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Thanks for checking in on me, I think that really shows that you care, and it's awesome that even know you don't know my face, you still remember me. Thank you. I'm touched.

One of the non-affiliate rotations fell through, so I scheduled another one in New York, where I am living, but my landlord unfortunately found other people to live in my home next month, so I have to say goodbye to my peaceful home by the sea and move into another person's apartment as a sublet for a month. This person's place is very pretty and artistic, I really like the design, but I hate Brooklyn. I mean I love visiting it, it's so full of life and culture and art. But I hate crowded spaces, I am just full of stress and I get claustrophobic. I am a mountain woman! I love the crowds when I know it's temporary. So I'm trying to pretend like it's a vacation even though it absolutely is not. Urgh.

I unfortunately failed my latest board exam and must immediately work on retaking it in the hopes the new score will show up on my residency application as soon as possible. So far, I really don't look like a great candidate on paper, even though I know that if I got to the interview stage I would totally kill it. I never look that great on paper. I'm actually not that stressed out about failing, I'm not as devastated as I thought I would be. I think I've dealt with enough failure at this point, or maybe I'm too exhausted to care. Who knows. Either way, I just have to get back on the horse and do it again. Supposedly they like to see that you are determined, just as much as they like to see you be successful, and determined I most certainly am. Resilient, I'm not so sure about that. But determined, yes.

Lately I've been so stressed that I spend my days off mostly staring at the TV and then getting out to stare at the beach waves when the day gets cooler. I honestly hate the summer. I hate heat. I'm a temperate climate sort of person and enjoy the cool air of the mountains, the fresh pine smell. I ache when I see pictures of the Rocky mountains. Literally ache. When I found out I failed my boards my first thought was, * all of this, I'm packing up my stuff and going to the mountains. I will get odd jobs and be there. But then I thought, I have too much debt, I'm in too deep now. So optimistic, aren't I? Good god.

I'm honestly hoping my xanax will help me make it through the worst of times but I also try to process my feelings on my own as best I can. But some days, a little extra help to calm down makes a big difference, makes it less scary for next time. It's great when I care just a little bit less and everyone wonders why I'm so even keel and laid back. I really hope I don't need it someday, and that I can go back to being the happy and adventurous person I was just before medical school. It was a laid back time when I was just a daycare teacher enjoying life, with a small apartment, going on lots of camping, rafting, climbing trips. I realized I need to be near nature to be happy. Which makes living in New York a challenge. But I do my best.

Country road... take me home...

I'm putting this post here because I think it qualifies as an emotional flashback but I honestly am not sure. I HATE moving. It has become traumatizing for me. I know it's probably not pleasant for most people. Finding a new place to live, and then packing everything up, selling things, throwing lots of stuff away, the whole transition is a bit daunting no matter how big or small the move. I have to move all the time. ALL THE TIME. Ever since college began I have never stayed anywhere more than a year or two. For medical school living in an apartment on a tiny island far from home, I had to figure out how to cart things there that aren't available on the island and then figure out how to get rid of more than half of the stuff by the time I needed to go home. Other people could ship barrels of stuff home but it wasn't possible for someone living in the middle of the country like myself, and no one else I knew was living anywhere other than a coastal area where barrels could be shipped. If your bags were overweight there were locals hovering around waiting to take all of your stuff, because you couldn't just pay an overweight fee. I think this was a scam to ensure the locals had a few extra things from the rich students.

I remember the first time I had to pack all my stuff and move to college. I think this is where it all began, and possibly earlier when packing for vacations. I had to pack for college completely alone. I remember being on the verge of tears the whole time because no one was helping me carry my stuff to the car. Everyone else was watching TV. I knew that if I asked for someone to help me I would be guilt tripped or attacked, so I just kept taking stuff to the car but took a lot of breaks. So then it became late at night, I was feeling very lonely, and for a little while the power briefly went out, which made it worse. I feel that lonliness every single time I move.

And when I do have my parents helping out, they always complain the entire time about how I have too much stuff. When I would pack for the island for med school, my mom would also just comment about how I had way too much stuff. And it's true that I usually do have more stuff than my family on vacations. Because I'm the only one that brings enough! Family members are always asking me for extra toiletries, my sister would use my brush, my hair dryer, all of my toiletries without asking before we left for vacation and it was too late for her to pack her own stuff. I brought my computer so that we could watch movies on the plane and my family would just make fun of me for having too much stuff.

