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Messages - AphoticAtramentous

#1
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: It is real!
December 01, 2017, 09:54:34 AM
Welcome to the forum, mate. I'm glad you've found out about CPTSD and find it's very similar to how you're feeling. Can be such a huge relief to finally find something that fits you.
#2
Recovery Journals / Re: Atramentous to Vibrant
December 01, 2017, 01:00:26 AM
Thank you Blueberry, means a lot.
#3
I wanted to study psychology, become a therapist to help people because that's what I genuinely loved doing. My parents laughed, said "That won't suit you" and told me I should just study History or something instead. So yeah, I get that. I feel like my career path and skills would be so much broader and deeper if I just had some encouragement. But I feel lost. People ask me all the time "What are you studying at Uni?" And I always reply quietly and shamefully; "I'm not in Uni..." but of course it's expected people my age to be in Uni studying something, furthering your education. But I just haven't figured out what I've really wanted to do, I don't know what I'm good at. I wanted to try new things but was discouraged to do so and now I feel stuck. It's rather depressing.
#4
I really understand how you feel there. I probably relate to 95% of this. It can be so tiring... Trying to be perfect at everything. I'm so sorry for how you feel, how this has affected you.  :hug:
#5
Ideas/Tools for Recovery / Re: Three good things a day
November 29, 2017, 10:24:02 AM
@Decimal: I find solving equations quite mesmerising as well. :) I think I was the one kid in school who loved maths. haha  All those things sound great though! Very nice self-care!
@Habitudell: So wonderful to hear! Getting things done, love it!
@Blueberry: I'm glad you've got the support. :) Your support here is much appreciated too.
@Radical: Nice to know you're feeling more at peace. And you're right, you're not alone!
@Elphanigh: I could go for some of that weather right about now! Haha. I'm so happy that you were able to celebrate your own little occasion though, very nice idea!

My three things:
#1. I shared my opinion on the forum even with the nagging voice telling me my words mean nothing. I need to remind myself that even if people may disagree with me, it doesn't mean I should be silent altogether.
#2. I got to sketch a little bit lately.
#3. After a few days of eating barely anything, I finally worked up the motivation to eat a proper meal and take my vitamins.
#6
Random thread idea, something to help myself and I'm hoping may help others too. Many times when I'm at a low point I'll question my abuse and whether it was real or not, either from gaslighting or memory problems. So the idea of this thread is to simply write a few dot points of what abuse you've experienced, evidence of it  (if you wish) so your inner critic or whoever can't argue against it - stuff to read as a reminder to yourself whenever you feel you are confused or doubting.

This thread is super trigger-heavy and should only be used as a tool rather than reading for leisure purposes. It should only be read when you NEED it.

To Self, do not undermine your experiences or doubt your trauma. You...
- Were physically punished for the majority of your childhood, and that is proved by your learned reaction to flinch at all and any sudden movements as a means to protect yourself.
- Had your Fawn tendencies used against you by your ex-fiance, who every day made you do things you didn't want to do, and who would make you feel bad whenever you were upset because you were 'hurting' him.
- Were put into an arranged-marriage by your FOO and ex-fiance who wanted to ensure you would 'be successful' and 'bear grandchildren for your parents'. You were proposed to in a public area making it harder to say 'no' as you didn't want to disappoint everyone around you. You have proof of this from the time your best friend contacted a lawyer and she herself said that your situation was wrong.
- Were raped by your ex-fiance, who even when told by you that you didn't want to take part in any sexual activity, kept pestering and telling you how 'you always change your mind'.
- Are in therapy at the moment, with someone who has diagnosed you with depression, anxiety, and CPTSD.
- Were constantly neglected emotionally and food-wise, being scolded whenever you shared your opinion, being told you're a liar when you were telling the truth, etc. The lack of food can be proven from when you got a job just to have enough money to feed yourself each day.
- Were promised that 'it would be okay' but found yourself being locked in a room with no outside interaction and no track of time for an unknown amount of hours/(day(s)?). There you were questioned, lied to repeatedly, and gaslighted.

