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Messages - helliepig

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1
Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / what now?
« on: December 26, 2017, 02:03:51 PM »
Just wanting to say how hard it all feels today and how tired I am of it all.

I just don't really see any point in anything right now. Everything feels tired and somehow silly right now, like all the Christmas fuss. I mean Christmas itself wasn't as hard as I thought, I had a nice day with my son. But it felt pretty much like any other day somehow. I cooked a christmas dinner and found myself thinking how samey it seemed, same thing every year and what for?

Usually I'm filled with inadequacy. loneliness and envy of other's family Christmases but now they all seem silly and too much like hard work, I feel like so much of life is like that, a silly game, and so little that is real. I watch everyone acting in it like things really matter and somehow I feel removed as if none of it matters because I'm too busy dealing with mucky existential stuff. I'm aching for something real, so I can feel alive, feel anything other unease and fizzy dissociative feelings. I want to feel involved and believe in the people around me instead of feeling removed, distrustful and as if no one is really worth anything or safe enough somehow.

Except now I feel like I no longer care. I have nothing left. It's the same silly stuff over and over. I have this sense that the deadness inside of me is and will be there where ever I am, and that all the chasing for safety and belonging I've been doing externally is all for nothing. It's deeply in me so I can't run ahead of it anymore.

Maybe that's a step forward, locating the pain in me rather than the solution outside. But i'm overwhelmed and lost direction with the battle against it. It seems so big.

Now I sit here. My son's gone to his dads. I just don't want anything for me other than time to pass. For what?

 I could force myself out to walk the dogs or watch some tv but I'm tired of the feeling I get when I think of something as simple as walking my dogs - anxiety, confusion in the computation about where to go, how to avoid people, whether this inner child part of me can bear it.
Likewise, trying to decide what to watch on tv according to this unhappy part of me that finds everything too much. Part of me just doesn't want anything and doesn't want to be me, with me, here, now or anywhere.

And what's the point? For me there's something deeply scary at the moment about how pointless it is, about time passing and the sheer ordinary disappointingness of life.

I know I don't always feel like this I guess I'm just really in touch with a part of me that must have come to all these conclusions a long time ago.
I guess I need to give it time to feel like this and my job is just to bear it.





2
Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: Challenges while moderating
« on: December 26, 2017, 01:40:14 PM »
I felt sad reading this Blueberry. Whenever you comment you are so kind and insightful and I'm sorry we forget moderators are struggling too and need something back from us.
I can't imagine doing the job you're doing, it must be so hard ploughing through all the posts and probably getting pretty triggered but no time to reflect or leave for a break and a reset
I hope you have a good break and find more time for yourself. :hug:

3
Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: Christmas triggering
« on: December 22, 2017, 02:26:01 PM »
right back at ya :hug:

4
General Discussion / Re: celebrating the light
« on: December 22, 2017, 02:25:10 PM »
thanks guys xx

5
Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Christmas triggering
« on: December 22, 2017, 09:38:58 AM »
Who else is struggling with the season and Christmas around the corner?
It's got me big time this year but I suddenly realised it pretty much causes a melt down every year in fact most of my worst time seem to happen late November onwards.
How about a circle of Christmas hugs for everyone struggling right now more than normal?
:hug: :hug: :hug:

6
General Discussion / Re: progress
« on: December 20, 2017, 09:57:52 PM »
You are fab James :hug:

7
General Discussion / celebrating the light
« on: December 20, 2017, 09:56:44 PM »
I've had a hard week dealing with huge EF and really scared of the triggering effect of Christmas on top, then a difficult situation involving my teenage son tonight.
But I made a decision to ring someone and tell her how bad it truly has been, (really unheard of for me). When badly triggered I hide and stop and usually want it to end at any cost.
But this lovely person (who I met at a therapy group) listened and helped and guided and healed and for the first time the really really disgusting stuff inside of me was not just my burden alone. I was nearly out of my mind before I rang her with incomprehensible panic and somatic symptoms that were strangling me and now I feel almost normal. Then as if by magic another lovely friend rang me and suddenly I am ok. Not great, but ok
Huge for me, huge.
Taken me a long time to be able to feel the love and to find good people. Here's to the next chapter. xxx

