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Messages - crohnie

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Thanks everyone for your thoughtful words.

To clarify - I don't think I said anything about suicide in my original post, although I can understand how it could be interpreted as such. I stated that I wanted to die, not that I wanted to kill myself. There is a difference, in my opinion. I have no plans to harm myself.

I felt that it was important to make that distinction.  I certainly wouldn't want to violate any board guidelines or inadvertently trigger anyone.


Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Horrible evening. Triggered (TW)
« on: December 18, 2017, 04:41:32 AM »
Something triggered me tonight, and within seconds I was buried in feelings of worthlessness and wanting to disappear.  I was with friends, and per usual I just shut down. After about an hour I explained to them what was going on with me, which helped a little bit, but now I am home and back in full flashback mode.

I have made great progress this year, thanks largely to EMDR, but I still have emotional flashbacks a couple of times a week.  When it's bad it's REALLY bad. I start thinking about how little impact there would be if I were to just vanish. I feel like there is no purpose for my existence.  I want to die. I know that if I make it through this episode things will be better, as they always are. It's just so brutal at the moment.  There is no escape and I want it to stop.

I was raised to think that a "chump" was the worst thing I could be.  So of course I feel like one often, and then I shame myself for it. 

I came to the forum today because I am in a dark flashback and was hoping to find something useful.  Your post helped me, because it's my truth.

For what it's worth, thank you.  I really hope you are doing better.  PEACE.

Thanks for the support everyone. Yesterday was truly awful. I met with my therapist today, and told her about how I wanted to die last night.  We did some inner child visualization work, which helped a bit.  My only goal/task for today is to be nice to myself.

Today has been a struggle, but nowhere near as bad as last night.  Today's visualization work was a helpful reminder that I am now the guardian and protector of my younger self.   In my formative years, when I was being tortured at school, and when I was diagnosed with a chronic illness, I had literally nobody protecting me.  My late mom would argue that I had a roof over my head and never went hungry, to which I would respond, "Somebody give this woman a medal!!".  Food and shelter are built in to the job of parenting. You don't get bonus points for providing the bare essentials.   When my dad lost his job due to his drinking, and I complained about suddenly being at risk of losing my health coverage, my mom told me that I was selfish. 

I am grateful to have the opportunity to work on re-parenting and healing my inner child.  Sure, I resent having to do it in the first place, but resentment never helped anyone heal.

Take care, all.

I feel resentful that my entire family was killed by addiction.  I don't resent them for having a disease, although I certainly resent them for some of the actions that may not have occurred had they not cared for alcohol more than they cared for me.  Needless to say, I have some major alienation issues.  Luckily I am not an addict, and choose not to drink.  Don't need the drama.

Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Inner critic has a megaphone
« on: June 21, 2017, 01:53:08 AM »
Over the past 4-5 hours I've been sinking deeper into a bad space, where I cannot shake the idea that I am an incredible LOSER.  I am ashamed and embarrassed about who I am, and how useless I am.  I appear to serve no function in the world. Everything seems pointless and I just want to disappear.

I have only recently concluded (with my therapist) that I am living with CPTSD.  I am still learning about emotional flashbacks, and what my triggers are.  I have had a particularly rough couple of weeks, with deep sadness, shame, and feelings of hopelessness.  The stress can have a profound affect on my Crohn's disease.  Over the past month I've lost seven pounds.  Today I avoided food until dinner, largely because of the discomfort that comes with digestion.

I am in my final week of Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation treatments.  The doctor has increased the duration of my TMS sessions hoping that I will see greater improvement.  I am feeling discouraged and wanting to detach.   I am not giving up, but at the moment any effort to lighten my mood would feel insincere and disrespectful to the pain I am legitimately living with. 

Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: can't work = failure
« on: May 21, 2017, 09:47:51 PM »
Thank you, blueberry, for starting this thread.  I was looking for help/discussion on this very topic.

I completed a temporary position in January, and have not worked since.  I have been looking for something part-time, but I get discouraged and anxious easily, which then shuts me down.  When I am in a flashback state, everything seems to be my fault (according to me), and nothing I do is good enough.  I've been making some progress with therapy and five weeks of TMS treatments, but as soon as I have a bad day it feels like I'm back to square one, and I feel shame for not being on top of everything.  If I didn't have a working spouse, I honestly don't know how I would survive, financially.

