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Messages - Warringmind

#1
THank you all so much for your comments and thoughts and encouragement and sharing some of your experiences. I really appreciate it. I'm in a similar spot to before although some things have shifted. I'm working harder to stop my self destructive behaviors and have been continuing therapy. My will power shifts and is constantly changing minute to minute, I'm constantly fluctuating between wanting to get better and face my past and challenge myself and between throwing in the towel and sabotaging any bit of progress I have made. It's a constant battle, one that I sometimes feel I am losing, and often feel as though I am a referee... Not even a participant in it, just someone standing on the sidelines watching the ball being kicked from one side to the other and occasionally having to step in to reason with the team mates or to kick a player off the field. Although I am aware of what I need to be doing to progress, it's very hard to continually argue with myself about why I need to get there even though I don't feel worth it or deserving. Anyway I just want to thank you guys all again for all the replues I've recieved. It's so good to feel understood, to feel heard. Thank you
#2
Hi keep fighting.  :hug:
Yes I have problems with accepting kindness.. Of any sort really. To be honest with you though I'm still working on handling it, and am not et able to stop my automated thoughts... In fact I sometimes purposely feed them. But what I wanted to say to you is, I'm not a professional by any means or an expert in this field but what you wrote about "I wish I could break this cycle" etc to me shows that you will eventually be able to break this cycle. The fact that you want to be able to break it and not just know you deserve it and that its ok, but to feel it too... Shows that you know there is a life out there that doesn't feel the way you currently do when kindness is shown and that you wanting to have that is such a positive sign I think. I wish I could be more helpful with strategies and ways to help you be able to accept kindness. But I'm sure there are many others on here that will be very helpful an have a few ideas for you. I really hope you can keep building on that want to change and find some steps to help you get there! I'm also sorry to hear about your experiences growing up with the "kindness" that was shown to you. Thank you for sharing that with us.
#3
Seasaw, oh my goodness! You just described what a lot of my days are like. I 1/4 or 1/2 finish everything I do. I forget what I have started and move on to other things then remember and go back to the first thing but on the way get distracted or side strained by another thing I had to do. I find sometimes writing lists help, problem is I usually can't remember everything to put on the list so start to add things but they get out of order and then it's just all too overwhelming and end up in a big cycle of negative thoughts and feelings towards myself. Thank you so much for sharing your experience, it has helped me feel less like I'm losing my mind. I hope that you are able to gain back some of your focus soon!
#4
I have been logged in for the last 3 hours, scrolling up and down the pages, glimpsing over a few of the posts, reading bits and pieces, Trying to sort out... I don't even know what.
I have so many thoughts that I feel my head isn't big enough to contain them all. I don't even know where to begin getting some out, and writing this now is just making it even more confusing as to what is going on up there. I don't even know if I'm making sense?
I had therapy on Wednesday and it didn't go too well. I said about 20 words. I was ok when I walked in, but closed up very shortly after. My throat became tight, chest was sore, stomach in knots, head was shooting in pain, shoulders nearly too heavy to sit upright. No matter what she said I just couldn't free myself. She tried and tried like many times before but got nothing. The more she tried the more guilty I felt. I was so angry and upset with myself that I just didn't know what to do, so I went to nowhere. I feel so guilty that she feels as though she isn't helping me and I know it's my fault. She has spent a couple of years gaining my trust and we have a good therapeutic relationship but more times than not I am a closed book, and occasionally I'm so shut that it hurts in a big way.
I'm writing so much here and I apologise for anyone reading this. I don't ever really let myself talk this much about me so I'm really sorry if you have read this far.
I am so embarrassed and ashamed about goin back next week. I feel I have let her down hugely. I remember her asking me if I have anything to say about the situation (her not being of much use of help, she was being really honest and I appreciated that) and I just said no, and I knew I should have said more but I really couldn't get anything more out. She said I have a lot of thinking to do, she went over again all the things we've been trough before, that I'm standing in a fork and have a Choice to make etc etc. I just don't know if I have it in me to continue. I Know where it will lead me if I don't. But I'm less afraid of that. I'm so terrified. Terrified of losing control, that I'm losing even more of myself in the process of trying to hold on to the control I have now. I don't know if I'm making sense. I just can't seem to find my way. I'm so hurt. I'm usually very numb, but I've been feeling a lot and I think I know some of why that's happening, but at the same time don't allow myself to go there. I'm so afraid of being vulnerable and feeling, but feeling overwhelmed at the same time anyway without even going there, if that makes sense?
I don't even know what I'm trying to achieve by writing this. Theres just a lot going on and I don't know what I want to do with myself. I'm torn in every direction about everything.
Does anyone that has read this far.. Relate to any of this? I don't know.
#5
Hey beHea1thy thank you also so much for taking the time to write here. I really appreciate it. I'm really glad to know I'm not alone in that thinking and the stop start of therapy and at times hospital stays. Yes I really struggle with taking care of myself at times.. And to put myself first, it doesn't happen often at all. But I'm taking baby steps, trying to eat healthily and not have disordered views of it, trying to exercise moderately, think more positively of myself etc. It's taken years to even try... To even want to try,
But I'm getting there. I hope you continue to overcome battles and put yourself first!
#6
Thanks so much widdiful! Yes you are right... Valleys do have an end at some point just have to trudge it out until I can see that end... Until the next hill  haha. I guess it's sort of and venture.. A horrifically terrifying one, but an adventure all the same. And I hope we come out of it stronger and tougher than ever.
Thank you much for replying!
#7
Hi kizzie and lonewolf. Thank you so much for both of your responses! It's nice to "meet" you both :)
I am so grateful to have this website available, it is so good to feel not so alone. Yes I'm very fortunate to have such an understanding therapist. I often times feel bad that I haven't made much progress at all because it is only a reflection on me and not her. I'm really glad lonewolf that you've had thT "aha" moment! It must have been (and can imagine still would be) frustratin to swim and swim and swim and feel like you weren't getting anywhere but utterly exhausted. And yes I think it has got a lot to do with safety and protecting ourselves from further harm as to why we slip in and out of recovery... I've never thought about that before. Thank you.
And kizzie thanks so much for the welcome. Yeh it did trigger a lot of trepidation, but I must say I'm glad I just took the plunge. It's good to know its "normal" to be in and out of recovery, that I'm not an unusual case.
Thank you both so much for taking the time to read and reply!
:hug:
#8
So... As my subject stated, this is my first post here.
I've been thinking for the last 6 hours whether I should post anything or not. I have been reading through many posts here for those 6 hours and I just couldn't stop reading, I can't believe I hadn't found this website sooner! It's like a treasure chest, filled with acceptance and understanding. I just am shocked to see how much of what I thought I was crazy for or that NOONE would understand or go through is actually quite common!
My therapist suggested to me last week that I (if feeling up to it) did some reading on CPTSD and so that is how I have stumbled across here.

