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Maybe the single biggest struggle I've had after having been raised in a dysfunctional, controlling family has been forming healthy relationships. For context, my father, for a period of about five years, was extremely physically abusive and quick to anger and hit me or my siblings with whatever object was nearest. My mother didn't believe me when I told her that my brother molested me at the age of 11, and continues to try to make me maintain contact with him.

My long-term partner (despite many good qualities) can be extremely quick to anger, controlling, and impatient. I find myself questioning my own understanding of the situation, and basically feel that I can't make rational and informed decisions when he is involved. I'm often not sure if he's right when he berates me and calls me stupid, or casually dismisses my interests and goals as too impractical. He knows about some of my past trauma, but refuses to acknowledge how his behavior triggers the symptoms of CPTSD or even empathize, and seems insulted to hear that the way he treats me and the way my parents treated me have any similarity. Over the past few years with therapy and medication, he's improved a lot and doesn't fly off the handle so easily, but I've also continued to enable him by avoiding confrontation when I'm angry or hurt, or know that my expression of my feelings will make him angry at me.

After three years of therapists telling me to speak my truth and make decisions for myself, not to ask for permission to make decisions, etc., my partner told me last night in an argument that I repeatedly make stupid and selfish decisions without consulting him, and that these decisions have had negative consequences on our financial stability and our relationship. In the instances he gave, I avoided asking him for permission because I knew he would shut me down immediately, and more important, because I knew that if I were to do what he wanted I'd regret it and deeply resent him. I think in some ways he's right - if I had chosen a different major in college, for example, I would probably be making more money. But I have lived most of my life doing what others want me to and regretting it, including many instances in this relationship. In the first five or so years of our relationship, I felt obligated to do anything he wanted me to do, and deeply regret it now. I burn with resentment when I think about having left college with less than a year to graduation, and missing the funerals of my grandparents. More recently, I refused to continue with the major he chose for me, and felt liberated at taking courses I found interesting and excelled in them. But now, when we're strapped and I'm looking for work and considering grad school in the future, he blamed me for our situation because I could have learned a more lucrative skill. I know that I could have done more to prepare myself for life after college, but I can't help but feel resistant and resentful of his suggestions, especially when he is harsh and dictatorial, and dismisses my thoughts and feelings. He might be right, but it feels just like my dad dictating my life choices as a child and teenager.

I know I shouldn't be in this situation, but find myself almost frozen in fear at the thought of leaving, and I think I sabotage opportunities to make it easier (especially financially) to do so. I feel trapped, but after last night's fight, I feel like I've almost reached my limit, and have been drained of most of my affection for him.

Thanks to anyone who took the time to read such a long post.

Thank you for sharing your experiences, Lilfae. I totally understand where you are coming from, and I appreciate you including the fact that you live in a country that regulates pharmaceutical drugs strictly. I'm sure most people outside the US are aware of how bad it is to be sick here, but I think this is a really important distinction to make, as pharmaceutical companies can advertise pretty freely on TV and in print, and often give doctors expensive incentives like vacation vouchers, tickets to sports games, etc. to prescribe their drugs. My parents are medical professionals, and to their credit, always refused these kinds of 'gifts' from pharmaceutical representatives. Pharmaceutical companies also have one of the biggest lobbies in the country, and have a fairly clear influence on our politics.

All of these things, plus my own personal history make me pretty afraid of psychiatric drugs, but I do understand that there are people (including many of my friends) who benefit from them. Most friends I've spoken to feel that the benefits outweigh the costs or side-effects for them, and I would never try to lecture them or tell them to stop.

I don't really remember if they had any affect on my depression at the time, but it reduced my suicidal tendencies. And they lowered my anxiety levels to a manageable state. 

When I finally got my mind "turned on " again I refused medical treatment except for Sobril. I was too ashamed of my body and I couldn't handle it getting any bigger. I've got a hormonal imbalance that affects my ability to lose weight.

But I do know people that needs medication. They do not function at all without them. And at times even barely functions with them.
And I can get behind the thought that medications should only be used for short amount of time, to give you a buffer through the darkest hours.