I was the scapegoat and my depending on my family to help with all of my stuff just gave them ample fodder to shame and guilt me. And it comes back to me every time I move. You would think I would be desensitized to it after all this moving. But I'm not. Every single time I get so down on myself for having so much stuff. I get envious of the guys that have like two suitcases and that's it. But I also understand that I'm a highly sensitive person who needs a few extra things to feel more comfortable. I am also passionate about my style and I have a ton of clothing because of it. I have a hard time with having a lot of clothing and accessories, I try to pare them down as often as I can, but my sister comments about how I have too many scarves, etc, and then I have that echoing in my head.

When I moved out for medical school rotations to New York, I had to pack all of my earthly belongings into one car and that was it. When I got to my grandma's house she also made comments about how I have so much stuff. And then I wasn't so proud of getting all of my stuff into one car anymore. But I've seen my roommates have just as much stuff, if not more, than me. And they aren't ashamed of it, even when family members complain. Or sometimes family members don't complain at all.

I'm sure if I really wanted to I could live out of two suitcases. But I also have the disadvantage of not wanting to keep some things from childhood at my parents house because I don't talk to them anymore, so I have some sentimental things I need to keep with me. My sister has the benefit of her husband in the air force and so whenever they move, there are strong young air force guys who can pack up all their stuff and move it no problem, no extra cost. My sister moved to Okinawa Japan without much effort. And sometimes when I'm ready to get rid of a bunch of stuff my family than says that I'm getting rid of too much and need to calm down!!! Which is it!

Sorry, I write really long posts, but this issue plagues me often and always. I wish I was excited to move, or at least didn't become horribly depressed and require bottles of wine and lots of TV to get the job accomplished. I wish I had friends that weren't busy with med school that could help me out. That wanted to help me out. I wish I had lots of money and could just have other people back everything for me in a neat and orderly, space saving fashion. I'm a lot better at helping other people back their stuff. But I struggle with all of this guilt and shame of having too many things. But when I unpack the things I'm so glad that I have them. The scarves, the knick knacks, the pictures, I want them all, and have to squeeze them all into my little car.

Someday I'll have a home, and I won't have to squeeze everything into a small space. Someday I will have money and can easily pay other people to professionally move my things. But for now whenever I pack all my things and have to take stock of all my earthly belongings I procrastinate until a day or two until I leave and am depressed and mourn the fact that I'm leaving yet another comfortable home and must create another safe space in a strange city or town. I'm tired of it! I'm tired of being so sad and full of guilt! I just want to be happy and relaxed and not constantly be pushing my comfort zone. I think pushing your comfort zone is great and have done so many times, like when I jumped from a plane, went rock climbing, went to a foreign country for medical school. But does it have to be every day? Especially when it doesn't seem to make me feel any better? Ugh.

So I just want to know... is this normal? Does anyone else think moving sucks? Does anyone else struggle with having lots of things? Or am I the only one that struggles with letting go of things? All my life I have had trouble letting go of things. Because I knew if I didn't keep it, no one would want it, and I would lose it forever. I used to cry every new year because I didn't want a New Year to happen. I mourn change because I am extremely sentimental. That and I think change for me usually meant something bad and stressful and I would have to face it alone. Even when I had a boyfriend I was living with, I had to pack alone even when he said he would help because he had to work on opposite schedules as me. So I've been dealing with this in a very lonely manner. And I hate it.

Thank you, I actually copied the pages at that part in the book and made them into a separate document I keep in my phone. I really should make more of an effort to read those every day so that maybe it stick in my subconscious. I know that I am constantly reminding myself of the parts that I have memorized. Soon I will have my electives finished and be officially graduated, I think maybe then I will be able to slow down a bit and focus more on myself. But at the moment I'm trying to finish up classes and work on the rather extensive application process for residency at the same time, as well as deal with my CPTSD, and it's ridiculous. I kinda think I'm not doing a good job of balancing everything and I keep beating myself up about it. Most students have already completed part of the application, the part where you ask for letters of recommendation, and I have not. And I'm worried that the procrastination and difficulty juggling everything will keep me from getting a match for a residency. But I'm trying very hard to do the best I can. Oy.

I appreciate the sharing, I think some of your mantras would be useful for me. I am kind of stuck in an endless to do list because I think that's unfortunately how being a doctor is set up. I think it will continue into my residency. Perfectionalism is a hallmark of most medical students, but I'm finding that backing down from that a little is helping my performance, and I don't think it will lead me to make any fatal errors, or not more so than the average doctor. I decided to settle on an elective rotation that wasn't ideal for what I want to apply for, but I kind of had to make a last minute decision to fill a gap of time. I'm not sure if my decisions will cost me my residency matching, I feel like everything I do determines whether or not I will become a doctor. And it all terrifies me. The decisions just seem way too big. Which is why I kind of like the "if the world blows up none of this will matter" mantra. My version is "if I was diagnosed with a terminal illness tomorrow, would this matter?" to help me live in the now. I am very tired of the constant too do lists, so much so that I am all used up in the self control department, and when I come home much of the daily chores are left to the way side, and then I feel like a gross slob. Ugh.

