other reactions of that sort or go into an EF, then it's probably not just you being 'normally shy'.

You don't actually have to have been assaulted to have been SA'd. 'just' being touched counts, as do inappropriate sexual remarks, being forced to watch inappropriate behaviour / films /magazines etc. There may well have been assaults too, you could have forgotten them or they're hidden in your subconscious for protection. You wouldn't be the first for that to happen to.

How much you say when also depends on how much you know and trust your T, how long you've been with your T.

There is CSA in my past, but it's not the most obvious kind and I was disbelieved by some Ts, particularly a couple of decades ago. So, my advice is to go slowly, not unpack everything at once.

maybe those lovely conversations kind of blew your circuits, blueberry.  things might have simply been too much 'good' for you and you're needing some time to process, allow the good feelings from them to sink in, and finally be ok with them. 

That is possible, you know. I used to act quite strongly that way. Probably goes back to FOO being very disapproving of anybody being kind to me or supporting me in any way that they considered dangerous to the status quo, or sometimes more than FOO being disapproving, sometimes they were downright emotionally abusive and/or neglectful.

it's more related to not feeling like my body is strong enough.

I agree with Armee that that makes perfect sense.

I have a lot of problems with my body when triggered, but different from yours which is why I didn't respond yesterday when I saw your post. I think I'd better not try and list them now, my body is getting itchy at the thought, so triggered mildly at the thought.

I don't think I have ever mentioned a symptom of mine here on the forum without at least one person saying they have that too. So I'm sure there'll be a least one other person with your symptom here, even if they don't see and respond to your post.

So what changed? What happened? Nothing feels worth it this morning. I just want to go back to bed.

Showering would be a good idea, it would even help my skin not feel so itchy I think. But showering is often difficult. Not sure if that alone makes me want to go back to bed.

  Armee

Thank you for your support asdis.
No, I haven't noticed citalopram making me more dissociative.

Other than to say "let it go" isn't really very easy to do in fact what I think "let it go" means in practice might be more akin to "process it" cause then and only then can something be let go of. Otherwise it stays right where it currently lives in our brains to popoff and haunt us at any moment. But "processing" things can be difficult, long, unclear, and you might be missing pieces you need right now that need to be processed first before whatever this one is can be processed and let go. Like doing a complicated puzzle in the dark and not knowing if you are even missing key pieces. So UGH to the mess cptsd causes in our minds. But please don't feel bad that you can't let it go.

 

My M has been getting worse too. It turns out to be partially because of some form of dementia.

The conversation in the library sounds like it was a good and safe-feeling conversation for you. I hope my impression is correct.

Yes, that's correct.

This evening I had a further unexpected but good conversation with some people I got talking to briefly. Nothing like the personal level of yesterday's conversation, but still nice.

Speaking of my disability (visual impairment), please don't use emojis, they are meaningless to me, and I don't know if my screen reader can interpret them on this bulletin board. Also, Please don't use ALL CAPS because I find that harder to read than upper and lowercase.

I'm one of these strange members who will actually remember your needs here but forget my own password. But if you start a Recovery Journal you can stipulate at the top of it that you don't want to see emojis or all caps and all members should certainly follow that, since it's your journal, your space, your rules. Then you wouldn't have to repeat your plea every post. Hope to see you posting more on the forum some time.

Sounds like an EF to me and I can't let those go either, not at the drop of a hat. I find they suddenly go on their own. You are not your mother or like her. Sending care and compassion, Bach

Happy to hear of this progress CactusFlower! Take care

That is super interesting. I've always wondered why I'm super motivated to do my own stuff when I'm working for someone else. And when I have time for myself I just sit here... like today... :|

I don't know why that would be Chart, though I'm sure there's a reason somewhere. However I don't quite see the connection between what you're experiencing and my tendency to feel activated when there's something wrong with me physically. (Unless it's something like having a fever, which doesn't activate me, fortunately, because a body needs rest at that point.) If you want to discuss further, please copy over to your Journal, thanks.

It is verrrrrrry hot today and I'm not feeling super-motivated to do tons, tho I have maybe done more than on some days. I went to the library in the early afternoon to read the newspaper but ended up talking to the woman sitting next to me (the library has a little café where you can read newspapers but also talk). Though we didn't know each other, it ended up being quite a deep, personal conversation. I didn't feel dumped on at all though. She was sympathetic to some things I mentioned too, not really trauma - maybe contributed a bit to my childhood trauma. As I'm still mulling what to write to a friend I'm in disagreement with, this encounter helps me realise that I'm not this terrible egoitistical person only interested in my own 'stuff' and not caring about other people's feelings or that they also may have rough spots.

Welcome to the forum, Flyinglove. Just send Kizzie a PM (DM).

I've just read your post and my heart goes out to you. It sounds so difficult, I'm sorry

I have either partial DID or OSDD rather than full DID, and I don't have any meds for that. I just take Citalopram as an anti-depressant and L-Thyrox for thyroid underfuntion. I don't have the impression that Citalopram helps when I'm in a really bad way, when I'm in EFs. I think it helps a little bit in general when I'm more hit with depression Being in EFs - I think that's really when I'm more in a Part than in my Adult of Today. I don't find it surprising that there's not a medication for that, tho my psych doesn't seem to understand. Unfortunately, he doesn't know enough about DID and sub-forms of it...

My present psychiatrist is probably the best I can do round here. I have been in far worse, far less competent care. It took me a good while to find a semi-compatible one. I wish it weren't so.

I'm sorry I don't really seem to have anything helpful to say, so just sending support.