Yes, I can absolutely see how the medication helped to give you a 'boost' to get out of the depression - this is something my therapist has suggested to me several times. What I struggle with a lot is knowing if my anxiety/depression is "severe" enough to necessitate medication, or if I'm just in denial about it. My hope is that a short period on medication would be the most that I need to help with my anxiety, and that after that, I'd be able to manage it on my own with continued therapy, diet, and exercise.  It's really encouraging to hear that you were able to stop taking the meds, although, like I said, I don't fault others for taking them long-term if it gives them relief and allows them to live productive and happy lives. Thank you so much again for sharing your experiences.

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation, but I admire you for having the strength to encourage yourself and keep going. 

I believe the fastest way out of my current acute insomnia would be a couple of weeks in a luxury health resort with good food, congenial company, gentle exercise, sumptuous massages and a comfortable bed in a well-ventilated room.  Dream on, Candid!  I had a week in such a place three years ago (a close friend paid for us both) and it was fantastic while it lasted -- but obviously you need a decent environment to go to afterwards.

when I experience anxiety and/or depression I often feel like my brain just needs rest and quiet. The thought of flooding it with chemicals, when it feels like I need a break from overstimulation, is pretty unappealing.

I agree.  I recently did a Living With Brain Injury course and it was repeatedly made clear to us that sleep was vital to healing from stroke or traumatic brain injury.  They told us -- none of whom was working -- to take a nap every afternoon.  As it happens, today is the second anniversary of coming off my pushbike while careering downhill, and landing on the right side of my head.  Two years ago I was in hospital, and had still to face the decision for surgical reconstruction that could have blinded my right eye but didn't, soon to be followed by psychosis that put me in hospital for three months. During that time, not only was I filled with inappropriate  drugs; I was woken several times through the night by Suicide Watch, which would continue during the day if I went back to bed.  Most of the other inmates slept through it, but hypervigilance ensures no one can ever catch me asleep no matter what I've taken.  For example, I was writing in bed by torchlight almost immediately after surgery under anaesthetic.

I'm still planning to meet with a psychiatrist at an integrative facility, and hopefully they will be able to prescribe treatment (either conventional or alternative) that suits my needs.

That sounds wonderful .  And expensive  .

Without going into detail about my personal political ideology, everything you described just reaffirms for me that quality of life is deeply class-segregated. I'm grateful to have a roof over my head and a crappy but more or less steady job, but am still living below the poverty line and without health insurance in the US, so whatever treatment I get will unfortunately mean taking on some debt. I'm hoping it will be worthwhile. It's appalling to think that even in a country (presumably the UK?) with universal health care, you still have to account for the opportunity costs of simply being mortal. I've also had doctors make useless recommendations that I simply couldn't afford, so I ultimately couldn't get meaningful treatment for the complaint that brought me to them in the first place. There are also plenty of people here who go bankrupt or die because they can't afford treatment - for example, the father of a friend of mine nearly died from an easily treated dental infection because his insurance company refused to pay for it, so my friend took out a personal loan to pay for the surgery.  I'd like to hope that my generation and younger will help to build a society that recognizes the societal and moral costs of monetizing health, and provides meaningful care for everyone who needs it.

Your self-talk is inspiring, and I sincerely hope you find rest, shelter, and well-paid work very soon. Thank you so much again for sharing your experiences.

Thank you so much, Candid, for your kind words, empathy, and for sharing your experiences. I'm so sorry you suffered a head injury, too. For me, it was (and remains) a surreal and emotionally as well as physically traumatic experience, and also happened in a totally banal way.

... psychiatric meds strike me as particularly scary because they are intended to change brain chemistry.  The long lead-in times and the necessity to wean off afterwards makes it a major commitment, and you want to be certain it's going to help... or at least not make things worse.

