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Messages - AphoticAtramentous

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Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: How am I going to do this?
« on: December 01, 2017, 10:16:13 AM »
@Restful: My day was quite good, thank you.
It was nice being at work, being away from all the drama and problems at home.

@Andy: I did some self care, actually ate a bit, and I bought some over-the-counter medication that I hope will be able to lessen the anxiety a little.
@Blueberry: I will definitely try to write a little Book of Daily Joys. There are a lot of little joys I experience every now and then, I think it's a great idea to concentrate on those and remember them. Earlier at work today I was serving a woman and her 5 year old who was in the trolley asking if she could help put groceries on the register belt. Mother says; "Sure, put this bread on there for me" and the child picks up the bread and friggin just, slams it down on the belt really hard so that it makes a big thud and I couldn't help but burst into laughter. Was just so random and unexpected and the mother had a chuckle too. I joked; "Your child seems to have a lot of pent-up anger there apparently."
And in my spare time at work:

Just expressing emotions through characters.

Thanks to everyone who has replied here. I'll definitely take all your suggestions into consideration. You've all been such nice help.

Introductory Post / Re: It is real!
« on: December 01, 2017, 09:54:34 AM »
Welcome to the forum, mate. I'm glad you've found out about CPTSD and find it's very similar to how you're feeling. Can be such a huge relief to finally find something that fits you.

Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: How am I going to do this?
« on: December 01, 2017, 03:19:38 AM »
And I find that someone has raided MY food cupboard. Didn't take much but it annoys me still. I ask if I can eat their food, why can't they ask me?
I'm actually looking forward to going to work today. It's pouring down outside which will be quite relaxing to walk in whilst heading to work, then I'll surround myself with a few friendly faces - that being my coworkers.

Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: How am I going to do this?
« on: December 01, 2017, 01:13:28 AM »
@Andy: Thanks for the suggestion. It's just hard to care of myself when I don't want to care for myself.
@San: Thank you kindly for the response. I like the library idea. I could go there and just whip out the first encyclopedia I find and read random entries of that. That would be pleasantly distracting I think.
@Blueberry: Thank you for the ideas. The first thing - it's certainly something I could try. Though most of the time when I'm feeling like this there's just so many thoughts, it's like trying to push multiple objects through one door but there's so much that nothing is actually going through - if that makes sense. The second thing, it's interesting. I could try that. And the third, seems easy enough, can do that too - if I remember any of what happens during my day. Thank you very much.
@Restful: I could do that, it's a nice idea. I find some time to sketch at work occasionally between customers. Not sure if I'm allowed to do that but I do it anyway. lol So I could sketch a few things then. Thank you.

Each day is a challenge I swear. The first thing I wake up to is a text from my M asking for $1500. Apparently she needs to pay some fees and says she'll 'pay me back', but knowing her, she'll only give me $1300 back or so. My parents still owe me a great deal. I don't even have $1500 anyway. Not sure what to do about it, I guess I can just ignore it all maybe.
I also randomly checked my weight and apparently I've lost 3kg's over a few weeks. So I'm sitting at 43kg's at the moment.
I feel like I could sleep for hours and hours.

Recovery Journals / Re: Atramentous to Vibrant
« on: December 01, 2017, 01:00:26 AM »
Thank you Blueberry, means a lot.

Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / How am I going to do this?
« on: November 30, 2017, 01:55:15 PM »
I woke up this morning wanting to scream for help after a nightmare. Not wanting to sleep, trying my hardest not to think, nor remember.

I'm scared of the future. I'm terrified. I'm worried I won't be able to cope. I'm afraid I'll give up. I took the chance to analyse my mood diary a bit more and I've come to an educated guess.
School Days (When everyone is at school or working) = Content/Coping.
School Holidays/Weekends = Depression.
End of School Year (Long Holidays when everyone is at home all the time) = Severe Depression.
After the holidays, my mood usually positively spikes. It makes sense, and it was nice to see in graph form.

But I don't know what to do. School Year is over and the depression hits me harder than I remember. I barely eat, I oversleep, can't find the motivation to do the simplest of chores, not even motivated to look for a job and do my research for when I move out. How am I supposed to move out if I can't even look for a house to rent? I don't know what to do. I don't know how to cope. I need something, anything, just to get me through these next two months. I was thinking I could ask my therapist for medication but they probably won't kick in till a while anyway. I just feel hopeless every day, I feel guilty and annoyed at myself, hating myself for having such a foggy head. I binge on games to not feel completely bored out of my mind, hours at a time. But then I stop playing and feel ashamed I got nothing done.

I don't know what to do. Living here kills me on the inside. So much anxiety and stress, I don't know how much I can take.

General Discussion / Re: Who else feels robbed? *possible triggers*
« on: November 30, 2017, 08:57:17 AM »
I wanted to study psychology, become a therapist to help people because that's what I genuinely loved doing. My parents laughed, said "That won't suit you" and told me I should just study History or something instead. So yeah, I get that. I feel like my career path and skills would be so much broader and deeper if I just had some encouragement. But I feel lost. People ask me all the time "What are you studying at Uni?" And I always reply quietly and shamefully; "I'm not in Uni..." but of course it's expected people my age to be in Uni studying something, furthering your education. But I just haven't figured out what I've really wanted to do, I don't know what I'm good at. I wanted to try new things but was discouraged to do so and now I feel stuck. It's rather depressing.