8
General Discussion / Re: Once more round the mulberry bush.
« on: December 11, 2017, 02:29:20 PM »
Thank you.:hug:

 I've read Pete's stuff before and know he knows what he's talking about but finding it a touch too theoretical at the moment and kind of needing resonance with where I'm at rather than a construct to understand it. It isn't easy to find that. Little phrases people right sometimes are all it takes to make you realise other human being know what this is like.

Growing up with this "stuff" that I thought was my innate badness, I thought it was me, just me, mine, my me-ness.  I know it's common and lots of other people must struggle  with this but not people I seem to know. I always feel so isolated and uncared about and no one notices, not even those I've tried to tell. I hate them at the moment for that.

I'd just like to experience what its like to not feel like this, to feel safe within life and for life around me to not feel disappointing, distant, not mine and like it does at the moment - not something I even want.

9
General Discussion / Once more round the mulberry bush.
« on: December 10, 2017, 09:35:42 PM »
This week has been really hard.  Basically I've been trying to get out more and face my fears of all the things related to it and had been doing ok. Last Saturday night I went out with a group of people and for one reason or another got really triggered. Now this isn't unusual when socialising, and usually it retreats back under the dissociative walls once I return home. But with all the work I've been doing I guess I've eroded those walls and there has been no hiding place for it to retreat to.
I'm not even sure I can put it into words really, the experience I've had. I know it's reliving something very very early.
It is a mixture of terror about being alive and conscious, and hopelessness at finding anything or anyone safe. I feel paper -thin and beyond hope. There seems nothing but pain and weird dissociative experiences around me, in the past, present and future, and absolutely no rescue. It is existentially frightening.

I feel so sorry for the little infant me who experienced this and quite literally had no rescue. There feels to be no point in trying to be with anyone because it is meaningless and I don't belong anywhere, not even to myself.

I have to hope that somehow this stuff will clear and the way out of this crazy stuff will materialise because right now I am empty and scared and going through motions that aren't worth going through.
I've read enough about Mastersons description of abandonment depression to recognise what it is . He says you have to work through it. Funny how nobody thinks to tell you how.

All I know is I'm sick to death of being so broken. I have to go this route even though right now to hope it will heal something fundamental that I am always missing, always scared of, always lost about. Except it doesn't feel like I'm on a route at all. More like a way to the end of the world.

10
General Discussion / Re: dealing with conflict
« on: November 21, 2017, 04:31:20 PM »
thank you guys  :hug:
Just being heard is so validating.
Feel like I've lost the plot this afternoon as I let all the feelings come up. So glad I was able to share it here xx


11
General Discussion / dealing with conflict
« on: November 21, 2017, 01:29:30 PM »
I wanted to write about the difficulties I have with conflict because I've just had a silly little run in with someone that is typical of how I react.
it's like someone says something and instead of being able to hang onto my sense of proportion I just end up reacting defensively, triggered into a bit of a mess and then I have feelings of rage or hopelessness or shame that last for ages and make me play it over and over in my head.

Just by way of example, (a bit silly and really no big deal, except for how I feel - and because it's silly you can't really talk to anyone to make you feel better about it cos they think you're making a big deal out of nothing..)   this morning I'm walking my dogs in the country and one of them starts to do his business. A lady I know  was riding her horse down the lane and before the poor dog had even finished she started with "let's see if Helen is going to use a bag to pick this up" . No,  "hello, how are you? ". It was almost as if she couldn't wait to get in there with her snarky comment...

