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Thank you for your response, blueberry. I do agree with what you're saying. It's hard. And the closer it gets the more I'm feeling depressed and panicky about the situation. I'm really struggling lately for multiple reasons, and this is just coming along at a really bad time adding to it.

I'm going to keep thinking about what you said, and what my truest gut feeling is in the end. I wish I could just be happy and enjoy the wedding, but then I already know I don't live in fantasyland anymore.

So, a sibling is getting married. I have a decent/good relationship with this sibling and don't want to be no contact with her.

However, everyone who I have issue with will be there. NM and her husband, who I am no contact with, LC dad and stepmom, and a sprinkling of " family is everything" aunts, and uncles who have treated me different since they caught wind. I am no contact with my mother, sort of held out hope for far too long something might change. Last thing that happened was my stepdad texted me that she is "granting me my wish and letting me go for good." so that says the narrative is still all twisted around and that there is no hope.

It's a small wedding in an intimate space. I want to support my sibling, but I don't know if I should just go and ignore everybody, or make a huge statement by not going. I know if I don't go it will be a huge deal to family who are there, and it will probably mean that I am now no contact with my entire family. it's just an example of how I'm the one who's ostracized for not taking abuse anymore.

I don't really want to miss her wedding, but it is very overwhelming and I'm kind of pissed that it's set up to where I have to choose. I also think it's sort of silly to be marrying someone she hasn't known that long. I've only met him three times and never met his large clan of young children. I feel like she doesn't really care how I feel about it which is normal but maybe we're not as close as I always thought we were.

Thanks, Armee..yeah, I don't manipulate, at least not purposely. But I don't think I do. I would be mortified to do the things my NM does to manipulate. I still feel mortified over things I said or did years ago sometimes, things that don't come close to the damage done by every day comments and actions of my NM. For instance, NM was very PA to me regularly. When I was around 6 I remember smacking a dog in the face to get it to behave. I have been mortified at myself ever since, and hope that somehow my soul will connect with that dogs soul in th elect life so I can apologize and hug it. My NM doesn't think she owes me any apology for a while hood of PA and lifetime of EA, and smearing me to my family.

I told her I wasn't sure if I would go if it was at NM's. I would like to go for her, it just sucks that it always and will always involve NM and her flying monkeys.

I love my niece and nephew and wanted to be their involved aunt, but my time with them is drastically reduced and now it seems even they believe the narrative that this is all my choice and issue. I think part of it is carried over by my GC sister even. She doesn't do anything to stop it.
I don't really know the details about that, it's just a hunch by the way they don't want to spend as much time with me, and when I'm there they stare at their phones or stay in their room. Regular teenagers? Maybe.

They will now all live in a house like the Brady bunch so my time there will be nil.

Thanks, blueberry. Interesting for sure. This helps visualize what's going on. I know from experience my response to the juggling would likely be fawning and laughing at myself. Which I hate when I'm doing it. I know intellectually I don't have the skills to juggle 5 balls so why would I be able to? But, also feeling very exposed and on the spot if someone was expecting me to. Like I had to at least try. Ugh.there would be some dysregulation going on. Especially as a kid. I would have expected myself to know how to juggle.

Reading your very well expressed personal talked on this subject, I'm already feeling a lot calmer about this. I really hear what each of you are saying. I think once I recognize something in me that fits, I'm horrified that I have a trait like that. For instance, I knew I have trouble connecting to others like other people around me. Like I always feel like I hear a bunch of gibberish when in a group and like everyone is laughing and enjoying the conversation, and I can't even hear what anyone is saying, nor think what I do hear is funny. lol. Now to lear that narcissists can't connect with people, I've been down on myself.

I also feel I used to connect well until person after person betrayed me in some way. I now understand it likely had more to do with the "home" like vibe of abusive people I was drawn to for friendship and partners.

Anyway, I digress. Yeah, I don't believe the label themselves are the important things, but understanding these behaviors are not "our fault. And having a framework to understand helps a lot. I do self reflect and see things in myself, and while that may discount NPD, it's still disturbing! And, if I DO have traits of NPD, all I can do is recognize them and do my best to change them as I go. And so what if I'm deemed self focused by some. Maybe I am due to trauma on trauma. Many people don't even try to figure it out, so, what's wrong with trying?

 

The only diagnosis I have ever actually officially had was PTSD. I explained to that therapist about CPTSD and she said yes well this is the only thing like that we have here in the US. That is frustrating that this is a well-known problem and we are behind in acknowledging it here.

Anyway, the more I listen, or learn about all of these things, sometimes I hear the information, as maybe I have BPD or NPD, or both. What I previously thought was CPTSD. I a therapist who has a channel HEAL NPD, and he said CPTSD is in the borderline spectrum. So sometimes I hear I have CPTSD and other times it seems I may have borderline or NPD traits, that they are really the same thing.