I really understand how you feel there. I probably relate to 95% of this. It can be so tiring... Trying to be perfect at everything. I'm so sorry for how you feel, how this has affected you.  :hug:

Ideas/Tools for Recovery / Re: Three good things a day
« on: November 29, 2017, 10:24:02 AM »
@Decimal: I find solving equations quite mesmerising as well. :) I think I was the one kid in school who loved maths. haha  All those things sound great though! Very nice self-care!
@Habitudell: So wonderful to hear! Getting things done, love it!
@Blueberry: I'm glad you've got the support. :) Your support here is much appreciated too.
@Radical: Nice to know you're feeling more at peace. And you're right, you're not alone!
@Elphanigh: I could go for some of that weather right about now! Haha. I'm so happy that you were able to celebrate your own little occasion though, very nice idea!

My three things:
#1. I shared my opinion on the forum even with the nagging voice telling me my words mean nothing. I need to remind myself that even if people may disagree with me, it doesn't mean I should be silent altogether.
#2. I got to sketch a little bit lately.
#3. After a few days of eating barely anything, I finally worked up the motivation to eat a proper meal and take my vitamins.

Random thread idea, something to help myself and I'm hoping may help others too. Many times when I'm at a low point I'll question my abuse and whether it was real or not, either from gaslighting or memory problems. So the idea of this thread is to simply write a few dot points of what abuse you've experienced, evidence of it  (if you wish) so your inner critic or whoever can't argue against it - stuff to read as a reminder to yourself whenever you feel you are confused or doubting.

This thread is super trigger-heavy and should only be used as a tool rather than reading for leisure purposes. It should only be read when you NEED it.

To Self, do not undermine your experiences or doubt your trauma. You...
- Were physically punished for the majority of your childhood, and that is proved by your learned reaction to flinch at all and any sudden movements as a means to protect yourself.
- Had your Fawn tendencies used against you by your ex-fiance, who every day made you do things you didn't want to do, and who would make you feel bad whenever you were upset because you were 'hurting' him.
- Were put into an arranged-marriage by your FOO and ex-fiance who wanted to ensure you would 'be successful' and 'bear grandchildren for your parents'. You were proposed to in a public area making it harder to say 'no' as you didn't want to disappoint everyone around you. You have proof of this from the time your best friend contacted a lawyer and she herself said that your situation was wrong.
- Were raped by your ex-fiance, who even when told by you that you didn't want to take part in any sexual activity, kept pestering and telling you how 'you always change your mind'.
- Are in therapy at the moment, with someone who has diagnosed you with depression, anxiety, and CPTSD.
- Were constantly neglected emotionally and food-wise, being scolded whenever you shared your opinion, being told you're a liar when you were telling the truth, etc. The lack of food can be proven from when you got a job just to have enough money to feed yourself each day.
- Were promised that 'it would be okay' but found yourself being locked in a room with no outside interaction and no track of time for an unknown amount of hours/(day(s)?). There you were questioned, lied to repeatedly, and gaslighted.

Editing your posts is encouraged if you ever wish to add more to your list. Not sure if this is a good idea or not, but I know it'll certainly help me, so that matters something.

Not extra politely? Just, being averagely polite, like how you'd talk to any stranger. "Hey, that's cool. Nice." I dunno, man. lol

Can someone explain to me why do you want to remove the "post"? Just curiosity
In short:
PTSD can't really be diagnosed at the time of trauma because it relates to trauma that is a one-time event such as a death, natural disaster, etc. Thus it's most likely that the trauma the individual has experienced is 'post', in the past.
CPTSD can be diagnosed at the time of trauma because the individual was abused for a long period of time and may still be going through some sort of abuse. For a lot of us our trauma is still ongoing and thus 'post' doesn't really make sense.
Something like that at least, I'm sure others have different opinions on it as well.

General Discussion / Re: Bless you all
« on: November 29, 2017, 08:37:25 AM »
It's a pleasure to have you here, Rainagain. ^^  :hug: Glad you've gotten a lot out of being here. :) I have too.

Not sure how to feel about the 'Injury' part. If I told someone I had "Cumulative Traumatic Stress Injury", it just sounds like a fancy way of saying I've broken my arms and legs all in one go, or had some amount of physical stress on my body that has resulted in a physical ailment of some kind. A lot of doctors use 'trauma' as a way of defining a physical blow to the body I've noticed. Would have preferred Disorder over Injury because the definition of Disorder is more commonly associated with mental illnesses/injuries: "A disturbance or derangement that affects the function of mind or body". But that's just my two cents, and if the majority of people like CTSI then that's cool. :)

Thank you AphoticAtramentous,  :hug:, but what means talk sensibly?
I don't know how to explain it. lol Sorry. I was kinda spewing stuff from my mouth in my last post and I've forgotten my train of thought so oops.
But I agree with what San said. They're Uni students, they got better things to do than wrestle with friendships and stuff. X3

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