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Messages - SAL27

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TW about irrational fears

The main effect of the CPTSD for me has been living with irrational fears that haunted my life for the last twenty years. Every day I have a feeling something terrible is going to happen, something utterly catastrophic. When there are any changes in my external environment (like the current heatwave in the UK) I canít stop believing that everyone is going to die. This is a heavy burden for me, but perhaps it sounds crazy and delusional to everyone else (I hope it does).

My partner is incredibly loving and supportive, but heís had enough. He is sick of my fears, and he finds it very hard to comfort me about certain things, which he sees as totally irrational, and kind of crazy. It makes him angry and frustrated when I ask for reassurance. Iím beginning to worry that my CPTSD/ constant terror will ruin our relationship. I remember when I was around eight years old and the catastrophising and panic attacks started, my parents had the same reaction. Anger. It makes me feel even more isolated, and like really no-one understands how I feel. Like Iím so different from other people.

We were up till 4am last night as he told me again and again the worldís not going to end because itís a hot summer. This morning I am left feeling very ashamed and bleak. I donít know what to do. I really try everything to conquer my fear, but itís rooted too deeply. The worst thing is that I donít know exactly where this terror comes from, but itís defiantly from something. I donít think I was born like this.

Some kind words would be so appreciated today xxxxx

Medication / Beta blockers and health concerns
« on: June 27, 2018, 11:16:51 AM »
Hello everyone,

I'd love some advice...

Basically I have terrible anxiety which means that often in public or social situations my hands are shaking uncontrollably, my heart is pounding, and my vision goes black. Doing anything outside my home is so exhausting and takes it out of me! In a practical sense, this meant that I couldnít get a job that involved being around other people. But then I discovered propranolol/ beta blockers.

And they stop me from shaking, which is so wonderful! I can't tell you how many times my main fear entering a social situation is that I'll shake. Now I can know for a fact that I won't, because I physically can't, and it makes it soooo much easier. Iíve tried anti-depressants in the past and I hated them. I've tried so many supplements, homeopathy etc with no results, so the beta blockers are a perfect solution. They donít help the internal anxiet,y but at least I can actually do more things.

Therefore, recently I got a part time job in a pub as I need a bit more income, and I can do a shift without having a panic attack. But it does mean now that I have to take beta blockers three times a week, or more if I have other things going on. Iím concerned about the long term health implications of using something which impacts your heart rate and blood pressure.

What didnít help was that the doctors Iíve seen about it have been useless: one doctor told me that they would give me seizures and would probably kill me (-thanks, really good grasp on how to handle patients with crippling life-long anxiety-) , another told me I can take literally ten times the dose every day and Iíll be absolutely fine. Another one told me they are not ideal as long term could give me low blood pressure.

So Iíd love the opinion of anyone who has been on them long term. How often do other people here take them? Being an anxious person obviously means that if Iím taking something I think is bad for me then Iím going to fixate on whether my blood pressure is too low etc (even though I know Iím young and healthy, and have never had any issues). Although they have genuinely been a blessing, maybe I shouldn't get too used to them if I'm going to make myself ill...

Much love


Sexual Abuse / Re: Mixed messages- why are professionals so split?
« on: December 18, 2017, 05:29:30 PM »
Thank you so much for so many reaffirming and supportive comments. It feels good to be heard by wise and empathetic people!

Today I was dismayed to receive a copy of the referral letter from said psychiatrist to my therapist and a GP at my local clinic (to the WRONG GP if you can believe!), in which he reiterates his offensive view points.

He restated that ďI would question the validity of her recovered memories as reflecting possible child sexual abuse. Such memories, which arise in the context of therapy, are often found to be false.Ē This is simply not true..

And for a patronising and downright dangerous sign-off, he suggested, ďI have encouraged her to talk to her therapist regarding the issues of recovered memory within the therapy context and to have a more sceptical and open view about their validity.Ē So he wants me to continue to blame myself for my problems, and refuse to open my eyes to real-life nightmares that have been buried for 23 years, affecting every single facet of my life?

