Messages

Thanks for sharing Kizzie!    - sooo glad we can share this kind of stuff with each other here.  I mean, some people would be like what's the problem?  If you don't like someone, just walk away!  No big deal...but WE know it IS a big deal because our bodies get triggered and then we have to work to sooth ourselves.

And that story about your H's sister, geeez

I plan to do some EMDR this week with my psychologist on my uNPD sister, in hopes that I don't get so triggered by her actions in the future.  Lately she's been off the charts narcissistic, and I see it hurting my mother all the time (but she won't acknowledge it, ugh more dysfunction.)

Fortunately I've distanced myself from my family now for the past few months and it's soooo GREAT.  But I still get triggered.

Have you tried EMDR? I imagine so.  I'll let'cha know if it works for me afterwards.  HUGS

Hi all,  - thought to share that my son came to visit me over the past few days, so I had a good reason to work hard to get my place looking nice, but now that he's gone I'm all lazy again!!  Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Thanks Cascade for sharing your thoughts. I love this "reframing motivation as a self-care endeavor" - YES, this makes sense! Although, then I have to feel like I'm worth it! This is something I am working now on in my recovery, feeling worthy of the extra efforts I can give to myself.

I read Pete Walker's book about 5 years ago, and appreciate his take on CPTSD.  Unlike Pete, I had parents who were very supportive, but I worked to achieve the goals they wanted for me, and this is part of why I can't motivate myself.  I am great on doing things for other people!

Another thing to add here is that I do have ADHD for sure, and I take meds which help (as long as I don't take too much which makes me anxious.)

I've been reading Gabor Mate's book "Scattered Minds" and appreciate the insight on HOW my brain lacks "active attention".  I also appreciate his point that being a highly sensitive person makes me a prime subject for issues with regulation.

Again from this post I am now understanding the very important need to have some sort of schedule and do my best to keep on it.
HUGS 

Thank you Blueberry for giving me the opportunity to allow myself NOT to feel bad about myself. 

It is true, I concentrate more on the stuff I don't do and discount the stuff I do. 

I also have a checklist, I have a spreadsheet that lists my tasks, and I have the prioritized.  I am now making sure to keep the items I have accomplished and list them at the end to remind me of all the things I've done.

After creating this post, reading your comments and digesting it all; I am slowly realizing that I have had a habit of feeling bad about myself for so long now, and if I treat it as a habit, then I might be able to kick it!

One thing I am noticing is the more positive stuff I do, the less I feel bad, and it sort of builds on itself.  It's bizarre, then I feel like this weird empty feeling because I'm NOT feeling bad about myself, and I remember oh ya this is the feeling of being content! 

Blueberry, I find this interesting in your comment, your previous thinking...""If you accomplish this particular difficult thing, then tomorrow you're not allowed any fun". I hadn't even noticed that my pattern was giving myself a punishment or at least something difficult or strenuous as a 'reward' for accomplishment." - wow talk about complex PTSD! I am so glad you were able to figure this out!  That's a huge one.

Thanks so much ya'all! 

Thanks for your thoughts everyone, I love how we can commiserate here 

I agree Papa Coco, it's the guilt that is so debilitating 

And I understand NarcKiddo it's a habit!  And habits can be broken, with WORK, and so if I can just get past the guilt then I can get to the work; sounds simple enough. 

And speaking of work, I think part of my thinking is that I worked full time 42 years out of my life, raised my son as a single parent, took care of my mom (blah blah blah) and now this is MY time.  There were so many years that I had to put my needs aside and so now if I feel like playing games on my computer I feel like I should be able to.  BUT this kind of thinking doesn't work well if I'm not getting anything done.

I did move some furniture around yesterday and when I woke up this morning I saw the positive results of yesterday and it gave me a sense of accomplishment and no guilt.  I think I'm just so used to feeling guilty all the time, then I dissociate from the guilt (TV) so back to changing this habit!     

I am going to check out those youtube videos Chart!

HUGS 

Hi all, 

Ever since I moved to a place all by myself it's difficult to get stuff done, because of my inability to motivate myself.