Thanks to everyone who has contributed to this discussion. It helps to know that this is *real*, and your testimonies prove that this is not all just my imagination, or me being a big baby failure.

Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: Emotional Flashbacks
« on: April 28, 2017, 02:36:12 AM »
Thank you for your post. I happen to be dealing with this right now.  It started yesterday. 

All the best to you.  I hope things quiet down soon.

I was in an emotional flashback all day yesterday following a disturbing nightmare.  Today has not been much better, and tonight it is really bad.  I feel frozen physically, while my mind is racing out of control.  I am terrified.

Sleep Issues / Re: Some questions about nightmares
« on: April 27, 2017, 04:01:48 PM »
Thank you for your post.  I lived with terrifying nightmares for well over ten years, and am just now starting to understand them.  My understanding is (at least in my case), the terror is an emotional flashback that may or may not have anything to do with what's happening in the dream.  With CPTSD it's the emotion of the trauma that we relive, which may explain why you are not dreaming about specific traumatic events.   

I had a very graphic, disturbing dream just yesterday.  I woke up in hyper-vigilant mode, and stayed that way for most of the day.  It was awful.   I ended up going to bed at 5:00 in order to shut myself down. 

Pete Walker's book has been a godsend for me, and has helped in dialing my nightmares down.  Also, the drug Prazosin has been tremendous (it is a blood pressure drug that was found to help vets with nightmares from PTSD).

Take care and be kind with yourself.  I hope that things improve soon!

Hey everyone.  The news has not been covering this much, so you may or may not know about it.   The Republic of Chechnya has been kidnapping and detaining gay men and putting them into what is being called modern day concentration camps.  This began within the past few weeks, and it terrifies me.   One of my biggest triggers has to do with feeling safe.  As a kid in school, probably grades 6-10, I lived virtually every day terrified for my personal safety.   To learn that execution of gay men is happening anywhere in the world (and it has been happening for years, just not quite like what's going on in Chechnya) makes me feel unsafe and scared, not to mention terribly sad for those who are living this * right now. 

I am meeting with my therapist today.  I know that a lot of the intense fear and anxiety I am currently feeling is likely due to emotional flashbacks.   My personal reality at the moment is that I am physically safe within my chosen surroundings.  However, with the current administration that we have in the U.S., the climate for queer folks (and other minorities) in America has become less safe.   I think my challenge is to not obsess over this, and try to be OK with what I cannot change today.  I will not become apathetic to what's going on, but I cannot change the world by myself.  I can, however, find ways to become involved with the cause (there is strength in numbers).   At this moment I feel overwhelmed by the uncertainty of where this is all going.

Thanks for reading. 

General Discussion / Re: Hello I'm new. *Potential trigger warning*
« on: March 30, 2017, 06:24:59 AM »
silentrhino - The drug Prazosin was a breakthrough for me with my nightmares.  If you haven't been on it already, if might be worth asking your doc.   The combo of Prazosin & finding the right therapist has drastically reduced my nightmares, and when I do have them now they are typically not as terrifying as they were a couple of years ago. 

All the best to you -- hang in there!

It's been a rough couple of days. My mood has generally been sad, almost neutral.  I don't want to do anything, go anywhere, talk to anyone. I took the trash and recycling out today, and that seemed like a big accomplishment.

I am sure that part of my current state is due to my physical weariness.  My crohn's disease has been more active than usual, which has me feeling beat.  I seem to be losing interest in almost everything except sleeping through the day. 

I know this is temporary. I've actually got some good things happening with my psychiatrist & therapist, which gives me some hope.   Today, right now - I want to turn everything off and stop feeling.

Hi all.  I appreciate the opportunity to simply say, "I'm having a rough day."

Yesterday, for some reason, was out of the ordinary -- it was quite a good day.  I had energy and managed to do all of the dishes, which felt like such a huge accomplishment.   My mood was above average.  I started today really hoping for a repeat, but no such luck.  I am trying to remind myself that today's mood is not the result of some screw up on my part.   

Tomorrow's another day.  Anything can happen.

Wishing you all the best.

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