Now the silly thing on hindsight now I can think I realise I wouldn't have just left the mess there and was feeling a bit embarrassed at my dog doing it in front of her so was on the back foot a bit. I was also taken aback.  (Not that it was even any of her business.  Who goes around saying that to people anyway, it's just silly? )  But immediately I felt guilty. Even more than that something weird happens, which is hard to describe. I completely lost sight of the fact that i was going to clear it up and just totally reacted like I was guilty as charged, as if  i'd been caught red handed. I've noticed this before. In my family for example my sister would say something like "you're this and you're doing x for y reason" and would refute anything i'd say. It would be all her projection and blame and bear no resemblance to my motives or thinking but I'd believe her - i wouldn't be able to hear what my real motives and thoughts are. It's like i allow myself to become the bad person I'm being made out to be. It's like I've learnt to feel ashamed and disregard my own feelings and motives as irrelevant and bad so totally. That makes it damn hard in any conflict situation!!!
 
Anyway today I didn't feel able to just carry on as usual with her watching or just ignore her. It felt like I'd be "doing as I was told"  like a naughty child but actually it wasn't that logical. I just stood there doing nothing and started to argue with her about how dog poo was no different to fox poo out in the country which obviously a) invited her to criticise and b) me to feel stupid and shameful and wrong like now she thinks I don't care about leaving poo littering the countryside !!!!!

So why do you end up arguing something you don't even believe or pulled into an argument that doesn't need to happen? It's insane. Why can't I just let people and their snarky comments wash over me?

So to end it I sort of lost it  a bit and somewhat childishly said "how do you know I wasn't going to pick it up anyway" and stood there fuming while she rode off. So now I feel even more stupid and like I overreacted and was just totally weird.

Ok, like I say, no big deal.
Except why is it so complicated? It's occupied this great big space in my head since and made me crumble emotionally, I'm sitting here trying to understand "who" feels "what" internally, but basically I just feel angry and sorry for myself and have an intense urge to just give up. I felt awful afterwards like I had nowhere to go with the feelings inside. Sometimes if people yell at me or if I have a run in with someone it makes me panic like I can't bear it, the feelings are just literally unbearable. It's gotta be a traumatic memory being triggered right? Overwhelming shame mostly, rage, white rage, tightness in my chest, tight confusion in my head and self hatred all rolled into one. I literally curl into a tight ball of no escape. It's horrid.

Does this sound familiar to others?  I hate that silly things are such a big blooming deal to me.









12
General Discussion / Re: CPTSD stage 4517/B
« on: November 19, 2017, 09:33:54 PM »
cool, you sound very clear about what you need and if your heart and soul are telling you to do this then you should
:hug: x

13
Thank you James. For that sheer effort of compassion and wisdom.

See, in a movie, someone would take the time and trouble to sit down and write that! (lol)

All heard and understand. I do get all that, I really do. It's just hard. It's like you said in one of your own posts, its hard to figure your own damaged brain out using your own damaged brain.
It's hard to work out what is pain and abnormal when it's all you've known. It's hard to understand love and security when you've not known it as a little one

That's the frustrating thing, all the reprogramming of positive experiences I try and achieve just gets blown away by the bombs of the past.

I probably will go and see my therapist at some point in the not too distant future. But this stuff I'm trying to deal with is odd and I'm not sure I can take it all there - can't somehow get it there!, They  are fleeting moments of almost experiences or atmospheres- not memories, not body sensations, not emotions.  Nonsensical, incomprehensible but very powerful and create a huge visceral reaction. I can't take them to therapy because they aren't something I can hold onto, visualise, remember. They are there, and then they aren't. A twisted mass of just...stuff.

I suspect they are dissociated fragments. I've had similar before when I was in pain but I could not tell you where the pain was or even IF it was. A painful ethereal non pain. So weird

So I'm tackling them myself using techniques I've done a 100 time with my therapist, cautiously, a bit scared but so determined.
Realising largely that the terror within them is the terror of the child and not that something awful will happen if I face it.
 