This is exactly what I'm talking about. I was definitely wary of medication before the head injury, but since then, I'm terrified to interrupt whatever healing remains, and I can't bring myself to trust doctors. I also understand that, like you said, many things influence our brain chemistry, but when I experience anxiety and/or depression I often feel like my brain just needs rest and quiet. The thought of flooding it with chemicals, when it feels like I need a break from overstimulation, is pretty unappealing. I'm still planning to meet with a psychiatrist at an integrative facility, and hopefully they will be able to prescribe treatment (either conventional or alternative) that suits my needs. It's comforting and empowering, however, to know that I have the option to refuse treatment if it doesn't feel right, and I don't have to accept diagnoses from doctors who don't take my concerns seriously. 

I'm struggling tremendously with this issue right now. My therapist has suggested looking into medication several times, and I've come very close to getting an evaluation for meds from a psychiatrist, but have not been able to follow through yet.  I've discussed to my therapist many of the same fears that others expressed here - side-effects, the problematic nature of the pharmaceutical industry, and probably most of all,  the fear that the psychiatrist will dismiss my concerns. I've had more than my share of bad experiences with GPs who are sarcastic and dismissive with injuries or other physical health issues (I'm beginning to understand that this is a common experience for women), and have seen similar things happen to other women in my family. I've also been misdiagnosed a few times (non-mental health), and have had bad reactions to both conventional OTCs and prescriptions. My partner, who has been taking medication for the past three years, also thinks I should be on medication, and would likely not be supportive if I chose not to commit to medication if it were prescribed.

I've been able to manage anxiety in the past with regular exercise, a good diet, and supplements. Strategies I learned in therapy also helped to reduce the anxiety, but I'm at a transition point in my career/education, and am finding some big decisions very difficult to confront. I also had a minor head injury about six months ago, and while it wasn't as serious as it could have been, it left me feeling like I'd taken several steps back in my therapy journey.

There is something that seems kind of disempowering to me about taking psychiatric meds. When I take actions on my own, whether it's diet and exercise, yoga and meditation, or alternative treatments, I get a strong sense of satisfaction and genuinely decreased symptoms. However, I understand that not everyone can just "pull themselves out of it," and that there might be other issues I'm avoiding because my management strategies just aren't enough. I'm at the point where thinking about this, and the possibility of disappointing my therapist (which I know is irrational) is exacerbating the anxiety.
I don't fault or look down on anyone who finds benefit in medication, and I greatly appreciate all of the experiences and perspectives that others have shared here.

Many thanks to both of you for your encouragement and support.

If i may make a suggestion - if this is your real name, it's possible for you to change it to preserve your anonymity. You can change it by clicking on Account Settings (under your name) and changing your name that is displayed to others on the forum.

It's not my real name, but I appreciate the suggestion all the same.

[Trigger Warning]

Hello All,

My therapist recommended I explore forums and online support for PTSD and related issues after a visit to an in-person support group triggered me severely. I'm impressed and comforted by the overwhelmingly supportive and compassionate tone of the posts I've read here so far, and grateful to have found this resource.

Trigger Warning

My family operated in varying degrees of dysfunction throughout my childhood, adolescence, and early adulthood. I experienced sexual abuse from an older brother when I was 10-11, and physical abuse from my father from about 8-13, both of which were enabled by my passive mother. My parents took my siblings and me out of public schools and homeschooled us when I was seven years old, which exacerbated the shyness I already experienced, and made maintaining friends difficult. My early childhood memories are pretty happy, but when my parents experienced financial problems and my father suffered a serious injury (I was about age 8-9), he became extremely violent to me and my four siblings, often hitting us with whatever was nearest - broomsticks, tools, etc., flew into a rage at the slightest provocation.

When I finally worked up the courage to tell my mother about the sexual abuse, she at first didn't believe me. My memory of the timeline after I told her is spotty, but I remember her coming to me a few days afterward and questioning me again, and when I affirmed what I'd previously told her, she informed my that my father beat my brother severely as punishment. My parents never spoke of it again, and definitely did not seek professional help for me nor my brother. Since then, nobody in my family (those who knew, anyway) has ever acknowledged the incident, and I tried earnestly to put it behind me until beginning therapy two years ago. My parents still pressure me to spend more time with my brother, and are in complete denial. Needless to say, these events have plagued my adult life and inhibited me professionally and personally. I'm immensely grateful to have found this forum to share my story and hopefully support others.