I don't really know what I want to share here, I'm not one to talk about anything remotely related to me usually (in the real world) so I'm feeling out of my element.

Here goes  :sadno:
I was sexually abused from a young age by a neighbour, and it later became physical as well. Then at school I was also sexually abused until I was 16 and left school. A couple of months after leaving school I had a bit of a breakdown. I kept the past hidden though but my behaviours ended up with  me hospitalised. I was hospitalised for months and after coming home began my in and out of hospital story for nearly 3 years. I have broken that cycle and haven't been to hospital for nearly 3 years. I have been in therapy for 5 years now and 3 years a go I was lucky enough to have one that I was able to tell a little to. My brother was then diagnosed with cancer and my trauma therapy was put on hold due to too much stress and I was at high risk. But I am now "ready" to get back into it. It has been a constant battle for me to keep up with therapy, I have "quit" numerous times but my T has been very patient with me and understanding and continues to have the same conversations with me over and over again, the same arguments and counteracts the same doubts and apprehensions (each time a little tougher though I might add)

I think I am finally ready to make a decision to fully try and make progress. I'm not happy with where I am in my life and I know it's time for change. But I am so scared about revisitng things I have pushed away and buried so deep. Also about revisiting things I have forgotten and I am so ashamed and embarrassed when I "slip back" in therapy and relive the past.
Do other people here struggle with continuing therapy? I am constantly having a debate in my mind about not being worthy of help, feeling guilty for not being better by now, terrified of change, or thinking I will never recover so what's the point? Or don't waste people's time, you've been in some kind of therapy for 5 years now.
If there are others that struggle with this,  have you overcome it? Or do you think you will be able to?