In the past, I've always wrapped myself around other people, helping THEM, and then use the extra time to do the minimal requirements of what I need (I just finished living with my mother for two years and helped her into assisted living.)

Now for the first time in 15 years I'm all by myself and every day it's a struggle.  But I also don't have a routine, and I imagine that's what I need to focus on. 

Basically my routine is wake up (whenever sometimes as late as 10:30 am), drink coffee, and play games on the computer (I'm retired).  IF there are bills to pay or emails to send I'll do them during this time (a tiny bit of productivity.)

Then I'll eat breakfast which makes me feel sleepy and I literally will go back to bed!!  Every day!

When I wake up again I feel guilty because I hardly got anything done, and then I don't want to do anything but watch TV.  I'll do some dishes or sweep but since I've moved I've still got lots of boxes to unpack and haven't even hung my pictures on the walls yet.

Sometimes I get a boost of positive energy and take a walk and that makes a whole world of difference.

The thing is I have so much to do, tons of projects, things to sell on Ebay, unpacking, organizing; AND I want to be a musician and take classes and it seems that this is the last thing I'll ever get to.

HELP!  Any help is appreciated.  Grateful to be here. thx...

HI PaperDoll and others who have responded, 

I can relate to your post because I have had a very enmeshed relationship with my mother.  My first reaction to reading your post is a reminder that it's her behavior that caused the enmeshment, as I'm sure you know, but I need to remind myself too that I didn't start it!

I was not taught how to have a relationship with someone I love without totally being enmeshed. Fortunately I've finally figured this out and it's been 6 years since I've had a relationship with a partner, because I just don't want to do this again.  I hate the feeling of being so totally dependent on a person emotionally.

So I guess what I'm saying is remember you've been trained, and the habit is totally ingrained.  When you have learned how to successfully fulfill your own emotional needs, this with help with your relationship with your mother.

And another thought as I read your post again, I can relate to feeling my mother's pain knowing she had a tough childhood, but it's not up to me to fix this (like I've tried for so many years with behavior to please her.) No need to feel guilty about needing to protect yourself from her pain.  Going no contact is really tough, and low contact maybe the best solution, as long as you can protect yourself.

Wishing you the best on your healing journey. 

Hi all, just an update, Synchrony bank responded via the secure email with the same "canned" response from before (my fault, nothing they can do), so I am now composing a letter explaining the whole situation which in itself is totally triggering...but if I don't do it, they will WIN and my credit took a big hit. I cannot help but believing the system is set up this way, it's just so plain obvious.  I wish I knew who I could call them out on, "the papers"?  Do they even do this anymore?
HUGS
 

Thank you all for your responses and confirming my anguish (sometimes that's all one needs right?) 

I appreciate some of you pointing out that it's a matter of draining the battery, and that is definitely what happens.  After a few tries and fails, I get so depleted, and so fed up.  I wish I could be like other people who can sail through this stuff.  But I just get so triggered, taking it all personally.

But I do agree Kizzie that it's frustrating for most people, and being a techie (I did computer support for 30 years) I think I know it all with the little tricks to get through the system, but they just don't work anymore!  Like hitting the 0 button for Operator...NOPE.  I actually worked for the software company that created the first phone auto attendant system and that's where I learned the tricks!

I'm glad to hear some positive news that people complaining about a system actually made a difference! thx Kizzie.

Meanwhile yesterday I sent an email within their secure email system, hope to hear back from them soon...thanks all 

Hi all, 

I am feeling very frustrated right now. I am dealing with credit issues with PayPal, and the anguish of going through the automatic phone system is truly painful!  I can't believe how many hoops I have to jump through just to get a live person on the phone; and....it's so hard not to take it all personally!! Does this happen to you too?

I've had to call them back over and over; once got hung up on and another put on terminal hold.  This is after mandatory listening to the auto attendant telling me stuff I don't care about over and over.  Not only is it plain frustrating, it's majorly triggering. 