The difference I feel is that I care how I treat people, I don't want to have these issues and try to figure them out and change them. Sometimes I feel myself doing things that I don't seem to be able to stop. I'm not verbally abusive, but, for instance, I may talk too much or reveal too much, and I'm worried I have annoyed people. And then when they don't call or reach out, I feel extreme shame about it. I had a good friend fall away and I know that it was because I was self focused in that I had a lot going on, was sick and over explaining , why I haven't been available to do the normal activities. I know we could probably talk and I do own my part but I also am overwhelmed by her impatience and lack of empathy with me. So I've just never reached out which I'm sure seems like I've ghosted her.

Anyway, it's just another source of shame to feel that I may be BPD, or NPD, as well as have CPTSD. I know it's all on a spectrum, but i've become more isolated and lonely, and all of this does not motivate me to form new relationships.

I am close to my sister despite her utter lack of support in my NC with NM. I would totally go, and I'd be excited about going if it weren't for NM and all the people in the family that believe her narrative.

I don't feel comfortable going to NM's house however. I don't feel welcome there by her husband who haaaaaaates me and doesn't have a clue about the truth of the situation.

Ugh..so, my sibling is getting married. So you know NM, and flying monkeys will be there. It may even be AT her house! So, I already am feeling anxious and questioning if I will go. Which is sad.

The nephew has a thing. He is the singer at a thing his school is doing. So, they will all be there.

I feel like the only option is to move to the other side of the earth and lose my passport. I'm just really stressed. I keep wondering if I should write nm a letter but then what's the point.

I can so relate to so many sentiments you have for your mother. It helped me to realize that "I did the best I could" is a line straight out of every abuser's playbook. They all say it. But, DID she do the best she could? Your feelings are accurate. She did not value you. It's what makes a narcissistic personality so glaring and painful. Painful when it's your mother, someone you love and want a good relationship with so badly. So sorry you've been born into this. We here understand.

Thanks so much for your support and validation. I think of how not that long ago I felt very alone in this, and also was constantly bamboozled by platitudes. Saying them to myself even, trying to "get it." Then went through a major anti-platitude attitude that I remain in. Now that social media exists, it's nice to see I was never alone after all. I love the instagram by "don't gaslight me bruh." Check it out if you haven't, may even be by someone in this forum.

  Thanks San.

I hope your nervous system is able to heal fully. It really helped me to learn that it's not just all in my brain, but in my nervous system, and that that is a normal response. A big problem throughout life has just been being shamed and also shaming myself for not just being able to get over stuff easily or put things in the past. It seems like the oblivious people believe they do that and are able to. Maybe ignorance really is bliss. I've just always wanted the truth because I knew there was so much truth that was never uncovered.

Anyway, I guess it is ongoing and may be cyclical. I'm getting in a better headspace now and I really never want to revisit that low headspace I was in before Christmas. I just found out my sibling is getting married so that will be one more event, I will likely see, the group of abusers. It's sad that I can't enjoy the thought of going to my own sister's wedding or nieces performance or anything like that. I think it should be the crappy people that are stressed about it not me.

I can identify with this, woodsgnome. I'm sorry you're struggling with this. Insomnia is so so frustrating. I have had the really bad flashback dreams (more in the past), and that feeling of dread when bedtime comes. I would fall asleep relatively easily, but then wake up at 2 or 3 and never go back to sleep. Still do sometimes.

I have had a little relief though from a couple of things, if it's of any help. The doctor prescribed meds are not for me either. Too strong and yuck feeling. It's not completely solved it for me, but I started taking a very small amount of hemp oil(delta 8 thc) and 5 mg of melatonin. This all helped me get larger chunks of sleep. Now I only take the melatonin and it's going pretty well.

I'm supporting you whatever you do and know it's not a simple fix, but I know it can and will get better for you, woods. 

Thanks, Armee. It took until almost 50 yo for the injustice to sink in. she is full of contradictions, depending who she is around. It's not just childhood, it's throughout life, and even tho we have been NC a long time, she is still smear campaigning. But she always did.

I know now that none of her behavior was about me, and I was just born to this person by chance. I know some realms of thought say that we "choose" our life or family. Tell that to the millions of kids being trafficked as sex slaves! I get confused by TOO much information on the internet and ways of framing things. I guess what trips me up is the trauma bond and at times remembering the "good", and missing that, or what I perceived it to be.

Thanks, Armee. It took until almost 50 yo for the injustice to sink in. she is full of contradictions, depending who she is around. It's not just childhood, it's throughout life, and even tho we have been NC a long time, she is still smear campaigning. But she always did.

I know now that none of her behavior was about me, and I was just born to this person by chance. I know some realms of thought say that we "choose" our life of family. Tell that to the millions of kids being trafficked as sex slaves! I get confused by TOO much information on the internet and ways of framing things. I guess what trips me up is the trauma bond and at times remembering the "good", and missing that, or what I perceived it to be.