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I watched it this week, and I am re-watching it with my DH right now. It is very powerful. I appreciate how much it shows the grooming process and how people can't just deny it; they have to deal with it. I think Oprah did an awesome job interviewing them too. I think everyone should watch it, so they can learn how this happens and protect their children. But I am sure it is very triggering too. <3

It isn't just the memories that I do have. I also feel like there was someone else who may have hurt me. I have partial memories of places where I believe stuff happened. I can see the room, and feel all kinds of horrible sensations when I think about it. Sensations that feel like I am terribly uncomfortable and there was someone who was grooming me, or abusing me. But I can't see the abuse. I just feel it. And if I try to remember I get a stabbing pain in my head. Every time.

I wouldn't wonder, except that I know that I have blocked out other things too. You know?

I have a history of repressing memories. I was in an abusive relationship, and after the bf strangled me and threatened to put my head through his wall, I forgot about this incident for about six months and then the memory flooded back. But I had blocked it out for a half of a year. I also, have memories that have come back recently, that I had blocked out, of when my BPDm was really bad addicted to alcohol and drugs. Things happened that I had blocked out, and I only now remember because people told me about them and I know they are true. So I know I do block out things.

but there are also things that I remember from childhood that confuse me. Things that involve my parents and my private body parts. I remember these things, but when I ask my parents about them they tell me that it either never happened and I dreamed about it, or that it was for medical reasons.

Has anyone else ever doubted your own memories, because your parents told you it was just a dream? My BPDm does lie still and gaslight. So I am starting to trust myself more than her. But in the past she defined my truth. If she contradicted what I saw with my own eyes, I would believe her over my eyes.

The thing is, I really think some stuff happened to me, but that my mind is blocking it out. The reason I want to remember, is because if the person who did this to me is still in my life, I don't want to just trust them. You know?

Should I trust my memories? Or should I believe that it was all just a weird dream?

I am thinking that I need to have some EMDR sessions with a therapist. I have some repressed memories. I know that. Even now I have trouble with memory. If something bad happens, I will have a hard time remembering it. I have recently been reminded of huge things that happened just last summer, and when the person talked to me about it, I said, "Oh, I never knew about that." Even though I was completely involved in what happened. They looked at me like I was crazy. I had absolutely no memory of it at all. Then two hours later I remembered being in a room with several people, leading an intervention, on behalf of a kid who had been abused. But I forgot the whole thing.

I forget a lot. I forget problems with my husband. If my mom throws a fit, I can't remember it. I will have a general feeling that she is upset and something happened, but I have to ask someone else to remind me what the fit was about.

It feels like when you are talking and you lose your train of thought, and you know that there was something you wanted to say, but you can't find it. That is how my memories feel. But sometimes they are completely gone and I haven't a clue.

There are big things from my youth that I have suppressed. Being reminded of them scares me. Old friends from school telling me of times they have seen my mom rage and abuse me, or abuse them. And I had forgotten, but then I can see it once again, after being reminded.

Today, I remembered being 4. I remember standing in the entry way of my house and begging my mom not to take me to preschool. I was screaming in terror, and throwing myself on the floor. She was mad at me, she was in a hurry; I was being difficult. I remember feeling like I needed her to hear me. I didn't want to ever go back. My mom never listened, because that would mean I won. She must win. Everything was about her winning over me. She must have thought I was being manipulative. I can feel the terror of having to go to that school even as I sit here and type.

I believe that something bad happened to me there. And yet I can't remember. I remember a few weird scenes that make me feel uncomfortable.

I am angry that my mom didn't listen to me.

There is so much I don't remember.

And it isn't just that I have a bad memory, I can feel that there is something there.

Has anyone been helped by emdr?

Thank you for sharing Dee <3

I want so bad to be a good mom. I am constantly comparing myself to my BPDm. Of course it is apples and oranges, because she was a severe alcoholic and I don't drink at all. Our home is healthier. I have an opposite personality of my BPDm. She is controlling, mean, angry, explosive, and scary at times. But she would have moments of kindness. To me now, it feels like those moments were used to draw me back into her confidence. To make me dependent upon her approval.

So when I get upset, it reminds me of her. Even though I try to bottle it all inside. I feel bad when I feel bad. I feel guilty when I have emotions. I feel scared when I have a EF.

You are right. This with my DD will get better. <3 Thank you for sharing that this situation could trigger an EF. And that things your children have gone through have triggered these things for you too.

I think I am having an EF. This week has been hard. My DD is a teenager and she was being bulllied, and the mom of the bully called me and I had to stand up for my DD. It went well, but I wanted to resort to "flight." Then DD's BF dumped her. She was crying so hard last night. She has been through a lot and I love her. But I think her pain triggered my past pain.