Iím rather shocked, and along side this Iím currently receiving hypnotherapy which is unfortunately proving that, indeed, there are repressed memories of CSA. Yet I still canít help but feel humiliated by his words, very misunderstood, and as usual unsure about anything.

Thank you for everyoneís support and sharing their own experiences. It means a lot x

Sexual Abuse / Mixed messages- why are professionals so split?
« on: December 08, 2017, 01:25:10 PM »

Having been in therapy for ten years, on my seventh therapist, she has deduced from various signals that I was molested as a young child (3-4 years old), by my best friend of the same age, and her father.

I have clear memories of my friend molesting me, but donít exactly feel traumatised by them. I do feel that there is a Ďdoorí Iím unable to to open, and as if I was witness to a terrible event like a murder. We are currently using hypnotherapy to explore the past, and Iím hoping I can get concrete enough memories to go to the police.

Iím sure many other people can relate, but I have an incessant push and pull between belief and denial. Half the time I think Iíve made it all up and it canít be true; that I'm being attention-seeking and dramatic. My therapist (and also my very rational boyfriend who has listened to all the evidence) both tell me it sounds very likely to be true. But I just canít believe it, and generally canít connect with it as an absolute truth. I have other moments where I feel like I've always known it.

But this is the problem- yesterday I went to see a psychiatrist to discuss medication options, and of course I had to bring up this relevant stuff in a C-PTSD context. At the end he told me he thought that the repressed/recovered memories from therapy were íprobably made upí, and that the abuse never happened. This was from talking to me for one hour, where I barely went into details about what the Ďevidenceí was.

When, inevitably, survivors are fraught with denial and self-blame, I was very surprised he was so quick to accuse me of making it up (unconsciously). This is in stark contrast to my therapist who I have been seeing twice a week for the last year, who seems very certain it is true.

I donít know if the world of psychiatric treatment is extremely flawed, but these mixed messages are very damaging. Now I have no idea who to trust, and feel closed off to any internal exploration, as I feel embarrassed if there is even a possibility I've just been very suggestible, and made it all up.

What do people think about these kinds of professional divides? Has anyone had experience with being shut down like that?

Medication / A lengthy search for anxiety relief- seeking advice
« on: August 22, 2017, 12:44:21 PM »
Hello! Iím wondering if anyone has advice about anxiety medication or treatment. I have tried many different methods, and I am still looking.

It started when I was eight years old and has been an intensively difficult and enduring part of my life since then, for the past eighteen years. I'm 26 now, but I feel like I'm 80. I have seen six different therapists over the years; psychologists, analysts, CBT therapists, trauma specialists etc. I got the C-PTSD diagnosis last year and recently OCD. I tried anti-depressants (Citalopram) for a couple of years and the side affects were horrible (feeling dead inside, constantly exhausted and ruining my sex life!). Iíve tried homeopathy for a year and it has barely made any difference; my homeopath tells me that in 20 years of treating anxiety she has never met someone so difficult to treat. Iíve tried all kinds of daily supplements; omega 3, probiotics, vitamin b complex, l-theanine and lemon balm, protein powder. I live off Emergency Essence. Iíve tried eating all the anti-anxiety food, avoiding the bad ones. Iíve tried acupuncture; yoga; jogging; mindfulness; breathing. Iíve mostly been trying to do it naturally, but none of this works for me. Sadly, the only thing that helps me is alcohol, and this has inevitably lead to an unhealthy dependance.

The other day I had a nerve-wracking event to attend (an award ceremony). Because of my anxiety this meant a fun occasion was fraught with misery for me- before, during and after. After acupuncture the day before, a run that day, a high protein lunch, various homeopathic remedies, it wasnít until six alcoholic drinks later that my heart stopped pounding and my hands stopped shaking. Upon reflection, I canít go on using alcohol to control my fear, and the natural options simply arenít working for me. My anxiety is profound, and I need something potent to take away the pain.

Can anybody recommend me some medication that might help me live without being plagued with terror, but without taking away other pleasures in life?

Thank you for reading xx

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