Thank you! You know I am just starting to use those little phrases here and there and find out which ones I feel are best. One thing I find really effective that I used on him was that when he was trying to shame me because I was using some of the one-liners on him, was that I completely ignored him. I didn't even give him the satisfaction. He was trying to nudge me and whatnot and be like, when you say it like that it sounds bad, why are you trying to spin it that way? I wasn't even giving him eye contact. I just let the awkward sizzle. It's my new favorite thing to do, because I used to try to make awkward silences go away quickly and used to feel bad and blame myself if any existed. Now I use it as a tool. When people yell at me or try to insult me, I stare at them and say nothing, and it's interesting to see how they interpret that. Sometimes they try it back but I'm pretty good at playing chicken with it. I can feel it quickly build and build until someone has to say something. I actually learned about it as a good tactic for my psych rotations in med school. Some patients are not well, obviously, and try to test you with some sort of insult or just stare at you with hatred instead of answering your question. Sometimes you just calmly stare at someone and things very quickly turn around. But I do need some solid one liners in my pocket. Thank you!

I am good at compartmentalizing relationships in my life. I've been pretty good at keeping work friends separate from friends I can party a little more with. I'm not one of those people that ends up getting drunk with the boss and lots of awkward things happen that I regret. But I cannot compartmentalize my life.

What I mean is, throughout med school I just feel like the life and school stresses just keep piling up and never cease. And when I fix one problem it's like five more come up in its place. I went NC with my family right in the middle of medical school because my parents were making my life a lot more difficult. But at the same time, I feel like I'm not very good at this whole being an adult on my own thing. I used to be very organized and good at budgeting and that has all pretty well gone out the window. And I think I've been subconsciously rebelling against it. I feel that I never really got to enjoy my childhood because I was constantly organizing and budgeting. That and I also had my mom to be constantly nagging at me and leaving notes all over the house about things I needed to do. I don't think I really even needed her nagging because I was trying to stay one step ahead of her in the hopes the nagging would go away. Well it never did. I was never organized ENOUGH. I was never perfect enough.

So how do I let things go for later? For example, I'm starting a new rotation on Monday and it's depressing the * out of me, I don't want to go back to rotations after I just took a huge exam, and I think it's catastrophizing. At the same time, I was harassed on my birthday two days ago, I wrote another post on that recently. I am still not getting the checks and credit cards I really need right now to be able to eat even though I have been talking to USPS for days and they are assuring me that my mail is no longer being forwarded to my old address. Also, I haven't heard anything about the rotations I applied to go to in August and September, which means even if I wanted to be organized and start looking into new places to live and if I should sell all my stuff or not, I can't, because I have no idea where I'm going, I keep bugging people and not getting answers.

I just feel completely like I have no control over my life and it's all piling up! What the * do I do!!!!! How do I survive this one day at a time! Gah!

Thank you for your post and your empathy. Yeah he raises all kinds of red flags. Which is so odd because when I first met him he seemed totally harmless, he's almost 10 years older than me, and he just seemed like kind of childish when he's had a couple drinks but otherwise fine. This just completely caught me off guard in the past couple weeks. I think it's kind of one thing when someone gives off a creepy vibe and then it's quite another when my quite acute intuition fails me. And then I feel that my trust is shattered. He hasn't tried to speak to me at all since my birthday, so I think they may have had a talk or maybe he, hopefully, feels bad and is waiting for the dust to settle. I mean his behavior was weirdly out of control, almost manic, so maybe he's bipolar? I have no idea. Or maybe just has really low self esteem and is desperate to have a younger woman be attracted to him. I have no idea. I can't get a read on him. But despite my best efforts of telling myself it was his fault and trying to work through it, I think a combination of this and many stresses recently happening in my life (suddenly completely broke, didn't realize my mail was being sent elsewhere by USPS including checks and credit cards, may have to move very soon, no idea where I'm going next for medical school, and many more things), I found myself very depressed yesterday and found it hard to do anything else other than distract myself with TV and cry a little too hard for the characters on the TV. And then I feel like I'm wasting my life away and then I get more depressed.