When I was growing up my mom was a raging alcoholic. I had to walk on eggshells and never express my deep feelings. I also was bullied in a similar way, and I am no stranger to a broken heart. But I am wondering if I was so emotionally abandoned, that the typical pain of adolescence was compounded in a way because of my family situation. I have emotional flashbacks sometimes when it comes to abuse from my mom. But I didn't know if you could have one for other experiences that occurred DURING the time that I was being abused by my mom--being rejected, hurt, bullied, and dumped by other people too (during that time).

Last night, I comforted my DD but when she went to bed I was overwhelmed with grief, but it felt like my grief. It was like drowning in depression. I felt like I couldn't breathe and wanted to throw up. I actually have felt several times this week like I need to self harm. I don't deal with that. And feelings like I am so worthless I should just die. I think my inner critic went ballistic on me last night. Thoughts like, "Everything I touch, I ruin. I fail at everything. I am such a loser. I am a horrible mom. I am all alone. No one loves me. Everyone thinks I am stupid." All this anger, injustice, helplessness, emptiness, lonleliness, shame, embarrassment AT feeling this way. And guilt for going through these feelings.

I am super perfectionist. And I posted an inspirational quote on social media yesterday and someone posted a critical response, saying it is unbiblical. She quoted a verse about * and judgment. It made no sense. My inspirational quote had nothing to do with religion, let alone *. But I felt so judged, I deactivated my social media account (flight). I have been dissociating. Then I activated the account again and responded to her. Then I felt stupid so I just deleted my entire post.

I feel like I am going crazy. I still feel like this. Last night as I was trying to sleep, and my mind was raging on me. I had this quiet thought. "What if this is an emotional flashback?" So I got out my Pete Walker book. I think what confused me is that my trigger is not my mom this time, but pain from adolescence. I didn't know I would be triggered by seeing someone I love, bullied, dumped and in pain. I know I would feel compassion for my kid and help her. But I think it brought up some deep things for me too. Is this possible? The only other thing that could be happening is that I am losing my mind and going nuts.

Hi,

I haven't been here for a while. I am having a weird moment, my hands are tingling as I type this. Yikes. I was watching a video today about gaslighting and realizing how much my mom has done that my whole life. It sparked a memory, and I am wondering if gaslighting has to do with it.

Where to start. I have a BPDm who was a hardcore alcoholic drug user when I was a child. She was a rager too. I KNOW i blocked out a lot of trauma. As far as C-PTSD, I believe I have it and I typically freeze and dissociate. I have been around people from my childhood lately and they are bringing up memories that I had blocked, and then now I have recovered some of them, but I know I have a lot of stuff that I am repressing.

However, I have one memory that I never repressed. I think my whole life I thought it was normal, until I had children. Trigger warning.

Please if this is too much forgive me, I just don't know where else to take this and I need insight. Because maybe it is normal.

I have memories of first of all my entire life I was not allowed to wear underwear to sleep in. My mom told me it was bad for my privates to wear underwear. I thought this was normal, one night I was 6 or so and a friend was spending the night and I told her she needed to take off her underwear to sleep. I thought everyone did that. She freaked out and told our parents, her mom was partying at our house that night. She said, "Mom, Green Door is telling me I need to take off my underwear so my vagina can breathe!!!" I was shocked. To me it was like reminding a friend to brush their teeth. I didn't want to see her privates. I wasn't trying to abuse her at all. Just like, wash your hands after you go to the bathroom. My mom thought it was so funny. But I was confused because she had always made it sound like I would get an infection down there if I wore underwear.

Then there is this "scenario" she told me that she would have to come into my room at night with a flashlight to check my bottom for pin worms. I have never had pinworms in my life. Again, I thought this was normal, to expect a parent to come into your room while you are sleeping to check your bottom for pinworms. Except, now it seems weird because I have NEVER done that to my kids.

Finally, I have memories of having to lie down on the floor without pants on so that my mom or dad could rub vasoline on my vagina area. The reason they told me was because I had an infection down there because of bubble bath, and the dr. asked them to. So trusting them, I would do it. I have several memories of this. I even have one of me coming down the hall asking for vasoline down there. This has always seemed reasonable to me, because i had heard that bubble bath can cause infections. But aren't those bladder infections for which you would take an antibiotic and cranberry juice? My dd had a bladder infection and i NEVER once rubbed vasoline on her privates.

It also bothers me how willing I was. I didn't have sexual feelings at all, but it was just super trusting. My kids are very private. I know if I even suggested this they would freak out. But I would never suggest it or feel comfortable at all with anything like this.