So yesterday I it all made me cry a lot. Started over something silly I'd  done then waves of crying Some of it nameless, most of it heart breaking. And because I'm tired and afraid and it's all  just so hard to make sense of any of  it.,,,Just the sheer complicated nonsensical craziness of all the spits in my head and the 100s of crazy dissociated fragments and all the sodding fears and difficulties in my present life that seem insurmountable because of the poison still held in all the child parts. I still fear there is no one for me and no one who isn't weird and crazy out there and no one who would love me in a good way and everyone seems disappointing, as does life. It's hard not to let it overwhelm me. Thank god for getting out into nature and my animals as they ground me,

So I hear you J, I'm taking care of myself, exercising when I can make myself and trying to rest. Telling myself it's the past and that one day it will be better.
Thank you x

14
General Discussion / Re: Safety first
« on: November 19, 2017, 09:41:13 AM »
I think removing yourself to heal is brave and sensible.
One day when you're ready you can examine the running away bit and maybe you'll be clearer and stronger and able to stay in the vicinity of your trauma without avoidance.
When the cPTSD is more healed the situation wouldn't be as painful, wouldn't hook you the same, wouldn't trigger you the same and you can sit outside it like someone else might be able to do.
Or maybe you'll look back and realise it was crazy and you did right to get away.

Avoidance to me is about avoiding your feelings. Getting away from nasty hurtful and crazy people isn't avoidance it's a healthy choice as long as you don't leave your feelings behind too.

15
General Discussion / Re: CPTSD stage 4517/B
« on: November 19, 2017, 09:35:16 AM »
sorry to hear that James. It's hard trying to deal with your own stuff when you are in a bad environment.

It sounds like it would make anyone stressed, not just because of the PTSD!  Also, like many families. groups find the most sensitive person to be the scapegoat instead of examining the root causes, looks like that condescension is providing that outlet for them.

I know I have no idea what it's like there for you so these are just general suggestions, that may be wide of the mark for you.
Can you make any changes to your boundaries or something that refuses this role and the impossible demands, and pushes stuff back where it belongs? Like sending the stress back to the idiots that created it?  Horrible though it might be, is there any opportunity to use it to try something new? Sometimes I think it's uncanny how we end up replicating our traumatic family life in groups we're in  - either through initial choice of something familiar, or later, our own behaviours and we become almost paralysed, walking the old familiar steps we learnt to do in a family. So staying with it sometimes can be very useful to learn to be different - even while it's hard and frustrating.  I think we often try complaining or trying to point out what's wrong, and mostly other people don't listen. I've done tons of that and then it occurred to me that I was going to stop complaining and just take charge of how I behaved and I stopped doing something at work that I'd felt compelled to do. Quietly, no explanations, no show boating.

At first it felt very provocative and anxiety provoking and then I realised I was simply learning to hold a boundary and  that generally I would never get support or permission to do this - I had to learn to do it myself, with my own permission, for myself, because setting a boundary often makes things harder for others. Of course they weren't going to run around and make it easier for me until I put my own foot down and said no - and then they had to listen.  I've since seen how important that is generally, making my own choices and statements amidst disapproval  but that that gets far more attention and changes more things around me than all the moaning and complaining I used to do  (which was my lazy option as it was less scary than setting that boundary). More respect too - from me and them.

 I find when something in the way I am changes then the situation at work starts looking, or even becoming, something a bit different. Even if we're not able to obviously influence things it's weird how often we can do just that , just by changing our steps in the game. We do have more power simply because we're part of the dynamic and much more than we think which is sometimes lost to us when we've grown up in a crazy situation we had no power over.

Am I reading you right that you're thinking of leaving and going on benefits? Just thinking that work - even bad work  -does give you things that welfare doesn't  - routine, company, a purpose, other stuff to think about, ( at least) and that maybe those things are worth preserving?  And that being on benefits might bring up a whole raft of things you aren't feeling or worrying about now?

Just random thoughts.x

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