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Thank you all for your responses, when I was young, perhaps 8 or so I took an IQ test and some kind of academic achievement test which would have put me several years ahead in school then my age.  I distinctly remember the tester being shocked at my results and talking about speaking to my parents to which I completely had a meltdown and begged him not to.   I was already being accused of being some sort of "too serious" freak and this had me all out of sorts and scared that there was something wrong with me. Instead I was put in gifted classes to which I responded by  pretending not to understand anything, mostly because I hated my classmates and myself and did not want to stand out in any way.  One could say I got a fine head start in self sabotage when my intellect was discovered (please do not think I'm bragging, I find the whole episode quite sickening actually)

I have chronic pain in many areas and occasionally have skin symptoms like its on fire for no apparent reason.  I feel as if my trauma is lodged in my body (without trying to sound completely like a weirdo) as a youngster I had many bone fractures and illnesses and as I never had any medical care even with my ankle fracture (the worst of all probably) and no treatment for other serious illnesses I feel alternatively tough and weak with physical pain.  I have a high pain tolerance but I also hate it.  Things that help me are taking hi dose vitamin C for my joint pain, multivitamin, no dairy and minimal sugars which cause inflammation.  I also have to use fragrance and dye free laundry soaps and body soaps.  Yoga has very much reduced my chronic pain also and it practice daily or near daily.

I was curious if anyone feels the same as me, I have never felt special ever in my life, as in wow you may have some talent in something young man or young, when you start taking care of your parents and siblings before the age of 10 I guess you don't ever get to feel young.  I have been accused of being "too serious" my entire life, always criticized and never celebrated.  When I see pictures of me as a youngster they make me physically ill.  The counselor I'm working with showed me a picture of himself as a youngster and it nearly made me sick, I don't feel I was ever a baby or a child, I just showed up as a 9 year old as caregiver and saviour of the family (that failed of course) pictures of myself as a youngster make me physically ill, I'm now closer to the end of my life than the beginning and wondered if anyone else ever feels this way.

I frequently had bad sunburns and once had 2nd degree burns over nearly my whole body, I was put in an excruciating y cold ice bath while my skin fell off.  I t was *. 

I also broke my ankle as a child by running and tripping over a tree root.  my father punched me in the face for crying and threw me in the back seat of our car to drive home.  At home my mother make me put my broken ankle in the ice bucket.  It hurt so bad I remember wishing to die.  The whole time being berated about how stupid I was and how they're not paying for any damn doctor for some stupid kid. I never got any treatment for my leg and had to use my sisters old crutches to get to school, she was six feet and I was five feet two so I could barely get me arms into them.  They still made me participate with PE classes and walk to and from school on my broken ankle every day.  I remember every minute of those six months.  Its kind a surprising I can walk normally now.

When my dad passed on I had a terrible depression hit me.  It was as if the hope of ever having a "real" relationship with "father" was now never a possibility. Actually it never was but I don't think I truly accepted it.  Now that many years have passed I still grieve the relationship of what could have been but other than that I don't grieve the reality of my life as a child. I am glad that I never have to see him again and thats the truth.  I grieve that I never had a father that loved me, protected me and in fact cruelly abused and humiliated me.  Letting go of hate and into indifference is my goal, I have to say I'm there mostly.  Being mixed feelings of two minds is what I think is normal for people like us.

my type of major self harm is cutting, I am happy to say I haven't cut in nearly two months! that is a long time for me.

My more minor type of self harm is drinking and hair pulling.  I have a big head of nappy hair so it takes a lot of pulling for anyone to notice. I don't care it just makes me feel better sometimes.  The overeating and self medicating thru drinking is really an issue now.  I have gained a few pounds (OK more than a few) but am still within the normal BMI so is it an issue, who the * knows.

How to handle the cptsd without a community to help me and support me is beyond my abilities, so I guess I'll remain fat and bald for a while anyway.

Thank you, it's a new day.  Hopefully a better day, trying to get some better control of my emotional state today.  I find I get triggered by invalidating.  I don't go around whinging about my life, but sometimes even at work a trivial remark will set me spiraling.  I am working with some much younger more conceited people.  They invalidate me at times and usually I don't care because I know the game they're playing but at times it hits a nerve root of being invalidated for bigger things, like being injured, humiliated and scorned just for daring to exist. Then I can't stop.

I don't think I m getting better, I am like a heartbeat that goes up and goes down.  When I'm down I can't think of going up again, I think of all manner of terrible ways to end it all. I'm still here though so who knows.

I've had chronic pain for decades, I would do almost anything to get rid of it, I flirted with addiction for a while but never got full blown with it.  I don't think I deserve pain but my body seems to remember pain very well.  I think it remembers the pain of my growing up when I had untreated broken bones and severe illnesses untreated due to abusive FOO. I don't address it to much in therapy.

I have a litany of these "jokes" but they're just not funny.

My dear parents think its hysterical that two of my brothers tried to physically murder me as a child but didn't succeed.  They and the brothers laugh so hard at how I turned blue at my near drowning and strangulation.  I just feel sick, even today.  When I was old enough to understand what they were all laughing at I had a choice to cry and be beaten or not react.  I didn't react, I wasn't stupid, even as a young child.

My brother announced to my partner and his parents that I once wet our dads lap when I was a toddler on a long car ride.  This was the first time I had met my parner's parents.  I was in a semi delusional state thinking that my brother could spend five minutes without ridiculing me or attempting to humiliate me.  The fact that this happened decades ago seemed irrelevant to the constant shaming that my brother has to do in order to maintain my submission.

I hate those kind of jokes and insinuations, they are savage and do so much psychological harm.  Then being told it's because I'm too sensitive makes it even more insidious. 

so I just made up a phrase here but thought I'd throw it out there for you lovelies anyway.  has anyone else noticed the prevalence these days of parents standing about a stones throw from their young child and talking to other parents about how their child is A) ADD B)ADHD C)ASD or D) insert diagnosis here.  I don't understand it.  I was walking my nephew to the grammar school yesterday and came upon a gathering of mums with their kids around just randomly diagnosing their kids. I wonder what the kids are thinking surely they can hear all this.

I was just reviewing this thread, I think it's interesting that so many people have the same struggles.  I always felt I was so alone but after so many decades and the advance of technology I realize I'm not.  I don't think anyone can advocate meds or not for another person, but it's just kind of sad that our lives and life experiences put us in the same place where we are experiencing similar psych problems across continents and time zones. Maybe if we had not been abused in the first place we would have no reason to reach out and contact each other. I am thankful for all the kindness I have experienced on this site, it is not something I am familiar with in a personal way.

HI there, thank you for replying to my ramblings.  I think there isn't much to be gained by learning about my past other than the fact that I didn't face it well.  For the coming generations I hope that you escape sooner than I did from whomever is oppressing you.  I lived in a state of perpetual fear of family, school and the Holy Ghost.  Now I no longer live in fear for my existence because that is over but I hope for your sake, the oppressed and repressed, that you run away fast.  Don't look back, ever.

I have chronic nightmares, the kind that wake you up sick and screaming.  The only thing that helps is not sleeping, not going to lie, I keep myself going 20-23 hours a day at full power, then collapse and set alarm for two hours later.  I don't allow myself to sleep much, it's too awful to contemplate descending to that * daily.  I know I'm sleep deprived, maybe one day I'll not be, but I don't know when. 

oh my blueberry I do this all the time too, do not do any more hurtful things today if you can help it.  Those days are over and you are a new shade of blue.