I posted a positive aspect of my birthday of the OOTF support forum, but anyway, my birthday was yesterday and it was... well I guess full of many emotions. And I cannot help but blame myself, thought I am trying not to feel too much shame and mostly converting it into a healthy anger as much as I can.

A friend wanted to take me out for my birthday. I recently went NC with my parents and have a very, very small support system. I thought it was wonderful that my friend wanted to take me out, unfortunately her bf she is living with, well that has become a very awkward and upsetting situation. I went to their house for a bbq once wearing a pretty dress with a slit up the leg. It goes to about mid thigh, it's not an incredibly sexy dress or anything, I mostly wore it to have a nice summery light dress to wear. Also, I am a raging feminist and believe that women are not "asking for it" by wearing sexy clothing. Well, her bf made a lot of comments about my legs that day and I was mostly brushing them off as jokes and later told him that his comments made me uncomfortable and he apologized. But his advances haven't stopped.

I constantly feel like I'm accidently leading him on, and getting really uncomfortable that my friend is going to get angry at me. He started talking to me on Facebook messenger and I was speaking to him very casually and not very much, just trying to keep it distance and polite. He wanted to talk about plans for my birthday, and seeing as absolutely everyone I invited bailed on my birthday last year and it was pretty depressing, I engaged in the conversation. At one point later in the conversation, he joked about us as a "threesome" going out to the movies together on my bday, and I make a joke about being the special guest of the threesome and how that would be cool. I was joking, he apparently was not, and then the next bbq they threw, when everyone else had left, he said they did want to have a threesome with me. Whoops. Awkward.

I like to think I'm a sexually open-minded person. I'm young, I'm liberal, and I'm all about gay marriage, sexual exploration, and generally having the freedom to explore yourself. But I know I am not at all sexually attracted to this couple. And I wonder just how much of it was my girlfriend's idea and how much of it was her bf. Not going to get in the middle of that! So I politely said I was flattered and said I would "think about it" but that in general friend of mine who have done so have regretted it. That was my polite way of saying no, I allowed a bit of awkwardness in the room, didn't want to stumble over myself to make them feel better, but I didn't want to embarass them or humilate them.

Well my bday came around and her bf basically turned into a horny little kid and it led to many embarassing and frustrating moments. He very clearly wanted some of the bday celebration to be just me and him, but I made it very clear I wanted his gf to come along, she was the one I really wanted to be there. The whole day he tried to put himself in the middle of us, tried to put his arms around both of us, made a lot of sexual jokes. As the day went on I made it more and more clear that I was uncomfortable. But at the same time I was hesitant to rage at him. He doesn't get to ruin my birthday! It's not his day! So I very quickly brushed off all of his advances, it got to the point where his gf was telling him to knock it off. At one point he kind aggressively asked me in the car on the way home what I have or have not done sexually, and when I refused to answer he told me I was either a freak in bed or a complete prude and then his gf yelled "STOP." to which the rest of the ride he pouted in the back of the car. His gf apparently felt bad and tried to comfort him, I just got angry. I hope I made it clear enough that I'm not ok with him hitting on me in front of his gf. He even, in very public places, tried to ask me about my sex life and then try to shame me for not being ok with his questions and comments. When I would comment about how good looking the male actors were in a movie I would see him turn angrily jealous. And it sucked.

I couldn't help but feel guilty, because I shot down most of his jokes and advances, but I didn't shoot down ALL of his jokes, I laughed about one or two and then I feel like it just erased all of the "no"s and put us right back to square one. But every single time he tried to touch me at all I made it clear it was not ok. He would just put his arm around me or play with my necklace and it really bothered me. I have had a few scary experiences where guys made it clear that I was somehow asking for sex just because I was talking to them at the bar. I have heard a lot of sexist comments from a previous roommate that made it clear that he pretty much thinks of every woman as a sexual object and not much more. And I write on this forum because I have been a victim of sexual assault by multiple boyfriends. To the point where, though I have a healthy sex drive, I could never have a sexual encounter ever again and be totally ok with it. I have no interest in relationships, I have one long distance bf and we're pretty much just friends, we haven't had sex in a very long time because his sexual behavior has gotten increasingly more scary, and I haven't yet gotten up the courage to break up with him.