Editing your posts is encouraged if you ever wish to add more to your list. Not sure if this is a good idea or not, but I know it'll certainly help me, so that matters something.
#7
Not extra politely? Just, being averagely polite, like how you'd talk to any stranger. "Hey, that's cool. Nice." I dunno, man. lol
#8
Quote from: BlancaLap on November 29, 2017, 06:31:36 AM
Can someone explain to me why do you want to remove the "post"? Just curiosity
In short:
PTSD can't really be diagnosed at the time of trauma because it relates to trauma that is a one-time event such as a death, natural disaster, etc. Thus it's most likely that the trauma the individual has experienced is 'post', in the past.
CPTSD can be diagnosed at the time of trauma because the individual was abused for a long period of time and may still be going through some sort of abuse. For a lot of us our trauma is still ongoing and thus 'post' doesn't really make sense.
Something like that at least, I'm sure others have different opinions on it as well.
#9
General Discussion / Re: Bless you all
November 29, 2017, 08:37:25 AM
It's a pleasure to have you here, Rainagain. ^^  :hug: Glad you've gotten a lot out of being here. :) I have too.
#10
Not sure how to feel about the 'Injury' part. If I told someone I had "Cumulative Traumatic Stress Injury", it just sounds like a fancy way of saying I've broken my arms and legs all in one go, or had some amount of physical stress on my body that has resulted in a physical ailment of some kind. A lot of doctors use 'trauma' as a way of defining a physical blow to the body I've noticed. Would have preferred Disorder over Injury because the definition of Disorder is more commonly associated with mental illnesses/injuries: "A disturbance or derangement that affects the function of mind or body". But that's just my two cents, and if the majority of people like CTSI then that's cool. :)
#11
QuoteThank you AphoticAtramentous,  :hug:, but what means talk sensibly?
I don't know how to explain it. lol Sorry. I was kinda spewing stuff from my mouth in my last post and I've forgotten my train of thought so oops.
But I agree with what San said. They're Uni students, they got better things to do than wrestle with friendships and stuff. X3
#12
General Discussion / Re: Staying alert to not feel afraid
November 28, 2017, 12:47:02 PM
Quote from: BlancaLap on November 28, 2017, 11:09:20 AM
It happens to me sometimes, I hate doing nothing, because it seems I'm wasting my time. In the end, I'm just afraid, but I ran away from the feeling, from myself... it's hard to face the fear
This resonated with me quite a bit. It's the Flight response keeping me on my toes I think.
#13
Recovery Journals / Re: Atramentous to Vibrant
November 28, 2017, 12:44:53 PM
@San: Thank you greatly for the reassurance. It's a lot of waiting but I also need to remember to take care of myself and keep on moving forward. It's so difficult but it has to be done to make any more progress so.

---

Trigger warning
I feel fragile. I've been in an EF for about two days now and it's sucked the life and happiness out of me. It's just gotten worse till an hour ago I was listening to every single little thing my inner critic told me. "I'm a pain, nobody wants me." "I'm better off dead." "What's the point in anything." And then I wanted to hurt myself, 'punish' myself and make me feel the pain that I felt I deserved. But my best friend talked to me, told me to stop and to not listen to my illness. I got so close to hurting myself but I didn't. Instead I suddenly grabbed my pillow and actually managed to sob! Not these little pathetic teardrops. I cried till my entire face was wet and my nose an entire mess. Granted I could still only cry for a minute but I can't remember the last time I cried this much. And the whole time whilst I cried, I thought "Why me?" and "What did I do to deserve this?". Which I'd like to think are a lot better to say than what my IC was saying before.
I feel... I don't know, mad for being in an EF but accomplished I've let myself cry like that.

I have a humorous theory that maybe I can't cry is because I used up all my cry-quota. When I was a child and I cried, I cried a LOT. I cried till I was hyperventilating and barely able to breathe. I'm certain I cried more than the average child. Thus I'm all out of tears now, I cried more than what was expected of me. So now I just have to wait for my supply of tears to 'refill'.

I don't know if I'm still in an EF or not. I hope writing this has grounded me a little. I'm afraid of tripping and losing the positivity I hold so gently in my hands, afraid I'm going to fall back into that dark pit. I don't know what caused the EF, haven't had one this long before but I won't think about it yet, not until my mind is clear and less foggy. It might be the nightmares that kick-started it but I'm not sure.
#14
I feel so angry on your behalf Hope, if that's okay... I can't imagine how that's all affected you. I'm so sorry for what you've experienced.
#15
Recovery Journals / Re: Blueberry's Journal
November 27, 2017, 11:30:20 PM
Sorry to hear about your nausea, Blueberry. I hope your day tomorrow will be better. ^^