Messages

Allie,
I can totally relate. Everyone thinks they're right. Everyone thinks they've got the truth. I think no one does. Some might have bits and pieces, but we can never know for sure what is or isn't the truth. There may be no such thing. The Bible is amazing, but it has also been used to justify abuse, to justify almost anything. For me it was used to isolate me, to put me in a state of intense fear and subjection. I don't think this is what was intended. I would hope for a sense of freedom, mercy, love. It seems to me that taking ANY spiritual path to the end, results in pulling away from people and love, when this is the opposite of what brings many of us tremendous meaning in our lives, connection with others. As a Buddhist I became turned off by detachment when after a year I noticed myself pulling away from family and friends.
I too have abandoned the search for truth, because otherwise I know I will fall into another cult. Twice was enough for me. I feel for you.

I would say, they can both be right, in their minds. But there is no "one" right, in my view. We are too limited to see the awesomeness of divine possibilities. There might be infinite "rights."

Arpy,
I get it. Exactly. I see myself in your story. I am trying to hang on to some sort of connection with the divine, or I know I will be at risk for suicide.
Trigger warning:::::::::::::::
I was raised in a high control religious group, by parents one side from alcoholic family, the other side religious oppression & abuse. One of my parents was a drug addict and dealer, the other an ACOA of the insensitive /bullying variety using religion as the weapon. Then I experienced sexual abuse in my first romantic relationship  (barely an adult.) In my mid 30's now I see my entire life as a cascade of control. Control by both religion and various abuser personalities. The only way I have been able to avoid being controlled by others is to control myself. I recently got out of eating disorder treatment. I am now in the process of extricating myself from a marriage to a controlling personality who I allowed to abuse me both spiritually and emotionally. Fortunately it was only 2 months until I realized I needed to get out. My faith is shattered, my finances are wrecked, my identity is more lost than ever, and I am losing hope that I will ever recover. Church is triggering, prayer is inaccessible, meditation seems like cheating, no one seems to understand. I have been resorting to some unhealthy behaviors, but I am managing to stay addiction free. I am talking to people but I feel that no one understands. It is a relief to find you. There is a reason we are enduring this. It is not for nothing. There has to be a purpose, even if we never find out what it is. My heart goes out to you.

Is there anyone else out there who, like me, feel like you are always being watched even when you're alone?
I felt like that as a child in my strict Christian family, God was always there to watch and judge even when my mother couldn't.
Always reading your mind.
Always knowing everything.
Always silently judging you.

I feel that my mother is always watching, and therefore judging me, based on her religious system, even though I am out of the high control group she raised me in. I know that God is always watching, but it doesn't bother me because he/it knows my heart, and is watching not just with judgment, but with equal mercy and love.