I am not going to be hanging out with my friend's bf for a very long time. If he tries to chat with me I will ignore it. That was the final straw, no one gets to do that to me on my bday, but I feel like in my desperation and lonliness, I knew this could happen but went into the situation anyway. I have made it very clear that I am not comfortable with his advances and yet he just kept pursuing it and then would "check in" with me. Are you having a good birthday? Well even though you've been MEAN to me I hope you're having a good time. Mostly I would talk over him and change the subject when he would start to feel sorry for himself. If I didn't care about his gf's feelings I would have said some very nasty things to him, because I really am not at all attracted to him. At all. And even if he was attractive, I've developed a switch in my mind to very quickly turn myself off to guys, I think to protect myself. Until I find a very sensitive sweet caring guy that is very emotionally mature, I'm closed for business. And I'm sad because I would like to live in a world where I can openly talk about sex in general, not my own personal experiences, and not have it be taken as a flag that I'm hitting on a guy and then he should become a crazy hornball.

I am really tired of being a sexual object. Sometimes I want to be proud that I am a beautiful woman and not be ashamed of what I look like and what I wear. I want to be free to feel sexy and pretty and not be attacked. And then sometimes when I go out to the bars I cover myself in sweats and still get aggressively hit on. I stopped going to the bars, which makes me sad because I remember going out with gf's and dancing the night away happily. Not anymore. I know this sounds totally silly, but the movie I saw was the new Mad Max, and I almost cried several times because Max was surrounded by beautiful women that had been reduced to baby incubators in their society, and he never once tried to take advantage of them, never even tried to kiss Furiosa. I wanted a man like that, so badly, in my life, that I would never have to worry about. Some days, I'm sorry, I want all the men to go away. I really hope that changes someday, and that the good guys tell the aggressive guys to stop, and that women stop telling me that it's always my fault when I end up in an uncomfortable sexual situation with a guy. I get confused, am I doing something wrong or am I blaming the victim?

I'm tried of feeling trapped. I just want to be happy.

I also want to sleep all the time and feel like my emotions are beating me up. I learned with my first real therapy session about two and a half years ago that I am deeply out of touch with my emotions. So the therapist had me start listing out my emotions at the end of the day, and that it may take time because there are many layers of them. Try using different colors and shapes and kind of creatively exploring the emotions. Just dive into them. But of late, having to study for a HUGE exam, I have had to kind of set that stuff aside because I don't really have the time. But I should probably be doing it more because I'm super exhausted and emotionally beat up. I start exploring my emotions and then I just explode into tears for HOURS. Or spend the one day off a week I give myself just sleeping.

My emotions, now that I'm feeling them, are ridiculously strong! No idea what to do about it. So many therapists say sedating and calming medications keep you from properly processing those feelings, but maybe if I took a little edge off that would help? Most psychologists don't even really know what to do. PTSD in all forms is pretty darn difficult to fix. Anyway, I take Effexor, second to lowest dose in the US, and Xanax on the occasions where I cry for hours and don't stop, or I get horrible performance anxiety, and that I do the lowest dose and sometimes even cut that in half on the better days. I take one maybe once every other week, I could probably be safe to push that a bit more.

You can see it's extremely common. Is it normal? I don't even know what the * normal is. Sometimes I wonder if anyone really has a calm and happy life, completely free of trauma. What does a happy person look like? What is their typical day? Who knows. I would like to find a healthy happy person and interviewed them. I interviewed my therapist once, asking her what the healthy mother of a healthy teenage son does. I burst into tears when she told me she smiled at the messes he made and the sign on the door that said "keep out." My mom would torment me for those things. For days. I have no model for comparison. Maybe that's what we need? A healthy big brother/ big sister program?

Anyway, rambling, just saying I may be experiencing some of your pain and some days I feel I'm getting healthier but it's a cycle. There are good days and bad.

Oh my god I'm so glad you posted this! I totally just remembered that when I was like five and six years old I did this amazingly lengthy series of rituals because I was petrified that there were monsters in my closet and under my bed. I did this long string of goodnight phrases to my parents, I made sure to jump onto the bed from what I considered to be a safe distance, I would say things to the monsters before I fell asleep, I would make sure my closet door was closed tightly. When I had to have my door closed because I needed a humidifier I was terrified I would look at my reflection in the door mirror and see something behind me. I was afraid of the dark and silence at night. My parents would wake up if a pin dropped so we all had to be really quiet. If we got up to go to the bathroom or read a book because of insomnia, my mom would comment on it the next day in a stern manner. It was like being in a jail and I think I needed to do something to take back control. I was shocked when I would go to other friends houses and see their siblings out and about in the house in the middle of the night getting a snack or chatting online. What? You're allowed out of your room at night? I don't understand. Now that I live on my own I need constant noise. I HATE silence.

