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Messages - bogan

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Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Does it ever get better
« on: May 13, 2018, 03:22:27 AM »
Its Mothers day, Ive been avoiding more than usual if thats possible, 4brothers 1 sister all married with kids, N/C 2xWs, 4 kids L/C and still I live alone with the dog. I have always been allowed to attend but have never been part of anything (its like Ive been the mascot). I cant stand hearing about how some people got a real mother, when I got a dud.     I moved 1500km from them partly because of the constant threats, just wanted to feel safeish,   Ive been here for 18months and still have NO Friends.  Just wondering if people ever recover from Cptsd or is this my life?     The unfairness is messing with my head today, 9 years N/C with NM, ND and Sibs, surely at least one should have called, kids only call for money, or help, but never to talk,  xW wants me back,  to take care of her,  She thinks its weird that I live with the dog, but all he wants a bit of food and loves to hang out with me, for no reason, except that he likes me. Sorry just having a huge flat day.    Does Anyone else want to pay back the abuse they received ?? I know it wont fix anything but would end the threats (threats are always sent threw other people in code, Eg "tell him we are still thinking about him and will be coming to see him soon") sorry for waffling

Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: Excruciating few days
« on: May 13, 2018, 02:53:56 AM »
Im relayting way to much with you atm, Ive always thought it was because I have a mechanic brain, "if i can find what I did wrong I can fix it", Its so hard to see there is no cause and effect, no sense in "why me" it is not fair at all, my dD hasnt spoken with me properly for years, no reason, no excuse just doesnt want to, Hang in there You are not alone.

Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: Way to many bad daze
« on: March 31, 2018, 10:11:11 AM »
I used to run a lot of the groups, so dont feel rite attending, am looking into education but not much running at this time of year.

Eating Issues / Re: Weighty Issues
« on: March 30, 2018, 10:55:16 AM »
I lose 15-20kg, then have a bad patch and start eating again, I used to be very under weight, didn't eat for days , then when I began working I could afford to binge and stacked the weight on, now Im never full and crave unhealthy foods. Being able to link my eating issues with my CPTSD hopefully will help me deal with it. Good luck, sorta helps to hear that there are others with similar issues.

Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Way to many bad daze
« on: March 30, 2018, 10:25:30 AM »
I spent 3 weeks with xW, she treated me badly as per usual, I have been home now for 4 weeks, and have done nothing except eat. Feeling disgusting, fat and useless, and want to take her back "better to be treated bad than not be treated at all" just cant seem to break free. Ive been in my new area for 18 months and met no one. I have gone 3 months at a time without any human contact, except grocery deliveries. I just want some company, would love someone to go to the beach with, garage sales, antique shops, play chess and talk crap, not sure if that person exists. Xw will do none of the above , she wants meals cooked, and basically a servant. Sorry just been down and lonely for a while and eating seems to be my only comfort.

wow  I have been always told that my eating disorder was part of depression or that I just lacked disipline, makes sense it is part of the CPTSD, I dont feel so bad about it now. Thanks

General Discussion / Re: Why compete??
« on: January 25, 2018, 07:26:01 AM »
Such an interesting post, my cptsd is from childhood but began to effect me in my 40's, now 55 Ive been pensioned of. There is no contest, we all suffer,and to each person its just as real, no matter what the cause or duration. Unfortunately Its human nature to compare,

General Discussion / Re: Any un-related to C-PTSD phobias?
« on: January 24, 2018, 11:25:58 PM »
The stick from an icecream, gives me the shivers, cant touch it at all or even see someone else licking it.

The Cafe / Re: Favourite Quotes - Part 3
« on: January 24, 2018, 11:21:32 PM »
Dont bother losing  weight,   just get fatter friends.    fits every part of my life it means to change who you compare youself to

Therapy / Re: Therapist wants me to relive trauma - don't want to *tw*
« on: January 22, 2018, 10:54:57 PM »
You need to do what works for you. I had emdr and it changed my life, and then I did write my story, It took 3 months and it wrecked me, lots of tears but it was so worth doing, it is now a story, every now and then I still add to it, my T will never read it, only me. it worked for me, but it was one of the hardest things I've ever done and I wouldn,t recommend it for everyone.

Therapy / Re: Therapist don't know CPTSD
« on: January 22, 2018, 10:47:47 PM »
I have had several T's who diagnosed me with depression, anxiety etc, all tried their therapies with little to no success, now I have a T who has given me a formal diagnosis, of Cptsd and its hard but I see improvement, the depression and anxiety are symptoms of my cptsd so they couldnt improve without dealing with the cause. I can only speak for me but it was like trying to fill a sink with no plug in it, until they replaced the plug I got no where.hope that makes sense.

Recovery Journals / Re: ah's backward journal (possible trigger warning)
« on: December 14, 2017, 11:22:40 PM »
Hey Ah, so sorry for what you went threw, No One deserves that kind of treatment. My F used to say (TRIGGER ALERT) "if you say something wrong, when you wake up ill tell you what it was" He never told me. I spent 40 years trying to get his approval and believing he had changed and cared for me, and it always turned out bad. I will never understand how a person could treat anyone that badly especially their own child. sounds like your F was the one with mental issues and the one that needed a psyc assessment. wishing you peace and love reading your posts thanks.

Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: thought I was doing ok
« on: December 14, 2017, 11:01:37 PM »
the dog is a way to have control in limited interactions, as you said "say Hi "and talk about the dog and then continue along the way. concern is he is becoming like me, he greets other dogs then returns to me, and plays by himself. I would recommend a dog to anyone, as a way to have some contact and no human loves like a labrador, always happy to see you and loves just being near to you.

Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: thought I was doing ok
« on: December 11, 2017, 02:08:59 AM »
Thanks so much for your replies,   it means heaps.    I have a labrador and he is what has kept me going for the last few years,  I only posted part of what the counsellor said, it got worse.  However it just reinforced what I had been taught all my life.
 My T asked why i never ask for help, after a lot of thought ,big bang theory gave me the answer,"schrodingers cat" If I don,t ask, they can not let me down, same as if no one knows when my birthday is, no one can forget it, cant be hurt if no one knows. a great theory

Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / thought I was doing ok
« on: December 10, 2017, 07:35:45 AM »
I moved in january and have been coping better in my new place, the only contact I have is my T every few weeks and been going to church, which is a struggle, being around people, but it was becoming a bit easier. few weeks ago the back row was full so had to sit one row forward then a woman sat behind me (huge trigger). Now Im back not sleeping, eating way to much and the anxiety is out of control. Christmas is coming so I have to isolate myself to cope, not hard as its just me and the dog. been NC with family for 9 years and the only person that calls is exW the controller. Im not a touchy feely person but would like some human contact sometimes, Christmas is hard as everyone seems happy with family and I have never fitted anywhere. I have the words of the court counsellor running threw my head "people like you should not be allowed near normal people" I try not to be around people so I dont bring them down. sorry for the downer just not sure how to get threw this time of year. it takes so little to set me back so far.

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