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Messages - Kat

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Announcements / A Bit of Good News...Trauma & Education
« on: August 07, 2019, 05:20:55 PM »
Hello all!

It's been a while since I last posted.  I just thought I'd share the fact that baby steps are being taken to address trauma in the educational environment.  I'll soon be going to a two day training on trauma and resilience in the classroom.  I'm also in an online master's program where the concentration is trauma and resilience in the educational setting.  I was surprised and thrilled to see such a program exists.  I'm on the second course right now, so we haven't gotten to the courses for our concentrations.  I'll have to come back, and share what those are like.

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Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: Too Close to Home
« on: August 07, 2019, 05:01:55 PM »
The whole situation is so awful.  Absolutely awful.  I am so sorry you are in pain.  Take good care of yourself.

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Therapy / Re: Becoming a therapist
« on: April 03, 2019, 11:13:54 PM »
I think Elphanigh's response pretty much covers it.  A friend who is a therapist once suggested I think about becoming a therapist.  However, I know that my boundaries are simply not strong enough...yet.  I see the work of a therapist as something sacred, and as such, it's something I would loathe to mess up.  It's just too important.

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Therapy / Re: Is therapy necessary?
« on: April 03, 2019, 11:06:37 PM »
Following up on what Kizzie said.  I mentioned in my post that I revisited certain events multiple times and gained a different insight each time.  At first, I would relay an event much as I would relay a breakfast order at a diner--no emotion attached.  Each time, however, I got closer to the emotion of it until I finally could grieve it, feel its full impact, and move on.

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Therapy / Re: Is therapy necessary?
« on: April 01, 2019, 03:38:53 AM »
I know I wouldn't be nearly as far along in the healing process as I am if I did not have a competent therapist on my side. 

But, you asked more specifically whether it's necessary for a person to have therapy in which they discuss the nature of their abuse.  That I'm not so sure of.  I know there was a good amount of the 14 years of therapy I've had so far where I was going over and over different aspects of the abuse, but I was gaining more and more insight each time.  (This was mostly having to do with a mother suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder and attempting to see how abnormal and damaging her treatment of her children was.) And then there was a long time in which I was gaining new clues about sexual abuse that I have no conscious recollections of.  And then it was like we knew enough.  There simply was no more need to go back and revisit the abuse.  Indeed, my therapist began to ask me to resist "going there" when it started to appear to be simply re-traumatizing and no longer helpful.

I have a sister who does not want to revisit any of the abuse.  She sees a therapist.  She doesn't tell me a lot, but she has mentioned in the past that she doesn't discuss the past a lot with her therapist.  They're going about things through a different route, and that works for her.

In addition to a psychotherapist, I see a somatic-experiencing therapist.  She had made it absolutely clear that we do not need to rehash the abuse or have me re-experience it in any way.  She does a lot of hands-on body work to support me.  Our work is mostly about me learning check in with my body and listen to what it's telling me.  She's getting me to trust that my emotions won't kill me while also getting my autonomic nervous system back in balance. 

I think it all comes down to how you want to approach things.  There are plenty of different modalities to choose from.  I know lots of folks get help though EMDR.  I haven't explored that option. I think you should trust yourself to know what is most helpful to you.

Best of luck.


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General Discussion / Re: Grounding
« on: February 02, 2019, 10:35:37 PM »
I totally get the shallow breathing thing.  I work at a high school and was walking into our main building with a colleague one morning.  She began to cough and gasp for breath.  She asked what was in the air.  That's when I noticed a lot of kids covering their mouths and hustling out of the hall.  Someone had sprayed a bunch of pepper spray into the corridor.  I made it out the other side of the building and never noticed a thing.  Sometimes shallow breathing comes in handy, but mostly it's not a good thing.

As for grounding, I've always been told to feel the ground below my feet or to hold onto something solid to ground myself in the present.  It works for me.  I can see how following your breath could help, but if it just causes more distress because you're worried about feeling caged, then it seems it's just causing more trouble than it's worth.

I'm curious to know if your therapist offered any other suggestions besides breathing to help you ground yourself.

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Introductory Post / Re: New to OOTS
« on: January 23, 2019, 02:25:20 AM »
Welcome!  Glad you're here.

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Suicide Ideation/Self Harm / Re: traumatized in psych ward
« on: January 21, 2019, 11:52:15 PM »
What an absolute nightmare!  I hate that they put you on both the 5150 and the 5250.  That makes me so angry.  Ugh...and then all the mistreatment with the meds etc.  It's easy to see why you're feeling so out of control.  I did the crisis hotline thing recently and had a similar experience.  No help.

Obviously, the whole event was retraumatizing.  It also sounds like it triggered some horrible emotional flashbacks.  Can you feel the part of you, the True you, that has been so strong and determined and gotten you through so much in your life?  I hope so.  If you can, hold onto that.  That part of you wants to live.  I know this sounds all rosy and sunshiny, but it's not meant to.  You're in a very serious, very dangerous situation right now and it hurts like *.  But I believe in you, in the True you.  That fighter has what it takes.  Please keep coming back.  It may help pass the time and remind you that you're not alone in this even if it feels like it.

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Medication / Re: Experiences quitting antidepressants cold turkey?
« on: January 08, 2019, 10:08:31 PM »
Thanks Kizzie for reminding me (us) of the importance of good self-care.  I'm not sure where I read it, but someone, somewhere out there said something like you'll know you're healing when you are taking better care of yourself.  Since my tantrum was relatively short-lived, I'd say I'm healing.  Thanks to everyone for being here and giving much needed support.

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Introductory Post / Re: Being nobody
« on: January 06, 2019, 10:56:22 PM »
Donna, I private messaged you before I read your post from today.  You'd asked about dealing with different parts.  I wasn't sure we were talking about the same thing, but I see now that we were--structural dissociation!  Yay.  Fun.  No, but it's so nice to hear others' stories about how they experience their parts and how they interact with them.