I am a TOTAL control freak now. I hate feeling like there are not problems I can immediately solve with a bit of research and hard work. I hate the things that are out of my hands. I hate when I have to wait for problems to be solved. It is actually really helping me to create some new rituals I hope are healthy ones. Reading a section of the Pete Walker book about common inner critic attacks and the thought-correction response. When you first read them you're like, I'm never going to believe these, but repeat them a bunch and they start to stick I think. I'll give you the part that seems to help me most... you are not in any life threatening danger. We hold a lot of fears within the construct of the culture in which we live, but in the end, you're alive, aren't you? No one is going to murder you. That and "I will work in a way that is 'good enough' and I accept the existential fact that my efforts sometimes bring desired results and sometimes they do not." You try your best and that's it. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Perfectionism and controlling, rituals, micromanaging, there is absolutely nothing that is going to make you perfectly safe. But you are safe. I don't like the phrase "do or do not, there is no try." That's from Star Wars I think? There is only try.

I have that book on kindle and have downloaded it to every electronic reading instrument I possess including my phone for emergencies. I have that section bookmarked and even made it a separate document with a bunch of screenshots so I could easily access that section whenever I needed it. I don't know the best ways to get over this either, just trying stuff out to see what happens. I need to meditate more for sure. I don't think I put enough faith in my unconscious mind making changes, I think I'm convinced everything has to be a long and difficult road because that's the way things have always been. Like when you sleep, your brain is organizing your thoughts for you! I just wish I could actually get a good night's sleep. And not have to always have the tv on in the background for fear the silence will eat me alive.

Every hear of the Sunday night blues? I never did until like a month ago. When we all get a little depressed when the weekend is over and the workweek is about to begin again. I have always had major insomnia on Sunday nights. Especially in medical school because I wonder who is going to lose their temper and how am I going to get critisized this week? Now that I'm studying for a board exam and not doing a cinical rotation currently, I thought that would go away. It did for like a week.

Last night was awful. I just felt this loneliness that felt like a knife diving down through my stomach and into my soul. This feeling that my entire life is a failure and I have no friends and I will never make it as a doctor. Just so, so lonely. And I remembered that I've felt lonely my whole life, no matter how many friends I have had. I have always felt out of place. And for as long as I can remember, I've had insomnia many nights, other than Sundays, with this same feeling. And I have so many vivid nightmares lately. Sooooo many. Always featuring a family member or the attending that harassed me shortly after I got away from the horrible family and caused my CPTSD to worsen.

All I want to do is sleep all day and distract myself all night from this horrible feeling, so I often watch TV for hours and hours late into the night. I wake up drained. Uuuuuuuuuuuugh. I feel like I'm climbing mount Everest and I'm just trying to finish medical school. I have tried EMDR and such, things to try to get me in touch with and process my feelings, but of late they just seem to become way too overwhelming to even process. Or something will happen in a show I watch that reminds me of a loving family I wish I had and then I just cry for HOURS.

I JUST WANT TO SLEEP. Melatonin used to work like a charm and now it does nothing. And even when I sleep for a long time I seem to not be getting much REM sleep. I'm just pooped. I have xanax but don't want to get addicted so I use it very, very rarely and I think it reduces some of your sleep cycles.

If I could get better sleep I know some of this would go away. But it's such a catch-22. GAH! No more nightmares! SLEEEEEEP!

I want to put you in my head and keep you there because I like your encouragement and positivity.

I like asides. I actually had three different advisers and I didn't like any of them. One was supposed to help me with a senior thesis. That never happened because he pretty much just pointed out how hard it would be to do one and shot down all my ideas. So I just gave up. I can win uphill battles, but not a whole thesis by myself. I need someone to offer guidance and I didn't even know where to begin. The adviser for my major... well... I think I got her fired. Or at least I was the final straw. Because a month later I called her for something and a different adviser than the one I had for four years left me a message. She didn't tell me until a month before graduation that I didn't have all my prerequisites covered. So I went over her head after meeting with her and her saying a lot of things like "well I wish I could help you but I can't." Please, don't pretend like you want to help me after you messed up. I know you're just trying to cover your *. After speaking with the head of the advisers I was able to graduate on time. But she assured me that I could still walk in the summer for graduation even if I wanted to take the last class and complete my minor at the same time. So I did that.

My dad flipped out and almost didn't invite any relatives to see me walk for graduation, that was extremely stressful and a panicky time for me. But my mom later called and said she convinced him to change his mind. I highly doubt she did, I bet my dad felt bad and took it back, but who knows.

