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Messages - Montys

#1
Sleep Issues / Nocturnal panic attacks?
May 21, 2017, 04:54:34 PM
I keep waking up about after I go to sleep having a panic attack. They're always about the same thing: that I'm going to die and go to * forever. I have pretty bad death anxiety that started during my time spent in church (and I actually skipped going to church with my family today for reasons, anytime I'm home with them they force me to go). I've tried developing something to prevent myself from having anxiety attacks in the day but at night they always wake me up.

Is there anything I can do to stop them? I think they're related to the leftovers of religious abuse. I'm very tired and feel worn out today; outside of that panic attack, I was woken up three other times (at least I think, I'm not sure if my father, who's been gone for a week, actually woke me up or not).
#2
Thanks for your very kind words, everyone. It's very needed right now.
#3
I've been cleaning out a file cabinet I have recently. I have a tendency to hoard things, so there were plenty of things from my childhood shoved in there chaotically, and I went through and looked through every single piece of paper and journal I found (and there were literally hundreds of them).

When I was nine there was this sudden pattern of me journaling about rather depressing things. My days would be fine and normal, but something really insignificant would happpen and I'd start writing about how useless and pathetic I was, how no one liked me, how unimportant my existence was, and how I would be better off dead. And I do remember being nine and crying myself to sleep pretty frequently, but it was over the stupidest things, like this really strong conviction that my mother loved my sister more than me, and that's a sentiment that still kind of exists today. Just two days ago, for example, my sister asserted to me that she was my mom's best friend and therefore she loved her more than she loves me, and then proceeded to insult me.

What's hard about this is my sister said it in kind of a joking way, but my family does that a lot. Like growing up my dad would jokingly tell me anything that happened is my fault, and he still does, but at some point in time I started to really think that it was my fault things were going wrong. But that's just me being stupid and oversensitive, most likely.

The point is, I guess, that I can't really pin down anything in particular that would be so bad as to give me C-PTSD. I guess my experience being raised as an evangelical Christian was traumatic, as I still have nightmares about it, but so many kids grow up totally fine whereas I developed GAD and agoraphobia because of it when I was 11 and still struggle with anxiety and mood issues. And my parents are weird too; they're on the brink of divorcing right now which is doing no good for my mental well-being, but it's like both of my parents have two different personas that they flip in and out of. So they're both very loving and affectionate most of the time, but the tiniest thing will make my dad either start throwing things or stop talking to us for hours or days at a time (I still live with my parents, and I haven't seen my father in three days now because he got into a fight with my mother). My mom is a lot harder to describe, but when she gets angry she gets indignant, and I guess she's said some really bad things to me, but the problem is that it's not like a frequent thing that happens.

I wasn't really actively bullied or emotionally abused, and I was never physically or sexually abused, and I never experienced any big and real trauma, and I'm left confused about what happened to me as a child to make me want to kill myself when I was 9 years old. The only other thing I can think of was being gay & trans in an environment that can get very hostile towards LGBT individuals, but I wasn't really aware of it until I was older.

Sorry that was so long, I'm just confused and in constant need of validation. I hate saying I'm mentally ill or something when the more reasonable answer is that I'm overdramatic, ungrateful, and selfish.
#4
Religious/Cult Abuse / Fear kept me faithful
April 29, 2017, 01:04:12 AM
I was born into an evangelical Christian family, but I've been skeptical of religion and God for most of my life. I didn't even do the "Jesus prayer" as we called it until I was 7 years old, and when I did, the youth pastor isolated me from the rest of the children and held onto my arm despite me crying and begging him to let me go because I was uncomfortable. I only did the prayer because he told me I was crying because the Holy Spirit was moving me to repent and I would be separated from Jesus forever if I didn't pray. Instead of other adults being alarmed at how I was treated, they gave me congratulations cards.

The first two times I had a panic attack was at a church camp, and the same youth pastor scolded me when I asked if I could go back to my cabin because I was feeling ill, and I had a panic attack in front of everyone and had a horrible episode of derealization. No one asked me if I was okay or if I needed help. I was 10 at that point.

I bring that up because I then developed a deathly fear of death, more specifically of going to *, because I read the book of Revelations at that summer camp. When school started back up I was moved up to the junior high youth group and I had a new youth group leader who frequently made it a point to say lukewarm Christians (or Christians who had any kind of doubt about God) wouldn't get into heaven, and I frequently doubted God.  It didn't help that I now had multiple full-blown anxiety disorders, and all any of the Christian adults in my life could tell me was that I was only like that because I allowed the Devil to take over my life. I prayed to God every night begging for forgiveness. I thought I was possessed. I lost 20 pounds from not eating due to anxiety.

It took me until I was 17 to finally admit to myself that I didn't believe in God, but even then, I still have nightmares about going to *. I was in denial about the possibility that maybe religion traumatized me until a few weeks ago now when I woke up having a panic attack, and the first thing out of my mouth was "I don't want to die" because I had dreamt about going to *. And I feel guilty because I still hold up a Christian facade and a lot of people tell me I'm like this holy woman of Jesus (they don't know I'm actually a trans man, I'm still in the closet), and because whenever anyone starts talking about their Christian faith I get sick to my stomach. I don't want to be converted back or told I'm being prayed for because it was such an awful experience for me. I try living day to day life, but these memories of church come back to me so often and upset me daily.
#5
Cyber hug definitely works.  :hug:
#6
General Discussion / Feels like the confusion's gone
April 26, 2017, 03:54:42 PM
I think in terms of this forum I'm pretty young compared to everyone else. Not a minor, but young enough where I had access to the internet growing up. During my teen years I would lock myself up in my room and obsessively try to figure out what was wrong with me mentally, because my parents wouldn't take me to see a psychologist (the one time they did, it was because they accused me of being a psychopath because I don't like to be touched, and the therapist would force me to hug them and gave my parents an extra excuse to touch me when I didn't want them to). I've definitely had all kinds of anxiety disorders and depression, but there was always something more to it that I couldn't ever quite figure out.

I thought maybe I was bipolar or had BPD or maybe was in the process of developing a psychotic disorder or maybe a dissociative disorder. It wasn't until college that I heard about c-PTSD, because my friend has it and she has a very similar childhood experience to mine, and it feels like everything makes a lot more sense now.

I spend hours every day mulling over my childhood, because I was raised by conservative evangelical protestants, on top of being a gay trans man which only worsened things. I've been angry because I'm so unable to make any kind of intimate connection with anyone but I can't see a therapist because of money and my location. But I do have to admit I feel much more at peace knowing that all the mood swings I had and all the nightmares and panic attacks and failed relationships and social anxiety I had finally has a name.
#7
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Hello
April 26, 2017, 05:08:51 AM
Hello, everybody. I'm a bit nervous joining because I haven't been able to be officially diagnosed with anything due to financial and transportation reasons, so if I need to leave, I will.

My friend who has c-PTSD is the one who introduced me to it, and after a lot of years of anguish and anxiety and the rest, this feels like it might be the missing puzzle piece. I think I suffered emotional abuse at the hands of my family and the church I was raised in, on top of being gay and trans, but I feel horrifically guilty saying that.

I don't really know where else to go. I appreciate how kind everyone seems to be here. Thank you.