I've got an angry male teen part who tries to act tough to help protect my littler parts.  He's often frustrated that he's not strong enough to stand up to the adults who are hurting the little ones.  I asked him his name and he said it is John.  I thought, "Well, that's kind of boring. Can it at least be Jon without the h?"  I think at the back of my mind I felt I was making John up, so if I were, why couldn't I have come up with a cooler name, right?  Nope.  John.  I found that whole interaction/thought process funny.

A member of OOTS named Hope mentioned a book by Janina Fisher called Healing the Fractured Selves of Trauma Survivors that is an excellent source of information about structural dissociation and how it's best treated by Internal Family Systems-based therapy.  It's been a huge source of help to me.  Huge.  I highly recommend it if you haven't already read it.

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Medication / Re: Experiences quitting antidepressants cold turkey?
« on: January 06, 2019, 09:49:44 PM »
My husband was able to get the pharmacy to give me three days' worth of meds.  I took my first dose last night.  I've got to call my GP on Monday and 1) make and appointment and 2) see if they'll give me a prescription to cover at least the time up until my appointment.

I'm still thinking I may try to get off of the meds the right way and under doctor's supervision.  We'll see, I guess.

Yes!  Libby, I'm glad you shared about not picking up your meds.  My pharmacy is a very short walk from my house and I still have trouble getting myself to go in and get them.  I have friends who can't understand why it's so difficult, so it's so good to hear from someone who gets it.

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Introductory Post / Re: Being nobody
« on: January 05, 2019, 09:25:44 PM »
Hang in there, Donna.  Keep coming here.  It helps with the feelings of isolation, I find.  Befriend those inner ego states.  Get to know them.  As I understand it, each is there to help even when the help appears to be anything but helpful.  The way they initially helped may no longer be helpful, but that was never the intent.  I hope that makes sense. 

Glad you're here.

13
Medication / Re: Experiences quitting antidepressants cold turkey?
« on: January 05, 2019, 08:13:50 PM »
Thank you all for the responses. 

Libby, it is such a complicated path to navigate!  I don't necessarily feel like the meds were keeping me from dealing with the big stuff, but I do have to say I'm experiencing a greater clarity in all the things I've sort of allowed in my life but am determined not to any longer--relationship and child-rearing stuff mostly.  In other words, I want more and no longer feel I can accept less.  However, it's a bit premature to say it's because of not being medicated

San, thanks, as always, for the kind encouragement.  I made use of a suicide text line at the start of all of this.  Called a hotline once years ago.  Both times I came away feeling like a hapless character in a dark comedy.  Won't stop me from reaching out in the future if I find myself feeling so desperate again.

Deep Blue, it's been a disaster for sure.  Thanks for the good luck wish. 

Kizzie, you're absolutely right, but...  (wait for the unreasonable reason)

My T is back so we were able to speak.  She asked the reason I feel like staying off the meds.  (She isn't a fan of me going off.)  I didn't have a good reason except anger at the situation, my dread of seeing and even calling doctors, and my frustration with the U.S. medical & insurance systems.  She pointed out that I have a tendency to turn anger inward and hurt myself.  I did hear myself say if I could walk into the local drugstore and pick up the medicine off the shelf today, I'd be taking it.  So...basically I'm throwing a temper tantrum, it seems.

Even so, I'm still not sure what to do.  I have to go back to work Monday, and I'm finding myself crying over really inconsequential stuff, so that's concerning.  I don't need to be a crying mess at work.  I guess I'll have to give up the tantrum and make a couple of calls.


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Medication / Experiences quitting antidepressants cold turkey?
« on: January 04, 2019, 11:34:51 PM »
Hey all!  I'm wondering if any of you have quit antidepressants abruptly without tapering off and what the consequences were.

Bit of background info: Jumped around from psychiatrist to psychiatrist for med management for years.  Finally got my general practitioner to prescribe them for me (which is unusual, in the U.S. at least).  Last two years he prescribed full year's worth at my annual check-up.  Pharmacy had prescription(s?) on file and filled my order each month. 

I had been taking 400mg of Wellbutrin and 20mg of Lexapro daily for last 10 years.  (I was also taking 25-50mg of amitriptyline, but not regularly.  They were initially prescribed by neurologist for headaches.)

Due to a combo of bad timing & a mix-up at the pharmacy, the pharmacy "sent back" the meds that I was due to pick up at the end of December.  They won't fill my prescription until they get dr.'s ok.  With the holidays, they've not been able to contact him and won't give me anything to take while I wait.  Truthfully, I haven't tried to fix any of this myself.

Sooo...holidays (always rough) + off work (lack of structure/schedule throws me big time) + therapist of 15 yrs on vacation (always tough, but was getting easier) + no meds = big time crash--excessive sleep, binge drinking, self-harm, suicidal ideations, etc.

I can't tell which of this mess of horrible feelings are situational regarding holidays, etc. and which are due to being unmedicated.  It's been 12 days since my last dose.  The dizziness and feelings of wanting to crawl out of my skin have pretty much subsided.  I'm still super weepy and hate life. 

I'm not sure I want to go back on them, but if I'm going to feel the way I do currently because of not taking them, then I need to really rethink things.




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Introductory Post / Re: Trying to get stable
« on: June 23, 2018, 03:17:58 AM »
Ugh...so sorry to hear about your struggles. I hope youíre able to protect yourself from your FOO. I know how triggering spending time with family can be. Take it easy and be extra kind to yourself.

Iím surprised by what you said about your T being unaware of C-PTSD. Is finding another T an option for you?

Be well. Be gentle with yourself.

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