It sucks when the people who are supposed to help us just don't. None of my medical school advisers have really given me any useful advise. They seem to be improving the program, but at the speed of molasses. So I rely on other panicky med school students and get a showering of contradicting and somewhat doom-and-gloom advise. "If you don't do ___ RIGHT NOW you'll never get a residency." I cannot handle that much "advise" coming at me at once so I try to stay away from herds of med school students, as they will inevitably start talking about applications for residency.

We are ambitious! I guess I should explain my choice of "stubborn." I've kind of reclaimed that word for myself. All my life, all my family members, boyfriends, friends, whenever I didn't do something they liked I was "stubborn." Not standing up for myself or being assertive. Just stubborn. Well I never really felt that bothered by the term. I was kind of proud of it. That I put my foot down despite all the "logical" arguments people kept throwing at me. My family is good at giving really hyper-logical arguments for things, in which emotions and personality are kind of taken as weaknesses thrown out of the equation. But I would put my foot down anyway. It would lead to cold shoulders for days, from my family mostly. Standing up for oneself was never ok. So I guess I always feel like standing up for myself will always lead to negative consequences, although in the real world it rarely does. Still convincing myself I guess.

But if not for my "stubborn" behavior I would never have gone to medical school. At the same time, my family would often try to convince me I was kind of weak and wasn't good at standing up for myself. My mom would be shocked if I argued a parking ticket or something like that. I was thought to be shy and timid. My stubbornness would prove them wrong. It's my primary means of survival. That voice that screams at me to change therapists if I don't feel comfortable with one but convince myself that the therapist knows better than I do. The voice that tells me that my parents are bullying me and that they don't know better.

Anyway, that was really long, sorry. But I printed this conversation (don't worry, I live alone and am very picky about people using my computer). I wanted the inspirational words, I wanted to keep them as a reminder during this stressful time. We are strong and ambitious, a force to be reckoned with. We'll make it. 

You know, it's like you found the perfect words to help me through this time. Thanks for the reminder. On the rare occasions I'm not high strung and full of panic and anxiety, I take a moment to look back at some points in my young adult life. I did not have a perfectly smooth journey to be accepted to medical school. But you know, it didn't matter one bit.

My very unhelpful pre-med counselor told absolutely everyone to wait a year before applying to medical schools, or she would take out the dreaded chard of GPA vs. MCAT score and your odds statistically of getting into my state's medical school. It's a good school, so the odds no matter what aren't great. But she would use that to scare the heck out of everyone. Literally the day before my friends would say oh, I have a meeting with our advisor. And then the next day they would say, I don't think I want to apply to medical school anymore. I, being very stubborn, actually made her very angry during my interview with her before applying to medical schools because I told her I was not going to wait another year. She almost shouted at me, "So what happens if you the only people that accept you is a caribbean school?!" I replied, "Well, I guess I'll go there then." That is exactly what happened. And that is exactly what I did. Me and many, many others. People with GPA's and MCAT scores far, far higher than mine. We all had reasons to go to this "inferior" school. It hasn't been smooth sailing. But the thing is, I probably would not have made such big changes in my life, or figured out why the * I'm so depressed and anxious all the time, if I had not gone and done this monumental challenge of trying to go through medical school in a developing country on a small island far, far away. I learned so much about myself, and realized that wow, I'm a lot more brave than I thought. Of course I was falling apart when my parents were "helping" me get settled. As soon as they left, I quickly got used to things and relaxed. That was my first warning sign that hm, something is up with my parents. They were acting like tantrum throwing teenagers the whole time they were with me. I had to be the adult when I felt like I had very little ability to hold myself together.

Things have very rarely, if ever, gone as planned for me. And I usually freak out at that point because my mom reacts that way. When her life is not perfect, her borderline PD traits kick in and she throws a tantrum. But I have been developing this great ability to adapt and have found that I'm great at it. So I guess, maybe, if I don't get a residency, the world won't end. Or maybe, I'll get one despite my not having a perfect resume. Who the * knows. I think I will try to live more in the present.

Thanks again!

Every single time I schedule my medical school electives, or do anything in med school for that matter, my inner critic goes HAYWIRE. I wish I could just enjoy myself! Clerkships are supposed to be a fun time where we go explore the different aspects of medicine to see what we like most. If you do a sub-I, that means you're serious about going somewhere to be a resident, so you basically pretend to be an intern and get a little extra work and be more serious. However, of course, we make it way more complicated. I've been told lots and lots of advise. Go to conferences in the field you want to be in, do the electives of that field early on so you can put them on your application, do research, etc. etc. Things are a lot more complicated than in the old days of medicine. And my life has made them even more complicated, having little family support and almost no money at all.