My credit problem is due to something they did, not me, and I can't even talk to someone about it.

Now I'm dealing with being triggered; feeling they don't care, they don't want to take accountability, they just want me to just roll over and deal with the negative consequences on my own.  Triggers my usual theme of "It's Not Fair!!"

Just makes me want to throw in the towel.  - I hate how my CPTSD works so against me. 
 

Thanks Kizzie for the reminder that it doesn't have to be of Pulitzer Prize standard   

Me too storyworld!!  I do this too.  As blue_sky has shared, my bed is my haven.  When I'm stressed I can feel sleepy and want to just go to bed.

I definitely believe it's a form of dissociation.    I always seem to feel better afterwards.  I think it's a way to reset our vagus nerve 

Hello all 

I was prescribed Adderall for ADHD, and have been taking the generic version of Adderall for over 10 years.  Thought to share that I have noticed that they do help me with my mood.

From this website: https://www.drugs.com/adderall.html - it states...

"Adderall contains a combination of amphetamine and dextroamphetamine. Amphetamine and dextroamphetamine are central nervous system stimulants that affect chemicals in the brain and nerves that contribute to hyperactivity and impulse control."

It is very important to know that one can abuse them; and I have!  As an alcoholic, I only knew how to abuse drugs that made me feel better. 

BUT, after being sober for many years, I can now recognize when I've taken too much as I get super anxious and agitated. Since I don't like feeling this way, I now only take 2.5 MG (1/4th of a 10 MG pill) at a time, generally in the morning and afternoon, and it's just enough to help me to move forward if I'm in a total mood of procrastination.

Also, thought to add that taking sativa cannabis gummies can help with my mood as well. 

Be well y'all! 

Hi all, 

Thought to share that lately I've been way over the top with my emotions and triggers, and being extra hard on myself.  I figured it was due to exhaustion from moving my mother into assisted living (by myself as my immediate family who live close by did not help due to fear of uNPD sister's wrath.) 

I actually have been rather concerned how reactive my moods have been; is this the way it's going to be the rest of my life??  Feelings of hopelessness have been rampant. 

I've had mild physical symptoms of a UTI - for weeks - but just kind of assumed it would go away if I kept up on my water intake; but finally yesterday I got myself to the doctor and started antibiotics. 

OMG, I feel SO MUCH BETTER TODAY! 

Here's some more info on the topic: https://www.ehealthme.com/cs/urinary-tract-infection/mood-swings/

Another side effect of the UTI for me was low blood pressure, due to my inability to stay hydrated. This can totally can mess with your mood as well.

More info here on hypotension: https://www.healthline.com/health/hypotension#symptoms

So thought to share that if you are feeling EXTRA EXTRA anxious, you might have something physically going on with you; and it's not just the C-PTSD.  I'm not very good at taking care of myself, but it sure does help when one  can.

Be well y'all! 

[seriously]

YES!  I would love to do this!  I have seriously been thinking of doing this myself! 

Like Bermuda says, "I know I struggle a lot with feeling like my trauma wasn't bad enough, or that my symptoms are not severe enough, and it's easy for professiolnals to see my wishywashiness as a sign that I am actually fine."  YES!!  Within 30 years of therapy my emotional trauma was not acknowledged, and I had to educate my therapist (after I found you all!)  I know there's a new movement of "trauma recovery" that is now coming to the forefront, and this book would be part of that.

I have actually written a story that was published in a book by the recovery program LifeRing (https://lifering.org/bookstore-shopping-cart/Humanly-Possible-p161743472) and it has been so rewarding to know that my story might help someone.

I will contact Narc Kiddo or Cactus Flower for next steps.  This is very exciting.

Thank you Kizzie.  I am sorry you've had to deal with your family situation, and I wish you the best on your NC. 

It's such an eye opener when one realizes they are enmeshed, and you can't open anyone's eyes to it until they are ready.

The CPTSD thing is just so weird...the constant need to defend oneself in one's mind...argh...but I've got a psychologist now who I am working with and hope to do EMDR soon.

thank you