On a side note. I do feel like (and have felt for years) that I was sexually abused at some point in my life, but blocked it out. When I was younger I told myself that I was just being dramatic, or trying to get attention (which is not true because I never told anyone--so no attention). But I have these strange partial memories of swim class at a daycare and changing rooms and the weird windows. And now when I try to remember it, I get this strange headache like stabbing pain right above my right eyebrow. EVERY SINGLE TIME  I try to remember. The pain is right there. So I stopped trying to remember thinking maybe I am not ready to remember.

But today I was thinking about this incident in my home. Is this normal behavior? I don't know what to think about it? Is it strange at all? I am not saying I was  molested by my parents, but just that I think it is weird. And I brought it up to my mom one time and she totally acted like I was crazy and remembering it wrong. But she did that with my uncle too. I was in high school and he trapped me in a room and started coming on to me. I told her, and she blew it off like it was nothing. Or that I was being dramatic.

This is why when I was in an abusive relationship with a boyfriend, and he threatened to kill me and he sexually assaulted me (which I had also blocked out for several months at the time) I didn't tell her, I thought she would blow me off.

Anyways, please help me understand what is going on? Does it sound like this was weird? Does it sound like I might be repressing memories of sexual abuse at that school because of the weird headaches? Please share your thoughts. Sorry if I shared TMI.

Hi,

I'm new. I am not sure if I belong here. I have just recently learned that my mom has BPD. We are enmeshed. I was raised to suppress my feelings, thoughts, and needs mostly for her happiness, and also the happiness of everyone around me. She was an alcoholic, with a horrible temper. Everyone at my house walked on eggshells. But it is weird, because when she is in a good mood, she is so fun and kind and supportive. But anything can trigger a bad mood, and when that happens I shrivel inside.

I am thinking that I have a problem with dissociation. For one thing, when my M gets upset and starts exploding, I shut down. Like a computer goes to sleep. I am there, I am awake, but I am not able to do much. I zone out. And then after, I don't remember much of what was said or what happened. Is that dissociating? I also do that in any situation where I feel scared. I was touched inappropriately by a family member as an adult and I just froze, like a deer in the headlights, couldn't stop it, couldn't do anything. Zoned out. Panicked.

I also think I disassociated in high school. I had a boyfriend violently assault me, and again, I froze and zoned out until the door was unlocked. I was terrified. Then, I was sick. Then I forgot about the experience for months. About six months after it happened the memories flooded back. I remember thinking that it was weird that I blocked it out, because I thought only victims of serious crimes would do that.

I also have a strange feeling that there is something else that happened to me as a child that I cannot remember. I have locations in my head that make me sick. I get the  heeby geebies thinking about those places, but I have no clue why. So I have told myself I am making it up and nothing happened. And maybe I am. But it is like I feel inside that something bad happened. And because I have other things that I have a hard time remembering, I think it is possible.

If my M were to get upset right now, I would tune it out and then afterwards I would either remember it or I would have a feeling like I can't remember something, but I am upset about something. Like I can FEEL like there is something I can't remember.

My dad told me tonight of a night when she threw me out of the house. I didn't remember it. He said, really? Then he told me how she threw him out after because he sided with me. So we were both kicked out of the house. I forgot about it.

I mean, people don't remember everything that happens. I don't know what I had for lunch last week, but don't you think I would remember a huge fight where my M threw me and my dad out of the house?

Every since I realized that my mom has BPD it explains EVERYTHING about how she is--she is super controlling, fearful, wants complete submission, gets mad when I don't share her opinions, thought polices me, terribly moody, I am either all good or all bad, she verbally abuses me, etc. All the symptoms of BPD. And I understand now why I am such a doormat. I thought I was nice and easygoing--but I was trained to be that way to please her.

So every since I realized it, I have been thinking of my past, and I started having panic attacks. I didn't know I was, It started before Christmas. And I thought I was dying. I kept thinking I was having a heart attack and about to die. But in my head I thought, "Well, I don't want to disturb anyone by saying that I think I am dying and call 911 or go to the doctor." So I just laid in bed freaking out and I realized it was panic attacks. I didn't die.

One more thing that I didn't think was connected, but I have been looking at the forums and I notice a lot of people daydream. I have done this my whole life. I imagine a world where I am who I want to be, surrounded by supported people. I usually have a recurrent "rescuer" theme. Someone who helps me or saves me from something scary. Could this be a way I have coped?

Anyways, I appreciate any thoughts.

FYI, thank you for taking the time to read my post, I know some of you have been though trauma and suffering much worse than mine. <3  Best wishes