I wish I could just have fun. I'm thinking of cancelling an elective because it's in a different state. But it's in neurology, one of the fields I'm most interested in, and I'm having trouble finding that elective in the state I'm currently in. I really don't want to move to another state in a month. I'm a highly sensitive person and moving actually causes me ALL KINDS OF TRIGGERS. All kinds. My parents both accused me of having way too much stuff, they never helped me pack, they used to help me move but I stopped that all together because all they did was * the whole time about how all my stuff is heavy and why do I live so far up in the building. I get freaked out. I hate figuring out what stuff to keep or not, I feel weighed down with all the decisions I have to make, all the packing, all the organizing. I collect stuff while living places because I'm good at designing a comfortable little nest for myself that is stylish and comfortable. A place to be safe at the end of the day. But packing tears down that safe place and then I fall to pieces.

The way things are scheduled now I would have to move to a different state three months in a row. No thank you! I will die. But if I don't find a neurology elective before September it doesn't show up on my transcript and then my chances go down. But how much further down? Who the heck knows. Do I want to go into neurology so badly that I should rearrange my whole schedule for the coming months? Will it affect my chances of getting into a psych residency? Do I want to do pediatrics instead? Too much!

And I totally catastrophize and over-futurize. Every decision I make I see just making a permanent mark against me in getting a residency. I didn't make it to the psych conference because I had just finished a huge test and was too stressed to make the journey to Toronto. But then when I saw other students going to the conference I felt a pang of panic. That's it! I didn't go, I'll never get a psych residency! I want to cancel this elective and then just get whatever I can get for July. That's it! I'll never get a neuro residency because I'm trying to make my life less stressful! Why aren't you better at moving! Shame shame shame!

Talking to other med school students just makes it worse, we all freak out all the time about stuff like this because it all just gets more and more competitive and every little move you make means the difference between life and death, meaning residency or no residency. I just want to have fun and still get a residency. I don't want all these little decisions to freak me out. I just want to live!

How sweet of you to check in! Actually yeah my test was the previous day. It was... really quite a slow and agonizing day. I really felt in the morning that I could kind of barely keep my wits about me. But I kind of repeated to myself, this isn't life or death. This isn't an emergency. It's a test. I ate a little bit. When I got to the test center the xanax started to kick in but it only helped a little bit. Actually what helped more is that I took a look around and saw that other people were visibly nervous. Especially the girl next to me. And that was a HUGE comfort. Med students, I don't know what it is, but every other time I've taken a test everyone around me seems just really mellow, and I'll be like oh many I'm so nervous! And the response I get is, oh, really? That's the favorite response that bugs the * out of me whenever I'm open about my concerns. Oh, really? That usually means to me, oh I have no idea why you would feel that way.

But the girl next to be was burping, shuffling around, twitching, sighing, and when I was like, man I can't wait till this is done, and she was like, yeah geez! I felt better. Finally another student that is open about nerves! And actually the whole group was really quiet the whole time, we were all really nervous and taking some sort of either sleep aid or anxiety medication. That wasn't typical. Usually no one talks about being nervous and just acts weirded out that other people are. It's almost cocky. Actually the guy next to me kind of tried that a little. He said to me, "do you feel like you're getting enough time for the rooms?" I think he asked this because I was usually the last one out of the room. I replied "no, I wish I had more time." And he did the "oh really?" With a surprised look on his face. Nope, you're not doing that to me. So I replied "well I would be more nervous if I left the room early because then there would be a big chance I missed a lot of stuff to ask, so I take my time."

Shut down! He left me alone after that. He mumbled something about how he agreed or something and then stopped.

Near the end we all just kind of went into "don't care" mode, including the trained standard patients I think, and the nerves just kind of melted away into exhaustion. I think I did about the same as others and I'm feeling optimistic, hopefully I did ok, sadly I don't find out for like another month. But I said to myself that if I made it the whole day without pooping in my pants I was victorious. So... I was victorious.

The next couple of days I felt like I got hit by a bus but I'm feeling better now. I am not nearly as anxious about computer exams. If I can take an exam in my pajamas I'm ok. It's this performance stuff that kills me, luckily there aren't too many times that happens. I think the next time I would have to do that is to become board certified as a resident. So when I'm a doctor. I hope by that point I will develop some way of handling my feelings better. They just become incredibly overwhelming, this feeling of doom and failure. And maybe between my therapist and I we can sort out a few more coping techniques.