Messages

Thanks for all the kind words, all. Your support is appreciated.

I've been withdrawing a bit from everything, plagued by some incessant EFs and nightmares that linger from my FOO's recent visit. But I've learned a lot, healing via a myriad of revelations.

Mainly though reminding myself that you can't force healing, nor can you make it go any faster. You see, my work style is akin to dedicated bursts. I get all the work done as soon as I can so I have time to rest. Every now and then, I attempt to apply this to my own mental health. I constantly contemplate in my introspection, but it doesn't work. I only confuse and tire myself from doing so.

I am trying to remind myself to be patient, by using a broken leg as a metaphor. When your leg is broken, you or course need to give it some degree of attention. Apply the splint, don't walk on it, etc. But you don't want to overdo it either. If you don't move it enough, it might weaken. If you move it too much, the bone won't heal.

In a way, this is how I should treat my CPTSD. To both softly exercise and rest.  It doesn't matter how much work I put into the immediate moment, it won't make it heal any faster.

I hope everyone is doing well.

Regards,
Aphotic.

Thank you, Blueberry!
Today I also realised that I can tell I can potentially identify an ongoing EF based on the tightness and pain in my jaw. When I lived with my FOO, my muscles were always so tense that I developed TMJD (temporomandibular joint disorder) which physically locked my jaw/mouth from being able to open any more than a centimetre. Thankfully I don't deal with such dysfunction currently, but any jaw tightness serves as a good reminder to ground myself and try to loosen up a little - lest I get TMJD again!
Perfect example of "The Body Keeps the Score" I suppose?

Regards,
Aphotic.

Thank you Desert Flower, SenseOrgan, and Chart.

I have survived Christmas.
So much to unpack from it all, but for now I'm going to focus on recuperating, and enjoy the remainder of my holidays before work starts again.

Does anyone else sometimes feel... weirdly angry when they're successful in any way? Because I can't help but think of my parents' smug faces as they boast "Aphotic has a clean house and a stable job, we must have raised them right!". But I have a house and a job DESPITE my FOO's influence, not BECAUSE of it. Of course, I can never prove that to them. And although a part of me wants them to know how difficult they've made my life, I think the healthier option is to just focus on bettering myself. In a metaphorical sense, if I fall and break a leg, yelling at gravity won't do me any good - it's not like gravity is going to change, and I can't change what's already happened. The best thing I can do for myself is to move on and heal.

Regards,
Aphotic.

And I feel my way to heal is to acknowledge all of these parts and reconcile them somehow.

That seems to be the winning ticket for many of us.
And here's a  for surviving Christmas.

Regards,
Aphotic.

Wishing you well in return, StartingHealing. Attempting to ice skate up a hill doesn't sound pleasant at all, perhaps - if it's a metaphorical icy hill, remember that it's important to take slow and steady steps (do one thing at a time) and maybe make sure you're wearing protective gear (make sure you're looking after yourself). Take breaks when you're feeling tired, drink water to rehydrate, rest your feet if they get sore. No pressure to do any of this of course, just my little metaphorical recommendations.

Regards,
Aphotic.

This evening I was doing some work on my family tree and encountered some family secrets.  I had a physical reaction to what I found even though it was stuff I vaguely remember hearing growing up.  I am less upset about the actual stories and more the pain and suffering those things caused, especially the women in my family.

I've had my own fill of these family rediscoveries, and I definitely can understand the physical reaction you speak of. I hope you're doing well, and glad you have some slower days now. Processing can be hard but I hope the end result will be rewarding for you.

Regards,
Aphotic.

Hey Bach, I am rooting for you. As you mentioned before, perhaps it would be helpful to find another distraction to replace it with? In my journey of abandoning social media, I found that idle hands were my worst enemy. When I had nothing to do, it was all too easy to just... start scrolling. So, maybe plan ahead for something you can do when idle? It could be a new book to read, a TV show you've been meaning to watch, meditation, or maybe solve some puzzles? Just my recommendation, which you are welcome to ignore of course.
Wishing you well.

Regards,
Aphotic.

Holidayay, I can resonate with what you've written here, yes. Gaslighting can be a very unfortunately powerful thing, being mistreated but at the same time being told that it's "normal". And as children, why would we ever question them? Why would we question the people who raise us when society constantly recites "Listen to your parents/elders! They know best!".
How unfair it is to be abused as a child, and then thrown and cast out into the open world to fend for ourselves. Feels kind of like we've been restrained by a ball and chain and then placed into an arena. It is unacceptable!

Regards,
Aphotic.

Sounds like a lot of crud going on, alliematt.  I swear sometimes these things bottle up just to hit us all at once.
I hope your BFF's husband is doing better now.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[To preface: I have nothing against autism, autistic people, or similar conditions or similar people.]

To preface: I have nothing against autism, autistic people, or similar conditions or similar people.
But I was hoping to at least find a place to vent about the difficulties I've faced when interacting with people who have difficulty understanding or conveying emotions. I feel incredibly alone in this regard, and even if just one person here relates then I would feel so.. relieved. Because I feel like a truly awful person for having these feelings.

I had a sudden realisation that many of my abusers have this trait in common, or have some kind of mental disorder or condition that impacted their ability to recognise and display emotions. Now I know why I have such an initial distrust of such traits. It is not the person themselves I fear, but instead I fear the concept of being misheard and misrepresented. A lot of the interactions my autistic F has had with me and my M could have been avoided if there was common ground that we could use to understand each other. And I was you know, a mere child, what was I supposed to do.

For example, my F laughs when he is disappointed in someone. He frowns when he's joking. He makes sarcastic comments without including a sarcastic tone, and calls me stupid for taking him literally. My ex was similar; this would extend into public events as well, where once he was watching a violent and curse-filled video on his phone... on loud speaker, in a children's hospital. For so long, I thought it was MY fault for misunderstanding them. My abusers have constantly gaslight me into thinking that I was inept for not understanding them, for not seeing their side of things. But now I realise - it wasn't my fault. I was doing the best I could.

It's just all a very unfortunate combination of traits, because obviously I value people, including those who have any kind of mental condition. But I really really struggle to interact with individuals with these conditions because of the potential to be triggered so much.

I hope nothing here is offensive or hurtful to those with these conditions. I know it's a trait that cannot be controlled.

Regards,
Aphotic.

This so called friend of mine has actually been guilt tripping me for months. For whatever reason I wasn't able to notice it at the time, would feel the emotional flashback but not know where it was coming from. Only now have I realised what he's been doing, and it makes me feel a lot better about wanting to withdraw from him.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[General Trigger Warning as some are specific examples of abuse/trauma childhood experiences.]

Another collection of memes from r/CPTSDMemes.
Again, General Trigger Warning as some are specific examples of abuse/trauma childhood experiences.















Regards,
Aphotic.

  That is great progress! Thanks for sharing.

Regards,
Aphotic.

1. I planted some basil. It's my first garden plant... have no idea how it'll go.
2. I did an errand for someone.
3. Best of all: I have the house to myself again!!

Regards,
Aphotic.

Hey Desert Flower, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. It all hits so close to home. Hoping the past few weeks have been manageable for you.

Regards,
Aphotic.