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I have had the same episodes before. Every day seems exhausting and dreary. At these days, my energy levels would drop to the lowest, heart racing, dream a lot and wake up with a dark cloud hovering in my head. It felt like there was no hope, no sign of a sunny day, and no way of escape. Such episodes happened a few times in my life. I am not very sure how I got into them or out of them. It seems every time I got one of such episodes, there was a trigger preceded it. And as the environment changed-- such as moving to another city, starting a relationship with someone, changing my career direction, the symptoms were gradually diminished and I gradually moved out of the fog. And when a trigger happens again, I probably will fall back into the fog. These foggy episodes may as well be called as depression or anxiety attacks. But it does not matter what the medical name is. What matters is how I felt and lived inside these episodes.
I think I am right in such an episode now, which is triggered by my father's cancer diagnosis. I have very conflicting feelings towards him. He is dying. I am in another country and feel trapped in my own mind reviewing and re-feeling all that happened in my FOO.
Although knowing the trigger will not make you directly feel better. But the awareness of it makes you a little bit stronger. Try to talk or write about such feelings as much as possible; try to cry as much as possible; and trust time. Healing is a process, time is one essence. It is painful to feel so helpless and vulnerable.
People say to feel emotionally stronger you need to connect with others. But for people with CPTSD, especially the ones caused by childhood abuse, to build connection is already a challenge, because we never learned how to trust and how to be vulnerable. Instead, we learned how to survive when we were young at the cost of our mental warfare of the future. I am not sure if my words would bring any comfort to you. I find them to be dark as well, just like my mood now. Let's keep going and keep searching for the light.

Hello berceuse, I think it is a good idea try jogging again, maybe listening to some nice music or talks or motivational materials while jogging.

Hi there, I am brand new here, just found out I have C-PTSD. And I am very glad to have found this forum.

My father was diagnosed with advanced cancer a little more than one month ago, and is dying, which triggered my anxiety and a lot of flash backs. I was there with him for almost one whole month during his diagnosis journey. It feels like * to be around him, and I was angry inside and sometimes let such emotions run loose and feel guilt afterwards. I have sister who lives close to him (I escaped to another continent a few years ago) but doesn't want to around him either. My mother died when I was 7 yo and sister 3 yo. My father tried a few relationships after my mother's death, but nothing worked out. Since as far back as I can remember, he has been emitting the depressive, irritating and anxious energy out. He thinks he had a hard life and is entitled to lash out on me and my sister. My sister rebelled and won when she just enters 20s. I, instead, as the promising child, the extension of his ego, worked very hard to excel academically, obtained myself a chance to study abroad and then stayed abroad. I am glad I have kept a far enough physical distance, but deep inside, I feel empty and feel entangled with my father's needs, expectations, attitude and even energy. He has been totally financially dependent on me since 9 years ago. He has no income and no pension of any kind. I send back money regularly to keep him living a comfortable life. But it seems what I am doing is not enough, he still lashed out on me when I was there paying him a visit once in a year also. One day in 2014, on a holiday, after he lost his temper and finished his rage and threated me with his suicide, the angry tiger inside me was fully awaken. Ever since, whenever I think about him, I feel angry, sad and explored. Deep inside, I know I still care about him. But I cannot be living under his shadow any more. I am mourning a lot recently, for my lost childhood, my many years of stressful and lonely academic years , for the father that I wish I had had, for my inner little girl that has suffered severe neglect from very young until now. I was and am my own parent for so many years, I have learned many things by myself, but yet, I have never learned to love myself first. As far back as I can remember, I was the only hope of our family. I was expected to take care of my already emotionally ruined father by my extended family. Such a burden has turned me into an adult way before the supposed age.

I will come here to mourn, to release my real feelings, to calm down, and to rationalize. I hope you won't mind.